kiss_andmakeup Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Funny title, but it actually does pertain to my query. BF and I got on the topic of discussing dating histories (completely good-natured) recently, and I'm surprised by some of the things he told me. How we ended up on the subject is kind of a funny story... Before this past christmas, I fractured my arm (and was out of work for two weeks...which is why some of you might have noticed a surge in kiss_andmakeup posts on this forum!). Ouch! I had it set in a fiberglass splint with a bandage wrapped around it - basically a removable cast. My arm was very swollen, so the first night I slept in the splint, the tightness of the bandage had pushed the blood/swelling to my hand and made my fingers all swollen and chubby looking. When we woke up that morning I said to my boyfriend "Look! I have sausage fingers!" We were joking and laughing about it all day. When I made fun of it again later that day, he told me "OK, you're going to think I'm a terrible, shallow person but...I actually stopped dating a girl because she had sausage fingers." I didn't believe him so we started discussing it...he recalled that she was a pretty girl overall, and in good shape, but for some reason her fingers were really chubby, and it turned him off. After a little jabbing he revealed that, okay, he wasn't exactly *crazy* about her personality either, and her fingers were just one component. This led to us discussing our experiences with "short-term" dating). Apparently in the year in between me and his previous relationship, there was a string of women he dated for maybe 1, 2, or 3 dates, and then broke it off because he wasn't interested in them or there wasn't chemistry. While he noted personality issues or lack of compatibility, he confessed that some kind of physically unattractive trait was a factor in breaking things off with each of these women. He also confessed that it makes him feel a bit shallow to admit that. I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, I guess I'm just kind of surprised. My boyfriend has always struck me as a very non-shallow person...partially due to my assumption that if looks were paramount to him in a significant other, he certainly wouldn't be with me (I feel he could do a lot better looks-wise). We are poster kids for non-physical chemistry...we literally like all the same music/movies/activities, have similar senses of humour, similar values and morals, and overall our personalities complement each other very well. I am very attracted to him, and he seems very attracted to me, but we have a lot of other things going for us as a couple. When we were having that conversation we were just kind of joking around, and I said something like, "Jeez, mister picky! I better watch out! I hope you don't come across a chubby toe on me or something!" He laughed and said "Oh come on, we've been together for 8 months, there's nothing to worry about. You're perfect for me." To be clear, I've never felt any pressure from him to look, dress, or style myself a certain way. He's seen me with no make-up, bad bedhead hair, in sweatpants, with a sinus infection AND a broken arm...he's seen it all. And he is just as sweet and compassionate towards me then as he is when we are out on the town and I'm all glammed up. So I guess the end point is that I'm kind of worried about this revelation and I don't know if I should be. Should this be a red flag? I mean, to stop dating a girl because she had "sausage fingers"?? I'm nowhere near physically perfect, and I have some insecurities in that department. I'm now a little bit worried that he just settled for me. Not to the point that it's keeping me up at night, but to the point where I'd like some fellow LS-ers' opinions.
aj22one Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Not worth spending anymore than 3 seconds worrying about, and even that might be pushing it. I once stopped dating a chick (2 dates) after she admitted she was a Red Sox fan. That just wasn't acceptable to me in any way.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 Not worth spending anymore than 3 seconds worrying about, and even that might be pushing it. I once stopped dating a chick (2 dates) after she admitted she was a Red Sox fan. That just wasn't acceptable to me in any way. :laugh:
Buttercup84 Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 First of all , you are stunning and I am sure your boyfriend can't " do better " ! you are hot It is weird , but we all have turn off's and it might be a bit shallow but we can't help who we are attracted to . Sure if someone broke up with me because of the way I looked I would be crushed . But when you are really attracted to the right person you see past those things . I wouldn't see it as a red flag , but just make sure he does not try and change you . Hope you get better soon
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I once broke up with a guy over an unsightly mole about the size of a pencil eraser. Truth is, some things just weird us out.
colliejoanie Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 COME ON!!!! Really??? It's quite obvious that if internally there's something you don't like about someone that some tiny little thing he does will dig at you like a foot corn . (god, I make myself laugh). But really, it sounds like you're searching for something..... Don't make trouble where there is none. If you love a guy, you love all his imperfections.....and visa versa. I'm happy for you!!! Please stop looking for unhappiness .
