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Is my second chance failing?


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Posted

My ex and I have been reconnected after 8 months apart. We were together for little over a year. After we seperated (amicable, but initiated by him), we both entered into new relationships. Those new relationships have ended (both were approximately 5 months long). During my relationship with my new boyfriend, the ex would try to initiate contact with me. I would ignore it. He would say things like "I miss you." and I "I regret ending things." etc...

 

Now that we are both single, we decided to date casually, nothing serious and hang-out from time-to-time. We already slept with one another (not the best idea, I know) and we hung out another day in which we did not spend the night together. I still love my ex very much and do want to reconsider dating again. After we hung out that day, he texted me "I had a really good time, thank you and I'll see you again soon." We stay in contact almost every other day.

 

As of late though, I feel that my ex is losing interest in reconciling. We are both casually dating other people, but seeing if we can work together. I feel like I am putting a little too much pressure in on my end. For the past couple of days, I have been initiating contact, but he always answers the phone and we have a light hearted and fun conversation. He always replies to texts immediately, but there really isn't much effort on his part to initiate contact. We had tons of fun when we hung out, and we talked about the future and what our intentions were. He said he wanted to take things slow and let them happen naturally.

 

Today I flat out asked him, via text, why is that I initiate contact with him more so than he does with me and I don't want to get dicked around. His response, was "I told you Wednesday that I don't know what we are doing or if we are going to get back together, I don't want to get serious right now and I don't text because I don't have anything to say. I do call you from time-to-time, but not everyday. I don't want things to get dramatic or awkward between us, I told you I want to take it slow. Don't put your life on hold for me, if you meet somebody you like, go for it."

 

This response hurt me very much, but I will have my pride.

 

I responded, "I'm not being dramatic, I'm asking a serious question because I don't want to be annoying. I don't want to ruin whatever we are working on and I felt since we are good friends I can probe you from time-to-time."

 

He responded. "Haha, it's not dramatic or awkward yet, I just don't want it to go there. I want to remain airy and not serious. I've had enough serious for a while."

 

I responded with something sarcastic and humorous, and left it at that. We haven't spoken since. We have plans to hang out on Saturday, but I know he is seeing other people, as am I. I am just taking aback by how non-chalant he is being. I don't know if he is testing the waters with me, or how I should procede. It's just a stark difference from a coupld of weeks ago when he was telling me he loved and missed me.

 

I want to work things out with my ex. Should the fact the he doesn't initiate contact with me speak leaps and bounds? Or am I just being a little psychotic and jealous? What should I do?

Posted

Give him space. The more pressure you put on him now, the more he will push you away.

 

Focus on your life and enjoying yourself without him in it. I know you love him and he still loves you but he has a flipped switch in him now and only he can unflip that switch on his own.

 

My advice stop contacting him first, make him chase you. This is called NIC. Not Initiating Contact. He will, just give him time and space to miss you

Posted

You want to work things out with him, but it sounds like he's not too interested in doing that. He may, after some time, decide to really try and work things out... or he may not.

 

A casual relationship is something that HE wants, but if you're not interested in that then simply don't do it. If you bend to his will, then he'll take advantage of you.

Posted

 

Now that we are both single, we decided to date casually, nothing serious and hang-out from time-to-time.

 

So you both decided to date casually.

 

Today I flat out asked him, via text, why is that I initiate contact with him more so than he does with me and I don't want to get dicked around. His response, was "I told you Wednesday that I don't know what we are doing or if we are going to get back together, I don't want to get serious right now and I don't text because I don't have anything to say. I do call you from time-to-time, but not everyday. I don't want things to get dramatic or awkward between us, I told you I want to take it slow. Don't put your life on hold for me, if you meet somebody you like, go for it."

 

This response hurt me very much, but I will have my pride.

 

Why would that hurt when you both decided to date casually. That's what you agreed to and that's what he is doing.

 

It's just a stark difference from a coupld of weeks ago when he was telling me he loved and missed me.

 

Until he got the opportunity to have you back and decided that's not what he wanted.

 

 

I want to work things out with my ex. Should the fact the he doesn't initiate contact with me speak leaps and bounds? Or am I just being a little psychotic and jealous? What should I do?

 

He is not into you. I would drop this guy like a hot potato, go NC, and never look back.

