Another chance??

March 21, 2012

i don't see how you made an unreasonable statement in asking him the bolded statement above. so if he's ducking out on you because of that then - - worldgonewrong is right - - he is being a jerk.

he shouldn't have said he wanted to work on things with you if he a.) already had a lot going on in his life and b.) isn't willing to make the time to contact/see you. even if it's just a text or an email.

i'd be curious to know if this all he had all this stuff going on at the time he wanted to reconcile. if that's the case it probably got him thinking about the good times he had with you and he wanted to escape into them again. once the reality hit him that you are not an escape but a real person with needs and feelings, then he bailed.

there's is nothing for you to fix. HE's the one who went AWOL. HE needs to fix it.

Thanks for the replies everyone!

Worldgonewrong- I wish it could be so easy to meet someone else when my heart lies with this guy...

Mary Jane- its interesting how similar your situation is to mine- I just don't want to reach 6 weeks and he hasnt made contact yet! This is exactly what happend last time and he contacted a couple months later apologising... I didn't want this to happen again!!

Radiodarcy- Well he got angry because he's been really busy and so had reasons why he couldn't meet up with me... We ended up arguing, and I said to him that we have to see eachother in order to fix this, cos its already hard enough having to do this long distance... and he said its not a good idea as we have argued and he didn't want this if we are arguing already.

I thought I had good reason to be upset, but I know I was being a little irrational as I am sensitive with this whole situation as he disappeared last time and I didn't think it would happen again!

I think we were unlucky with timing, all of these things happened literally just after we met up. I think I pushed him away by appearing desperate though. urgh

Edited March 21, 2012 by flow15

March 21, 2012

If he ditches your relationship so easily and you keep trying to get it back, he will know he can threaten to leave and you will still be there. He knows he can come and go in this relationship at will. He knows he can't lose you, so he has nothing to lose. Relationships take work, but this isn't the type of work it should take. You will be walking on egg shells to not upset him all the time. Be afraid to say anything if something he does bugs you, for fear that he will unplug the relationship and go home.

If he really wanted it to work, he wouldn't be willing to give up like this. How someone deals with adversity is important in a relationship. There will be hardships and trials and tribulations. It isn't all walks in the park. If he can't handle life's challenges, he isn't going to stick with you through them. Maybe someday he will be able to, but not necessarily with you. I don't think he feels he can lose you, and that's a recipe for being taken advantage of, or at the very least being taken for granted. You need to be able to share concerns without him bailing otherwise, it isn't a real relationship. It takes two people to want it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. *hugs*

March 21, 2012

If he ditches your relationship so easily and you keep trying to get it back, he will know he can threaten to leave and you will still be there. He knows he can come and go in this relationship at will. He knows he can't lose you, so he has nothing to lose. Relationships take work, but this isn't the type of work it should take. You will be walking on egg shells to not upset him all the time. Be afraid to say anything if something he does bugs you, for fear that he will unplug the relationship and go home.

If he really wanted it to work, he wouldn't be willing to give up like this. How someone deals with adversity is important in a relationship. There will be hardships and trials and tribulations. It isn't all walks in the park. If he can't handle life's challenges, he isn't going to stick with you through them. Maybe someday he will be able to, but not necessarily with you. I don't think he feels he can lose you, and that's a recipe for being taken advantage of, or at the very least being taken for granted. You need to be able to share concerns without him bailing otherwise, it isn't a real relationship. It takes two people to want it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. *hugs*

Wow great eye-opening post jennisfora. What do you think I should do? Disappear and give him a taste of what its like to lose me??

I do this every time though, I go nc for a few months and then he comes back, and i take him back... i dont think hel come back again though- its happened too many times now.

March 21, 2012

Wow great eye-opening post jennisfora. What do you think I should do? Disappear and give him a taste of what its like to lose me??

I do this every time though, I go nc for a few months and then he comes back, and i take him back... i dont think hel come back again though- its happened too many times now.

It probably doesn't matter what you do. So just now after 6 weeks of silence he sent me a text to ask if it's going any better! I'm so sick of this nonsense, there really does come a point of total disappointment

March 21, 2012

Ok, he has gigs. Typical rules dont apply

You have 2 choices

1) Walk away, go NC and move on

2) BE VERY VERY VERY PATIENT AND NON PUSHY. You can not pressure someone in gigs at all. He is going to be wishy washy for months. This is something you are going to have to understand. He said take things slow, listen to him. Everyone is quick to kick him in the fire but no one listens and everyone is only worried about their selves. He is going to have bits of anger and emotions come out of no where that he doesnt understand. He's going to feel pain that he has never felt before. He's going to be irritable. He's going to mentally bounce to wanting to be with you, to not wanting to be with you. As time progresses, those bounces are going to be longer in length.

