I'm emotionally a woman!

[patagonia]

So I just got out of a 'relationship' with a woman who I thought was fantastic. Really, truly, in every way. I know there are others out there but I never wondered what I was missing when I was with her. She thought the same of me at one point, maybe still does but I doubt it(or she wouldn't have let me walk away). We only saw each other for a few months and had such a huge connection, spiritually, emotionally, physically. It was all there. Then she needed to step back. I should have ran but I stuck it out for almost 3 months. I couldn't take it any longer a few weeks ago and broke down.

 

Anyways, why do I feel so 'womanly' if that's the right word, when it comes to my emotions. By no means is that meant to be degrading or belittling. It seems like there are so many self help books about relationships for women and protecting themselves and watching out for the bad guys. I read these books(because nothing exists for men) and it connects with me. My heart gets involved, my mind gets involved, my words and my actions are involved. Now that it's over, it doesn't stop. All I do is think about it and see her name in my dreams and it's terrible! I feel like such an emotional mess! All I can think about is being with her. Agh. It's a terrible feeling.

 

My heart goes out to all of you who are going through a hard time. I'm right there with you. I just wanted to share how I felt.

[geegirl]

Anyways, why do I feel so 'womanly' if that's the right word, when it comes to my emotions. By no means is that meant to be degrading or belittling. It seems like there are so many self help books about relationships for women and protecting themselves and watching out for the bad guys. I read these books(because nothing exists for men) and it connects with me. My heart gets involved, my mind gets involved, my words and my actions are involved. Now that it's over, it doesn't stop. All I do is think about it and see her name in my dreams and it's terrible! I feel like such an emotional mess! All I can think about is being with her. Agh. It's a terrible feeling.

 

My heart goes out to all of you who are going through a hard time. I'm right there with you. I just wanted to share how I felt.

 

Pat, it was actually refreshing to read your post. There is nothing wrong with feeling emotional. I don't believe you're the only one and you can read on this site that there are men that feel as hurt and broken as you do. You're human.

 

I've had two men in my life shows true gut wrenching emotions during our breakups. One lasted 7 years and an LDR that lasted 7 months. My ex-husband (not one of them), whom I was married to for 7 years, saw me crying at the doorway as I was walking away and all he could say was, "Why are you crying, there's nothing to cry about." He was functioning well after the separation but two years later I heard from his best friend that he was breaking down and struggling. He never dealt with the pain and pushed it aside only for it to come back and haunt him years later. You can be the guy that hides or you can be the guy that doesn't feel.

 

You are able to identify with your emotions, and what is even greater is that you have emotions. Feelings are natural and with those feelings of pain comes growth and wisdom. Without it, you're just another man going from one mindless relationship to another.

 

I live in a city where men have become so desensitized by porn, one night stands, friends with benefits, dating sites, bar hook-ups, that old fashioned values have fallen to the wayside. Gone are days when men knew how to court a woman and have the emotional capacity to fall in love. The dynamics have changed. While most women still hold on to white picket fences, the needs and wants for men have somewhat changed. Maybe the reason why in this day and age, there are more "beware of the big bad wolf" books written for women rather than men.

 

It is completely normal for a man to be as emotionally available and aware as a woman. You are a commodity. There is nothing wrong with a man feeling broken when he loses a woman he loves, whether it lasted 3 months or 3 years. Your feelings are your feelings. You should never question it but embrace it and realize that without it, you'd just be another empty shell.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't mean to sound gruff or contentious but your assertion is sexist (inadvertently I think) nonsense. Neither women or men are all the same in any way, much less emotionally. There are stereo-types about some men and some women which often appear to be true of those particular persons but there is no truth to women have a separate emotionality that men in general CAN'T have. I consider myself for instance to be very sensitive emotionally, although though work and medicine able to detach, but this seems to give me good social currency with intelligent women and makes it so that I can more easily befriend them then "guys" who tend to identify with the archetypal "guy" mentality that the media and commercialism often portray. I'm had anorexic complexes and have been bulimic in my past, I've gone to OA (over-eaters anonymous) which is by far predominated by women. I often feel tears coming on at certain things, be they joyful or sad. But I'd be wrong and sexist to say "I thing I'm emotionally a woman". I'm made of the same stuff as a woman, I have nipples because I came from a woman. We're the same "being" before we are assigned a gender and we are not separated so much that we have to consider ourselves opposites emotionally. That all said, there's nothing about me that appears feminine and I'm glad for that because it makes me useful to them in ways beyond identification and empathy and they to me. Sorry, I just wince at sexist generalities even if they are meant benignly.

