spicolli Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 So long story short, my ex dumped me about 8 months ago, for her ex. Started out with him like two weeks after we broke up, we dated for two years. It absolutely crushed me. Antidepressants, therapy, heavy drinking, drugs, isolation the whole nine. Over the summer about three months into our b/u my uncle passed from cancer. I don't have a big family so I was very upset when he passed, her father has cancer also so I reached out to let her know that I was thinking of them. She ignored at first but when she found out why she texted back. But very generic, in my opinion hollow comfort on her end. Until she finally says, im sorry this is happening but I really don't think we should talk at all. Which hurt me even worse. Fast forward a few months, I have been doing great. Great with NC, great with therapy, no more drugs, drinking only once a week, social life is coming back etc. So last friday im at the bar, talking to some girls, and I get a text. Holy **** its her. It says did you call me from a blocked number a few days ago. So trying to be mr. Cool im like, new phone who is this. Nevermind is the response. So I leave it a few days and get to thinking maybe someone did call, maybe they didn't, but if they did I don't want her thinking its me. Truthfully I would never want this girl knowing how much real estate she occupies in my mind. So I text her that Sunday saying, look I didn't realize who this was the other night but no, I didn't call from a blocked number. Take care. She texts back, okay sorry to bother. I respond no worries again, take care. Her reply. My dad passed away. I text her so many heartfelt messages of how sorry I am. Although her whole family rejected me very harshly, this transcends everything obviously. So a few more days go by and we are catching up and im like I have to go, I have to walk my dog, I got a dog and named it this nickname me and my friend have for one another. She goes oh that's so cute, just like ****** Calls you. So I didn't text back bc I already said goodbye and don't want to be at her beckon call any longer. She texts again, im sorry to bother you I just want you to know I wish you the best. Yesterday I text her with a pic of the dog, saying he hopes things are well and just know they always get better. She texts back on her break oh man he is so cute. We got your (sympathy)card thank you so much that was so sweet of you. Something in me said I was being toyed with, so I said I can't talk anymore its too much for me, you'll always have a spot in my heart and soul, im so sorry about your dad but I can't do it. It was much longer and very heartfelt, and she texts I understand take care. now today I feel like trash. I feel like I left her when she needed to be supported and im not a good person. This is almost like breaking up again, anxiety when I get a new text, constantly on my mind etc. the point of this novel is for opinions, I feel like I GIVE great advice but never know what to do myself. Did I do the right thing? the wrong thing? Let me have it. Honesty is all I want, im a big boy I can handle it. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!
CaliBabe Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 It seems like you might not be ready for continual contact. You spent a large part of time with this person, so it's understandable. Maybe you need more time NC before you keep contact.
Exit Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Obviously if you have a heart and still care for this person, you feel bad for what she is going through. But you shouldn't be blaming yourself for not being there when she needs you. Shouldn't the other man she ran back to be her support system now? You're letting her use you for emotional support but she's with someone else. Maybe you're even filling a gap in their relationship and making it more successful. She might not get the support she needs from this other person, so she starts texting you, you fill in the emotional gap, and then she's able to continue on with this other relationship now that her needs have been met. And when you let her know that it's messing with your emotions and you probably shouldn't talk, she doesn't even utter a single word to let you know that she really wants to be able to talk to you, she just says "okay I understand" and lets you go again. You don't have to be bitter towards her or say anything mean out loud, but your own internal thought process should be "get your damn emotional support from the ex you chose over me". I don't know why she reached out to you in this time of crisis, but people need to realize that when they dump someone, they give up the entire package, you don't dump someone and still get emotional support from them. When a situation like this occurs and she realizes she misses you in some way, you want her to experience that void in her life, she needs to realize that you aren't there anymore. If these situations arise and all she has to do is send you a text and gets a response from you, then she is getting everything her way, she was able to end your relationship and go back to someone else, but can still reach out to you whenever she wants, it's a win/win for her and a lose/lose for you and your healing. In the end maybe it was just mutual contact on her part, you had reached out to her earlier when your uncle passed and let her know that you were thinking about her and her family, so now that her father passed, she made contact to let you know. From the tone of her messages she just seems interested in being friends, I don't see quite enough evidence to say anything like "clearly she is not happy with this ex she went back to and maybe she's missing you". She's just being conversational with you and if you still have feelings for her it would just end up hurting you to keep up this type of contact.