This isnt a game. This isn't dating. This is him coming back to reality. He's lost confused trying to figure his way back into things. It's your choice to be there for him or to move on.

March 22, 2012

I don't know what you should do, but try to focus on you, he needs to figure himself out if he has gigs or not. And, I do think any attempt at trying to change his mind right now will come across as pushy. But, I think you should really focus on you.

I read something not too long ago that says basically if you are in someone else's business, and they are in their business, then there is no one minding your business, and therefore you are neglecting yourself, because no one is home. Not sure it is that simple, but I do believe you need to tend your garden so it can grow, before worrying about his. He will tend his, and when you are both in a better place, perhaps you can get somewhere. If it is Gigs though, we may be talking years, as I understand it.

best of luck.

March 22, 2012

Ok, he has gigs. Typical rules dont apply

You have 2 choices

1) Walk away, go NC and move on
2) BE VERY VERY VERY PATIENT AND NON PUSHY. You can not pressure someone in gigs at all. He is going to be wishy washy for months. This is something you are going to have to understand. He said take things slow, listen to him. Everyone is quick to kick him in the fire but no one listens and everyone is only worried about their selves. He is going to have bits of anger and emotions come out of no where that he doesnt understand. He's going to feel pain that he has never felt before. He's going to be irritable. He's going to mentally bounce to wanting to be with you, to not wanting to be with you. As time progresses, those bounces are going to be longer in length.

This isnt a game. This isn't dating. This is him coming back to reality. He's lost confused trying to figure his way back into things. It's your choice to be there for him or to move on.

Wilsonx- So if I were to be patient, do I just wait for him to come to me?

Last time we spoke (2 weeks ago) we argued as I wanted to meet up so we could resolve this and he said he didnt think it was a good idea.

So I can't initiate contact again as its up to him now...

However, I really want to send him an email as I am hurt and I want to say to him that the reason why I acted the way I did (ie. be pushy) is because I was scared he was going to disappear again. And I am hurt that he told me that he wanted to try again, and that he missed me- yet he can walk away after one argument! Surely he never meant what he said- and how can he do that to me again! But maybe it was my own fault- perhaps I shouldn't have gone ahead with trying again if I was scared he could hurt me again, ie. I have to let go of the past fully to be able to go forward with him??

Bad idea?! I don't want to push him away even more- but I think its ridiculous we havent even spoken about this

Edited March 22, 2012 by flow15

March 23, 2012

Ok... i agree with many of you here.... but lets put all apples in 1 basket.

2 options:

1. He is a jerk

2. He has GIGS

but... No 3... no one yet mentioned...

3. "she is older... I can still mess around with other girls...If not now.. then when? she propably wants to be married in a year or so... Why should I... when i can do this and that and everything is so good."

Now the real thing is this: He does a lot of things due to gigs. (no one is borned a jerk. His actions defines him and if you find the cause to his actions you solved the puzzle *gigs) Soooo..... he does lots of things with girls.. but he still has something for you. I wont drag the convo more cause it will be dangerous for you now. Give us some more info about you 2 like:

-How old are you two.

-The exact make up break up dates (and the ones in between)

-describe his personallity. (showoff, serious, funny... etc)

March 23, 2012

This guy still has feel with you, now it's your choice to go for it and take your ex back or just let your ex go. If you want to your ex back I really recommend you to don't be too pushy and don't expect to much from your ex

Are you SUFFERING THE PAIN, because your ex DUMP you? Can You imagine, if you can make your ex BEGGING TO BACK WITH YOU? click here to make it HAPPEN!!

March 23, 2012

Ok... i agree with many of you here.... but lets put all apples in 1 basket.

2 options:

1. He is a jerk
2. He has GIGS

but... No 3... no one yet mentioned...

3. "she is older... I can still mess around with other girls...If not now.. then when? she propably wants to be married in a year or so... Why should I... when i can do this and that and everything is so good."

