stillhurt Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 (edited) I haven't posted on this website in over 2 months. Am almost healed, but am finally numb to most of the past. Have been starting to feel more and more normal again. My story is on here somewhere, long, predictable, and pointless. I made all the mistakes when one breaks up and then some. But, I finally got myself to stop dwelling on the past and move forward. Last night he called. It was a new # so I didn't even know it was him. Typical cowardly thing..he called in the middle of the night. I asked him why he was calling, if it was another drunk dial, and he said no. That he just wanted to see if he still remembered my #. Anyway, I made small talk with him and when he started talking about how he was a monster when it came to me, I just said that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, that it was all pointless. He is still with the rebound girl and is now saying that he tried with her and it's just not working. When we brought up our families, I told him that my brother is thinking about getting married to his on again, off again gf...and he said "does that mean that your parents would be ok in the slim chance that we ever got back together." I told him my parents were never really the problem. I was cordial, and told him that I was dating and having fun and trying to not stress about it. I guess in my way, I was trying to say that I have moved on. He said a couple of times, "well...now you have my #...so....." He always plays these mind games with me, I know he just wants to see if there is some way I will hook up with him, or something else. He wants to cushion his fall when he breaks up with this girl. I think this is what it is. He won't man up to her or me. And honestly, when I have put him on the spot in the past, then he will say things like, "we're not right for each other." So freaking stop reaching out! You made your choice! I accepted! I don't know what to say to him because I feel like too much time has passed for me to be rude and just say these things. It's almost like bringing up issues that are irrelevant to both of us. He is a stranger, but in some ways, not. So much time has passed...it's going to be almost 1 yr since we broke up. How many of you know what I am saying? This person cannot be who you want them to be, but they just won't let you heal...and I have told him before that he should just leave me be because he cannot give me what I want. He doesn't love me, I just don't know why he keeps doing this if he doesn't. It's so weird! When he changed his # I didn't ask for it. I haven't reached out this whole time because I swore to myself I wouldn't. We all know it's so easy to reach out to exes. Facebook, email, text, etc etc. He didn't say anything major of course, but his hinting was enough for me to think that he is still thinking I am a back up/hook up. It's like he couldn't even break up with her so we can see if we could be fixed back then. That hurt like hell. I already told him that I am no one's back up. Can't people just have self control and not mess with my head! Long post...venting as usual. Truth is this break up made me look at myself and realize that I had to stand up for myself more. But, I don't know why I was still polite and chatting with someone that totally kicked me in the gut when I did nothing but love and support him. He even said that he was a monster probably because I was too nice. I don't want to curse and lower myself either. But, my reaction to this whole thing, makes me feel like I didn't learn anything. Edited January 29, 2012 by stillhurt
g450 Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 Here is the way this conversation should have went: Him: Riiiing! "Hey it's me" You: Click, Bzzzzzzzzzt. Then unplug or turn off phone. 1
Exit Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 I think you have learned. For one thing, if you had actually known it was him calling, it sounds like you probably wouldn't have answered. But that begs the question... if you're keeping track enough to know exactly which day of NC you're on, and you got a phone call from an unrecognized number in the middle of the night, DID you figure it was him? If so, then yeah, you kinda caved, but can't blame you. You didn't really cave during the discussion though. You stood your ground. I wish I could be as strong as you. I'm currently in the stage where I'm struggling to accept that the person I'm missing will simply never be the person I need her to be. I feel weak. The facts are staring me in the face and I'm still so addicted that, even if I know these things are the truth, I'm almost tempted to pretend they aren't there or don't bother me. You aren't doing that, you've accepted the facts and you stood your ground. "well...now you have my #...so....." Yeah, now you know which number needs to be blocked! I agree with you that it could very well be that he is calling you to see if he will have somewhere to land if he decides to break up with the other girl. I'm proud of you for not allowing yourself to be a backup for anybody. I need to find that self worth in myself. Some days I'm so terrible I'd probably settle for being the backup's backup if it meant I could see my ex again.
