razz90 Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 So met this guy online, we met up twice, for coffee, then a hike/movie and got on well, we had some unusual stuff in common and he seemed like a really sweet guy. So for our third date, i invited him round to my house to chill, since I had a free house. However this date, some things seemed off. First of all I noticed he seemed to diss me alot (a playful banterous way, not a mean way or anything..). He says I'm always complaining. Which wouldn't bother me much except he said it A LOT. In fact when we were watching friends, I took a deep breath in, and he looked at me, and I was like "what?" and he goes "oh, i thought you were going to go and complain about something".. This got kinda annoying. Second of all, he bites sometimes when he kisses which i HATE. What's sexy about someone making your lips hurt?? He also sometimes sqeezes me so tight it hurts. So anyway, our date was kinda awkward, he gave a massage (which was really good) and was stroking/kising me, but i just sort of lay there like a dead fish cuz I wasn't feeling anything. In the end when things started to get a lil steamy, I stopped him, and said my brother was coming home soon and I was going out later, so he had to go. Later he texted me saying he enjoyed my company and thanked me for inviting him over. He seemed to know something was up because he said "are you sure you're good?" Anyway. Things seemed to be going so well, and I really wanted this to work. I dunno if I'm overreacting about his playful banter/annoying biting. Should this be a dealbreaker? Is it something I could talk to him about so he knows how I feel? Hmmm. Also, he lent me a book so we are seeing each other soon as he needs it back. I kind of don;t know what to do. If it still feels off, how do I let him know without being a bitch? I don't want to act like everything is ok then just ignore him/make excuses if he wants to meet up again..
ditzchic Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 Sounds like you guys just aren't compatible. You've only been out a couple of times so this is him trying to be not annoying. The longer you keep dating him the more annoying habits are going to come out. At least you found out quick!
veggirl Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 Yeah well when you meet up to return his book, just make it a short meet. Make sure you have plans for something else afterwards, and that he knows that in advance. Let him know then that it isn't going to work. After so few dates, I wouldn't bother with someone who I already found to be annoying. He sounds totally obnoxious.
CarrieT Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 Second of all, he bites sometimes when he kisses which i HATE. What's sexy about someone making your lips hurt?? He also sometimes sqeezes me so tight it hurts. He might be a closet Dom, testing out your willingness to sub... A lot of Doms dating in the vanilla world test out potentials by pushing in that direction. Personally, I would love it and find it totally hot but it is obviously not your thing.
Ross MwcFan Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 I don't think you're over reacting. I'd find someone like that annoying too.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 You should talk to him about it. Let him know it annoys you. It's possible he's unaware it's annoying you.
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 You should talk to him about it. Let him know it annoys you. It's possible he's unaware it's annoying you. They've been out three times. I don't really think a talk is warranted. If she is getting this annoyed this early more stuff is going to come out that annoys her later. Their personalities just aren't compatible.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 They've been out three times. I don't really think a talk is warranted. If she is getting this annoyed this early more stuff is going to come out that annoys her later. Their personalities just aren't compatible. Talk is always warranted. Even if she doesn't see him again, she should address these problems so he knows women don't care for these things. That way, if he's not an *******, he can change his behavior for other women he meets.
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 Talk is always warranted. Even if she doesn't see him again, she should address these problems so he knows women don't care for these things. That way, if he's not an *******, he can change his behavior for other women he meets. It's not her job to make him more dateable for other women. And if anything, that'll just give him a reason to write her off as an upptiy b*tch who's too picky and not really learn his lesson. We've all been there. It happens. You know it does
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 It's not her job to make him more dateable for other women. And if anything, that'll just give him a reason to write her off as an upptiy b*tch who's too picky and not really learn his lesson. We've all been there. It happens. You know it does So showing him the right way to act around women is a waste of time? But passive-aggressively dumping him without telling him why is better? If she just dumps him like that he probably will become a bitter woman-hater and we know the world doesn't need any more bitter people. If she tells him his mistakes and he refuses to listen then that's his problem, not her's.
Emilia Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 How old is he? He sounds inexperienced. I think he doesn't realise he is annoying you, he probably thinks he is teasing rather than dissing.