Posted

So he's stringing you along until someone better comes along. So he didn't value you enough to begin with and dumped you. So he gets annoyed when you contact him. Yet he claims he loves you. Doesn't sound much like love to me. I'd suggest you dump this guy and find someone who shows more interest in pursuing a relationship with you.

Posted

Typical ego driven male.

 

So, when you were in a relationship, he was all "i regret ending things, I miss you" bla bla bla... and now you are no longer involved, and free to see who you like, he's all "let's date casually"

 

So, right now, he is happy to date casually, keep you around as an option, but I don't think he will want to revisit a relationship with you until to point comes that you meet someone else who you really like, and things progress with them. Then the male competitive element will come out and that will fuel him to maybe fight for you. Which again, doesn't necessarily mean anything, because it's only ego based.

 

If someone I loved told me to date other people and if I met someone I like, to "go for it" .......... I would listen.

 

Continue to date him too if you really just have to play it all out, for curiosity, or closure or whatever, but like others say, go NIC, and put your focus on other dating options.

Posted (edited)
"I told you Wednesday that I don't know what we are doing or if we are going to get back together, I don't want to get serious right now and I don't text because I don't have anything to say. I do call you from time-to-time, but not everyday. I don't want things to get dramatic or awkward between us, I told you I want to take it slow. Don't put your life on hold for me, if you meet somebody you like, go for it."

 

Ouch. I've gotten one of these.

 

Dating causally in hopes of working it out. I'm lost. How can two people focus on working thru things together when their attention is being diverted by dating others?

 

You know better than to keep up this facade. You know you can't date casually and have expectations that you're pretending aren't there. You're just abiding by his terms in hopes of getting what you want.

 

If someone told me he's perfectly fine with losing me to someone else, that would clearly show me what I mean to them.

If someone told me he's perfectly fine with losing me to someone else, then I'd be well on my way to finding that someone else.

 

It's not that hard to figure this out. It's not complicated. His words are pretty straightforward.

Edited by geegirl
Posted
Ouch. I've gotten one of these.

 

Dating causally in hopes of working it out. I'm lost. How can two people focus on working thru things together when their attention is being diverted by dating others?

 

You know better than to keep up this facade. You know you can't date casually and have expectations that you're pretending aren't there. You're just abiding by his terms in hopes of getting what you want.

 

If someone told me he's perfectly fine with losing me to someone else, that would clearly show me what I mean to them.

If someone told me he's perfectly fine with losing me to someone else, then I'd be well on my way to finding that someone else.

 

It's not that hard to figure this out. It's not complicated. His words are pretty straightforward.

 

Geegirl, I think you are an amazing poster (you know that), but sometimes you are far too black and white in your views. I have said that to two women before "that she should see other guys, if the opportunity came". It broke my heart to say those words. With one girl I loved her (still do) but I knew I wasn't making her happy and I knew in my heart that wasn't going to change anytime soon. She reacted like you did, instead of noticing how unselfish my act was and reading between the lines..

 

Another time I said it to a woman who stated clearly "she didn't trust me, didn't respect me, thought I was a manipulator and a liar". In hindsight I should have just told her those are reasons I want to move on, but in fairness my communication sucked at the time.

 

Don't always focus on words geegirl. There is sometimes so much more going on in the background, but the guy hasn't a clue how to express himself properly. I do agree with you, that the OP needs to move on. No person should put their lives on hold until their partner resolves their issues. I mean who knows how long that will take.

 

Until he sorts out his communication issues and what ever other issues he has, I think the OP should move on with her life. There are times though, that is the last thing the dumper wants. He just knows he has personal problems and wants the woman he loves to be happy. Even if he doesn't get to wake up with her..Some people can read between the lines and gain acceptance of that fact, some black and white people just focus on the words said and not the reasoning behind them.

 

OP DarkPhoenix is right. Give him space but don't wait for him and live your life. If it is meant to be, you will find your way back to each other.

Posted (edited)
Geegirl, I think you are an amazing poster (you know that), but sometimes you are far too black and white in your views. I have said that to two women before "that she should see other guys, if the opportunity came". It broke my heart to say those words. With one girl I loved her (still do) but I knew I wasn't making her happy and I knew in my heart that wasn't going to change anytime soon. She reacted like you did, instead of noticing how unselfish my act was and reading between the lines..

