CLindsay Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for about 14 months and we're really serious. We plan on being together for years and years to come and generally, we're pretty happy. However, I am beginning to lose my patience. Several months ago I was cheated on. It was only a 'mild' offence (no sex or anything) but it still devastated me, of course. Not long after that and even a little bit recently, I've discovered an obvious attraction to some bimbo who is in his course. He refuses to admit that there's any attraction but the evidence is extremely obvious, he tried to 'hook in' with her once, as he put it to a male friend a few months ago. I'm getting over all of that and we're becoming a stronger and stronger couple. We've since been on a holiday together and we spend practically every night at either my house or his. Though on top of the pain I'm still recovering from, I find that I'm losing my patience with him in other ways. If none of that painful stuff happened before, I'd be completely relaxed and patient with him but now little things are often resulting in me quietly fuming. For example, he was meant to be at my house a little over 30 minutes ago and he won't be here for another half an hour because he 'didn't realise'. He does lots of this kind of thing (I'll spare you boring details) but I'm finding it hard. I don't want to seem like a control freak or someone who is melodramatic but the painful memories of cheating on top of little things that happen here and there really make me feel awful. I don't know how to handle these emotions. When he does something small that either irritates me or makes me feel like I'm not good enough, I find it triggers every single angry emotion I've ever felt for him and I end up feeling terrible. I don't act out on these emotions and cause fights (we don't really fight), I just try to rationalise my thinking... Though even when I try to think logically, I end up feeling hurt. I don't want to keep feeling hurt over anything - big or small. I just want to be happy and functional. I explain this to him and always explain how I feel and he always says sorry and says he'll 'do something about it', but he never does. I worry that these situations will amount to something that will change my feelings towards him. I want this relationship to work because when there's no problem, it's perfect and we love each other so much. What do I do? Do I just learn to live with his behaviour which is sometimes selfish and inconsiderate, or do I keep hoping that things change? Do I try to alter my way of thinking or look for something better? The thought of breaking up kills me, I don't even want that to be an option. I just want to deal with his behaviour in a way that improves it altogether. Please, please give me some advice or share any personal experiences with me! Thank you.
Philosoraptor Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I think you see this as an issue and you really need to bring it up in the same manner you posted here. Be respectful and explain yourself. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements and explain how you feel. You were cheated on in some regard and that obviously is causing some of these issues. Trust needs to be regained and if he wants this to work then he needs to step up and help get you there.
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I explain this to him and always explain how I feel and he always says sorry and says he'll 'do something about it', but he never does. Well, his words do not match his actions. So you can ignore his words, they mean nothing. you have 2 options: 1) Accept that he will never change 2) Show him some consequences for his actions He currently is just doing what he pleases and giving you some lip service to keep you quiet. And he is getting away with that. He needs to understand that he cannot continue making you feel like this. He needs to understand that if he carries on, then there will be consequences. He seems to care a lot less about your relationship than you do.
creighton0123 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 First of all, you need to have a talk with him about honesty. There is no reason why the two of you can't mutually agree to discuss physical attraction to others. Other people can be hot. It happens. It's only right that you share it with your significant other when asked. Have a long talk with him about the importance of monogamy for you and cite why monogamy is on the top of your list. Assumed or implied monogamy is never as strong as agreed monogamy.
PegNosePete Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Have a long talk with him about the importance of monogamy Way to scare off a guy! It needs to be a SHORT talk. Stick to the point and let him know the consequences of his actions in no uncertain terms.
Recommended Posts