Now the real thing is this: He does a lot of things due to gigs. (no one is borned a jerk. His actions defines him and if you find the cause to his actions you solved the puzzle *gigs) Soooo..... he does lots of things with girls.. but he still has something for you. I wont drag the convo more cause it will be dangerous for you now. Give us some more info about you 2 like:

-How old are you two.
-The exact make up break up dates (and the ones in between)
-describe his personallity. (showoff, serious, funny... etc)

We are both in our early twenties except hes a couple of years younger than me- but I'm no way near ready for marriage!!! not until I'm 30 at least!

He's not a showoff, he's serious in public- he doesn't like to draw attention to himself (but when he's with his friends he's funny but not in a showoff 'I'm the joker of the group' way), he's extremely good looking (and knows it- as he has said to me before he can get any girl he wants!) But he's not an arrogant jerk otherwise I would never have fallen for him. I know he slept around a lot when we weren't together, but i also know these girls mean nothing to him. He's a bit of a chauvinist, is very very clever.

We broke up properly a year an a half ago... we kept in contact as I wanted him back and a couple of months later he told me he wanted me back as he missed me and loved me, we tried again but a month after said he couldnt do it. So I went no contact, started dating someone else....a few months after bumped into him (just after my fling with this other guy fizzled out), he cried to me told me he still loved me and missed me so much and was so sorry for everything... we kept in contact for a few months then decided to give it yet another go, but once again he got scared and bailed.

So I went no contact again- this time for longer (6 months) he made contact, asking how i was... i wasn't going to reply but a couple of weeks later decided to reply, we started talking again.. slowly started meeting up and ended up seeing eachother for 5 months (but never discussed getting back together) I freaked cos I felt like he could be seeing other girls as we never discussed being officially back together, i was too scared to ask him as i didnt want to scare him away... but he could feel i started freaking out as i was pressuring him and he ran again, this time just disappeared without talking to me.

I went no contact again, a month later he called apologising for hurting me, that i didnt deserve it but he needed his space and i was pressuring him (and this is the reason why he always ended it in the past) but he missed me and really wanted to see me.

So I met up with him (last time i saw him) and we agreed we either give it another go or walk away from eachother for good (none of this back and forth stuff as its really unsettling for me)...

And, it happened again! I could feel him being distant, I gave it a couple of weeks, he wasn't asking to see me so I asked him whats going on, why is he being like last time when we agreed we'd see how things go.. he said he's been rly busy has a lot going on (which is true- but then he shouldn't have said he wanted to see how things go- or at least tell me, i really want to see u but can't as im so busy). we ended up arguing and he said he couldn't do this as we're arguing already!

been no contact for 2 weeks.

March 23, 2012

when I was in my early 20's I went through the same thing. I had a gorgeous super intelligent classy girl and loved her so much. but.. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I could have gotten tons of girls and I didn't even want them all I wanted to do was go out and drink myself silly with my friends. During the day they used to play basketball or football or just hang out but lots of times I had to hang out with my girlfriend. I guess as a young guy there just aren't enough hours in the day to do every thing you wanna do. Who suffers? the girlfriend!!

If I was hanging out with her while all my friends were going out or hanging out then I constantly had in the back of my mind "how the hell do I get out of here so I can go have some fun" She went nuts and I would literally have to listen to her about how she should be the priority.

I hate to tell ya but to a young guy(the consequence part of our brains don't develop till about 25) the girlfriend will never win out over our close friends and the fun we can have with them. It had nothing to do with other women(yes I did like the attention) but I did not want a girlfriend or anyone to answer to.

I felt smothered/suffocated or whatever word you wanna use for it so I pushed her away. Funny thing is I felt relieved when I lost her. I had the time of my life for a while and never even slept with anyone else.

When it hit me is when she met a new guy and stopped calling me. She had gone on tons of dates but it didn't even phase me because I knew she wasn't going anywhere. The one guy who was in medical school at the time he was rich and on a fellowship or something from italy. He wasn't better looking than me or anything like that but i knew she was seriously interested in him.

I actually lost her and she ended up marrying that guy. But at one point i had begged for the girl back that had begged me only a few months earlier.

He is still a young guy and if you wanna keep waiting for him thats your prerogative. Obviously he wants sex but if you feel he is sincere then just dont be blinded or his plan B.

I think if I were you I would keep hanging out with him but at the same time go out on dates with other guys. Hey he said it you guys are not a couple. What will hit him is another guy that he actually sees as a replacement for him. don't pour your heart out to him and keep some secrets he isn't your boyfriend so he doesn't have the right to know everything.

