Another chance??

[flow15]

So, I recently posted in the coping forum stating that I needed closure from my ex after he disappeared on me in November. He contacted me in December apologising, I forgave him but I still felt like I needed some closure.

I was told that I probably wouldn't get any answers from him and that I just needed to accept it was over.

 

I fully understood that, but I still had this strong urge to talk to him to get answers. So I decided to contact him. I knew he could have ignored me or not given me the answers I needed. But I felt like I had nothing to lose, and that there was no harm in trying.

 

 

I asked him if we could talk as I needed closure and I felt he had got his by my forgiveness, and he said sure. He was very open to talking, and answered everything I wanted to know.

The reason why he disappeared I already knew deep down, but I guess I needed reassurance. Our talk made me feel so much better, like a weight had lifted off my shoulders... and we even had a small joke here and there. I didn't mention about getting back together, and when the conversation ended I thanked him and that was that.

He didn't leave because he met someone else, or because he lost his feelings. He left because he was scared, his friend had told me this at the time, and I already knew it because I know him, but I didn't think it would make him run away.

Hes a couple of years younger than me, and I guess while hes still young he wants to make the most of his freedom.

 

 

Anyway, he called me again tonight telling me that he really wants to see me, but that I shouldn't have any expectations...

I asked him what he meant by that, and said does he think I expect something from him? He said hes not making assumptions, but he just wants me to know not to expect anything from him. I took this to mean, not to expect we will get back together.

But he still told me he really wanted to see me, and even invited me round to stay the night, to which I told him I didn't think that was a good idea... And I said to him I don't understand why he 'really' wants to see me, when he didn't wanna see me in november! (he said its because he felt suffocated, I guess I was pressuring him to tell me what was going on with us- and he needed space)

Then he told me that he's got a new job lined up and will be moving to my city in 6 months!

 

I feel like I have a really strong connection with this guy, and even though he has hurt me in the past, I know he is a good person deep down, its just because he is young and inexperienced and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings/emotions. Well this is what I think anyway. I understand where we went wrong in the past, and believe that by just a little effort and communication that we will be able to make it work one day. I truely see us being together again and the fact that he's moving to my city seems even more likely.

 

I know I'm just ranting here, but what do you guys think? Or am I completely in denial?!

[geegirl]

So, I recently posted in the coping forum stating that I needed closure from my ex after he disappeared on me in November. He contacted me in December apologising, I forgave him but I still felt like I needed some closure.

I was told that I probably wouldn't get any answers from him and that I just needed to accept it was over.

 

I fully understood that, but I still had this strong urge to talk to him to get answers. So I decided to contact him. I knew he could have ignored me or not given me the answers I needed. But I felt like I had nothing to lose, and that there was no harm in trying.

 

 

I asked him if we could talk as I needed closure and I felt he had got his by my forgiveness, and he said sure. He was very open to talking, and answered everything I wanted to know.

The reason why he disappeared I already knew deep down, but I guess I needed reassurance. Our talk made me feel so much better, like a weight had lifted off my shoulders... and we even had a small joke here and there. I didn't mention about getting back together, and when the conversation ended I thanked him and that was that.

He didn't leave because he met someone else, or because he lost his feelings. He left because he was scared, his friend had told me this at the time, and I already knew it because I know him, but I didn't think it would make him run away.

Hes a couple of years younger than me, and I guess while hes still young he wants to make the most of his freedom.

 

 

Anyway, he called me again tonight telling me that he really wants to see me, but that I shouldn't have any expectations...

I asked him what he meant by that, and said does he think I expect something from him? He said hes not making assumptions, but he just wants me to know not to expect anything from him. I took this to mean, not to expect we will get back together.

But he still told me he really wanted to see me, and even invited me round to stay the night, to which I told him I didn't think that was a good idea... And I said to him I don't understand why he 'really' wants to see me, when he didn't wanna see me in november! (he said its because he felt suffocated, I guess I was pressuring him to tell me what was going on with us- and he needed space)

Then he told me that he's got a new job lined up and will be moving to my city in 6 months!

