How do I get rid of the hate I have for her?

[rdb]

Hello loveshack.

 

I joined in June last year after my now (finite) ex-girlfriend dumped me. She did it via phone call (because she worked at a overnight summer camp) on the day of our 6th month anniversary. She said she had thought about it and realized she wasnt ready for a commited relationship and that my behavior (being a bit too clingy that she was leaving for the summer and I'd only see her on weekends) had driven her so far away that she didnt think she loved me anymore. Given that we were each others first partner 6 months was a big deal. We were also suppose to go to a concert that weekend, with tickets I had gotten her as a very expensive birthday present. It sucked. But we never really had no contact, we still saw hung out every other weekend, and after I was pretty much back in the swing of things she decided she wanted to get back together.

 

We were both going to be freshman in college going to different schools in the same state that are about 2 hours apart. I made her explain why she left again, and I asked her to promise she knew what she wanted and that we wouldn't be repeating history in another 5-6 months. She did. I shouldn't have believed her in hindsight but that day I was just so happy that she was back I didnt think about it.

 

Fast forward 5 months to November and my entire world was collapsing behind me. I was dealing with lots of issues in all areas of my life; the college I went to was not a good fit for me, my social life at the school was studded by the fact I could not find people who I fit in with and everyone went home on weekends, my cousin (who is 6 days older than me) was (and still is) very sick with leukemia, and she started to pull away from me. I have since been diagnosed with depression, and for a while I was suicidal. The thoughts started when I was running (a new individual hobby I picked up as a way of dealing with the loneliness) I would imagine throwing myself in front of traffic. I was scared and so I stopped running, but the thoughts didn't and things in my own mind became very dark. She was my best friend. I used to feel like I could tell her anything, but when I tried to open up to her about it she just responded coldly by saying she can't relate to hating her school and said I was being over-dramatic. After she came and visited for my birthday, she said she understood a bit better why I hated it so much and promised she would try to help me through it. I still hadn't told her the full extent of things, but I was planning on it the next time I saw her. I was also going to tell her my idea about leaving after the semester ended and attending a community college then transferring to a better school, possibly even the one she goes to.

 

At her college, she had trouble at first due to a family friend who she did not like smearing her name. She also got in one big fight with her mom about it and called me crying, I stayed on the phone with her without ever informing her I was at dinner with new people then again later when I was studying for my first test. I always put her first. She thought her new group of friends she made through the campus church group would all judge her and not like her based on what he said about her. But they didnt care. She jelled with them, and started to care less and less about me. She stopped telling me about her day in detail. She stopped texting me in the mornings telling me to have a good day. When she introduced me to them in October she refused to hold my hand as we walked up to them. She introduced me to another person as 'her friend'. She blew me off for facebook chat/phone dates. She planned over a concert that was of HER favorite acappella group (i dont even really like them but was preparing to get front row tickets) even though we had been discussing it for over a month. When we would have any sort of conversation about anything, including my problems, she became hostile then when I tried to figure out why she would say something along the lines of "I dont know. I just feel bitchy. You annoy me. I feel annoyed by you." I never let any of this bother me. I am not some pushover but I didnt connect the dots until later. But when she stopped saying she loved me for an entire week leading up to my visit I just lost it. I spent the entire week losing sleep and lacking focus. Combined with everything else going wrong in my life I felt extremely overwhelmed. The night before I left, she told me she wanted to talk about something. She wouldnt specify what.

 

When the day came I had all sorts of crazy thoughts in my head. My first big idea was to miss the bus that would take me to the train station, then call her. But I got on the bus. Then on the bus I was panicking. I did not want to lose her but knew I was about to. I thought about my entire life and saw how ****ty it was at the moment. When I got to the trainstation I went up to the platform and stood on the yellow line until the train was within 10 feet of me. I was considering jumping the entire time. The reasons I didnt was because I knew that eventually things would be better again, that things happen for a reason, and that I did not really want to die even if I felt so dead inside.

 

She made me take her to dinner like I had planned to do a week ago as part of an elaborate date. I am one of those romantic types, and I so I sent her a menu, a little love note, and a magazine article I found about the place in the mail. Although it became apparent she never even really looked at it, she did not know the name or remember anything from the menu i sent her. I told her the night before maybe talking before dinner was a better idea, she insisted we shared the meal first. At dinner she tried to act like everything was fine. We embraced, we held hands, we joked. For a minute I thought everything was going to be fine. That I had prepared for something that wouldnt happen; I was with the girl I loved and I trusted her, and maybe she just wants to talk about where we are at. She didnt.

 

When we went back to her dorm, we went to a study room. She asked how I felt about being friends. What I did next was the lowest thing I have ever done. I broke down. I immediately said "but I love you" then I just started rambling and pleading with her to stay. She said she just didnt love me anymore but that I was her best friend and how great I was. I finally told her how I had almost killed myself and how much of a mess I really was, and she started crying too. She escorted me on the 2 hour bus ride to my house. I then put her in a cab.