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 So showing him the right way to act around women is a waste of time? But passive-aggressively dumping him without telling him why is better? If she just dumps him like that he probably will become a bitter woman-hater and we know the world doesn't need any more bitter people. If she tells him his mistakes and he refuses to listen then that's his problem, not her's. I just don't agree with this. If they were seriously dating I say a talk is owed. A couple of casual dates that she just wasn't feeling does not warrant a talk. Just telling him she doesn't wish to continue is enough. They barely know each other. She doesn't really have the right to tell him what he needs to change to be successful with women. What she finds annoying another woman might find endearing. There's no reason to change or fix someone that she just isn't interested in. Just let the boy live his life and wish him the best of luck. If he learns how to communicate with women better, great. If not, maybe he can land someone more tolerant of that behavior or with an equally annoying personality.
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 How old is he? He sounds inexperienced. I think he doesn't realise he is annoying you, he probably thinks he is teasing rather than dissing. This is a problem in itself. The only thing worse than an annoying guy is a guy that doesn't know it. Being "quirky" isn't a deal breaker for me. Not picking up on social cues when it's time to stop and put your big boy pants on is.
Emilia Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 This is a problem in itself. The only thing worse than an annoying guy is a guy that doesn't know it. Being "quirky" isn't a deal breaker for me. Not picking up on social cues when it's time to stop and put your big boy pants on is. How does he know if you don't tell him? I tell a guy if he annoys me and he either deals with that and modifies his behaviour or we go separate ways. Everyone annoys everyone at some point just in different ways. Boys can be more boisterous especially when they are young, no big deal really.
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 How does he know if you don't tell him? I tell a guy if he annoys me and he either deals with that and modifies his behaviour or we go separate ways. Everyone annoys everyone at some point just in different ways. Boys can be more boisterous especially when they are young, no big deal really. I guess it's because I'm not that young. I'm 29 and date guys around my own age. They should know by then how to behave. If they don't, it's a big red flag to me. I'm past the age of training them.
Emilia Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 I guess it's because I'm not that young. I'm 29 and date guys around my own age. They should know by then how to behave. If they don't, it's a big red flag to me. I'm past the age of training them. Yes it definitely depends on age. None of us can get away with what a 22 year-old can. I find some of the sillier traits in younger men entertaining because I know that stage will pass quickly and growing up is a little bit of a shame in a way.
TigerCub Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 Hey Razz, So...Do you complain a lot?? Honestly, yes, him pointing it out a lot and not letting it go is annoying, but its something that you can just say to him "Yeah buddy, enough with the criticism, you complaining about my complaining, makes you just as big a complainer as you think I am..." Now as far as the kissing - I like a little nibble on the lip, but I guess its not the same for everyone. If you want someone to kiss you the way you like - you can do that, just tell them what you like when you're kissing, show them how you like it - and believe me, guys love to learn and will happily work to get you hot. - so that's not really a deal breaker either. Everyone here is saying "well after 3 dates it sucked so pack it in and give up" - but it doesn't seem like it was 3 bad dates, it seems like you had 2 good dates and then he acted weird. If you like this guy, don't be so quick calling everything he does a dealbreaker, because those 2 things you mentioned could easily be addressed - BUT if he doesn't change those things after, then fine, you should be happy and find someone better. I think more people need to have guts and address issues rather than being passive aggressive and dumping people without giving a reason why. Again, I'm not saying that's what you're doing, and its your life, do what makes ya happy, but from what you said, he doesn't seem so bad, maybe a little annoying with the complaining stuff, but see if that changes if you bring it up.
KathyM Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 I'd say he sounds passive-aggressive if he likes to be disrespectful to you with his "banter". I know a married couple like this where the husband is always putting down or criticizing his wife in a passive-aggressive way, and when she objects, he claims he was just kidding, can't you take a joke, etc. Not a good partner to get involved with. The guy has an attitude that he must be one up on you, so he'll make sure you are put one down from him, and he'll keep doing it because it satisfies his ego in some way. I'd suggest you end it. This guy has issues and doesn't make for a good partner in the long run.