geegirl Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 (edited) It's funny how they pick the oddest times to call with sob stories. Still, you're sounding so much stronger. Seems like he's checking to see if you'll be his back up since his rebound is not working out so well. After all, you were there before so maybe you will again. Three months ago he was wanting to work on an R with her and cruelly telling you all he wanted from you was sex. Now, he can't salvage an R with her and wants to know if he can with you. Revolting. Emotionally sick. He's always played both sides. And he's trying again. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're identifying his bad behavior and that is progress. Delete his new number and keep moving forward. It doesn't matter if you were nice to him on the call as long as you don't keep engaging him or give in to his requests. Edited January 29, 2012 by geegirl 1
Graceful Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 Truth is this break up made me look at myself and realize that I had to stand up for myself more. But, I don't know why I was still polite and chatting with someone that totally kicked me in the gut when I did nothing but love and support him. He even said that he was a monster probably because I was too nice. I don't want to curse and lower myself either. But, my reaction to this whole thing, makes me feel like I didn't learn anything. I have to agree. You haven't learned anything, and you continue to put the emphasis on your ex. Him, he, his ... yeesh, I don't know why this guy doesn't bore you to tears by now. He bores me. I didn't even read your entire post because it's the same BS every time you come here. You haven't instituted any changes in yourself at all. Why would it be impolite to have just said, the minute he said who he was and you realized he was calling you on another number, "I don't want to talk to you and we've already discussed all that needs to be discussed ad nauseum. Please don't call me ever again." CLICK. Why would that be rude? Why did you engage in a conversation with him again? You're right. It's been a year. Now it's ON YOU. Stop putting the emphasis on him. He's as transparent as they come, a simpleton, he's a bored, idiotic, selfish, uncaring twit. His behavior is pathological. End of story. So what about YOU? Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to change for you until you put the emphasis on yourself and ask yourself why you keep allowing this moron to slink into your life, even with one phone call. I don't care if you were caught off guard. It's been a year. Are you sick of this or not? You must not be. So talk to him, that's on you, not him. You could easily have avoided this whole scenario. Why didn't you?
Author stillhurt Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 I never know why I am the way I am. Politeness is truly instilled in me. I am the one who never hangs up on a telemarketer. Always holds doors open for people...blah blah blah. I truly have a hard time being rude to people. And, I just felt so rude to hang up on him. I have an even harder time dealing with people who have hurt me. I don't want to resort to being rude and hurting him just to make myself feel better. I am only trying to protect myself at this point, not to hurt him. There is no point in that. I will be honest, I never ever thought he would ever reach out again. I have imagined myself saying things like "don't ever call me again." Which, by the way, I have ok? I have told him not to call me, not to reach out, that I want to move on. More than once! But, he hasn't held his end of the bargain. I removed all connections with him months ago. I don't even have his #. So, I was definitely surprised and didn't know how to react. I just pretty much spoke to him like an old acquaintance, and every time our past was brought up...I would just go silent. I was neutral during the whole thing. I am one of those people that has a trouble looking for an exit when put in a difficult situation. It makes me uncomfortable. I am thinking that I should call him just to tell him direct that nothing is ever going to happen between us again and he can remove me from his back up list. If that's what he's after, then he will stop contacting me. But, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he affected me! Every time I am on these forums, there are 2 answers to everything too! It's not easy. I won't contact him. He can think what he likes, but if ever does so again, I will put him in his place. I will let him know that he has done enough damage, and I have moved on. I don't know if I will succeed since the damn niceness always kicks in.
Author stillhurt Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 And, by the way, I have told him all this over 3 months ago. In a long email about how I am not his backup and how I was going to remove myself from his life because of all the things he did. That I was going to let myself move on and treat myself right from now on. I have said all these things to him. I am not as weak as you make me sound Graceful! I did not make him call me ok? I cannot control his actions. He did not directly say anything this time about anything sexual, or relationship wise. He only referenced our past and half joked about my parents reactions. Maybe he was just calling to test me, who knows? But, he got nothing out of it. That's all that is important. What I got out of it is that he is still the same man that hurt me. There has been no change, while a few months ago I would've eaten up all the breadcrumbs and believed that he actually cared. So sorry, didn't mean to bore any of you.