 

After that things got ugly. I shut myself in my room while I was on thanksgiving break and did nothing. I didnt study. I didnt talk much. I did leave to visit a friend and also we had thanksgiving dinner at the hospital with my cousin. The only thing I did decide was to leave my college and go to community college after the semester ended. But I did not study for exams and I lost a lot of what I had worked for, as I watched my gpa fall from a 3.6 to a 2.75 after bombing assignment after assignment. I just did not care.

 

I tried to go no contact, but she kept contacting me asking about my cousin. Those conversations always turned ugly. Never any swearing, but I was hurt and not thinking logically. All we did was go in circles and never went anywhere. She contacted me the day of what wouldve been our one year, and we talked for hours. I tried to take the pity friendship offering. But she kept telling me she didnt know what she wanted from me, and eventually on new years I had enough. I sent her an inbox message telling her how important she had been, but that I needed a break from contact and needed her to respect that. A few weeks later I deleted her as a friend on facebook and we had a heated text exchange where she pleaded with me to stay friends. But by that point I thought too much damage had been done. Before I did it, all her new and old friends hated me and made a point of deleting me as a friend on facebook. Her family wanted her away from me. I just no longer saw myself fitting in to her new life because she pushed me out of it so I decided I had to cut the ties and I did.

 

However, now I am lost. My new start hasnt been so great. The social scene at a community college is pretty much non existent. The only people I know at the place are the ones I went to high school with. I went on a blind date, but the girl was really weird (ex: showed me a picture of her toncils, talked about her ex FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL, was talking about her pet sea monkey rufus, kept saying she needed "to go potty", wouldnt put her phone away) so their will be no second date. I am trying very hard to meet new people but it just hasnt panned out. I currently am looking for a place to volunteer and I just joined a gym, so I am hoping those 2 things will help a bit. I started seeing a therapist but he was extremely unprofessional (cursing, trying to be cool, not offering any insight, constantly trying to get me to agree to medication, once he almost fell asleep while I was talking) so I am looking for a new one. My cousin has gotten significantly worse, and we almost lost him a couple times recently. My older friends are all back at their own schools, and while we keep in touch we arent as close. And I miss her. I think about her all the time and how I wish things were different. But I also feel a lot of anger towards her. I feel like I was her everything when she had nothing, but now that she had everything I didnt matter any more. She kicked me out because things were going good and I was just some extra obligation. She put herself in front of me, and if she wanted to do that I don't understand why she brought me back for 5 more months. I almost feel a sense of hatred towards her.

 

Tomorrow will be 1 year to the first time I told her I loved her. We were in a parking deck, making out after a party. It was a formal night, she was in a black dress and looked beautiful. I could never imagine 1 year later things would be like this. I am so frustrated. I have resisted the urge to contact her and I don't plan on it. What should I do from here? How do I let go of all this bitterness?

Edited January 29, 2012 by rdb

[rdb]

Thanks Fluorescent. I know the next time this will happen, if it does happen again, I will be able to deal with it better. When I am ready, what are some ways I could use to forgive her?

[lalalandman]

One word...Forgiveness.

 

Life is too short to be bitter

[shortee143]

Dude I struggled with the anger for so long. I was so angry at him for being so heartless and thoughtless. I had to see him all the time too, which made it worse, and I just was so angry and I wanted to stop. And you know what- it literally one day just lessened. After awhile I think I got tired of being so angry. I still see him all the time, and I will never forget what he did, and I still feel anger/pain...but its much less. It will lessen, I cant say when, bc for me it just slowly happened. And I was so angry at someone who did not even care that I felt this way! And even bigger waste of energy. I struggled too with wondering if I "had" to forgive him...and I wouldnt say that I forgive him, bc I dont..but I let a lot of the anger go too. Being angry at them doesnt benefit yourself ya know. It is still there, but it gets exhausting to be so angry (esp on someone who isnt worth it, nor cares).

[shayla]

My 100 year old aunt taught me a good lesson on forgiveness when I first broke up with my ex last year. She told me that as long as I hold on to that, I am not free to grab onto the next thing.

 

She passed away a couple of hours ago and in her honor, I'm going to do just that.

[rdb]

Thanks for the responses everyone. You all are right about me needing to let go and forgive. I don't feel like I am ready to yet. I just feel so stupid being mad right now because I know it is a dead end and there is nothing in my present or future to be mad about. If I could just drop it all now and stop caring I would, but the pain is still too strong.

[immitable]

By forgiving her you look into your own mistakes and learn from them, that way you rid yourself of the hate you have for her and it is a big weiight off your shoulders if you do so.

