harleynight Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 My boyfriend and I went out for about 10 months when he broke up with me. We didn't talk for 2 months and then started talking again and are now working on our relationship. He started a new job and wants to make sure that works out, so we are taking things slow. But he always says things or does things that really confuse me. He bought us his and hers watches for christmas and comments about the summer what we'll do and things like that, but then I don't see him for 2 weeks at a time. I'm not worried about him cheating at all, that is not a concern of mine. He does come over when the kids are here and they love him dearly. He prefers coming when they're not here. I don't want to push because I know his job is still new and worried him, and I know that when you usually push a person too much, that usually pushes them in the opposite direction. I love him with all my heart and I know he cares for me, sometimes I just don't know what he's thinking and I wish I knew. We do talk on a daily basis. I'm just confused and really not sure what I'm asking. What should I do? How long do I wait?
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 What was the reason you broke up in the first place? Just from the sound of it, the way you are talking about the relationship and trying to gain and understanding of your real life personality, you come off as someone who just kinda passive and goes with it. And afraid to really push a guy out of fear of him running away...which means to me that you are probably clingy to a degree. The relationship seems inbalanced and like he bought those watches out of reassurance rather than a true desire, basically trying to buy his back and "show" you that he wants to be with you...yet he's not really being there for you otherwise and showing a strong interest on what's important. I think what you're looking for is for someone to tell you this is normal and everything is going to work out. That he's just busy with his job and that's why he doesn't see you for weeks at a time. But I think deep down you know that it isn't the case, that's just what you tell yourself and what you want to hear. You're basically saying something feels off, and although you don't say what he is saying and doing that's basically giving you a feeling in your gut that there's something not right. Also he broke up with you then decides to come back two months later? that seems to me like a matter of convenience than an actual desire to want you back as a girlfriend. From a mans point of view I think he's just using you for what and when he needs you, he probably went single and didn't enjoy the experience much so he probably yearned for that relationship feeling or someone to make him feel desired or wanted, because for most men they can't usually get a replacement very quickly. It sounds like he cares for you, but you're the one who loves him. But he doesn't have emotions to the degree that you have, likely even close. So to me it sounds like a relationship you should move on from, because I don't think he's ever going to reciprocate what you want, even though you probably think you can settle for crumbs...I'm just not sure why you're willing to put yourself through that if that's the case...sounds like you need some self-work. Because you should be able to confront him and ask him the tough questions, because you know what you deserve and what you do not.
Yookie Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 I agree with Ninjainpajamas and also would like to add that he doesn't want to see the kids most likely because he doesn't want them to get too attached to him and vice-versa. It would make things more difficult when he decides to leave again.
Author harleynight Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 He told me that breaking up with me was the hardest thing he's ever done. He wasn't mad at me for any reason and trusted me, his job was consuming him and eating him up alive. And he couldn't get over that hump. He has a new job that he was working shift work so had some day shifts. Before he had been steady afternoons for 4 years. Now unfortunately, he is back to afternoons steady until they hire someone else. I know what you are all saying is right, I am a very passive person and I do think I have more invested in this relationship than he does. And right now my heart and my head are fighting as to what I should do. Before I do make that decision, I will have to have a talk with him and see where this is all going. Unfortunately I do love him very much but I'm not sure where his heart is at....... Thanks everyone
spiderowl Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 It's hard to know what to say really. All I could say is that the kind of relationship you have with your guy wouldn't suit me. Disappearing for two weeks would be the end, unless it was pre-arranged and understood. I'd just think either he's in a relationship with me or he's not, in which case I deserve to know why he's disappeared for two weeks. I can understand a couple of days maybe but I'd feel more comfortable if he kept in touch. I wouldn't have him dipping into and out of my life just when he liked though. If he started dropping out for two weeks, I would either do likewise or drop out altogether - probably the latter.
Author harleynight Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 we talk on a daily basis, but we work opposite shifts and he finishes at midnight and I start at 7:30, so the weekend is our only time, but the last two weekends, I didn't get to see him. But we do talk. My heart wants to stay, but my head is saying think about it.
Author harleynight Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 Thanks for all the advice everyone, greatly appreciated. But we broke up last night. Oh well things happen.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 That really sucks to hear harley, but this guy didn't sound he was going to make you happy at all in the end. I hope that find peace that knowing that you are the most important person in your life and have to love yourself before any man, and someone needs to make you feel important as well.
ShannonMI Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 My boyfriend and I went out for about 10 months when he broke up with me. We didn't talk for 2 months and then started talking again and are now working on our relationship. He started a new job and wants to make sure that works out, so we are taking things slow. But he always says things or does things that really confuse me. He bought us his and hers watches for christmas and comments about the summer what we'll do and things like that, but then I don't see him for 2 weeks at a time. I'm not worried about him cheating at all, that is not a concern of mine. He does come over when the kids are here and they love him dearly. He prefers coming when they're not here. I don't want to push because I know his job is still new and worried him, and I know that when you usually push a person too much, that usually pushes them in the opposite direction. I love him with all my heart and I know he cares for me, sometimes I just don't know what he's thinking and I wish I knew. We do talk on a daily basis. I'm just confused and really not sure what I'm asking. What should I do? How long do I wait? You go for 2 week stretches without seeing each other? That doesn't sound good. What is the reason? I would worry about cheating if I were you. Why is this not a concern for you? If I didn't see my man for 2 weeks at a time, I'd wonder who else he was f*cking.
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