Author spicolli Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) Thank you both for your replies. Exit, thank you so much for such a well articulated, thorough and complete response. Everything you said struck an exact chord, is 100% on the money and is genuinely appreciated. Im still looking for more insight and replies, bc honestly im not doing so well today. regardless, it is genuinely appreciated. THANK YOU! Edited February 1, 2012 by spicolli misworded
Dark Phoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Obviously if you have a heart and still care for this person, you feel bad for what she is going through. But you shouldn't be blaming yourself for not being there when she needs you. Shouldn't the other man she ran back to be her support system now? You're letting her use you for emotional support but she's with someone else. Maybe you're even filling a gap in their relationship and making it more successful. She might not get the support she needs from this other person, so she starts texting you, you fill in the emotional gap, and then she's able to continue on with this other relationship now that her needs have been met. And when you let her know that it's messing with your emotions and you probably shouldn't talk, she doesn't even utter a single word to let you know that she really wants to be able to talk to you, she just says "okay I understand" and lets you go again. You don't have to be bitter towards her or say anything mean out loud, but your own internal thought process should be "get your damn emotional support from the ex you chose over me". I don't know why she reached out to you in this time of crisis, but people need to realize that when they dump someone, they give up the entire package, you don't dump someone and still get emotional support from them. When a situation like this occurs and she realizes she misses you in some way, you want her to experience that void in her life, she needs to realize that you aren't there anymore. If these situations arise and all she has to do is send you a text and gets a response from you, then she is getting everything her way, she was able to end your relationship and go back to someone else, but can still reach out to you whenever she wants, it's a win/win for her and a lose/lose for you and your healing. In the end maybe it was just mutual contact on her part, you had reached out to her earlier when your uncle passed and let her know that you were thinking about her and her family, so now that her father passed, she made contact to let you know. From the tone of her messages she just seems interested in being friends, I don't see quite enough evidence to say anything like "clearly she is not happy with this ex she went back to and maybe she's missing you". She's just being conversational with you and if you still have feelings for her it would just end up hurting you to keep up this type of contact. Nope, she was just checking on the blocked phone number. You are reading too much into this. She texts again, im sorry to bother you I just want you to know I wish you the best. She has no interest in anything. She was just being friendly in her responses.
Author spicolli Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 I agree that she doesn't have an interest in anything, but I disagree with you saying she only contacted to check on the blocked number. We hadn't talked at all in nearly 4 months, am I to assume she received one blocked call and immediately texted me to see if it was me?? does that sound logical to you dude? because it doesn't make any sense to me. I received about 4 or five blocked calls over the period of NC and even if I thought it was her, I would certainly not contact her about it. Its petty and ridiculous. It could be a telemarketer, wrong number, prank call anything! You're one for two Hahaha. thanks for the insight.
Author spicolli Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 Wils.... er uh... heartof... er uh... dark phoenix, thats the name! I am very interested in your reply to what I asked. I know that of late you have a tendency to be very negative with your replies, but it doesn't mean they are wrong or that im not interested in hearing them. Im still really struggling with telling her I can't talk at such a pivotal time in her life, and I would love to hear your two cents following the reply I gave you yesterday. I wait with baited breath sir.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) For your story, you put in the title "She broke NC, then broke my will" NC isnt her rule, its yours. You technically broke your own NC rule by responding to her. You cant place NC on another person and say its OUR rule if you arent in a relationship with them. You have no control over any one elses actions but your own. You can always prevent them from contacting you at any time by blocking their number, changing your number, ignoring them. I agree that she doesn't have an interest in anything, but I disagree with you saying she only contacted to check on the blocked number. We hadn't talked at all in nearly 4 months, am I to assume she received one blocked call and immediately texted me to see if it was me?? does that sound logical to you dude? because it doesn't make any sense to me. I received about 4 or five blocked calls over the period of NC and even if I thought it was her, I would certainly not contact her about it. Its petty and ridiculous. It could be a telemarketer, wrong number, prank call anything! You're one for two Hahaha.If you were this childish at the end of the relationship with her, I could definitely understand why she thought one blocked call was you. Honestly, it doesn't matter why she texted you in the grand scheme of things, she sent you on your way and you are still hung up on this. Edited February 2, 2012 by Dark Phoenix
Author spicolli Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) Again, I think you got one out of two. I totally agree and never thought of something until you said "nc isn't her rule, its yours." its a great point, although I do feel there is an implied value that after 4 months of no texting, no calls, no fb, no contact that it is probably no reason for contact. So if you read what I wrote more carefully, you would see that the only reason I contacted her was because I don't want her thinking im playing juvenile games like calling from a blocked number. The fact that her father passed away was known very quickly. im sorry but when someone that you knew for two years loses an immediate family member, im supposed to ignore that? im sorry dude but that's not how I was raised, regardless of how things ended that is a human being that lost her father to a terminal illness. I also disagree that I am "hung up on this." I don't stalk her fb, I don't call, I don't talk to her friends. I go out, I have a great job where I am soon to own the business, just got a dog, hike, dj, moved into my own house 6 months ago and am generally happy with my life. Do I still think about her? of course I do. Do I still care about her? absolutely. And in no way was what I wrote there, childish. Not in the least, so I wont reply to it. Anyways, you provided some solid advice and I definitely appreciate it. Edited February 2, 2012 by spicolli
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