 

I feel like I have a really strong connection with this guy, and even though he has hurt me in the past, I know he is a good person deep down, its just because he is young and inexperienced and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings/emotions. Well this is what I think anyway. I understand where we went wrong in the past, and believe that by just a little effort and communication that we will be able to make it work one day. I truely see us being together again and the fact that he's moving to my city seems even more likely.

 

I know I'm just ranting here, but what do you guys think? Or am I completely in denial?!

 

Flow, I went back to your threads. You began posting a little over a year ago with threads mostly about initiating NC, ex breaking NC and what it means, inquiring if second chances work, asking why he's disappeared again, etc. Are all those threads about this guy?

[flow15]

Yes, we've been on off for about a year and a half since the break up

Edited January 29, 2012 by flow15

[geegirl]

So it's been a year and a half of waiting for someone to make up their mind about you. It's sad that you've waited to be chosen and you're still waiting eventhough he's been upfront again about his terms. And eventhough he's been upfront about you having zero expectations, you still make excuses for his emotional unavailability and idealize what it could possibly evolve into.

 

"I feel like I have a really strong connection with this guy, and even though he has hurt me in the past, I know he is a good person deep down, its just because he is young and inexperienced and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings/emotions. Well this is what I think anyway. I understand where we went wrong in the past, and believe that by just a little effort and communication that we will be able to make it work one day. I truely see us being together again and the fact that he's moving to my city seems even more likely."

 

We all had strong connections with our exs. It was an emotional attachment that took some time to dissipate after choosing to break away and instilling strict NC. Your connection was never broken because you never gave it a chance, so you believe this connection is out of the ordinary, therefore worth fighting for. You may be confusing the meaning of a healthy connection with a year and a half of push and pull that's become an addiction.

 

You can make as many assumptions as you need to in order to justify his behavior. He may be immature, young, inexperienced but all that leaves you in the same place you were 1.5 years ago. He may be a nice guy but you don't put your life on hold for nice guys to make up their mind about you. Nothing has changed. You can sit around and wait for change, and I hope it comes for you but if it doesn't, you would have wasted years waiting for someone, whether it's a matter of immaturity or just a matter of not truly wanting to invest in you.

 

All your threads for the past 18 months have been of the same nature. Waiting for someone to make a decision about you. Can you not see how sad that is and what you've reduced yourself to?

 

YOU understand where WE went wrong in the past. It takes to people to come to that realization and make it work. Not one. YOU realize that with a bit of effort and better communication, it will work ONE DAY. Again, it takes two to want the same hopes and dreams for it to work one day. Hope is a bad thing in your situation.

 

For your sake, I hope I am wrong.

Edited January 29, 2012 by geegirl

[Frank13]

 

Anyway, he called me again tonight telling me that he really wants to see me, but that I shouldn't have any expectations...

I asked him what he meant by that, and said does he think I expect something from him? He said hes not making assumptions, but he just wants me to know not to expect anything from him. I took this to mean, not to expect we will get back together.

But he still told me he really wanted to see me, and even invited me round to stay the night, to which I told him I didn't think that was a good idea... And I said to him I don't understand why he 'really' wants to see me, when he didn't wanna see me in november! (he said its because he felt suffocated, I guess I was pressuring him to tell me what was going on with us- and he needed space)

 

I know I'm just ranting here, but what do you guys think? Or am I completely in denial?!

 

He wants sex from you with no commitment. You really can't see this?

Edited January 30, 2012 by Frank13

[BoredAgain]

I had to re-read twice where you wrote, "my ex after he disappeared on me in November ... I forgave him..." What? Why? He's a bit younger, he's scared, he's confused... blah, blah, blah. Those are explanations sure, but that's certainly no excuse for him treating you like that.

 

Geegirl is absolutely right. You need to gain a little self-respect and finally cut this guy loose for good.

[Dark Phoenix]

Based on everything you posted, i think the meeting is a good idea and you should go.

 

It will be good for both of you.

 

The expectations line means hes not ready for a relationship with you "RIGHT NOW" I got this line 2 months ago. He's more convincing himself then you.

 

If you meet with him, be prepared for him to be extremely self absorbed and do not take anything he says to heart. He will show care for you and how you have been but he might say some things that sting, just compartmentalize it and reflect on it later

[geegirl]

Based on everything you posted, i think the meeting is a good idea and you should go.

 

It will be good for both of you.