 

Another time I said it to a woman who stated clearly "she didn't trust me, didn't respect me, thought I was a manipulator and a liar". In hindsight I should have just told her those are reasons I want to move on, but in fairness my communication sucked at the time.

 

Don't always focus on words geegirl. There is sometimes so much more going on in the background, but the guy hasn't a clue how to express himself properly. I do agree with you, that the OP needs to move on. No person should put their lives on hold until their partner resolves their issues. I mean who knows how long that will take.

 

Until he sorts out his communication issues and what ever other issues he has, I think the OP should move on with her life. There are times though, that is the last thing the dumper wants. He just knows he has personal problems and wants the woman he loves to be happy. Even if he doesn't get to wake up with her..Some people can read between the lines and gain acceptance of that fact, some black and white people just focus on the words said and not the reasoning behind them.

 

OP DarkPhoenix is right. Give him space but don't wait for him and live your life. If it is meant to be, you will find your way back to each other.

 

Your intent in saying those words were of the opposite motive. I can hardly say the same for this guy seeing that when she was not available, he declared undying love and when she was available his love was shallow enough to throw her to the wolves. That's not love. That's just game playing.

 

In any case, it still hurts like a bitch to hear those words, regardless of the intent.

 

I'm sure Wilson aka Dark Phoenix will be right behind you with your analysis of me. In any case, my opinion and I am standing by it!

Edited by geegirl
Posted (edited)
Your intent in saying those words were of the opposite motive. I can hardly say the same for this guy seeing that when she was not available, he declared undying love and when she was available his love was shallow enough to throw her to the wolves. That's not love. That's just game playing.

 

In any case, it still hurts like a bitch to hear those words, regardless of the intent.

 

I'm sure Wilson aka Dark Phoenix will be right behind you with your analysis of me. In any case, my opinion and I am standing by it!

 

He is not game playing. He has other issues but he is not a gameplayer, but that is just my opinion. I agree Geegirl those words hurt like hell and the OP deserves a man who never utters those words to her (no matter how noble or unnoble the sentiment behind those words might be)..Hopefully this guy will learn from his mistakes and get himself to a place where he never repeats those girls to a woman, because those words are words no partner ever wants to hear..

Edited by Mack05
Posted
He is not game playing. He has other issues but he is not a gameplayer but that is just my opinion. I agree Geegirl those words hurt like hell and the OP deserves a man who never utters those words to her (no matter how noble or unnoble those words might be)..Hopefully this guy will learn from his mistakes and get himself to a place where he never repeats those girls to a woman, because those words are words no partner ever wants to hear..

 

Of course! You know him and can undeniably state he is not a game player but he just has issues, therefore, I am wrong in my views. If you're projecting, then take this off the forum and you know what I mean. I am not hijacking this thread.

Posted
Geegirl, I have said that to two women before "that she should see other guys, if the opportunity came". It broke my heart to say those words. With one girl I loved her (still do) but I knew I wasn't making her happy and I knew in my heart that wasn't going to change anytime soon. She reacted like you did, instead of noticing how unselfish my act was and reading between the lines..

 

 

Mack05. What I wonder, is what men who say these things, expect from women as a reaction? How is she supposed to know that you still love her and it's "breaking your heart" to say this? And if it is, why exactly are you doing it? and what lines is she supposed to read between?

You say you still love this woman, but can't make her happy in a relationship. So you broke-up. What does she need to do in order to see what an "unselfish" act this was? Forgive you for hurting her? Move-on? What exactly?

 

Really think about what the ideal response is that you would like, and tell me.

 

I'm not saying that all dumpers don't hurt because of a break-up, and of course there are reasons the relationship just is not working.... but come-on... You may have reached the place where you can see that it's not worth fighting to save and maybe they haven't yet. You say move on, go get it somewhere else, and you expect them to go, "Oh thanks! how kind of you!!" WTF?

Posted (edited)
Mack05. What I wonder, is what men who say these things, expect from women as a reaction? How is she supposed to know that you still love her and it's "breaking your heart" to say this? And if it is, why exactly are you doing it? and what lines is she supposed to read between?

You say you still love this woman, but can't make her happy in a relationship. So you broke-up. What does she need to do in order to see what an "unselfish" act this was? Forgive you for hurting her? Move-on? What exactly?