Star Gazer Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 It's not her job to make him more dateable for other women. And if anything, that'll just give him a reason to write her off as an upptiy b*tch who's too picky and not really learn his lesson. We've all been there. It happens. You know it does So showing him the right way to act around women is a waste of time? But passive-aggressively dumping him without telling him why is better? If she just dumps him like that he probably will become a bitter woman-hater and we know the world doesn't need any more bitter people. If she tells him his mistakes and he refuses to listen then that's his problem, not her's. I'm kinda split down the middle on this one. Normally, if I dated someone a couple times, I wouldn't give details, I'd just say we're incompatible. I usually say that we're incompatible when I'm just not attracted to them or just find their personality intolerable. In that case, why give details? But IF the problem is his behavior, I'm growing more accustomed to saying, "I don't think we're compatible because..." The last guy I said this to didn't realize what he was doing or why it ("it" in this case being talking about his ex a lot) was bothering me, and shaped up real quick. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and I wasn't interested anymore. But now he knows better or at least is more cognizant of it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 I do think it's a valid question: DO you complain a lot? I agree that it's not cool that he teases you about it repeatedly, but I would take a look at that if I were you. I don't think it would be passive aggressive of you to tell him you want to stop seeing him because you feel you're not compatible. But … it sounds like you DO want to keep seeing him. If you do, then a talk about the teasing and about the possibility that you are a complainer are in order. It's likely that he might be equally annoyed with you. The kissing style and squeezing - well, if people want to be together, both of them need to try to adjust things like making out so that it "works." If this doesn't work, then maybe the two of you are not compatible sexually. But … you did say that the massage was good (and it was nice of him to do it, too) and that it did get "hot," so there might be hope there. Bottom line is, if you DO want to try for more with this guy, more communication is in order.
Author razz90 Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 wow, so many replies! Ok, well I am 21 and the guy in question is 23 (i think!). He is also a student. He's told me he;s had girlfriends before, so it's not like he has no experience with women, and I guess it shows some women probably are ok with his annoying habits. I honestly don't complain THAT much! lol. But i do complain in a jokey way sometimes, so he goes on about it in a jokey way too. (much more than my complainin though). Also, in addition to biting when kissing, and sqeezing me, I remember a couple times when he'd pinch me when I said something silly or stupid *shudder* Also, come to think of it, I HAVE actually told him how I feel. Like the couple of times when he sqeezed me too hard and put me in a headlock (yes, seriousely..!!) I was like "you're so abusive" and he goes "u know you love it". And on skype he was saying stuff and I was like "oiii" and again he'd repeat "i know you love it really", and I'd say "no, really, i don;t", but he wouldn't believe me. He probably thought I was just joking. But seriousely, i haven't given him any indication I like it, yet he still thinks I love it?! Wierd... We were talking about giving him the book back and he seemed a bit distant. He asked when I was free and said he really just wanted the book back, so it seems he isn;'t really interested in me after that awkward date. Maybe I'll just let it fizzle out naturally?
ditzchic Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 And on skype he was saying stuff and I was like "oiii" and again he'd repeat "i know you love it really", and I'd say "no, really, i don;t", but he wouldn't believe me. He probably thought I was just joking. But seriousely, i haven't given him any indication I like it, yet he still thinks I love it?! Wierd... This definitely makes me agree with the poster that said he seems passive aggressive and like he needs to be one up on you. He doesn't care what you like even when you outright tell him. He just wants to be Mr. Funny guy and thinks you should just deal with it. Definitely let this one fizzle out. He has a lot of growing up to do.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 Yeah, I was a dumbass at 23 too (I'm 27 now, practically an old man). I never went around biting lips like some sort of vampire, but I did put down women. I read way too into those pickup artist sites that said a cocky jerk was attractive to women. But I came off as an ******* without being funny. I tried to act way too macho and that was off-putting for many women. It took me a while to realize all you need to do is be funny with women. Being a jerk is only necessary with pushover women with no self-esteem. That being said, you can do like ditzchic and just leave without a word. Or you can talk to him, and then decide if you wanna leave.
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