Eternal Sunshine Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 My bf recently made a couple of joking comments that I have isolated him from people. I decided to discuss it with him and told him that he is free to go for nights out with his friends any time he wants to. He replied that he is not really missing male friends but female ones. I responded to feel free to talk to them any time. He said that he doesn't really feel it's appropriate because there was always flirting/sexual tension involved. He feels that thus it's his "duty" not to talk to those girls because he is now in a relationship. Now, I don't feel like I should encourage him to talk to girls he feels sexual tension with (which he said that he felt it with ALL his female friends). It worries me that he is basically telling me that he is missing flirting with girls. He tried to minimize it and tell me that it's not "that big of a deal" but it clearly is. I had male friends that flirted with me in the past and I have also cut them off since our relationship became serious (which is just a normal thing to do). I don't miss them at all - they were just a poor substitute to the real thing. An objective view would help.
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 This would set off alarm bells in my head. He's basically saying he is going through the motions of being a good boyfriend by not flirting with other women but that's not how he really feels since he misses doing it enough to bring it up. And I think if he brought it up it is a big deal. Most men I know don't bring up emotional stuff like this just for funsies unless it's really been on their mind. If it were me I would talk to him about it and see why he misses it so much and if there is anything you're not giving him that would make him miss them less.
Els Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) Uhm, how about you arrange some time for BOTH of you to meet his female friends? Then he gets to talk to them, but there won't be any hanky panky around. Sounds like a fairly good compromise to me. If I were going to meet a male friend, I'd definitely invite the bf to come along if he wanted. The part about him feeling 'sexual tension' for all of them would worry me though. Them flirting is on them, but his feelings are on him. I don't believe the crap people say about men being such very sexual creatures that even in a relationship they feel sexual tension with any and every creature with a vagina. IME when a guy is in a relationship, he doesn't feel like banging every girl he sees. Edited January 31, 2012 by Elswyth
silvermercy Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) Well the only thing I can say is that it sounds like it IS indeed a big deal, especially if you had a talk about it and then he tried to minimize it when he saw his chances of winning the argument were becoming smaller. He tasted the waters, he didn't like it when he saw you were seriously bothered by it and then he backed down to avoid further trouble. That's the thing though, what he said (jokingly or not) can't be UN-told... I really wish I could offer more advise. Just my view: that, in your place, I would personally be very bothered by it, too. edit: I think meeting his female friends would feel a bit a awkward perhaps, since she now knows his feelings. Edited January 31, 2012 by silvermercy
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 I had male friends that flirted with me in the past and I have also cut them off since our relationship became serious (which is just a normal thing to do). I don't miss them at all - they were just a poor substitute to the real thing. Take note, people. This is the reason why male/female platonic relationships don't work. There's always sexual tension from one or the other or both. By the way, it's not friendship if you say can easily cut them off and not miss them at all. You phrase "poor substitute to the real thing" means the attention they gave you (and you liked) couldn't fill your desire for a real mate. An objective view would help. Is this even possible to get on a dating site?
verhrzn Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 This may be an unpopular opinion, but... is wanting to flirt with other girls (like his female friends) really so very wrong? There's a saying that, we're all monogamous but not dead. Most of us like some sort of outside validation that we're attractive, even if we're in a happy, committed relationship. And really... flirting is fun! Flirting with members of the opposite sex-even friends-doesn't have to be the line in the sand of trust. Him wanting to flirt with girls doesn't necessarily have to mean he wants to be with them, or that he's unhappy with you. Would it be possible for him (and you!) to flirt with other people, without either of you feeling insecure? Could you trust him to just flirt and then draw the line there?
FitChick Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 Uhm, how about you arrange some time for BOTH of you to meet his female friends? Then he gets to talk to them, but there won't be any hanky panky around. Sounds like a fairly good compromise to me. Why not have a party where he invites his single female friends and you invite your single male friends. You might solve the problem when some of them hook up. At the very least, each of you would be less threatened when you meet the friends. There is a saying: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 You might want to check out this book: Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 ES: Have you talked about WHY he misses his female friends, or what about them that he misses? Is it that he misses the flirtation? Or does he simply miss THEM as people and having someone to share a different perspective with? If he misses the flirtation, could you amp up the flirtation yourself? We often forget about the importance of flirting and flattery with our own SOs. Maybe he misses the ego boost. And if he simply misses having female friends, perhaps you could encourage him to become friends with women you're more comfortable with...like your own?
xxoo Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 He said that he doesn't really feel it's appropriate because there was always flirting/sexual tension involved. He feels that thus it's his "duty" not to talk to those girls because he is now in a relationship. Can he not spend time with them and NOT flirt? If they are really friends, they will be interested in meeting his partner and supporting his relationship. He can lead with appropriate boundaries, and they will respect them. If they are more "women he likes to flirt with", but not truly friends, then he is essentially saying that he misses the attentions of other women. You'd have to wonder why your attentions are not enough, and if you want to be with a man who craves attention from other women. Not a good sign.