Philosoraptor Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 I do not disagree with you often Fluorescent, but I do disagree with sending that email, or anything of the sort. It shows resentment and really would show a ton of immaturity. She did the right thing and seems to be on the right path. Why stoop down to that level? By sending something it shows a lack of self control. Next time he calls, emails, whatever... simply tell him that you have no interest in pursing any kind of romantic relationship with him and that you would like him to stop making contact if he can not communicate in a mature fashion.
geegirl Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) I never know why I am the way I am. Politeness is truly instilled in me. I am the one who never hangs up on a telemarketer. Always holds doors open for people...blah blah blah. I truly have a hard time being rude to people. And, I just felt so rude to hang up on him. I have an even harder time dealing with people who have hurt me. I don't want to resort to being rude and hurting him just to make myself feel better. I am only trying to protect myself at this point, not to hurt him. There is no point in that. I will be honest, I never ever thought he would ever reach out again. I have imagined myself saying things like "don't ever call me again." Which, by the way, I have ok? I have told him not to call me, not to reach out, that I want to move on. More than once! But, he hasn't held his end of the bargain. I removed all connections with him months ago. I don't even have his #. So, I was definitely surprised and didn't know how to react. I just pretty much spoke to him like an old acquaintance, and every time our past was brought up...I would just go silent. I was neutral during the whole thing. I am one of those people that has a trouble looking for an exit when put in a difficult situation. It makes me uncomfortable. I am thinking that I should call him just to tell him direct that nothing is ever going to happen between us again and he can remove me from his back up list. If that's what he's after, then he will stop contacting me. But, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he affected me! Every time I am on these forums, there are 2 answers to everything too! It's not easy. I won't contact him. He can think what he likes, but if ever does so again, I will put him in his place. I will let him know that he has done enough damage, and I have moved on. I don't know if I will succeed since the damn niceness always kicks in. Another one who finds it hard to hang up on a telemarketer! You can't place the responsibility and control of ceasing contact, on him. You stated your boundaries to him and he broke it. He won't respect them. It is up to you to enforce and keep him out. You have no control over his actions, but only yours. It was midnight. You saw an unknown number. What would compel you to pick it up? If you know he's one to trampel your requests, then it would be safe to say that anything out of the ordinary would be an alarm going off that it could be him. No? He cannot come in if you don't allow him to come in. There is no clearer, stronger and louder message than silence. If he comes back again, ignore him. Repeating your boundaries to him everytime he calls is ATTENTION. Any attention is attention. When he breaks a boundary, ignore. There is no need to reiterate yourself. He is not stupid. He's persistent. You kill persistence with silence. After awhile, a screaming kid gets the idea when no one is paying him any attention and sulks and goes away. Everytime you pay him attention, he comes back for more, good or bad. Don't feed him anything more but complete silence, that is if you truly want to move on and end this cat and mouse game. He will get the message, soon enough. Edited January 30, 2012 by geegirl
Author stillhurt Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 Fluorescent, I do not want him to contact him me and woo me. 3 months ago? Yes! Today, no! First of all, this is not the guy that will do it. Like you said, he has no respect for me so why would he go through the trouble? He will probably just ask and if I tell him no, he will slink away again. He is like, you said, very selfish to have done what he has. Silence is probably the only way to stop him. I agree with GeeGirl in terms of silence. I don't have to say anything in response to our phone call. It's pointless in my opinion. Everything that could be said, was said. It's been months! So, what is the point of this long letter bashing him. To give him the satisfaction of knowing that he still bothers me? This letter will let him know he still has a hold on me more than anything. And, in many ways, it will make me look idiotic, like I am making a bigger deal of something that really isn't. Like, I said, he didn't mention anything about actually getting back together. He just said that he was a monster when it came to me, and he doesn't know why. That he wasn't happy with his current. But, never did he refer to me as his happiness. Like Gee Girl said, as long as I don't engage. No, I think I tried to show that I can act like a mature adult. He knows what he did. He knows how I feel about him and his actions. He may think I am weak, because of my past indiscretions with him, but he does not know that I am much stronger now. I see his lies and his weaknesses crystal clear. I just don't want to stoop to his level. I can have a civil conversation and then continue to ignore him. If he contacts again, I will have to call him on his actions then. But, as of right now, I feel no need to send this letter. This man is not going to learn this lesson from me, because he has already disrespected me, do you understand? It has to be from someone he still respects in order for him to realize the many wrongs he has done to people.