 

The expectations line means hes not ready for a relationship with you "RIGHT NOW" I got this line 2 months ago. He's more convincing himself then you.

 

If you meet with him, be prepared for him to be extremely self absorbed and do not take anything he says to heart. He will show care for you and how you have been but he might say some things that sting, just compartmentalize it and reflect on it later

 

 

Meeting? Just like all the times she/he has broken NC, whether they've met or been off and on for the 1.5 years, without nothing to show for but the same emotional unavailability over and over again? Go back and read her past threads. RIGHT NOW is a line YOU got. RIGHT NOW is not a guarantee that things will change for her. She's kept her life on hold for 1.5 years. Maybe leaving him behind will be the swift kick he needs up his behind to grow up and finally make a decision. If he changes in time, great, by then she'll be emotionally healed and ready to take him on whether she wants it or not.

 

If you think treating someone this way is a form of care, you're certainly morbid in your thinking. Care would be to let her go and live her life while he works on himself. Care would be to let her go knowing he can't give her what she wants RIGHT NOW, especially after she's been clinging for 1.5 years. I certainly would not continually hurt someone knowing that I am not completely whole to give them what they want.

 

I used to like reading your advice, but now I'm just confused.

Edited January 30, 2012 by geegirl

[stillafool]

 

I truely see us being together again and the fact that he's moving to my city seems even more likely.

 

 

Why do you see the two of you getting back together when he has clearly told you not to have any expectations. He has warned you. I think he wanted you to come over and spend the night because he needed sex. I'm sorry if this hurts you but if he had any interest in a relationship he would invite you on a date. You are in denial. Do you want to settle for a FWB relationship while he still searches for a new girlfriend? Will you be able to handle it?

[flow15]

Firstly, thank you for your replies

 

Secondly, I'd like to say I forgave my ex because I know his apology was sincere. I know him and it takes a lot for him to admit he's wrong let alone apologise. Also if he had cheated I couldn't forgive so easily... But just because I forgave him doesn't mean I've forgetten that he hurt me, if he were to come back I'd make him work for it not welcome him back with open arms. Also I didn't want to b bitter, it helped me get rid of a lot of anger. Forgiveness is a great thing. And I wasn't exactly perfect either, no one is! People make mistakes and when they realise this and want to apologise I think its wrong not to forgive.

 

Thirdly, I know its not just about sex and I'm not in denial about this because my ex is super hot he literally can get any girl he wants and can sleep with any girl he wants. So if he needed sex he doesn't have to come to me. Also he knows I won't sleep with him unless there's some sort of commitment.

 

 

Finally my post isn't asking if there's another chance right now, just that I sense this isn't over.. I don't think he can fully walk away from me and even though I haven't moved on in the sense I haven't got a new boyfriend (which I don't want!) I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I have an amazing job that keeps me super busy, I go out with my friends loads, guys always come up to me (so I'm not craving attention) but I'm not interested and I have lots of hobbies that fulfil my life. I just feel like I can't walk away from this one for good, there's still something there and I think he's too scared to take the step forward. Either that or he just doesn't want this right now. When he broke up with me the first time he was crying and said he wished he had met me when he was older.. He always said if he wanted a girlfriend hed be with me, and he told his friend this also.

Edited January 30, 2012 by flow15

[geegirl]

Finally my post isn't asking if there's another chance right now, just that I sense this isn't over.. I don't think he can fully walk away from me and even though I haven't moved on in the sense I haven't got a new boyfriend (which I don't want!) I'm not sitting around waiting for him. I have an amazing job that keeps me super busy, I go out with my friends loads, guys always come up to me (so I'm not craving attention) but I'm not interested and I have lots of hobbies that fulfil my life. I just feel like I can't walk away from this one for good, there's still something there and I think he's too scared to take the step forward. Either that or he just doesn't want this right now. When he broke up with me the first time he was crying and said he wished he had met me when he was older.. He always said if he wanted a girlfriend hed be with me, and he told his friend this also.

 

It CANNOT be over because for a year and a half you have been clinging for some type of change and this is what you continue to do. They can be as hot as hell, any attention is attention, no matter what form, it is will always welcomed. Plus I am sure it is hard to let go as he's super hot? Yes?

