xxoo Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Of course he's super loving and attentive now. It's not boring now. NOw there if fresh new DRAMA!
2sunny Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 He still blames you for no gal friends - its your fault he has no boundary and can't be trusted - that way he doesn't need to admit to the way he participates - that way that causes suspicion. Since he seems to "need that" for his happiness - and you won't allow it for him - there's no way this will be happy - you will always be the one he blames for isolating him - based on his own bad behavior. Did he ever have sex with any of these " female friends?"
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 My perspective is that it's YOU who has ALL the power in this relationship, and you have him on a very tight, short leash. I think that conversations about why he feels isolated from other people are doomed to spiral into conversations about how he wants to flirt with other girls, because you drive them that way. He is probably the poster boy for "Walking on Eggshells." Of COURSE he had male friends. His "huge" birthday party last year was not solely populated by sexy women, was it? He traveled to Europe just a few months ago with guys, didn't he? I wish you would answer the questions people ask you, particularly the one about why you won't give him oral sex because you know he likes it. You certainly have used up plenty of bandwidth here complaining about your sex life, his low drive, etc. It doesn't sound like you're contributing in a positive way by consciously withholding what he likes sexually.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Isn't this the guy who wouldn't get you a birthday gift? If so - passively punishing each other by with holding loving acts of kindness is not equal to living behavior. What you do have is mean spirited selfishness inboth ends - which equates to hatred and resentments - which isn't anything close to love. Are you always this controlling? It's very hurtful.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 He never had sex with any of them. He only ever had sex with 1 girl before me even though he had options. He is as far from a player as it gets. I am not bragging about his loving messages... they are pointless. Just trying to tell a poster that he is wrong about my bf wanting a break. I feel that it's sad that our relationship is only intense when there is drama. He claims to want a peaceful life, yet when I provide that for some stretch of time, he grows more distant, is less attentive, seems bored etc etc. He seems to be most in love when he is just about to lose me. That's just wrong. Yet, he fails to see that. He seems to be an extrovert and needs people around, where I am completely opposite and don't need anyone. I am actually the happiest when it's just two of us. He obviously feels smothered by that, yet refuses to go out by himself with his brother or whatever. He always drags me out to things and then is upset if I barely say a word during those social outings. He seems to think that a relationship where people go out separately is wrong - yet I feel that this is the only thing that would work here.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 M_C, You are wrong on many counts. He has a small number of male friends that he is not that close to. He is allowed to see them anytime he wants to. We do see them together occasionally. I have encouraged him MANY times to have boy's nights out without me and he asked why am I pushing him away.... He claims that he doesn't connect with those guys at all and they were just going out /drinking buddies. He really seems to be missing the interaction with females. I didn't push the conversation into sexual tension/flirting territory at all. He brought this up himself when I asked him why does he feel that he can't talk to female friends. I actually apologized if I am overly jealous. He said "No, you are right to be jealous. There has always been some level of sexual tension in those friendships". When I actually zeroed in and asked him if he is missing his single life again, he paused for a long while and said "I don't think so. I think I am mostly sad because I didn't have the bday party (which I encouraged him to have). But I guess I will wait and see if I feel that way in the future".... So WTF? I am supposed to wait and see if he misses his single life....... I truly do not think any guy would miss his single life if he is in love with his girlfriend. As for sex, he has asked many other things of me. To learn to cook his favorite meals (done), to get up at 7am instead of 10-11am on the weekends (done - even though it causes me to be tired and grumpy all weekend and he doesn't seem to care - because he always wanted a woman who will get up really early). I feel like his list of demands is growing all the time and I feel like I have just about reached my limit.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 He never had sex with any of them. He only ever had sex with 1 girl before me even though he had options. He is as far from a player as it gets. I am not bragging about his loving messages... they are pointless. Just trying to tell a poster that he is wrong about my bf wanting a break. I feel that it's sad that our relationship is only intense when there is drama. He claims to want a peaceful life, yet when I provide that for some stretch of time, he grows more distant, is less attentive, seems bored etc etc. He seems to be most in love when he is just about to lose me. That's just wrong. Yet, he fails to see that. He seems to be an extrovert and needs people around, where I am completely opposite and don't need anyone. I am actually the happiest when it's just two of us. He obviously feels smothered by that, yet refuses to go out by himself with his brother or whatever. He always drags me out to things and then is upset if I barely say a word during those social outings. He seems to think that a relationship where people go out separately is wrong - yet I feel that this is the only thing that would work here. Then start changing all of it. Have him go out without you - if he won't - break up with him. Being together shouldn't mean being joined at the hip - that's not healthy. If you prefer to stay in - stay in while he gets out. Start doing things separate so that you aren't always together while not working. Take classes - meet new people - join separate social groups. Sitting everyone out isn't ideal or realistic. That would be terribly boring.