Author stillhurt Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 I appreciate what you suggestion Fluorescent. I do. I wish I sent something like that when we first broke. But, now it just seems redundant. I have always appreciated every response I have gotten from here. You guys were the ones that saw me at my worse and have either kicked me or supported me through it. I don't want you guys to think I don't appreciate the responses. I do. I honestly don't think my ex wants me back, at lease not on the terms that I want...lol. I have a feeling that even if he does, it's only to cushion his fall. I don't trust him anymore. Knowing the reasons behind his actions, I doubt I will be falling into his arms at the first "i miss you." He will never be the one to come begging for me anyway. It's just not who he is. So, thank you all for your well wishes. I wish the same for you all too.
Graceful Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 And, by the way, I have told him all this over 3 months ago. In a long email about how I am not his backup and how I was going to remove myself from his life because of all the things he did. That I was going to let myself move on and treat myself right from now on. I have said all these things to him. I am not as weak as you make me sound Graceful! I did not make him call me ok? I cannot control his actions. He did not directly say anything this time about anything sexual, or relationship wise. He only referenced our past and half joked about my parents reactions. Maybe he was just calling to test me, who knows? But, he got nothing out of it. That's all that is important. What I got out of it is that he is still the same man that hurt me. There has been no change, while a few months ago I would've eaten up all the breadcrumbs and believed that he actually cared. So sorry, didn't mean to bore any of you. Heh. I got your ire up more than your ex does apparently. YAY. I did what I set out to do. How is it you can defend yourself to me and you let your ex continue to walk all over you and disrespect you? HUH? I didn't say you were weak, anyhow. I said you haven't learned anything. So get ticked off at me, that's fine. I can handle it. You want to "define" rude the way you want to define it, and that to me, is one of your problems and issues. You want to make yourself out to be Miss Nicey Nice because you do nice things like talk to strangers on the phone (GET A CLUE: that does not make you "nice" in my book -- I've never hung up on anyone either, but here is my standard line (IN CASE YOU WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING TODAY): "I'd really like to help you out, but you've caught me at a really difficult time." Know what they say? Sit down for the shocker: "Okay, thank you, Graceful" and we both hang up together at the same time. WOW. What a revelation. I don't hang up on people either and I never suggested that you should hang up on your ex. But you know, I don't go around bragging about how I do things like this the way that you do. I just do it and move on. Why do you need to harp on how nice you are all the time? To me, random acts of kindness go unspoken. All you do is talk about it so we're all sure to understand -- yeesh. We get it. You evolve in this life. You learn. You open your eyes. You improve yourself. Does that mean you have to be rude to accomplish that or take away from your core values in terms of how you treat other people? I know your eyes are opened and you don't believe him or fall for his tactics anymore, and for that, I do commend you. I'm a bit of a smart ass, in case you haven't figured that out. Why should I write the same crap that everyone else writes on this site? I don't want to do that, you see. That's not why I come here. And I got your ire up. So that's good in my book. Stay the course, go back to NC and do what you have to do. You're not accountable to any of us, you know? So do what's best for you, even if it does bore me to ever lovin tears. I mean, seriously, you don't really care what I think anyhow, do you?
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