start-fresh Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 The girl I have been dating the last two months and I have a lot in common. I'm pretty attracted to her and we're pretty compatible in a lot of aspects of our lives. The problem I'm having right now is her aloofness and passivity. I had to ask her out first, did all of the initiating in the beginning, etc. I understand as a man, it's my "job" to lead for the most part, but I get frustrated because I feel like if I stopped contacting her she just wouldn't care. There's no cutesy texts from her, no facebook posts or comments, nothing. I always have to kiss her first. We're Christians so sex is off the table for now but I just want to feel some passion or something from her end. I want her to make me feel special or desired. Am I expecting too much or do I sound needy? We haven't had the exclusivity talk, and as a man, I've never had to bring it up before. This woman is so passive, though, that I feel like if I don't bring it up, she never will and we'll just stay in relationship limbo indefinitely. I'm sick of trying to push the intimacy forward and running into a virtual brick wall. Any thoughts on how I can bring this up without putting her on the defensive? Every time I run through this stuff in my head I get frustrated and realize it wouldn't be a good way to approach the conversation. I care about her and would like to work this issue out somehow.
dave22 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 The girl I have been dating the last two months and I have a lot in common. I'm pretty attracted to her and we're pretty compatible in a lot of aspects of our lives. The problem I'm having right now is her aloofness and passivity. I had to ask her out first, did all of the initiating in the beginning, etc. I understand as a man, it's my "job" to lead for the most part, but I get frustrated because I feel like if I stopped contacting her she just wouldn't care. It seems to me that she isn't as into this as you. I had a girlfriend once who rarely sent texts to me or initiated plans for us to do things together, which made me think she didn't care at first, but when I didn't initiate anything myself she would complain. So I just decided she must have liked the guy to take the initiative. But that doesn't sound like the case with you. I think two months is long enough that if you aren't getting what you want, you should bring it up with her. Let her know that you would like some more passion in your relationship and see what she has to say. As for how to bring it up, I usually just come right out and say it but maybe your relationship with her is different than that so it may not be the best approach for you.
chelsea2011 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 You should just tell her in a nice way. I initiate contact sometimes, but feel funny about it because of what I read on these boards. You know...the whole "he's just not that into you" mantra. I prefer an even exchange of initiating contact because then I know he's interested. When I have to do all of the initiating I feel like I'm chasing and I don't like feeling that way. So just tell her that you are different and would really enjoy it if she initiated contact. There is no reason for you to suffer in silence...speak up, but do it in a nice caring way.
thatone Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 besides the "she's just not that into you" which is probably pretty accurate, when you eliminate sex from the equation you're pretty much rolling the dice. as has been discussed at length on this forum many times, she isn't going to feel attachment to you, nor will any other woman in all likelihood, unless you're having sex. so when you put sex on a pedestal and eliminate it as a compatibility tool, you're going to have this happen more than everyone else does. not saying your way can't work, but it'll be that much more difficult.
veggirl Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Why don't you ask her to be exclusively your girlfriend, no quotations? You'll know her interest level then.
Author start-fresh Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 Thanks for the responses everybody. I guess the reason I haven't asked her to be my exclusive girlfriend is because she could passively go along with that like everything else, and at that point, I'm in a committed relationship and the lack of any initiative on her part still hasn't been addressed. I completely agree with you thatone about the attachment that comes with sex, but I'm trying to make it work this time.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Your chick sounds way too passive to be a good mate. Have you considered other women?
veggirl Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Why don't you talk to her about this? It isn't needy/clingy. And you don't need to be all "why don't you send me cute msgs" or anything like that...but just tell her she acts like a friend, and is that what she wants to be?
mtber75 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I don't know if that's necessary true...That she not that into you. Some people are naturally very passive! If you don't like it than you should move on to someone more open because likely she'll stay this way throughout your relationship.
TheSingleGuy Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 There is a bonding chemical released during sex that effects women much more so than men. I struggle with this too, because a huge part of me would like to keep all of God's commandments, but I am certain I'd be as frustrated as you are now if I were to do that. The behavior you are getting from this woman is exactly what I'd expect in a sexless relationship. Good luck.
