My boyfriend is stressed and tired all of the time

[ScienceGal]

He is stressed because he works full time and is in the process of starting a new business. He also has sleep problems that prevent him from feeling fully rested. Not only do I feel as though there is nothing I can do to help him, we're having trouble getting the relationship off the ground. And this is our second time around. We dated for 3 months, he left for 5 weeks and then messaged me on NYE. He left because he thought I had boundary issues with other people(men) that made him uncomfortable. He felt his opinion on my boundary issues was valid, but realized he didn't give it enough of a chance and shouldn't have left. The first problem is that I am struggling to let him back in. I'm scared he is going to jump ship again.

 

He is an external processor (his words). He likes to talk about everything, in depth. Which is fine in terms of politics, movie critiques, etc.The problem is that it seems as though the relationship is adding more stress because we are constantly getting into lengthy conversations about it. Despite both of us acknowleding these conversations (that trail into the wee hours of the morning) need to stop, we had another one last night. He asked me if I would ever tell him something just because I thought he wanted to hear it. It floored me to be asked such a thing, especially since I've always been honest with him... even at times when it's something I consider insignificant, and even when I know such honesty is going to prompt more questions from him. That and other points in the conversation resulted in me feeling as though I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel like I am being analyzed and judged when I want to feel adored and giddy about us. We're supposed to be laughing and feeling silly. We're supposed to be ridiculously happy. The conversation depressed me and I cried a bit.

 

He is a great guy. He is very in touch with his feelings and concerned with my feelings and other people's as well. I just wish he could internally process some things because it's emotionally draining on me, not to mention it's preventing any level of mystery or romance. He said he has had women say this same thing. I have had good relationships and he hasn't. I'm beginning to wonder if he is ready to. We're both good people but it's possible we're not for each other (his words too). I agree, and it's something people might think about while dating, but I feel like saying this out loud is like saying he is expecting for us to fail.

 

He woke up late this morning and had to rush off to work. I feel bad, but I'm not letting it ruin my day.

 

How do I support him during his busy/stressful time while simultaneously trying to navigate the relationship into a healthy/happy state? I don't want to feel like we're on shaky ground and I don't want to compromise my well being. What would you do?

Edited January 28, 2012 by ScienceGal

[Dust]

Just decide if this relationship is right for you. Sounds like you want to give it a try. So just enjoy the guy as best you can. Realize you have no control over his sleep habits or stress levels. Best thing you can do is try not to stress yourself. If you have a suggestion that would solve his problem go ahead and give it, but realize you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink!

[chelsea2011]

I agree, that does sound difficult. What do you mean by external processor?

 

Regarding bf, you should just tell him exactly what you said here. Let him know that the constant discussion is making you exhausted and that you would like to lighten things up. Perhaps you need to look at why you are not setting a personal boundary and feel the need to help him? He is a big boy right?

 

Tell him it's a new start and that the two of you should just enjoy doing things together while your getting to know one another. You can't really do anything about his doubts, except to continue to just be you; someone who is worthy of and only wants a healthy happy relationship.

 

It sounds like you are putting yourself in a position of constantly answering his concerns and it's not allowing you to voice what it is that you need and want. It creates an imbalance in the relationship. Stop the heavy discussions and trying to help him; work on just keeping it light on your end. He needs to "let go" of his concerns for now and just work on getting to know you for the person you are. Whether or not he can do that is up to him.

 

I'm not sure if this helps or not. Just my 2 cents.

Edited January 28, 2012 by chelsea2011

[ScienceGal]

I agree, that does sound difficult. What do you mean by external processor?

 

Rather than taking time to think about and process things internally, he talks about it immediately and has his thought process out loud. IMO, some things should be kept inside and after it's thought about, can be brought up if it seems significant. Also, external processing can lead to questioning someone further than you should... to the point of deflating a good mood.