 

He wants you but on his terms, supposedly until he gets his act together? If you choose to sit around and wait, then that is your risk to take. You don't want to date others because you're too emotionally involved in this man to see the potential in others. All you have to do is go back and just look at the titles of your threads for the past 18 months. Don't fool yourself.

 

You even asked a forum if you are in denial. If you were strong in your beliefs and convictions, there wouldn't be a shadow of a doubt.

 

IF he wanted a girlfriend, he'd choose you? How insulting. You are romanticizing his IFs as potential. As much as you say your life is complete without him, it's not. If it was, you'd put yourself first and move on. Get on with your life and let him grow up and in time when you both are emotionally and mentally stable, you both can come to the table with a healthy mindset and decide on a relationship.

 

After all, if you're his epitome of "The Girlfriend", then he'll come for you when he's ready because god forbid if he should lose you.

 

If a man told me I suffocate him, I'd hit the road. I should be the highlight of his day, not a hindrance.

 

Stop analyzing his words but start looking at his actions.

 

When you keep yourself available to someone who consistently shows non-committal behavior, that is all you will keep on getting. This is because you teach people how to treat you. If 1.5 years hasn't been enough time for him to see your value and to realize what a loss it would be to never have you in his life, again, then I hope this time around, for your sake, he decides to choose you.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited January 30, 2012 by geegirl

[flow15]

Perhaps you are right gee girl.. And perhaps I am kidding myself. Mayb I should tell him its not a good idea to meet as I don't want a repeat of last time. And I can't exactly tell him if I saw him that I want to try again if he's telling me not to expect anything!

And geegirl why do you think he wants to meet? If he doesn't want a relationship and knows he won't get sex.. Perhaps to see if he still has feelings? Or to see if I still do?

Edited January 30, 2012 by flow15

[Dark Phoenix]

I personally disagree with geegirl

 

I think everything you are doing and everything that you see is correct.

 

Shes using logic to fix and emotional problem. Shes telling you to run.

 

I see exactly what you see flow. I know how this meeting is going to go down by the words you have posted from him. I think it will be in your best interest to see it for yourself based on your actions/feelings/and meanings

 

You are dealing with a GIGS breakup, everything is there. I even looked at the past threads you started and it all matches up. Even the words and the texts he uses. This is my specialty because I have been on both sides of this coin. You tell me what you want to do, and I will offer advice on the path you want to go with it

[stillafool]

 

 

 

Anyway, he called me again tonight telling me that he really wants to see me, but that I shouldn't have any expectations...

I asked him what he meant by that, and said does he think I expect something from him? He said hes not making assumptions, but he just wants me to know not to expect anything from him. I took this to mean, not to expect we will get back together.

But he still told me he really wanted to see me, and even invited me round to stay the night, to which I told him I didn't think that was a good idea... And I said to him I don't understand why he 'really' wants to see me, when he didn't wanna see me in november! (he said its because he felt suffocated, I guess I was pressuring him to tell me what was going on with us- and he needed space)

 

Why do you think he invited you "round" to stay the night? After you told him you didn't think that was a good idea did he then try to make a date with you or did he let it go?

[flow15]

I personally disagree with geegirl

 

I think everything you are doing and everything that you see is correct.

 

Shes using logic to fix and emotional problem. Shes telling you to run.

 

I see exactly what you see flow. I know how this meeting is going to go down by the words you have posted from him. I think it will be in your best interest to see it for yourself based on your actions/feelings/and meanings

 

You are dealing with a GIGS breakup, everything is there. I even looked at the past threads you started and it all matches up. Even the words and the texts he uses. This is my specialty because I have been on both sides of this coin. You tell me what you want to do, and I will offer advice on the path you want to go with it

 

Dark phoenix I am intrigued by your post. What do you think will happen if I meet him? What do u think I should do?

[geegirl]

Yes, I am using logic because when one is emotional, decisions are driven by emotional reactions. You cannot trust your heart to make right decisions because you are blinded. If she was logical, she wouldn't have spent the past 18 months being dangled on a string and being continuously rejected by a man that is incapable of fully loving her.

 

The use of this forum is to seek advice from those that see a situation from the outside using nothing but logic and experience in hopes of helping those that are blinded by their emotions, who are unable to gauge reality. If everyone here provided advice to each other from their emotionally tainted rose colored glasses, we'd all be in trouble.