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 My perspective is that it's YOU who has ALL the power in this relationship, and you have him on a very tight, short leash. I think that conversations about why he feels isolated from other people are doomed to spiral into conversations about how he wants to flirt with other girls, because you drive them that way. He is probably the poster boy for "Walking on Eggshells." Of COURSE he had male friends. His "huge" birthday party last year was not solely populated by sexy women, was it? He traveled to Europe just a few months ago with guys, didn't he? I wish you would answer the questions people ask you, particularly the one about why you won't give him oral sex because you know he likes it. You certainly have used up plenty of bandwidth here complaining about your sex life, his low drive, etc. It doesn't sound like you're contributing in a positive way by consciously withholding what he likes sexually. I think Mme. Chaucer is onto something with her line of thinking on this thread. I see two people who love each other, with the desire for a healthy, happy, meaningful relationship here. All they need now is a little help in gaining the skills, insight, attitude and actions by which to create one. This is a very strong case for seeking out relationship as well as individual counselling. He needs to be involved and supported in any change process as much as she does. Right now he's shooting in the dark and she's getting dubious advice from LS which is pressing her buttons.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 She hasn't answered any questions. Not pushing buttons - just asking for more info to work from - yet she uses this like a diary. She's road locking any interaction we could give. Wich means she probably operates the same way with Jim...
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 (edited) She hasn't answered any questions Which is her prerogative. Not pushing buttons Oh really? She seems highly suggestible to me and when the red-flag / kick him to the curb / he's shady crowd turn up, her suspicions amplify. She reflects what other people say about her relationship almost to a tee. She doesn't answer questions about herself or the overall trend of her behaviour such as Mme. Chaucer asks, perhaps because she doesn't know the answers yet. Edited February 2, 2012 by betterdeal
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 I have ended it now. I was calm and didn't even cry. He begged and cried at first but then agreed that there is really nothing that can be done at this point. I have rented out my house, so I will be moving back in with my parents. I actually look forward to seeing them as I have missed them and have neglected them a bit. I told them that I will do all the cleaning and cooking if they will have me and my poor old mum can get some rest. They seem happy to have me I have figured that the best thing to do is to delete him and all our mutual friends in one go. Cut the ties 100%. I have always been able to find new friends. This is a big city. I can pretend he never existed. I have learned a lot here. I have learned that I am actually sane enough to have a 1 year long relationship. But there is actually one big thing here. Ready? DO NOT MOVE IN WITH A GUY UNLESS HE IS PROPOSING MARRIAGE. There. Trust me, just don't. I knew this going in but my wonder of what is like to live with someone was stronger. Now I know. I feel a bit sad but I mostly feel relieved. I will give myself a couple of months before I attempt dating again. Perhaps I am lying. Perhaps I will do it sooner. My last night at his place. I am watching a late night movie on his couch. My face is dry.
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I'm surprised. There was me thinking there was something between all or nothing.
