Another chance??

[leoc1973]

Flow I am glad I can help a little and make you laugh a little. Its just like wilson said. He is not doing it to you with any malice he just simply doesn't get it. He is young and with males the consiquence part of the brain still isn't developed(google it) Thats why you hear older guys telling stories of all the crazy stuff that they did when they were younger. He is losing you and doesn't even realize it.

 

Should you wait around forever? NO! Its not fair to you. If you get him to come back to you at this stage its gonna suck. Me and my first real long term girlfriend broke up and got back together like 5 times. I would be doing all the stuff he is doing, she would dump me, I wouldn't really care till she started seeing someone new and I would run back to her beg her tell her it will never happen again and 4 or 5 months later it was the same cycle all over. Its funny that right around 25 years old is when she met her now husband. I probably was ready then half because lots of my friends were getting married and having kids and half becuase I just got sick of drinking my face off. But I had lost her. I still think of her to this day. I compare every other woman I have ever been with to her.

 

She was literally the hottest woman in any room. She was funny. she was totally that girl next door that guys love oh and now she is a part time professor at harvard while she works for Phiser researching new drugs. She was the one that got away times 100 but at the time I didn't know it. When I came to my senses I would have taken her back at probably any point for the next 5 years.

 

I think my only advice to you is start dating and know in your mind that one day you will probably have a second chance with him but if you find someone better then you can have options. Trust me I am assuming you are a very attractive girl so there will always be good looking funny smart great guys who are great in bed or whatever the heck is holding you to him out there!! Think of it as a hall pass to go look for someone better and down the road you may have a second chance with him.

 

Oh and trust me if I could have taken my own advice back when my ex broke up with me I would have had her back long ago. I made all the mistakes(well never begged) I asked her like a little puppy if she might want to get coffee or even go on a date(huge mistake) talked to her friends and family(huge mistake) wrote her letters expressing all her great qualities and how I would be different(huge mistake) OH and I told her I loved her(the hugest of huge mistakes)

 

wilson and smokey from this site told me she was in gigs and she would be back right when I was moving on. They said she would be back at around a year later and I never believed it in a million years. She told me right out she doesn't love me like that she told me to move on and find someone new that her and I were done foever. Well about a month ago(month 9 from breakup) I met someone new whom I am crazy about and guess who is calling/texting/emailing me every day?

 

Its always easier said than done and almost all of us on here have been there. MY biggest enemy was that panick feeling like if I don't get her back right now she is going to fall in love with someone else. It doesn't work like that so don't feel like time is against you. Think of it this way you are feeling so much hurt because of your loss of him he doesn't feel it because he hasn't lost anything. He can come back any time he wants. He needs to start to feel that loss before he wants you back. Trust me start dating other guys but have respect for yourself. You don't want him to view you in a poor manner. Do you ever see him? Bump into him? When do you talk to him?

[leoc1973]

oh and to clarify I was talking about 2 different girls the one in the beginning was the one when I was younger the other one is the most recent ex.

[flow15]

Thanks again leo.. well the thing is I don't think he will come back again, I think my behaviour pushed him away for good. I was acting so desperate, because I was afraid he was going to disappear and hurt me again! And it just pushed him away, so we are not talking at the moment- haven't spoken in 2 weeks, and last time we spoke was an argument where I was trying to get him to meet up with me so we could sort things out but he didn't want to as he said we had argued so couldn't do this anymore.

 

And I won't bump into him unfortunately as he lives an hour away... he will be moving to my city in a few months time but its so big it would be a huuuge coincidence if we do bump into eachother. So he can't really see me being happy, moving on etc.

 

That's why i just wanted to send him an email, so he knew why i acted the way i did and why we argued. Because I don't have any other opportunity to do it. But at the same time I want him to come to me first before I say that- although I know you said bad idea to do that. But I don't know how else to stop him thinking I'm some kind of psycho!

 

This was the first time in a year where he actually said the words that he missed me and wanted to try again and I blew it! I blew it because I was scared he was going to disappear again and I kept pushing him to see me! He does view me in a poor manner already and I don't know how to change that! He's not going to feel like he's lost anything

Edited March 25, 2012 by flow15

[flow15]

I feel you on this whole thing, but to me, someone who takes this long, and is on and on, and isn't sure, and is scared.... feels smothered, I don't know why you haven't gotten so irritated enough to just say to him "THIS IS ENOUGH!!"

 

You totally deserve someone who KNOWS THEY WANT YOU. I get that in relationships we need to take a break at some points so we can take a step back, think about things and then try to move forward, but this seems like it's been dragged on a long time, and I think you'd be due for me.

 

I hope that you will be able to get past this quickly, and you know what???? I hope you get back out there, when you're ready, and find the guy who is going to love you, adore you, and CONFIDENTLY spend his time with you, securely!!!

 

I wish you the best also. *hug*

 

Flowers trust me I have said to him this is enough countless of times! This last time we were going to try again, i said to him this is our last opportunity, we either try again or we move on and cut contact for good. But when we were giving it another go, i just felt he wasn't making much effort considering we said it was our last chance, so I pushed him which then made him run away!

