Boyfriend is missing female friends :(

[Mme. Chaucer]

According to what you've shared here, you have behaved in ways that promote isolation: your freakout when he traveled with his friends to Europe, your constant prodding about hot volleyball girl, your bringing your complaints about his family to him, just to name a few examples.

 

I don't think it could be possible for your boyfriend to function much outside of his interactions with you without inviting a meltdown.

 

Sure, it's on him that he allows it, but I hope you will own your part in it too.

 

I can easily envision how an effort on his part to broach the subject of isolation could morph into a conversation about flirting and sexual tension with other girls, because you might be likely to steer it that way - even though this may have not been what he wanted to talk about at all.

 

So, of course he would then think he'd been "stupid" to bring up the subject.

 

Honestly, can your boyfriend have fulfilling friendships and pursue activities that you don't do together, like sports or maybe stuff with his mother, without engendering a freak-out?

 

That said, I am not a fan of people in committed relationships pursuing "friendships" that are based on flirting and sexual tension. It's a slippery slope that I personally do count on my own husband to steer clear of, as do I.

[KathyM]

Not a good plan to give your bf the green light to pursue friendships with other women whom he has sexual tension with. That's just asking for trouble, and it certainly should be a concern that he would want that kind of attention from other women. It sounds to me, though, that you both are enmeshed with each other to the exclusion of your own individual interests. People need a balanced life that includes both a romantic relationship and time spent on their own interests and pursuits. Maybe he's lacking in his own interests and pursuits, and is therefore feeling too stiffled by spending too much time and focus on just the one relationship. Maybe what he needs is to find a passion in life for things outside of the relationship with you, rather than thinking what he needs is outside relationships with other women who have a sexual interest in him. You should encourage him to explore some activities that he might have an interest in that don't include you. There needs to be a balance in a person's life between individual pursuits and a relationship with someone. If you're saying you are spending 24/7 with him except for work, then he's probably feeling stifled, and that is what is causing these feelings of wanting something else. Allowing him to fill that void with romantic attention from other women is not the answer.

[vsmini]

I stand by my opinion even more so now.

 

Just because hes honest doesnt mean things cant be fishy. When I said fishy, I meant that things feel off. If a girl expressed to me what your bf expressed to you, Id see it as a sign of rocky times ahead. Its happened to me and others, so I cant help that this is what my senses pick up. Usually when someone in a relationship expresses outside interest in the opposite sex, especially the way he has, its a sign of whats to come.

 

From what you are telling me, it seems hes getting bored of you and wants the excitement of new women. Even if its only flirting with sexual tension. Itd be one thing if he just wanted the new-ness of being around different people. But he specifically said female friends, but then said he shouldnt because of sexual tension. Obviously hes torn on what he wants to do.

 

Believe what you wish, but the guys spelling it out plain as day. And you have said it. Things are getting stale, and he wants some excitement, and though he knows female friends may present issues, he likes the idea of having different females in his life to spice things up.

 

I have to agree with this entirely.

[2sunny]

It IS his honest way of telling you he feels bored or confined or struggling with commitment.

 

It may be useful to invoke change in this R.

 

A new agreement of how this works for both of you may be in order.

 

He's saying he needs more - and that YOU can't provide him with ALL that he wants/expects from a woman.

 

If it were me - I'd set him free - so I could find a MAN that thought I was enough for him! One that thinks I'm perfect for him - and that I AM enough - in order not to be thinking he needed "additional women" to feed his big fat ego!

[tigressA]

Maybe, as some other posters here have suggested, it isn't all his problem. Of course, if I were ES I'd be put off and wondering why he didn't come to me with this earlier so it didn't get to this point, etc. In an odd way, it is him telling her (if it's the case that he still really loves her and wants to be with her) that he needs more attention/affection/flirting from her or wants to do something exciting with her.