Els Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 But there is actually one big thing here. Ready? DO NOT MOVE IN WITH A GUY UNLESS HE IS PROPOSING MARRIAGE. There. Trust me, just don't. I knew this going in but my wonder of what is like to live with someone was stronger. Now I know. This is entirely a personal thing, and indeed it is not right for some people. However, I am pretty convinced that moving in with him was NOT what contributed to the demise of your relationship, ES.
xxoo Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 DO NOT MOVE IN WITH A GUY UNLESS HE IS PROPOSING MARRIAGE. If that has been weighing on you this heavily, then it is a good thing you ended it. You two were not anywhere near ready for marriage, so it was no-win at this point. Either he would not propose, and you would be increasingly upset. Or he would propose before your relationship was stable, and that would be a disaster in the making. Take care of yourself, ES.
LexiB Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I have ended it now. I was calm and didn't even cry. He begged and cried at first but then agreed that there is really nothing that can be done at this point. Good for you both. I know it was a hard decision to make, but now each of you has a chance to find a partner with whom you're truly compatible. If you stick with this choice, that is.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Wow. I hope you are going to be okay. I think you probably did the best thing for both of you, but I expect that you'll be feeling differently than you are at this moment. There is a lot of territory between being ready for marriage and successfully pretending that someone doesn't exist. Really, take care.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Hugs ES- In your next dating experience - work on good balance... Or consider it... Work on having time with him and time with friends and family and some alone time too. Work towards good communication... Have a voice and speak your truth. Allow your partner to know what works for you and what doesn't work. Expand your interests - take a class, do some art work or play music or go to the park! Have some fun with it all!
betterdeal Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Take a break from dating for a bit. It'll do you good.
zengirl Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 I have ended it now. I was calm and didn't even cry. He begged and cried at first but then agreed that there is really nothing that can be done at this point. Good. And I'm glad you actually sat down and spoke with him (at least it sounds like you did). That is a good ending. As good an ending as things can be. I have rented out my house, so I will be moving back in with my parents. I actually look forward to seeing them as I have missed them and have neglected them a bit. I told them that I will do all the cleaning and cooking if they will have me and my poor old mum can get some rest. They seem happy to have me Nice. I hope some family time does you good. Do not let your issues with your mother get you down during this time -- I hope those are resolved to the point because you need to spend all your emotional strength on healing and maintaining you right now. I have figured that the best thing to do is to delete him and all our mutual friends in one go. Cut the ties 100%. I have always been able to find new friends. This is a big city. I can pretend he never existed. If that is what you need to do, I can certainly understand it. I would give this some thought first---at least on the friends and the pretending he never existed. Why not celebrate this? It can still be a 'good' thing for you -- a relationship where you learned and grew and ended it like an adult. And you don't have to pretend it never happened. Why not accept it? Relationships do end, and that's okay. It sounds to me like you feel ashamed of it or are running from it, and that seems unproductive. I think you can actually feel GOOD about it (not right now, but in the long run). So, my advice is just: don't do anything super drastic with the friends or such right now. Maybe back off on them for awhile, but don't burn any bridges. And accept the lessons you learned and the time together. I have learned a lot here. I have learned that I am actually sane enough to have a 1 year long relationship. But there is actually one big thing here. Ready? DO NOT MOVE IN WITH A GUY UNLESS HE IS PROPOSING MARRIAGE. I learned that lesson once (though the guy did propose, and I didn't want to marry him) and then I un-learned it, only to get married immediately before moving in/engaged right after we started planning the move anyway. But, on the whole, I agree with you. Moving in and out is messy. I feel a bit sad but I mostly feel relieved. I will give myself a couple of months before I attempt dating again. Perhaps I am lying. Perhaps I will do it sooner. My last night at his place. I am watching a late night movie on his couch. My face is dry. I hope you feel better soon. There will be bad days -- there always are. Just take care of yourself and try to takeaway the positive from this situation.
PrincessPeach Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Go on another "first date" with your boyfriend. get him on board too. Pretend to get to know each other all over again. Treat it like a first date from beginning to end, from getting all ready and pretty like your meeting him (or dating him) for the first time, meet him somewhere when you don't have to arrive together, be flirty with one another, etc. You could get a feeling about what might actually be missing from a relationship when you look at it from a different perspective. You might rediscover something you never realized that you'd lost.
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