I guess this is gigs. But you are not being put on hold for another girl you are being put on hold for his fun.

March 23, 2012

Thank u Leo for your post. I understand completely, I get that he's young this is his last chance of freedom- he wants to do what he wants. I don't expect him to c me everyday. I work and can only see him weekends, and I don't expect to see him every weekend as I have a life too! I have hobbies and I see my friends!

But I don't get that he can tell me he wants me in his life that he wants to try again, yet doesn't ask to see me. I just want some consistency, and I think I deserve it after everything.

I would b happy to b chilled out and not put pressure on him as long as I kno we r exclusive, bit how could I say that to him?

I mean I don't want anything serious with him now I don't want to wait til I'm 30 and he's ready for a relationship. I just wana have fun with him and have good times now that were young and that I'm in my prime! Lol

Anyway I can't continue hanging out with him as haven't spoken in 2 weeks and don't kno if he will contact. I pushed him away by suffocating him.

Edited March 23, 2012 by flow15

March 23, 2012

Do I send him this email that I mentioned before though?

However, I really want to send him an email as I am hurt and I want to say to him that the reason why I acted the way I did (ie. be pushy) is because I was scared he was going to disappear again. And I am hurt that he told me that he wanted to try again, and that he missed me- yet he can walk away after one argument! Surely he never meant what he said- and how can he do that to me again!
(But maybe it was my own fault- perhaps I shouldn't have gone ahead with trying again if I was scared he could hurt me again, ie. I have to let go of the past fully to be able to go forward with him??)

Bad idea?! I don't want to push him away even more- but I think its ridiculous we havent even spoken about this

March 23, 2012

no pressure

March 23, 2012

no pressure

so do i just wait for him to come to me then?

but he may never do as i 'pressured him' already..which is why i wanted to say to him I acted the way I did (ie. be pushy) because I was scared he was going to disappear again.

March 23, 2012

so do i just wait for him to come to me then?

but he may never do as i 'pressured him' already..which is why i wanted to say to him I acted the way I did (ie. be pushy) because I was scared he was going to disappear again.

Yes to your first question. If you pressured him once this is enough to get your point across (ie. you care). If you keep it up, he'll think you belong in a psychiatric ward. Once is enough...

Just sit back and focus on your life in the same way you were doing before you ever met him.

March 23, 2012

Yes to your first question. If you pressured him once this is enough to get your point across (ie. you care). If you keep it up, he'll think you belong in a psychiatric ward. Once is enough...

Just sit back and focus on your life in the same way you were doing before you ever met him.

Haha he probably already thinks that! (that i belong in psycho ward)

Am i right in thinking that I acted the way i did because of him- he made me feel insecure?

Edited March 23, 2012 by flow15

March 23, 2012

You wont end up in a psycho ward... he doesnt care... he does but he doesnt... its hard to explain

Your own insecurity belongs to you, not him. You have to own this and work on it

March 24, 2012

But do I not have a right to think that because he hurt me and disappeared last time, that he would do it again? I pushed him because I was scares he was going to do it again as his actions weren't matching up to his words (he said he wanted to try again yet I was the one initiating to meet up and when I did hed say he was busy)

March 24, 2012

You wont end up in a psycho ward... he doesnt care... he does but he doesnt... its hard to explain

Your own insecurity belongs to you, not him. You have to own this and work on it

Sometimes Wilson I think you're lost in your Ego but every now and then you touch on something that I would not even try to argue with in a debate.

OP: This quote is the truth as far as I know it.

March 24, 2012

So if he does come back, I don't ask him why he said he wanted to try again but wouldn't even meet up with me? And I don't tell him that I was scared he was going to hurt me again?

How can we even resolve this if I can't talk about how I'm feeling?

And if i can't say why i was acting that way, then he really will think im a psycho if there is no reason why i was pushing him

Edited March 24, 2012 by flow15

March 24, 2012

flow lemme see if I can explain it to you this way. ok lets say you met a couple new friends. You just click with them, you have a blast with them and they are fun and you guys get along so well and have so much in common. Then one day one of them get tickets to go on an all expense paid trip to Europe. You are going to hit all the great cities and eat at all the finest restaurants and see all the great landmarks basically having the time of your life. Only thing is you told someone else that you love very much that you would go to play bingo or take a knitting class or something else that you really don't care to do.