[dicky_fish]

I agree with geegirl on this. Nothing wrong with being a sensitive guy, I know I'm that way, just the only down side is that when you live with your heart on your sleeve there's more chance of it getting really hurt.

[TaraMaiden]

You are in no way emotionally a woman.

 

No man alive I know of, is that strong.

 

 

 

 

(*lights blue touchpaper and stands well back*......)

[patagonia]

Gee girl thanks for your response. Fish, thank you for yours as well

Frisky, I stopped reading after the word nonsense. Thanks for your input.

Tara, thank you too.

 

What I was mainly speaking of is the entire concept of men are boxes and women are spaghetti. I'm sure someone has heard of this. Where men have these boxes for all their thoughts and with women, all their thoughts run together and are connected like a big plate of spaghetti. I feel like my emotions are like a bowl of spaghetti and everything and anything is connected with something else.

 

Thanks just me...

 

Thanks for reading and your input

[geegirl]

Gee girl thanks for your response. Fish, thank you for yours as well

Frisky, I stopped reading after the word nonsense. Thanks for your input.

Tara, thank you too.

 

What I was mainly speaking of is the entire concept of men are boxes and women are spaghetti. I'm sure someone has heard of this. Where men have these boxes for all their thoughts and with women, all their thoughts run together and are connected like a big plate of spaghetti. I feel like my emotions are like a bowl of spaghetti and everything and anything is connected with something else.

 

Thanks just me...

 

Thanks for reading and your input

 

Men can compartmentalize into nice little boxes and tuck them away while women have this one huge box with everything and anything swirling in it. I've heard of that categorization before. That doesn't mean that you have to hide from your emotions. When I first heard of these boxes it reminded me of my ex husband. Deal with your boxes. It's not a bad thing.

[geegirl]

Gee girl thanks for your response. Fish, thank you for yours as well

Frisky, I stopped reading after the word nonsense. Thanks for your input.

Tara, thank you too.

 

What I was mainly speaking of is the entire concept of men are boxes and women are spaghetti. I'm sure someone has heard of this. Where men have these boxes for all their thoughts and with women, all their thoughts run together and are connected like a big plate of spaghetti. I feel like my emotions are like a bowl of spaghetti and everything and anything is connected with something else.

 

Thanks just me...

 

Thanks for reading and your input

 

Double post.

Edited January 29, 2012 by geegirl

[patagonia]

I'm not hiding from them! I'm just stating how I feel. LOL there will never be any 'hiding' from these emotions! Thanks for your input!

[TaraMaiden]

Gee girl thanks for your response. Fish, thank you for yours as well

Frisky, I stopped reading after the word nonsense. Thanks for your input.

Tara, thank you too.

 

What I was mainly speaking of is the entire concept of men are boxes and women are spaghetti. I'm sure someone has heard of this. Where men have these boxes for all their thoughts and with women, all their thoughts run together and are connected like a big plate of spaghetti. I feel like my emotions are like a bowl of spaghetti and everything and anything is connected with something else.

 

Thanks just me...

 

Thanks for reading and your input

 

Hi Patagonia,

Permit me to be less frivolous - although I personally believe there is some truth in what I say, and hope you'll let me explain....

 

Point one (to address your 'spaghetti' observation):

 

I remember seeing a highly-qualified psycho-analyst on TV once, explaining - in rudimentary, over-simplified and extremely basic laymen's terms - how differently-wired men and women's brains were... or are, if you will...

 

And it is as you describe.

Men tend to separate and compartmentalise, whereas women inter-connect.

 

But that doesn't mean that, when emotions become highly-charged, people - regardless of gender - are not affected in terribly confusing ways.