KathyM Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Why would a man need validation from other women if he's getting plenty of validation from you? The whole point of being exclusive with one another is to develop a deeper relationship with someone, in which case they wouldn't seek or need sexual interest from others. I think if my husband or if my boyfriend had ever told me he missed the attention and flirting from other women, I'd tell him "There's the door, go for it. I wouldn't want to be with a man who needed other women to flirt with him."
Star Gazer Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Why would a man need validation from other women if he's getting plenty of validation from you? The whole point of being exclusive with one another is to develop a deeper relationship with someone, in which case they wouldn't seek or need sexual interest from others. I think if my husband or if my boyfriend had ever told me he missed the attention and flirting from other women, I'd tell him "There's the door, go for it. I wouldn't want to be with a man who needed other women to flirt with him." I bolded the key word here. There's no evidence throughout ES's threads that she validates this man. It would stand to reason that most of us would show a man the door if he expressed a need for validation beyond that which we were already providing. But that assumes we're providing it in the first place. Most men (and women) don't stray because they're purely selfish, sociopathic people. They stray because their needs aren't being met within the relationship.
Titania22 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I think it is good that he spoke with you honestly.
betterdeal Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Well .... how do you feel about it? Is there a compromise position you're willing to accept? Have you discussed that with him? For instance, if you can accept : 1. Look but don't touch 2. Never in front of me 3. Don't tell me about it Maybe you can both be on diet but still look in the fridge occasionally. That's if you can accept that compromise position.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 Well .... how do you feel about it? Is there a compromise position you're willing to accept? Have you discussed that with him? For instance, if you can accept : 1. Look but don't touch 2. Never in front of me 3. Don't tell me about it Maybe you can both be on diet but still look in the fridge occasionally. That's if you can accept that compromise position. I had another talk with him and he said that was a stupid of thing of him to say because I haven't isolated him but he has rather isolated himself. I told him that he can talk/flirt with other girls if he feels like it and not tell me. That it's fine and something I can live with. He said that it's ridiculous and not to worry, it was just a passing thought. Not sure what more I can do.
betterdeal Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 It did sound like he had projected onto you a bit. Glad to hear he came to his senses and realised he had chosen to restrict himself of his own accord (his "duty"), rather than anything you stipulated. There's an episode of Friends that covers this topic. Chandler tells Monica her flirting is not the same as him flirting because when a guy flirts, women think "Aw, thanks, honey" but when a woman flirts guys think "Thank you, dear God! Someone who actually wants to sleep with me!"
silvermercy Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 It's a good thing he finally admitted it wasn't you that made him feel isolated but him. Just that alone would have frustrated me immensely. However, I can understand why this thing still bothers you. It's not a situation of him acting on it. He may never act on it. But I would still be bothered by the fact he actually FELT that he was missing something. Explore that further if you can. (PS. I personally wouldn't be OK with my man flirting behind my back; would never give permission. That'd just be asking for bigger trouble.)
kaylan Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) OP, your bf sounds fishy to me. When I have a gf I dont have the urge to be friends with girls that I might have sexual tension with. If anything, having a gf usually diffuses any tension I might have with most girls. I would only be focused on her and keep my friendships strictly platonic. Either way, I dont put myself in potentially bad positions when dating someone. It would make no sense to me to remain close with women I have tension with. This is out of respect for my relationship. Its one thing to have an understanding before becoming exclusive, that flirting is harmless within reason. Its another thing to dump blame on your mate for feeling isolated, and saying you need some sort of validation from the opposite sex. Especially when your mate doesnt keep you away from your friends to begin with. It just seems super fishy to me that someone in a relationship would express a strong desire to have opposite sex friends. And then also acknowledge that they shouldnt have these friends because of possible sexual tension. Edited February 1, 2012 by kaylan
tigressA Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Like Silvermercy said, it is good he came to a resolution on the issue without you having to prompt him/otherwise be demanding. I would ask him if he feels something in your relationship is lacking and see what you can both do about it. Perhaps he does feel like you're distant and wants a deeper connection. My BF was like this--if he felt he wasn't getting enough attention from me, sometimes he chatted with his female friends. I never noticed anything overly flirtatious or inappropriate but there was a clear pattern emerging. It was almost always around a time when I was being 'distant'. I think I did, and still do, more than enough to validate him but sometimes he gets especially needy and before we talked it out, instead of being straight with me and asking me to pay more attention to him, he would go elsewhere for it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 I don't think that he is fishy. He was just honest. Things are getting a little stale and boring. We have spent last 6 months together 24/7 apart from work. We never go out separately. I am pretty much the only person he talks to apart from his family. If he were really fishy, he would talk to female friends behind my back or at the very least not admit to sexual tension.