 

It doesn't mean that you have to be friends with her or that you need to justify her actions it is just about realizing what your part in it was and letting it go. It also doesn't mean to blame yourself, if you know what I mean.

[Bito]

I was in a very similar state of mind where i had such a deep resentment to her for cheating on me and throwing everything we had away. I wanted her to feel the pain i was feeling and i hated that she got to be happy with her new boyfriend. Every day my mind would circle around the relationship, what was and what could have been. This went on for a long time.

 

So where am i now? I have worked VERY hard on improving who I am as a person. I have come to terms with everything that has happened and I am very thankful for it. Because i would not be the person I am today without her and what she did to me.

 

Not only do I forgive her but I wish her nothing but the best.

 

You have to accept that she had to make a change because she was unhappy. This does not mean anything is wrong with you. It means there was something wrong with her and she had to fix it.

 

I know the pain burns and hurts.

 

Be grateful for this experience. Work on improving who you are as a person. Discover new and wonderful things about yourself and the world around you. Life is WAY to short to hold on to such anger.

 

Work hard on letting go and forgive. Its OK if it does not happen right away. It took me many months of diligent self coaching but it can be done no matter what their transgression.

 

Good Luck

[TomJerry]

I am riding the same boat... What I realized is that we expect them to understand our frustration and talk us through it, come back, be sorry all that... When that doesn't happen you go like 'How could she' in your head and the frustration and anger builds up.

 

But you know what? It doesn't matter to them, for all you know they are not even thinking about you. So.. if you are happy, frustrated, crying or thinking about suicide it just doesn't matter to them. They are not coming and the only thing you can do is to understand that it's over and to say to yourself you will be happy and that you don't need that person. The world doesn't start and end with them, there is a happier place only you can drive yourself there.

 

I experienced that episode just this afternoon after a week. But all through the 30 mins I was in that state of mind , I kept telling myself that I should control my emotions and I just have to kill this 30 mins some how and guess what by the end of 30 mins it had gone and I was fine. I called a few friends, hit the gym and I am feeling much better.

 

Having said that, it's just one day and I know these episodes will come back quite a few times before it disappears . When the anger/frustration comes now I know that I just have to calm and control myself that 30 mins...I owe myself that much and I am not going to make myself look like needy, stupid or anything of that sort because I know I just have to control that moment.

Edited January 30, 2012 by TomJerry

[Chi townD]

First off, dude. You have a lot of personal baggage to sort out. You have been Dx with clinical depression and you need to get a handle on it. A lot of times, that depression hinders you from making connections with people. Thus, that's why your social scene sucks right now, and you're probably putting off a very depressed vibe about you. That's why it hard to meet people. Find a better therapist and quickly! If they suggest you go on medication for a point of time. I strongly suggest that you do it. There is no shame in taking them to get you though. It doesn't mean that you have to be on them forever. Just until you get a handle on things. And most importantly, DO NOT ENTERTAIN IDEA'S OF SUICIDE!!!! Life is very precious. Do you think your cousin wouldn't want your life or health right now? It may be presumious of me, but I don't think your cousin would waste a second of it! I think he would make plans to party it up in South Florida, or back pack through Europe. So, don't throw away something sooo valuable.

 

With your Ex, she broke it off with you. That's her choice. However! She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. Don't fall for this "friend zone" BS. So far, you're doing all the right things. Stay in school and DO BETTER! Buckle down. You've already joined a gym. GOOD! Get your butt in there and start pushing some weight, and wearing your ass off on the treadmill. get a new haircut and buy a new wardrobe! Join clubs for anything you're inrested in! There are cycling clubs, hiking clubs, adventure clubs, co-ed sporting leagues sign up and put yourself out there! You are going to meet people along the way. Let them get to know the new you!!

 

You need to go complete NC with your Ex. I know, easy to say and write but hard to do. But, you have to. She's made it clear that she ONLY wants you as a friend. But, you can never be friends if you're harboring feelings for her. Chances are she's already dating someone or is interested in someone. It was clear to me when you wrote that she refused to hold your hand when you were introduced to her friends. She didn't want to give off the impression that she was with someone. SO, if she contacts you by text, phone or e-mail. Stop!!!! I know you'll want to respond, but stop! Take a deep breath and post about it here instead. If you have the urge to contact her. STOP!!! Take a deep breath and post about it here instead.

 

Dude, time to heal and find the new you.

[rdb]

Thank you everyone for the advice. And for those who shared their stories, thank you for sharing that with me. Also, Chi-Town you are exactly right about me needing to correct my own issues. That is what I am focusing on right now. I can say for certain if my ex tried to come back tomorrow I would say no. But I know she isn't coming back and since we are in different cities I doubt I will ever see her again, or at least any time soon. I just have never felt this angry and distraught before, it is all so new to me, and this is probably the worst possible time for me to be dealing with it.