TheSingleGuy Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 There have been many threads on here where guys ask if women feel that sex causes them to fall in love and all the women say no, they can separate sex from emotions. I think they are wrong. I sincerely believe the fastest way to get a girl to fall for you is to sleep with her.
ditzchic Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 There have been many threads on here where guys ask if women feel that sex causes them to fall in love and all the women say no, they can separate sex from emotions. I think they are wrong. I sincerely believe the fastest way to get a girl to fall for you is to sleep with her. For me, if I'm already in the process of falling sleeping with someone will help me get there quicker. If the sex is good of course. If I'm not really all that into the person yet having sex does nothing in that respect and usually makes me distance myself from them quite a bit. It's a double edged sword.
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 For me, if I'm already in the process of falling sleeping with someone will help me get there quicker. If the sex is good of course. If I'm not really all that into the person yet having sex does nothing in that respect and usually makes me distance myself from them quite a bit. It's a double edged sword. This is something I believe. It depends on how good the sex is for them to fall in love.
TheSingleGuy Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Yes, I agree, it could be a double edged sword. Many women have said they'd run from a guy who wasn't good in bed. I guess we should re-phrase... if you are good in bed, sleeping with a woman is the fastest way to her heart. It seems contrary to Christianity.
Sugarkane Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Wow I'm surprised. Whenever woman complain that we don't know if we're exclusive or not, men always call us needy. Maybe this is why she hasnt said anything to you?!
ShannonMI Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 The girl I have been dating the last two months and I have a lot in common. I'm pretty attracted to her and we're pretty compatible in a lot of aspects of our lives. The problem I'm having right now is her aloofness and passivity. I had to ask her out first, did all of the initiating in the beginning, etc. I understand as a man, it's my "job" to lead for the most part, but I get frustrated because I feel like if I stopped contacting her she just wouldn't care. There's no cutesy texts from her, no facebook posts or comments, nothing. I always have to kiss her first. We're Christians so sex is off the table for now but I just want to feel some passion or something from her end. I want her to make me feel special or desired. Am I expecting too much or do I sound needy? We haven't had the exclusivity talk, and as a man, I've never had to bring it up before. This woman is so passive, though, that I feel like if I don't bring it up, she never will and we'll just stay in relationship limbo indefinitely. I'm sick of trying to push the intimacy forward and running into a virtual brick wall. Any thoughts on how I can bring this up without putting her on the defensive? Every time I run through this stuff in my head I get frustrated and realize it wouldn't be a good way to approach the conversation. I care about her and would like to work this issue out somehow. Disappear for a bit and see if she cares or puts more effort in. If she doesn't then be done with this chick. Move on to someone who is as into you as you are her.
ditzchic Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Yes, I agree, it could be a double edged sword. Many women have said they'd run from a guy who wasn't good in bed. I guess we should re-phrase... if you are good in bed, sleeping with a woman is the fastest way to her heart. It seems contrary to Christianity. I didn't mean if they were good in bed or not is what would make me run. I've been with men who were amazing in bed but it didn't make me fall for them. I still avoided them after the sex. I've also become or stayed attached to guys who sucked in the sack. I literally mean what I said. If I'm already in the attachment and falling process, having sex will most likely speed up the process. Even if it sucks. If I'm not in that stage, sex will do nothing to change that. Good or bad sex. In fact, I ran from the guy who was the best sex of my life because I wasn't feeling it. The sex confirmed that he was good in bed, as I suspected, but it also confirmed that I wasn't that into him outside of sex. So he never heard from me again.