 

I'm not telling her to run. I am telling her to use her head and remove herself. I'm telling her to realize that a situation cannot change if she keeps repeating the same mistakes and to now take a different path. 18 months is more than enough time spent on a futile effort trying to make someone realize your value.

 

His GIGS (what a hoot) is not her issue. She is not responsible in understanding and accepting his shortcomings. He is responsible for working through his own issues and being available to her when the time comes. Her responsibility is to herself, in that she removes herself from a situation that clearly has not benefitted her emotionally or mentally for the past 18 months, post break up mind you.

 

She can meet him for the 78th time, it still does not reverse his GIGAMANIA nor does it give her what she wants or at least what she's wanted for the past 18 months. Again, he's been upfront about her not having expectations. What else is there to talk about? How about sit and talk when there really is something of substance to share. Maybe a discussion about wanting to finally embrace her in his life and move forward. Anything other than that is just BS repeating itself.

 

You can counsel her based on your expertise and spend another few months trying to analyze what's clearly plain and simple, emotional unavailability and hopefully she will be able to change her situation. If all you're giving her is an understanding of what and who he is, again, it's futile because at the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that he has still chosen, over and over again not to be with her because he's having a case of the GIGS.

 

Flow, I hope you find your way through this. I wish you the best and I truly hope that you find your happiness, with or without him.

Edited January 30, 2012 by geegirl

[flow15]

Why do you think he invited you "round" to stay the night? After you told him you didn't think that was a good idea did he then try to make a date with you or did he let it go?

He then suggested to meet in my city. U see I was going to go to his to visit a friend, but couldn't go anymore as couldn't stay at my friends. He wanted me to come and said I could stay at his but then quickly realised ,when I said not good idea ,how it sounded

[Dark Phoenix]

Dark phoenix I am intrigued by your post. What do you think will happen if I meet him? What do u think I should do?

 

I already know you want to meet him... Am I correct?

 

If you want to meet him go ahead. I agree with your point of view, flow. Everything that you have posted in your first couple posts on this front page is the truth. I see it just like you do.

 

There are several people on this board that are doing the same thing you are doing right now flow and theres nothing wrong with it. You are in a good place, dont let anyone else tell you you are wrong or are doing the wrong thing.

 

I am no longer debating semantics to Vulcans and their "logic"al fixes for emotional problems. You are ahead of the game, you have a career that keeps you busy, you own hobbies, you are moving on. This is what you have been doing for a long time. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with waiting for what you see coming. Trust yourself and not anyone else because you are right. You have a lot of things going for you including your ability to see outside the box.

[flow15]

Why do you think I'm right though? Also if I do meet him, how should I act? Ie.. Do I not mention getting back together? Should I just act as friends? What if he kisses me?

[Dark Phoenix]

Why do you think I'm right though? Also if I do meet him, how should I act? Ie.. Do I not mention getting back together? Should I just act as friends? What if he kisses me?

 

One of the hardest things in life to attain is self validation of your own beliefs. You either accept them or let them go. I can give you a crutch because I see the same things you see but at some point, you need to be able to trust yourself.

 

Let him do all the work, set up the meet and meet with you at a time that's convenient for you.

 

Remember: NO EXPECTATIONS. Walk in there with the mindset that you are walking away with nothing.

 

How you act or the topic of conversation you choose to pursue is ultimately up to you. Make sure you are listening to him.

 

For me, the only thing that I would regret are the questions that I did not ask or the feelings I did not express.

 

You need to figure out whats best for you.

[flow15]

He initiated contact again by texting me last night.

There has to be a reason why he wants to see me so bad (and NOT for sex! - cos he knows i won't give it to him while we'r not together!)

 

If I meet up with him I don't know whether to be honest about the way I feel, or just play it cool?

Would telling him how I feel not scare him away?!

Edited February 6, 2012 by flow15

[flow15]

I haven't posted on here for a while- thought I'd give you guys an update and try and get some advice!

Wish I had come on here before because I've truely f'd things up!