 

I know in my own case it was this. I've been doing a lot of research into a start-up and when BF and I are on the couch, I'm on my laptop. He'll want to cuddle or he'll try to distract me and I just say "Honey, stop, I'm busy." Other times he's done this, I was reading a book or whatever else and didn't want to be bothered. It certainly wouldn't have killed me to put it all down and snuggle and laugh and flirt with him for an hour, but I acted like it did and it upset him, made him feel I was being distant and pulling away. ES seemed to be fuzzy on what the dynamic is like. They spend a lot of time together, but what do they do? If it's like anything I described above it's not really 'together' time at all.

 

Worst case scenario is that he is bored with the relationship to the point of wanting an 'out'.

[Imajerk17]

I had another talk with him and he said that was a stupid of thing of him to say because I haven't isolated him but he has rather isolated himself.

 

I told him that he can talk/flirt with other girls if he feels like it and not tell me. That it's fine and something I can live with. He said that it's ridiculous and not to worry, it was just a passing thought. Not sure what more I can do.

 

Didn't you freak out and give the guy a 6-hour interrogation when he ran into his ex in the club and they hung out for a bit? You both have cut out any threats of your life--e.g., opposite-sex friends you find attractive, am I wrong?

 

My point in bringing this up is that what you said here sure sounds good, but from what you have shared before, it's NOT how your relationship is set up. So now, quite understandably, at least one of you (both of you?) is feeling smothered.

 

I don't know what to tell you. Sounds to me that he is losing attraction because of the mistakes made up to this point. Hard to save in these situations.

Edited February 1, 2012 by Imajerk17

[skelterhelter]

OP, your bf sounds fishy to me. When I have a gf I dont have the urge to be friends with girls that I might have sexual tension with. If anything, having a gf usually diffuses any tension I might have with most girls. I would only be focused on her and keep my friendships strictly platonic.

 

Either way, I dont put myself in potentially bad positions when dating someone. It would make no sense to me to remain close with women I have tension with. This is out of respect for my relationship.

 

Its one thing to have an understanding before becoming exclusive, that flirting is harmless within reason. Its another thing to dump blame on your mate for feeling isolated, and saying you need some sort of validation from the opposite sex. Especially when your mate doesnt keep you away from your friends to begin with.

 

It just seems super fishy to me that someone in a relationship would express a strong desire to have opposite sex friends. And then also acknowledge that they shouldnt have these friends because of possible sexual tension.

 

Once again, you speak words of truth. Kudos for being a classy guy. I agree with you. Why does he NEED this outside validation? Is he really so attention starved that he can't find the same satisfaction with you? I too am suspicious. I don't trust anyone who needs such attention/flirting when they're in a relationship. If my guy was uncomfortable with the attention a guy--friend or not--was showering on me, the other person would gone; my relationship is too important to risk it. Of course we all have the right to opposite sex friends while in relationship...but with boundaries! If someone purely misses female friends for lack of sexual attention....well, that's a huge red flag to me. I personally wouldn't put up with it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I told him that he can talk/flirt with other girls if he feels like it and not tell me. That it's fine and something I can live with.

 

That's downright dishonest.

[2sunny]

That's downright dishonest.

 

Good use of denial too! Can you detect my sarcasm?

 

If you don't tell me what you're REALLY doing - it makes it untrue!

 

Fact is - the spark is fizzling - but OP thinks to live in denial will make it all better.

 

It won't - it will make you bitter and full of regret though!

 

Why not change the R? Start dating others - that would be reall and honest! He's not finding that YOU alone are enough to entice him completely! So what! Let him roam free... That way YOU can find a MAN that DOES find YOU alone to be ENOUGH for him to not complain about "missing his other women"!

[Eternal Sunshine]

OK, I took it seriously and talked to him again.

 

He said that it's not that he is purely missing female friends. It's the fact that 90% of his friends were female. He says he is too emotional for a guy and just connects with women better. The problem is that almost all of those friendships had a flirtatious tone. So he felt that it was not appropriate to continue them when in a relationship. Now he is left with zero friends. It was his bday recently and he had a huge party last year. He got sad because he realized that he has distanced himself from everyone so much, that he probably would not have many people to invite to the party (so he didn't have one). That's why he started wanting to reconnect with his female friends (as they are the only close friends he had).