Sugarkane Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 OP usually guys avoid this conversation at all costs.
soulm8 Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I understand as a man, it's my "job" to lead for the most part, but I get frustrated because I feel like if I stopped contacting her she just wouldn't care. There's no cutesy texts from her, no facebook posts or comments, nothing. I always have to kiss her first. We're Christians so sex is off the table for now but I just want to feel some passion or something from her end. I want her to make me feel special or desired. Am I expecting too much or do I sound needy? We haven't had the exclusivity talk, and as a man, I've never had to bring it up before. This woman is so passive, though, that I feel like if I don't bring it up, she never will and we'll just stay in relationship limbo indefinitely. I'm sick of trying to push the intimacy forward and running into a virtual brick wall. Any thoughts on how I can bring this up without putting her on the defensive? Every time I run through this stuff in my head I get frustrated and realize it wouldn't be a good way to approach the conversation. I care about her and would like to work this issue out somehow. How long have you gone not contacting her? Does she have the chance to miss you and/or wonder what happened to you? Are you by any chance giving her the impression that you're dating other ladies? There's a difference between being aloof and passive, and not being interested... I tend to be aloof and passive until I KNOW a man wants to be exclusive with me. I rarely bring it up first. I simply enjoy getting to know him better without any expectations. I only continue seeing someone if I am interested in more. It sounds like you should just be honest with her. There's absolutely nothing needy or wrong with telling her that you're having a hard time reading her... it could even work in your favor to make light of the fact that you've never had to bring this up before. It's hard to really say based on what you've shared. How old are you two? All I know is that I don't get all cutesy until I'm sure he wants to be my boyfriend (and I'm not shy; I'm just very reserved and not a big risk taker).
Emilia Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I didn't mean if they were good in bed or not is what would make me run. I've been with men who were amazing in bed but it didn't make me fall for them. I still avoided them after the sex. I've also become or stayed attached to guys who sucked in the sack. I literally mean what I said. If I'm already in the attachment and falling process, having sex will most likely speed up the process. Even if it sucks. If I'm not in that stage, sex will do nothing to change that. Good or bad sex. In fact, I ran from the guy who was the best sex of my life because I wasn't feeling it. The sex confirmed that he was good in bed, as I suspected, but it also confirmed that I wasn't that into him outside of sex. So he never heard from me again. Really? It's 180 degrees opposite of how it works for me. If I don't have decent sexual rapport with a man in bed, I don't fall for him, in fact he turns me off completely. It's not about being 'good in bed', it's being able to achieve a certain level of intimacy with someone. It's only possible (for me at least) with someone I have a natural affinity (chemistry) with out of bed, otherwise it's just going through the motions.
ditzchic Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Really? It's 180 degrees opposite of how it works for me. If I don't have decent sexual rapport with a man in bed, I don't fall for him, in fact he turns me off completely. It's not about being 'good in bed', it's being able to achieve a certain level of intimacy with someone. It's only possible (for me at least) with someone I have a natural affinity (chemistry) with out of bed, otherwise it's just going through the motions. I dunno. For me I always see it as good sex isn't that rare of a commodity. Clicking with someone on an emotional and intellectual level is. I'm rather forgiving of working out a few kinks in the bedroom with someone I really like as opposed to staying with someone just for the sex. And I have had AMAZING sex with guys I had no emotional or intellectual chemistry with. I really think that no one is inherently "bad" at sex. You can teach someone what you like in the bedroom and vice versa. You can't change the way someone thinks or who they are.
Emilia Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I dunno. For me I always see it as good sex isn't that rare of a commodity. Clicking with someone on an emotional and intellectual level is. I'm rather forgiving of working out a few kinks in the bedroom with someone I really like as opposed to staying with someone just for the sex. And I have had AMAZING sex with guys I had no emotional or intellectual chemistry with. I really think that no one is inherently "bad" at sex. You can teach someone what you like in the bedroom and vice versa. You can't change the way someone thinks or who they are. I agree that good sex isn't rare. I tend to like the men I sleep with so there is some clicking going on before I have sex with them but to get to great sex is another level entirely. I suppose that's what I chase really. I had great sex with one man I didn't have that much chemistry with otherwise, the others I was close to emotionally. I have only had bad sex with two men in my life - which is not many. Both were unable to last long so it was all over before it ever began. I know some women can be satisfied in other ways but to me full penetrative sex is essential so from that point of view it was bad and wasn't improving.
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