xra Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I apologize in advance for this post's length - but if anyone actually bothers to read it through, I'd be incredibly grateful for any advice or opinions. To summarize, I've been involved in a strange and unhealthy relationship with a coworker for the past few months. First of all - our company has absolutely no policies against within-office dating (there are two couples already), so no rules being broken here. Basically, I'm in my early 20's and met this guy (he's a couple years older) when I got transferred to his department back in the summer, where he became my immediate supervisor (not a manager or such, but I would report directly to him). We became fast friends, and he started contacting me outside of work - texting, inviting me to parties with his friends, flirting, etc. I found him attractive from the very beginning, and after a while started flirting back - though things never went past that. Then suddenly a couple months later, he started acting very strange - became critical and harsh at work, and practically ignored me outside of work. I was hurt and confused, and though eventually he warmed up again, he never went back to his previously flirty ways. Around this time, I also found out that he has a long-standing close friendship and possibly more with another young woman, which complicated things. Though I could see the bad signs, I just couldn't stop being interested in him. Eventually, a series of bad decisions one weekend lead to a drunken hookup with him. That night, I asked him what was going on between us - and he replied that he doesn't see me as anything more than a friend, and it can't go past that (funny that he'd say that AFTER the hookup, right?) I became incredibly pissed off at him and called him out on his bipolar behavior (swinging back and forth between ignoring me for days/weeks at a time and then suddenly acting friendly again/wanting to hook up). He apologized endlessly and said he never meant to hurt me - he claimed that he was attracted to me but the whole professional relationship was always eating away at him, etc... Around this time I was transferred again so that he was no longer my supervisor, and I cut off contact with him. However, I couldn't stay mad forever, forgave him in my mind after a month or so, and started talking to him again. Since then, he and I have been dragging on like this: I'm still very attracted to him, we're friends at work, joke and laugh, etc. Sometimes, we talk outside of work, and a couple weeks ago we went out on a weekend again, got drunk, and had another hookup *facepalm*. He doesn't show signs of wanting to actually be together - I know he's not the type to screw around with random girls, and he seems to be attracted to me, but won't take it any further than that (though I know that if the chance arises again, we will hook up again....) I just can't help myself - despite how he's treated me, I still want to be with him. He's objectively very good-looking, intelligent, charming, athletic, and funny - but I have to admit, he has trust issues, has treated me badly, and is clearly kinda bad with women. There are two other guys in my life who have indicated interest, treat me well, are incredibly sweet, and would make great boyfriends...But I'm just not interested in their attentions and instead can't get over this guy, who's acted like a jerk multiple times! Argggh what's wrong with me?? It's made worse by the fact that I see him every day at work - so I can't exactly cut off contact to help myself move on. I can't stop thinking about him... Is this mess fated to go on until either I or he change jobs? Why does he have such a hold on me? This has never happened to me before, and it's driving me crazy...
FitChick Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 You prefer being with someone who treats you badly because you believe you don't deserve anyone better, like one of those sweet, nice guys who are good to you. You could also be a drama queen who thrives on conflict. If you understand that you will only be his FWB, then continue.
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