 

There is one girl in particular that he used to be good friends with before he met me. She had a crush on him for a year but he didn't find that he liked her enough to date her. After he told me this, I did request that he doesn't hang out with her again. He never did but apparently she just completed her PhD (found out over her status on FB) and he wanted to congratulate her. Then he felt that even writing to her on FB would upset me so he didn't.

 

He also said that when we are having problems, things like that bother him more. When we are happy and having a good stretch - those thoughts never even cross his mind. He also said that more than anything he just wants a happy and peaceful relationship with me. He told me that he truly, really loves me deeply, is never bored of me.

 

I asked him if he feels that anything is missing in our relationship. He told me that I KNOW what's missing. What he is getting at is that he constantly bugs me for more oral sex. That's the kind of sex that he prefers the most. I hate being told what to do and the more he bugs me, the more I don't want to do it.

 

There is also something that he said that disturbs me. He said that the male psychology is such that even in the happiest of relationships guys will occasionally wonder about other girls. That doesn't mean that the relationship is not the right one. Commitment means that he not going to do anything about it and he will just brush those thoughts aside.

 

To give you a full story, our relationship has been pretty strained lately. His parents hate me and they have been telling him daily to break up with me. He argues with them and is feeling quite stressed over it all. Perhaps we are just going through a bad patch.

 

Any thoughts now? Does he still sound fishy?

[Els]

OK, I took it seriously and talked to him again.

 

He said that it's not that he is purely missing female friends. It's the fact that 90% of his friends were female. He says he is too emotional for a guy and just connects with women better. The problem is that almost all of those friendships had a flirtatious tone. So he felt that it was not appropriate to continue them when in a relationship. Now he is left with zero friends. It was his bday recently and he had a huge party last year. He got sad because he realized that he has distanced himself from everyone so much, that he probably would not have many people to invite to the party (so he didn't have one). That's why he started wanting to reconnect with his female friends (as they are the only close friends he had).

 

You haven't answered - why not both of you go and meet them occasionally?

[Star Gazer]

Perhaps we are just going through a bad patch.

 

You go through a bad patch every couple weeks ever since you started dating. I don't point that out to be mean, but... Aren't you just... exhausted?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why is a grown up man in a situation where he is being told on a daily basis of his parents hatred for you, and to break up with you?

 

That's sick.

 

After the first time, he needed to tell them he wasn't available to discuss you negatively any more.

 

Do you guys just need every bit of drama you can scrape together, just to carry on?

 

After your last thread, where you posted about how he criticizes you without any breaks all day every day, and told all of us that you believe he has a "weak character", I am surprised you are still with him. You have so many serious complaints, punctuated with horrible blow ups, and you seem to dislike and disrespect him very wholeheartedly. I have a feeling that he's taking quite a pummeling in this relationship, himself. But, you have been absent from here for a while so I was hopeful that you were figuring out how to like him again.

 

It's really hard to be supportive of you and of this relationship, ES, when you constantly try to portray your boyfriend as a weak jerk and yourself as a maligned, long suffering victim. If you're not working on making it better - why be in it. Because he'll cry if you break up?

[Eternal Sunshine]

You go through a bad patch every couple weeks ever since you started dating. I don't point that out to be mean, but... Aren't you just... exhausted?

 

I am SG, I truly am.

 

I know I have said it before, but since his parents saga (where I also feel he is being too weak in standing up to them) - I have seriously considered breaking up. I was resolved to do it one day but then I remembered that it's his birthday and have put it off. The next day his brother was over so couldn't do it then. Then he got very ill with a flu.... so... I guess I am also afraid that I will regret my decision. I just don't think that being in a relationship should be THIS hard.

 

You may think that this thread is pointless but I just needed to convince myself more that there is really no future here.

[blueskyday]

Oh,no red flags are a waving! Not your fault. I believe his character might be shady.

 

Let's count the ways.

 

1. He needs external validation from other women. He should only care about attention from YOU!

 

2. Before you, his friends were mostly (90%) female because he's so darn sensitive? yeah, right...He can be friends with YOUR friends, but I bet he doesn't pursue that at all.