 

So I decided to meet with my ex in the end, and it was amazing... It was just like old times when things were amazing, I could feel he still had strong feelings for me, he told me he wanted to try again that hes really missed me and was really sorry for hurting me last time. So we agreed we were going to take things slow and see how it goes. I was soooo happy.. I mean I've been waiting for this for a year! Not literally, but I've always hoped that we'd try again as I knew we still felt strongly for eachother, and that we truely have something rare and special.

 

Anyway, I knew it would be tough as he lives about an hour away... and we can only meet on weekends as I work during the week. But because we had such an amazing time, and its the first time he'd been so open and honest with me in so long and telling me he wants me, I had a good feeling about this.

 

So we talked roughly every few days, and I was hoping he'd initiate our next meet up. But he had a lot going on and I took his distractedness for changing his mind, and pulling his disappearing act again. I got really scared, cos he disappeared last time and I was scared he was going to do it again and hurt me again, but I remained patient and let him come to me... But he never asked me to see him, so I asked him, but he said he was busy. This happened for the next few weeks, so I got drunk one night and just asked him what was going on! How can we see how things go without seeing eachother? He got angry and said he can't do this as we have argued already.

 

I freaked out cos I thought he was disappearing again and was going to hurt me again, when infact he's had a lot going on in his life at the moment and I've just pushed him away.

 

How can I fix this? We haven't spoken in nearly 2 weeks- I've gone no contact in hopes to fixing this. I finally had my chance with him and I messed it up!! I guess I thought because he hurt me last time, I was scared he was going to do it again and I thought he should be making more of an effort with me. Do I have a right to think this way?

 

I'm hoping he will contact me, but as time goes on its looking less and less likely.... I acted so desperately which pushed him away, and its not even me! I just got scared cos he has hurt me before. Is there any way I can fix this?

Edited March 20, 2012 by flow15

[worldgonewrong]

I don't think the burden is yours to fix.

He strikes me as a jerk, and you're investing too much energy on your own blame. You need to get your self-esteem back and meet a guy who will accept you for you, without the hassles.

[Mary-Jane]

You're absolutely right to expect his words and actions to match. Don't think for a second that you pushed him away or the problem is in you. It's not.

I am in a very similar situation now, I had a breakdown after waiting for 2 weeks for a meeting and sent him an angry message accusing him in a lot of things over the years, but mostly expressing doubt he even meant what he said to me about his undying love for me and us starting again.

He was very apologetic, however now it's been 6 weeks and we haven't been in touch. I am trying to not take it close to heart, but I am beginning to realize that the man indeed IS a jerk.

Hope you will start feeling better soon too, I have been following your thread with interest

 

 

But of course I could be very wrong and he might just be extremely busy with something - work or other women :0

Edited March 21, 2012 by Mary-Jane

[radiodarcy]

 

So we talked roughly every few days, and I was hoping he'd initiate our next meet up. But he had a lot going on and I took his distractedness for changing his mind, and pulling his disappearing act again. I got really scared, cos he disappeared last time and I was scared he was going to do it again and hurt me again, but I remained patient and let him come to me... But he never asked me to see him, so I asked him, but he said he was busy. This happened for the next few weeks, so I got drunk one night and just asked him what was going on! How can we see how things go without seeing eachother? He got angry and said he can't do this as we have argued already.

 

I freaked out cos I thought he was disappearing again and was going to hurt me again, when infact he's had a lot going on in his life at the moment and I've just pushed him away.

 

I'm hoping he will contact me, but as time goes on its looking less and less likely.... I acted so desperately which pushed him away, and its not even me! I just got scared cos he has hurt me before. Is there any way I can fix this?

 

i don't see how you made an unreasonable statement in asking him the bolded statement above. so if he's ducking out on you because of that then - - worldgonewrong is right - - he is being a jerk.

 

he shouldn't have said he wanted to work on things with you if he a.) already had a lot going on in his life and b.) isn't willing to make the time to contact/see you. even if it's just a text or an email.

 

i'd be curious to know if this all he had all this stuff going on at the time he wanted to reconcile. if that's the case it probably got him thinking about the good times he had with you and he wanted to escape into them again. once the reality hit him that you are not an escape but a real person with needs and feelings, then he bailed.

 

there's is nothing for you to fix. HE's the one who went AWOL. HE needs to fix it.