 

So you see its difficult to walk away, when I was so close to having him back, I was falling for him again and then lost him again!

 

I wish I could just cut off my feelings for him and meet someone else, but my heart lies with him and no one else compares to him unfortunately....

[happyme]

Hiya Flow, I too understand your feelings on the situation. Re sending that email, this is my take on it:

 

You feel you caused him to leave again, pushed him away with your behaviour. Well, he has issues and he has told you about them, not in so many words but with his behaviour. Your email will be seen by him as more words, more contact, more pressure. The content is secondary and will not mean anything to him, yet you sending him the email is more of that which he is running from. The way you can show him properly that you understand is by doing just that: understand. He will be grateful for that and if anything it will be your understanding which draws him to you.

 

It is perfectly possible you are correct in your analysis of his feelings for you, but he needs space and time, not more pressure. Emailing him is action and actions speak louder than words, important to remember this.

 

Wishing you all the very best

[leoc1973]

Flow, He actually came back and wanted a second chance! Yes you did get a little crazy but love allows people to overlook almost anything. I am telling you to leave this guy alone and he will come back looking for you again. Soon as he thinks you are moving on. I would be completely shocked if he doesn't.

 

Right now he is rationalizing to himself how much he cares for you vs how needy you are. Show him you are NOT needy by not emailing him. Men are visual creatures and women are emotional. You are thinking with your heart and feeling like his heart is slipping away all kinds of emotions going on. Meanwhile here is how a guys mind works. "wow she hasn't called me or emailed or texted, What the hell is going on... did she meet someone new?" and then our minds jump right to the worst of the worst. We visualize you naked with another guy on top of you and doing all the things we used to do to you and thats when we freak out! Then our friends will bring you up and say hey have you heard from "FLOW" she must be banging someone new. guys can't handle that. Especially if he was just talking to you about reconciliation, he is still in love with you. Just leave him alone and give his mind some time to drive him nuts.

[flow15]

So its been just over 2 months since I went NC, I haven't made any contact. He contacted me about a month in sending me a song, but I just said thanks in reply. And since then, nothing else!

 

Now that I've had time to think, I feel like I need to talk to him/have a go at him, say something like how could he tell me that he wanted me in his life, tell me he missed me, make me believe he wanted this, yet disappear again! (this is probably at least the third time he has done this) I know its stupid of me to keep taking him back, but I never thought he would do this to me again! I know it wasn't entirely his fault, I behaved irrationally, I behaved needy/desperate as I could feel I was losing him again, but I just didn't want to get hurt again.

 

I really feel that I need to show him that what he did wasn't ok, that he can't treat me that way and that he really hurt me.

 

How can I communicate this across to him, without showing that I'm bitter/holding on to anger/pain for the past 2 months??

[jennisfora]

you need to stay away from this guy. he will keep doing what he has been doing. what's the definition of insanity again? doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

 

let the silence grow, if you feel the urge to write scathing letters, post them on the thread for post here instead of contact your ex, it will make you feel better, and save you the pain of no reply or constant rejection that you will get if you actually reach out to him. *hugs*

[wilsonx]

you need to stay away from this guy. he will keep doing what he has been doing. what's the definition of insanity again? doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

 

 

haha, a coworker googled this definition the other day and came up with the word insanity for me.

 

love makes people do crazy things.

[flow15]

I'm not saying I'm going to go back to him though. He hasn't even asked for me back!

I guess I just have some things I have to say to him, I really need to have a go at him for treating me this way!

[jennisfora]

it won't turn out how you would like. he isn't going to take it well, or want to hear it. do what you feel you have to, and good luck. *hugs*

[flow15]

haha, a coworker googled this definition the other day and came up with the word insanity for me.

 

love makes people do crazy things.

 

Wilson, back in March you told me to wait for him and be patient, if I chose to, as he has GIGS.

 

So, I'm not going to email him having a go at him as I don't want to pressure him. But should I wait to see if he contacts at all (he contacted me a month ago sending a song, but thats it, another month has passed now and nothing). Or should I intiate contact? A part of me wants to have a go at him, as I said before, but I decided not to...Another part of me wants to apologise for pushing him so much last time. What do you advise?

 

Ok, he has gigs. Typical rules dont apply

 

You have 2 choices

 

1) Walk away, go NC and move on

2) BE VERY VERY VERY PATIENT AND NON PUSHY. You can not pressure someone in gigs at all. He is going to be wishy washy for months. This is something you are going to have to understand. He said take things slow, listen to him. Everyone is quick to kick him in the fire but no one listens and everyone is only worried about their selves. He is going to have bits of anger and emotions come out of no where that he doesnt understand. He's going to feel pain that he has never felt before. He's going to be irritable. He's going to mentally bounce to wanting to be with you, to not wanting to be with you. As time progresses, those bounces are going to be longer in length.

 

This isnt a game. This isn't dating. This is him coming back to reality. He's lost confused trying to figure his way back into things. It's your choice to be there for him or to move on.