 

3. He regularly tells you his parents hate you. Manipulation alert! He should be making you feel better by letting you know that he is keeping them in check. He should NOT be repeating anything bad they said about you to you. He needs to defend you to them.

 

4. He tells you what is wrong is that he wants more oral sex. Manipulation alert #2! Oh, he wouldn't want to flirt with these girls if you were blowing him more. I say show me a woman who doesn't like giving her man bj's and I'll show you a woman who may be angry at her man, or who doesn't feel safe with him. What a loser. He should be asking you what YOU need in order to do that more.

 

5. He doesn't offer to include you in these friendships with women. In my opinion, female friends should want to get to know you, and be supportive of your relationship. I don't mind a guy keeping a few close female friends, as long as I'm invited along whenever I want. I DO mind new female friendships being made once a relationship is in place, unless it is a new mutual friend.

 

I agree with the poster who said this sounds fishy.

[Mme. Chaucer]

But … when you are in a good mood, you see him as a great boyfriend. When you have your grumpy pants on, you see him as a horrible weak sissy. And you put a LOT of energy towards the negative view; I guess because when you're feeling crappy you tend to post here on LS and trash talk your relationship more.

 

I mean, you were telling all of us that you were sure that this was THE MAN YOU WANTED TO MARRY a few short weeks ago … and then, you are telling us stuff that makes him look like a total loser.

 

How would he feel if he had to meet any of us, if he knew the way he's been portrayed here?

 

If he really is that bad, WHY are you with him?

 

And if he really is good enough to marry and have children with (if he'd only ask you) then WHY do you denigrate him in such minuscule detail here on LS?

 

Do you talk about him like this to your real life people? I know you do to your mom ...

[blueskyday]

Well, I don't know the whole story here, but maybe these are some big underlying concerns. It's easy to make excuses for a guy we love because we see many wonderful things about him.

 

The nagging doubts and concerns always rise up to the surface, however, until we deal with them.

 

Maybe that's what is going on.

Edited February 2, 2012 by blueskyday
typo

[2sunny]

OK, I took it seriously and talked to him again.

 

He said that it's not that he is purely missing female friends. It's the fact that 90% of his friends were female. He says he is too emotional for a guy and just connects with women better. The problem is that almost all of those friendships had a flirtatious tone. So he felt that it was not appropriate to continue them when in a relationship. Now he is left with zero friends. It was his bday recently and he had a huge party last year. He got sad because he realized that he has distanced himself from everyone so much, that he probably would not have many people to invite to the party (so he didn't have one). That's why he started wanting to reconnect with his female friends (as they are the only close friends he had).

 

There is one girl in particular that he used to be good friends with before he met me. She had a crush on him for a year but he didn't find that he liked her enough to date her. After he told me this, I did request that he doesn't hang out with her again. He never did but apparently she just completed her PhD (found out over her status on FB) and he wanted to congratulate her. Then he felt that even writing to her on FB would upset me so he didn't.

 

He also said that when we are having problems, things like that bother him more. When we are happy and having a good stretch - those thoughts never even cross his mind. He also said that more than anything he just wants a happy and peaceful relationship with me. He told me that he truly, really loves me deeply, is never bored of me.

 

I asked him if he feels that anything is missing in our relationship. He told me that I KNOW what's missing. What he is getting at is that he constantly bugs me for more oral sex. That's the kind of sex that he prefers the most. I hate being told what to do and the more he bugs me, the more I don't want to do it.

 

There is also something that he said that disturbs me. He said that the male psychology is such that even in the happiest of relationships guys will occasionally wonder about other girls. That doesn't mean that the relationship is not the right one. Commitment means that he not going to do anything about it and he will just brush those thoughts aside.

 

To give you a full story, our relationship has been pretty strained lately. His parents hate me and they have been telling him daily to break up with me. He argues with them and is feeling quite stressed over it all. Perhaps we are just going through a bad patch.

 

Any thoughts now? Does he still sound fishy?