Els Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 I don't think that it's fishy, personally - it does sound like he's being honest on this one. But what strikes me is that you 'accept that he has to flirt' as an inevitable sort of thing. I really, really don't think it's unavoidable or necessary. Sure, if you're actually fine with it, that's great, but your posts leave me thinking otherwise.
kaylan Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) I don't think that he is fishy. He was just honest. Things are getting a little stale and boring. We have spent last 6 months together 24/7 apart from work. We never go out separately. I am pretty much the only person he talks to apart from his family. If he were really fishy, he would talk to female friends behind my back or at the very least not admit to sexual tension. I stand by my opinion even more so now. Just because hes honest doesnt mean things cant be fishy. When I said fishy, I meant that things feel off. If a girl expressed to me what your bf expressed to you, Id see it as a sign of rocky times ahead. Its happened to me and others, so I cant help that this is what my senses pick up. Usually when someone in a relationship expresses outside interest in the opposite sex, especially the way he has, its a sign of whats to come. From what you are telling me, it seems hes getting bored of you and wants the excitement of new women. Even if its only flirting with sexual tension. Itd be one thing if he just wanted the new-ness of being around different people. But he specifically said female friends, but then said he shouldnt because of sexual tension. Obviously hes torn on what he wants to do. Believe what you wish, but the guys spelling it out plain as day. And you have said it. Things are getting stale, and he wants some excitement, and though he knows female friends may present issues, he likes the idea of having different females in his life to spice things up. Edited February 1, 2012 by kaylan
xxoo Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) I don't think that he is fishy. He was just honest. Things are getting a little stale and boring. We have spent last 6 months together 24/7 apart from work. We never go out separately. I am pretty much the only person he talks to apart from his family. "Apart from work" is a big condition to 24/7. Most live in couples I know go to work, then come home to their partner and spend time together most days. Is "real life" boring? How much excitement do you require? If you guys are bored, then why not do what most people do--find a hobby, together or separately. Take a class. Volunteer. Write a novel. Why even bring up other women? Strange leap, imo.... Also, why doesn't he talk to anyone but you and family? No friendly neighbors? No old friends he keeps in touch with? No coworkers that ever come over for a bbq? Why not? Edited February 1, 2012 by xxoo
veggirl Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Ouch. I don't even know what I'd say if my BF came to me with something like this. Yeah, good he's honest, but what he had to say is extremely disturbing. I'd delve into it further with him for more information, but this would very possibly be a dealbreaker and I can def see myself walking after more convos about this, depending on how they go. I think my biggest problem would be, even if it is "cleared up", would I be able to forget? I don't think I could. It would really hurt my feelings. This may be an unpopular opinion, but... is wanting to flirt with other girls (like his female friends) really so very wrong? There's a saying that, we're all monogamous but not dead. Most of us like some sort of outside validation that we're attractive, even if we're in a happy, committed relationship. And really... flirting is fun! Flirting with members of the opposite sex-even friends-doesn't have to be the line in the sand of trust. Him wanting to flirt with girls doesn't necessarily have to mean he wants to be with them, or that he's unhappy with you. Would it be possible for him (and you!) to flirt with other people, without either of you feeling insecure? Could you trust him to just flirt and then draw the line there? This is such a bad idea. Why INVITE the possiblity of things going so horribly wrong? Flirting is all good and well when you are single, but to flirt with a FRIEND you see, presumably, on a regular basis? We aren't robots, the possiblity of feelings developing is crazy big, IMO. Either way, I dont put myself in potentially bad positions when dating someone. It would make no sense to me to remain close with women I have tension with. This is out of respect for my relationship. This. The possibility for things going badly would be TOO HIGH. Common sense. I don't think that he is fishy. He was just honest. Things are getting a little stale and boring. We have spent last 6 months together 24/7 apart from work. We never go out separately. I am pretty much the only person he talks to apart from his family. If he were really fishy, he would talk to female friends behind my back or at the very least not admit to sexual tension. Stale and boring? Have you been together even a year yet? How are you going to potentially marry someone if things are already stale and boring?
Els Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 "Apart from work" is a big condition to 24/7. Most live in couples I know go to work, then come home to their partner and spend time together most days. We do the same, but there are other couples I know of who spend time with their friends separately, a couple of times during the week. I think that's okay as well, especially if it was a co-ed or same-sex group. But a guy missing female friends and flirting specifically is just... off, IMO. I do know guys like that, but they tend to be the casual-dating, player variety, not the LTR sort of guy.
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