 

Really think about what the ideal response is that you would like, and tell me.

 

I'm not saying that all dumpers don't hurt because of a break-up, and of course there are reasons the relationship just is not working.... but come-on... You may have reached the place where you can see that it's not worth fighting to save and maybe they haven't yet. You say move on, go get it somewhere else, and you expect them to go, "Oh thanks! how kind of you!!" WTF?

 

This is a good post and I see the point you and geegirl are making. I really do. The biggest problem I have had in relationships millonto1 is simply just telling someone everything I am feeling inside. My communication is horrible and many people have the same problem. I think personally speaking, that I was scared of letting someone in and showing them all the bad sides of me, so it was easier to push them away. My last ex was an amazing woman and I so sure if I showed her all the bad bits, she would go. I know how immature that is, but I was riddled with insecurities, low self esteem and self doubt. She reacted angerily to my behaviours and like the OP was very confused and hurt by my pull - push behaviour. That is why I left..I was making her miserable, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

 

I am just saying Millionto1 there can be things going on behind the words (the only point I want to make as you and geegirl are right). Either way he is not ready for a relationship, like me..In future I will just be me and hope that is enough..I believe in time it will be more than enough, but only after I have put in the hard work on myself. I have moved to southern Europe and I did it on my own, to try resolve my personal problems. Drastic but very necessary..It's a lonely life but i feel better even though I am only a week here. I never want to hurt a woman again and like everyone on LS I really want happiness..Whether that is on my own or with someone else time will tell..

 

Good post...

Edited by Mack05
Posted
The biggest problem I have had in relationships millonto1 is simply just telling someone everything I am feeling inside. My communication is horrible and many people have the same problem. I think personally speaking, that I was scared of letting someone in and showing them all the bad sides of me, so it was easier to push them away. My last ex was an amazing woman and I so sure if I showed her all the bad bits, she would go. I know how immature that is, but I was riddled with insecurities, low self esteem and self doubt. She reacted angerily to my behaviours and like the OP was very confused and hurt by my pull - push behaviour. That is why I left..I was making her miserable, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

 

 

I get what you are saying.... but the above is a cop out. Saying that someone would walk away from you because of your "bad bits" is stupid. You didn't even give them a chance to, you just left out of fear. And then expect them to see you as the victim?

 

Maybe YOU should see the her reactions of anger are just as stupid as your reactions of fear.

 

My Ex left me for the EXACT same reason. I felt utterly powerless and abandoned. I had to go N/C and yes I was angry. I said things I regret because I was hurting. We aren't perfect beings who act perfect all the time.

 

Healing takes time... and you are taking the time to heal in your way.. and maybe being angry at you is part her way.

Posted
I get what you are saying.... but the above is a cop out. Saying that someone would walk away from you because of your "bad bits" is stupid. You didn't even give them a chance to, you just left out of fear. And then expect them to see you as the victim?

 

Maybe YOU should see the her reactions of anger are just as stupid as your reactions of fear.

 

My Ex left me for the EXACT same reason. I felt utterly powerless and abandoned. I had to go N/C and yes I was angry. I said things I regret because I was hurting. We aren't perfect beings who act perfect all the time.

 

Healing takes time... and you are taking the time to heal in your way.. and maybe being angry at you is part her way.

 

Again, I find that I can't argue with you here. The key thing for me is to learn from my mistakes, which I haven't previously. My communiction has always been woeful and I'm slowly figuring out why. I see exactly where her (my ex) anger and frustration is coming from..But its not nice being called some of the things she has called me.

 

I figured out one thing from Therapy. Until I am really proud of myself and who I am, then I can't be with anyone. Not only that I need to show them me, all of me and then let them decide if I am a man they want to be with. I think when you get your self belief back, if someone leaves you then you can say her loss and actually really mean it.

 

Your cop out comment is spot on and I moved here so I would never live my life in fear again..I'm sorry your ex hurt you..Let's just hope there are guys out there for you, that won't make the same mistakes as myself, your ex and the OP's ex.

Posted
Let's just hope there are guys out there for you, that won't make the same mistakes as myself, your ex and the OP's ex.

 

Amen.

 

So with that in mind.... I hope the OP takes the advice of Geegirl, myself and the other posters that say...

 

PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION.

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