diskostu Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 been seeing this girl for about 9-10 months now. was on break this fall when i moved abroad. we kind of ended things and didn't really have much contact during these 3 months. she got kind of pissed, but i considered the relationship over. i went back for christmas. met her and spent a few days with her before leaving again abroad (spending the next couple of months here). things were great. at first slightly awkward, but quickly back to where we left off. she told me she still had strong feelings for me. i told her i'd call her when i get back and we could see what happens. everything ok. or so i thought. ever since i left she has been really passive aggressive. we chat a bit here and there, but there are lots of small bitter comments. nothing serious (for instance "you're always late!" randomly popped up in one conversation). recently she also started an argument about some bull****. to me it was irrelevant, but she made a huge deal out of it. something that happened when i was back home. this was two weeks ago. why is she bringing up this stuff now? two weeks later? why is she so ****ing passive aggressive? when i left everything was cool. now she seems so bitter.
Taramere Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Why, if you considered the relationship over, did you spend a few days with her?
Author diskostu Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 Why, if you considered the relationship over, did you spend a few days with her? just happened. i thought it was over. or, i had convinced myself it was over, but feelings were still there. maybe the only girl i've ever really loved and i think she loves me (she has said it).
Taramere Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Of course there are still feelings. It would be naive to presume that when one person moves away and a relationship ends as a result, all feelings conveniently die. These are really very common situations. One person moves away and doesn't do so with any commitment that the relationship is continuing and that there are firm plans to build a life together once the period of separation is over. Which might sound very serious, but I don't see how else a long distance relationship can be conducted. In this case, you left and viewed your departure as bringing about the end of the relationship. Did you make that clear to her? Or is it more a case of when you're away, the two of you are on a break...and when you're back home you resume the relationship for however long you're spending at home? If it's the latter, then unless she's exceptionally tolerant (to the point, perhaps, of being a doormat who remains in denial, in order to be perceived as "cool with the situation", of their own feelings and emotions) she's going to feel angry about the situation, and that anger will seep out. It might not be cool, but it's very human. To spend any time addressing the minor issues she's expressing annoyance about would probably be a waste of time. The real issue here is almost certainly the lack of clarity about what kind of relationship you have. My guess is that you want to pick up the relationship when you're in the area, and drop it when you're not....and probably put in the minimum amount of effort to stay in touch with her that is required to keep that situation going. Of course if she perceives it in that way and feels hurt by it then it's incumbent on her to stop having contact with you and to not see you when you're at home. However emotional defence mechanisms often cloud people's ability to see these situations as clearly as outsiders can see them. She's probably convinced that the two of you are in an ongoing relationship, even when you're not at home. If you want to put an end to the passive aggression that's featuring in this situation, then it's probably time to end the relationship overtly and unambiguously...and not continuing to have chats with her that muddy the waters due to their suggestion of an ongoing relationship.
Author diskostu Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 yeah, made things clear when i left. she agreed, she even met another guy while i was away (though it was over when i got back). i think we both were in agreement that it was over, but when we met things just clicked again. i wanted to spend time with her, she wanted to spend time with me. i am going back permanently in a few months and i told her that when i get back i want to keep seeing her and see what happens. she then got all freaked out and told me that i was unfair and that i shouldn't have said it, because now that will be on her mind while i'm gone. ... and as she said, it's always easier on the one who leaves.
FitChick Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Sounds like she misses you and is frustrated and angry that you two can't be together now. Can she come and visit you in the meantime? If you are serious about her, you have to make the effort to communicate in creative ways nearly everyday. Go on the Long Distance Forum and ask for advice.
Author diskostu Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 Of course there are still feelings. It would be naive to presume that when one person moves away and a relationship ends as a result, all feelings conveniently die. These are really very common situations. One person moves away and doesn't do so with any commitment that the relationship is continuing and that there are firm plans to build a life together once the period of separation is over. Which might sound very serious, but I don't see how else a long distance relationship can be conducted. In this case, you left and viewed your departure as bringing about the end of the relationship. Did you make that clear to her? Or is it more a case of when you're away, the two of you are on a break...and when you're back home you resume the relationship for however long you're spending at home? If it's the latter, then unless she's exceptionally tolerant (to the point, perhaps, of being a doormat who remains in denial, in order to be perceived as "cool with the situation", of their own feelings and emotions) she's going to feel angry about the situation, and that anger will seep out. It might not be cool, but it's very human. To spend any time addressing the minor issues she's expressing annoyance about would probably be a waste of time. The real issue here is almost certainly the lack of clarity about what kind of relationship you have. My guess is that you want to pick up the relationship when you're in the area, and drop it when you're not....and probably put in the minimum amount of effort to stay in touch with her that is required to keep that situation going. Of course if she perceives it in that way and feels hurt by it then it's incumbent on her to stop having contact with you and to not see you when you're at home. However emotional defence mechanisms often cloud people's ability to see these situations as clearly as outsiders can see them. She's probably convinced that the two of you are in an ongoing relationship, even when you're not at home. If you want to put an end to the passive aggression that's featuring in this situation, then it's probably time to end the relationship overtly and unambiguously...and not continuing to have chats with her that muddy the waters due to their suggestion of an ongoing relationship. Sounds like she misses you and is frustrated and angry that you two can't be together now. Can she come and visit you in the meantime? If you are serious about her, you have to make the effort to communicate in creative ways nearly everyday. Go on the Long Distance Forum and ask for advice. i said she could come visit, but she said no. i'm abroad on business and working 12-15 hours a day. i also told her i wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her if she came to visit. ...but if she really missed me, i think she would want to come visit. at the same time i kind of get her. we hadn't talked for 3 months. not a single word. then spent three consecutive days together right before i left. it must have been confusing for her. meeting up again and then leaving wasn't that hard on me (although i do miss her), i think she got hit hard. she was trying to be really cool and composed as i said good bye, but she kind of broke down and cried.
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