Witness the amount of threads on this board, by women and men alike whose lives are shattered and in pieces.

Sometimes, without any reference to gender, it's impossible to know which gender is writing.....

 

Secondly, this is an extract of something I wrote to someone else....

 

I am convinced, by what I have seen in my rather varied life, that women have more resilience and inner strength than men...

 

It may be down to the fact that we have a better emotional network, and a support group in the ears and on the shoulders of our 'sisters'... it really is a relatively recent thing for men to have become so open and frank about what ails them, both physically and emotionally....

 

it could be that we're wired to cope with things in a different way, and that we have differing pain thresholds...

I'm sure different criteria and factors apply, but let me illustrate:

 

My mother is the 7th of 8 children, 6 girls 2 boys.

All the sisters are now widowed.

My father was the longest surviving husband, and died in October 2010, aged 90....all the sisters, in spite of some classic ailments associated with growing old, are all in good health, and in fair spirits.

My two uncles, on the other hand, were beset with physical problems, and indeed, my elder uncle died 4 years ago.

 

Both my brothers have been through a major break-up each (my elder brother had an affair, and the subsequent divorce from my SiL actually devastated him...(I know, self-inflicted) but then a subsequent GF really burned him, and he had a nervous breakdown.

my younger brother, at 48, is really on his own, although he has a casual GF, (Who is bipolar) and he too has had his share of heartbreak, because he's vulnerable, fragile and too nice for his own good....

 

I have been through two divorces and am in my 3rd marriage. (Sucker for punishment? maybe...but unromatically, the marriage i am in, is as much for financial security in our old age, than anything else....)

I have known emotional separation from my daughters (I am reconciled with one again) and have known more turmoil than you could shake a stick at.

Nonetheless, it was on me, my brothers counted on, for support and solace, when our father died.

 

My mum is 70, and feels lost without the only man she ever loved. they were married for 57 years and had met 5 years previous to their wedding, when my mother was in her 16th year....but she's a tough cookie, and is moving back to the UK from Italy later this year.

 

so I know we're the strong ones.

 

i think men have a great deal of strength but they are good for the immediate need, the tough instant solution, the "I need your back-up, and I need it now" moment.

 

women have the long-haul strength, the hidden reserves, the tenacity to bear with over a long period of time....

 

But that's simply my observation and experience, and other opinions are sure to differ......

[johan]

Feelings are the same. Coping strategies are different. It is kind of a shame there aren't good resources for men like there are for women, but I guess the market isn't really there.

 

I know the feeling though. When you're searching for a way to deal with the emotions, there isn't any good way.

 

On the other hand, there is not a lot of good advice to be found in self-help books. You'll read a chapter or two, try a couple of the tricks, scan the rest, resolve to give it a shot, find you aren't dealing with things any better, and the book will find its way onto a shelf you hope a future date never discovers.

 

The best thing to do is keep busy, don't be too hard on yourself, get enough sleep, don't drink too much, try to keep a positive outlook. Time will take care of the rest. And luck.

[coltsfan1]

I am a male as well and I struggled with my emotions after my break up. I am by no means a beta male, I am a 3 stripe brown belt in BJJ, I ride a harley, race quads, have a career and am about to close on my first home. I kicked a drug problem in my early 20's and after all those struggles I still was a spineless mess during my break up. Never infront or to my ex but around mutual friends I wore my break up on my sleeve. I felt stupid and used, then I came to realize I am who I am, the fact that I wear my emotions outside at times means I am comfortable with who I am.

 

All in all the feelings you have will slowly start to go away with time and YOU making a commitment to improve, and enrich your life. For me it took a year to except that wew where forever done and another six months and some small wins in my personal life (ie pay raise, finding a house, promotion at work) to start to feel like me again. I will always have the memory/hurt from my past RL but I can look at the scar and not pick at it.

[Philosoraptor]

You are yourself emotionally. Not a man or a woman, but a person. Society caters to these stereotypes and it helps form how we believe we should develop emotionally. There is nothing wrong with it at all. We are all unique and take in information, express ourselves, and heal, in our own ways.