 

For example, we went to see a play last night and he and I were reflecting upon what we thought about it. The couple in the play got a divorce and my bf started talking about how ending relationships opens a new door with new opportunities. He also said he thought the husband should have gotten with the other woman in the play. That didn't go over well with me, but I simply said that I wished the marriage had worked and I found it sad. He kept on and I tried to change the subject. He noticed I didn't want to keep talking about it and said "it seems like I've struck a chord and I want to understand why". I am an internal processor, so I didn't want to do my thinking out loud. I didn't know why it didn't sit well with me, and I honestly thought it was an overreaction on my part. I realized after thinking a while that his interpretation bothered me because I am still upset that he left me and now that he's back (it's only been 3 weeks since he came back) I am trying to regain feeling secure and good about the relationship. The last thing I needed to hear out of his mouth was thinking ending a marriage and hooking up with someone else is an option... even if we're talking fiction. It just wasn't setting a good tone. Point is, I don't want to be pushed to talk about something immediately because I probably don't have the right words to express myself. This was part of our conversation... as was everything in my first post.

 

And in general... I like silence sometimes, ya know!?

[FitChick]

In my opinion, your problems have nothing to do with his working too hard. It's just adding to the stress between you. Sounds like he is the type who, because he's had failed relationships, thinks he can control the outcome by talking about every little thing, looking for clues it might fail. He creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Probably has a fear of intimacy, which might sound counterintuitive because he is so open with this feelings, but he winds up pushing women away. You two just have two different relationship styles.

 

You could try an interesting experiement: spend an evening using only nonverbal communication and see what happens. I have a feeling he would become very anxious because his coping strategy would be disabled.

[ScienceGal]

In my opinion, your problems have nothing to do with his working too hard. It's just adding to the stress between you. Sounds like he is the type who, because he's had failed relationships, thinks he can control the outcome by talking about every little thing, looking for clues it might fail. He creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Probably has a fear of intimacy, which might sound counterintuitive because he is so open with this feelings, but he winds up pushing women away. You two just have two different relationship styles.

 

You could try an interesting experiement: spend an evening using only nonverbal communication and see what happens. I have a feeling he would become very anxious because his coping strategy would be disabled.

 

I wonder if in time he will relax. My fear is that he won't. He is at times exhausting to be around, and he knows it. I feel like I don't have any personal space to think quietly (without offending him) or make choices without feeling like I'm under a microscope. He needs to trust. period.

 

And, I really really like you're experiment idea. I'm going to tell him I want to try it.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I like FitChick's suggestion. But it might be soon for that.

 

I don't think this problem is going to be automatically solved with time. Especially if he did this in other relationships and knew he was doing it.

 

Why don't you suggest your man go see a professional to talk these things out with. While it's great to be honest about your emotions and want to talk about your relationship, there is a point where it's less about the relationship and honest emotions and more about the other person taking energy from you. In this case, it sounds like your boyfriend has crossed that line where it's more about his anxiety then it is about your relatoinship. And it's not fair to place all of that on you. He needs to work this issue out and find something else that can be a stress reliever for him. Perhaps something like Yoga which really requires you to work on quieting your mind and body down. But first, he needs the professional. This is not something you are ever going to be able to fix no matter how amazing of a gf you are. This is his issue. You can be there for him, but he needs to be the one to fix this inside him.

[ScienceGal]

I like FitChick's suggestion. But it might be soon for that.

 

I don't think this problem is going to be automatically solved with time. Especially if he did this in other relationships and knew he was doing it.

 

Why don't you suggest your man go see a professional to talk these things out with. While it's great to be honest about your emotions and want to talk about your relationship, there is a point where it's less about the relationship and honest emotions and more about the other person taking energy from you. In this case, it sounds like your boyfriend has crossed that line where it's more about his anxiety then it is about your relatoinship. And it's not fair to place all of that on you. He needs to work this issue out and find something else that can be a stress reliever for him. Perhaps something like Yoga which really requires you to work on quieting your mind and body down. But first, he needs the professional. This is not something you are ever going to be able to fix no matter how amazing of a gf you are. This is his issue. You can be there for him, but he needs to be the one to fix this inside him.

 

He sees a therapist once a week and has done so for about a year. It doesn't seem as though he is looking to change himself, rather talk and learn how to make better decisions. His last relationship really gutted him. And, he does yoga once in a while, and goes to the gym regularly.

Edited January 29, 2012 by ScienceGal

[FitChick]

He sees a therapist once a week and has done so for about a year.

 

That is the problem with conventional therapy -- behavior seldom changes. But I'll bet his therapist loves him because all that talking is money in the shrink's pocket! The Lefkoe Method is better for changing dysfunctional patterns. Short and sweet. However, if your boyfriend loves the sound of his own voice, he may not want that pattern to change. He sounds like he lives in his head where he thinks he can control everything.