Obviously I am exaggerating but you get what I am saying. You would go with your friends no matter how disappointed the other person would be. Does it mean you love them more? Absolutely not but you would feel like if you didn't do the trip to europe then you would be missing out. You would justify it by saying you would make it up to the other person. Then next week something else great comes up that you can't miss out on so you do it again.

Then finally you do get free time for that bingo or knitting class with that person you care about but now they don't wanna go. They want to talk about why you chose someone else over them, they want to ask you over and over again and make you keep explaining yourself and you feel extremely guilty and then they want you to promise that you will never do something like that again and then they ask a few more times and then they want to try to understand why you did what you did and then talk about it some more.

By the time you were done how would you feel about that person? You would think they might be a little nuts you wouldn't wanna face them you would be thinking "god where are my new friends, they are fun and don't get in my face like this" And funny thing is you might have really enjoyed the bingo or knitting but not you don't wanna go anywhere near it or that person.

Would you want to then get another letter from them explaining that they know they acted a little crazy? anyways, then some time goes by and you say wow i really miss that person lemme go talk to them and try to enjoy their company. You get to their house and within 5 minutes of being there they say," look if you wanna hang out I need to know why you did what you did and I need you to promise that you will never hang out with those friend again"... How suffocated would you feel? How fast would you wanna get out of there?

I know its all a horrible exaggerated analogy but in some senses it really isn't. The feelings are the same and the consequences are the same.

You have to put him in a situation where A. you do not make him pick between you and his friends. B. You don't let him walk all over you. C. You are the fun cool chick that guys love to hang out with because right now he is all about having a good time.

I can say start dating and he will realize he is going to lose you forever and get scared and come running back but it will be temporary. He feels he needs to do this. I would say your best bet is to be more care free. Go out have the time of your life and if he want to tag along and ride your coat tails then try to fit him in. Don't sit around, make plans and make him work around seeing you if he wants to from time to time. He will call and he will chase but you have to make him feel like you are running away.

good luck dear. You sound like a great girl and he sound like me when I was younger(I'm not that old not btw) he's not hurting you intentionally but like wilson said he cares but he doesn't.

March 24, 2012

Thanks leo, your posts are great and really help me to understand the situation.. and actually made me laugh!

I just wish i could go back in time and be more care free when he was still interested!! the thing is, as a person i am care free i am so laid back... but with him i am so scared hes going to keep walking away that i just do crazy things

So i just pretend nothing happened if he does contact again? I don't want him to think he can walk all over me though... leave and come back whenever he wants!

Edited March 24, 2012 by flow15

March 24, 2012

Thanks leo, your posts are great and really help me to understand the situation.. and actually made me laugh!

I just wish i could go back in time and be more care free when he was still interested!! the thing is, as a person i am care free i am so laid back... but with him i am so scared hes going to keep walking away that i just do crazy things

So i just pretend nothing happened if he does contact again? I don't want him to think he can walk all over me though... leave and come back whenever he wants!

This is called the "Bounce" This will happen when/if he comes back. Its purely mental in his head. Its a battle between himself.

March 25, 2012

"I feel like I have a really strong connection with this guy, and even though he has hurt me in the past, I know he is a good person deep down, its just because he is young and inexperienced and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings/emotions. Well this is what I think anyway. I understand where we went wrong in the past, and believe that by just a little effort and communication that we will be able to make it work one day. I truely see us being together again and the fact that he's moving to my city seems even more likely."

YOU understand where WE went wrong in the past. It takes to people to come to that realization and make it work. Not one. YOU realize that with a bit of effort and better communication, it will work ONE DAY. Again, it takes two to want the same hopes and dreams for it to work one day. Hope is a bad thing in your situation.

For your sake, I hope I am wrong.

I feel you on this whole thing, but to me, someone who takes this long, and is on and on, and isn't sure, and is scared.... feels smothered, I don't know why you haven't gotten so irritated enough to just say to him "THIS IS ENOUGH!!"

You totally deserve someone who KNOWS THEY WANT YOU. I get that in relationships we need to take a break at some points so we can take a step back, think about things and then try to move forward, but this seems like it's been dragged on a long time, and I think you'd be due for me.

I hope that you will be able to get past this quickly, and you know what???? I hope you get back out there, when you're ready, and find the guy who is going to love you, adore you, and CONFIDENTLY spend his time with you, securely!!!

I wish you the best also. *hug*

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