 

Fishy? No. Uncertain and passive aggressive? Yes!

 

IF he wants certain friends - YOU can't determine who and which ones/to what extent without him resenting YOU!

 

He wants friends! You have required him to pull out of his social life in order to date you! You think you should be ENOUGH - well guess what... ONE person will never be enough for a guy like this.

 

Let him go find what he's looking for - because it's not you!

 

He wants oral - and you don't do it enough. Ya know - most loving relationships would be thrilled to give more IF they know fully well that's ALL a man asks for! Yet you get defiant. That's terribly mean - and not loving at all.

 

He's lying to himself! He's not happy and now he's trying to back pedal.

 

Be realistic - love shouldn't have such struggles. The battles are your clues that this is NOT a good match.

 

Let him go to be "friends" with all those "women" he's missing. You tying things down tighter is only likely to make him resent you more... Which he will!

 

He already does resent you - but he's not honest about that either! So - without honesty - you have no basisi to trust him.

[blueskyday]

I have had a lot of experience with guys like this. Yes, I would recognize this as covert manipulation from a passive aggressive male with a huge inferiority complex. This is what a lot of guys like that do. And most people wouldn't see it.

 

Not your fault. What kind of guy wants to have a bunch of female friends to flirt with? Not one who is relationship material.

[Star Gazer]

ES: Your relationship is like a tumor. You've been fighting it with radiation and chemo, but in reality, the first step to a cure is cutting the dang thing out of your body. THEN you heal.

 

You've learned a lot from this relationship; you can put those skills into the next one, which will be better. There's no salvaging this. You're only prolonging the inevitable.

[silvermercy]

I don't know about fishy but I would add problematic. It seems like a lot of drama for a new relationship (parents included...)

If he says he's more emotional than ordinary men (I refuse to believe there are no sensitive men out there, lol) THEN suggest that he makes friends with gay people! Problem solved for both of you! No, I'm serious. I wonder what his response would be... Maybe he'll say that he does not feel comfortable with gay people, especially men. If he says that, ask if he's homophobic. If he says yes, well, what are you doing with such a person? If he says no, ask how exactly is it different from having straight female friends? If we follow the "emotional stereotype" logic, gay men and lesbians are by default emotional people.

[kaylan]

OK, I took it seriously and talked to him again.

 

He said that it's not that he is purely missing female friends. It's the fact that 90% of his friends were female. He says he is too emotional for a guy and just connects with women better. The problem is that almost all of those friendships had a flirtatious tone. So he felt that it was not appropriate to continue them when in a relationship. Now he is left with zero friends. It was his bday recently and he had a huge party last year. He got sad because he realized that he has distanced himself from everyone so much, that he probably would not have many people to invite to the party (so he didn't have one). That's why he started wanting to reconnect with his female friends (as they are the only close friends he had).

 

Well theres nothing wrong with being an emotional person. I guess I can understand why most of his friends are female. But for all of them to have a flirty/sexual tone? What kind of real friendships are those then? They sound more like the kind of "friendships" some guys and gals have where its just a facade for their attraction for one another.

 

This seems evidenced by the fact that hes had to cut them out of his life when he got together with you. Like Oxy said earlier, real real friends dont just cut each other out. Why is it your fault that he doesnt know how to have strictly platonic friendships with women while he has a girlfriend? I could understand it being difficult when hes single, because I sometimes have trouble with it. But when I have a girlfriend, I have no problem being just friends with chicks. Im a loyal lad.

 

 

There is one girl in particular that he used to be good friends with before he met me. She had a crush on him for a year but he didn't find that he liked her enough to date her. After he told me this, I did request that he doesn't hang out with her again. He never did but apparently she just completed her PhD (found out over her status on FB) and he wanted to congratulate her. Then he felt that even writing to her on FB would upset me so he didn't.

Whatd I just say? Of course someone likes someone in this so called friendship. I knew it lol

 

Its a bit much for you to ask him not to see her again. You could have just said that they shouldnt hang out 1 on 1.

 

 

He also said that when we are having problems, things like that bother him more. When we are happy and having a good stretch - those thoughts never even cross his mind. He also said that more than anything he just wants a happy and peaceful relationship with me. He told me that he truly, really loves me deeply, is never bored of me.

I dunno about this part. Its not good that he begins to resent you because of his severed friendships when hes upset with you. This can manifest itself in something ugly in the future.

 

I asked him if he feels that anything is missing in our relationship. He told me that I KNOW what's missing. What he is getting at is that he constantly bugs me for more oral sex. That's the kind of sex that he prefers the most. I hate being told what to do and the more he bugs me, the more I don't want to do it.

Seems like you might have an issue of sexual compatibility. Do you dislike giving oral?

 

Either way, I get where you are coming from. Being told what to do is annoying as hell. And whenever anyone tells me what to do in a negative way, even if I am willing to do something, I refuse to.

There is also something that he said that disturbs me. He said that the male psychology is such that even in the happiest of relationships guys will occasionally wonder about other girls. That doesn't mean that the relationship is not the right one. Commitment means that he not going to do anything about it and he will just brush those thoughts aside.

Theres a difference between fantasizing about other people in passing, and what hes done in this whole situation.

 

Hes actively brought up wanting chick friends to have sexual tension and flirt with. Thats FAR different from a guy or girl having a passing thought about someone other then their partner.

 

Ive thought about other girls while with my exes. But it was a thought of "hmmm I wonder what that would feel like". Its not that id ever really truly give serious thought about wanting to do it. Because when Im with someone, Im with them.

To give you a full story, our relationship has been pretty strained lately. His parents hate me and they have been telling him daily to break up with me. He argues with them and is feeling quite stressed over it all. Perhaps we are just going through a bad patch.

 

Any thoughts now? Does he still sound fishy?

Does he defend you to his parents? I had to deal with something similar with my ex. Her dad liked me and thought I was chill, but her mom never approved and would make silly comments every now and again. The fact that her mom didnt approve did cause some issues and theyd argue.

 

It causes strain when one doesnt feel accepted in a relationship, but what should matter is if he wants to fight for you. If hes willing to stick up for you, then cool.

 

It does seem like a bad patch...but its good you guys communicate. Id be a bit cautious for now. And I would make sure that you let him know to remain honest with you. Does it seem like hes wanting to take a break at all? Im getting that vibe to be honest.

[Eternal Sunshine]

No, I don't think he wants to take a break.

 

Since this last talk where I probed for the details...he has been super attentive. Called me 3 times from work, sends me loving messages etc etc.

[xxoo]

He said that it's not that he is purely missing female friends. It's the fact that 90% of his friends were female. He says he is too emotional for a guy and just connects with women better. The problem is that almost all of those friendships had a flirtatious tone. So he felt that it was not appropriate to continue them when in a relationship. Now he is left with zero friends. It was his bday recently and he had a huge party last year. He got sad because he realized that he has distanced himself from everyone so much, that he probably would not have many people to invite to the party (so he didn't have one). That's why he started wanting to reconnect with his female friends (as they are the only close friends he had).

 

I still don't get why he couldn't pull back on the flirting and continue the friendships, if these are his true friends. Does he really have no REAL friends? One or two people that he keeps in touch with, and calls with big news?

That is troubling in and of itself

 

WHat is up with the oral sex power struggle? He wants more, but you won't give it because he wants it? What??? Sex is supposed to be FUN!

 

What is the fun part of your relationship?

[2sunny]

No, I don't think he wants to take a break.

 

Since this last talk where I probed for the details...he has been super attentive. Called me 3 times from work, sends me loving messages etc etc.

 

Why are you avoiding answering posters here? Why are you avoiding that there are bigger problems with him?

 

This R obviously has many holes in the healthy sense - its taking on water and about to sink and you're gushing that he's overcompensating his guilty conscience by calling more than usual...

 

He's trying to be sure you're not too mad at him!

 

It's still not loving behavior - if he asks for a bj - and YOU know hats what he wants - yet you will not do it for him. That's actually controlling and mean.