FitChick Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 (edited) If this happened during a specific period of time, my guess would be he wasn't looking for a serious relationship at that time but merely going through the motions. Dating was just a habit. So any excuse to end it worked. When you are really ready to settle down, you generally overlook little things and even big things. . I work with a woman who has man hands. Edited January 28, 2012 by FitChick
DontWorryBHappy Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I would definitely say don't worry about it. The truth is, certain things just turn people off... for example, I couldn't be with someone who had a lot of heavy facial hair (unless it was a guy that I was already with that randomly decided to grow his facial hair out). Sometimes if something really bothers you about a person physically, that can affect the level of chemistry that you feel toward that person in the beginning stage of getting to know them. Once you have an established relationship, such as yours, it means he was already pretty thrilled with the chemistry you guys had back in the beginning, and all the time you've spent together since then sort of seals the deal. So in other words, I don't think he was being shallow or that you have anything to worry about. He's just honest about his preferences....and you already fit the bill for him with flying colors!
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I think this is why it's dangerous for men to be really open and honest about things, because eventually a woman is going to get stuck on something that we say that they take personal even though when we're speaking we speak entirely about a different person or situation. Judging from your photo you look like an attractive girl who has a pretty nice body, but If you were chubby, and much less attractive I'd say you'd definitely have something to worry about. But then again he wouldn't have been with you for 8 months already, the things that he may not have found "perfect" were good enough or not bad enough for him to cut you off for. I think the guy is shallow though more than you've made him out to be, women like to see the best in the men they are with but it's not always the case...even If he's sweet, kind, caring and all that crap to you...he might not have been that way If you had...chubby fingers. All in all I think you're safe, I'm a pretty picky guy myself and you're not on that line where a guy is going to be "hmm she's cute but I don't know If she's cute enough to my gf...I might just hide her in the closet most of the time" so i wouldn't worry about it
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 First of all , you are stunning and I am sure your boyfriend can't " do better " ! you are hot It is weird , but we all have turn off's and it might be a bit shallow but we can't help who we are attracted to . Sure if someone broke up with me because of the way I looked I would be crushed . But when you are really attracted to the right person you see past those things . I wouldn't see it as a red flag , but just make sure he does not try and change you . Hope you get better soon You're very sweet, thank you. I once broke up with a guy over an unsightly mole about the size of a pencil eraser. Truth is, some things just weird us out. True that! COME ON!!!! Really??? It's quite obvious that if internally there's something you don't like about someone that some tiny little thing he does will dig at you like a foot corn . (god, I make myself laugh). But really, it sounds like you're searching for something..... Don't make trouble where there is none. If you love a guy, you love all his imperfections.....and visa versa. I'm happy for you!!! Please stop looking for unhappiness . You're completely right...I've been in this habit of self-sabotaging ever since this relationship started, and it needs to stop. If this happened during a specific period of time, my guess would be he wasn't looking for a serious relationship at that time but merely going through the motions. Dating was just a habit. So any excuse to end it worked. When you are really ready to settle down, you generally overlook little things and even big things. . I work with a woman who has man hands. I would definitely say don't worry about it. The truth is, certain things just turn people off... for example, I couldn't be with someone who had a lot of heavy facial hair (unless it was a guy that I was already with that randomly decided to grow his facial hair out). Sometimes if something really bothers you about a person physically, that can affect the level of chemistry that you feel toward that person in the beginning stage of getting to know them. Once you have an established relationship, such as yours, it means he was already pretty thrilled with the chemistry you guys had back in the beginning, and all the time you've spent together since then sort of seals the deal. So in other words, I don't think he was being shallow or that you have anything to worry about. He's just honest about his preferences....and you already fit the bill for him with flying colors! I agree with both of the above posts. They're kind of what I've already been trying to tell myself, but hearing it from someone else reaffirms it in a way. Thanks. And LOL at the "man hands"!
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 I think this is why it's dangerous for men to be really open and honest about things, because eventually a woman is going to get stuck on something that we say that they take personal even though when we're speaking we speak entirely about a different person or situation. Judging from your photo you look like an attractive girl who has a pretty nice body, but If you were chubby, and much less attractive I'd say you'd definitely have something to worry about. But then again he wouldn't have been with you for 8 months already, the things that he may not have found "perfect" were good enough or not bad enough for him to cut you off for. I think the guy is shallow though more than you've made him out to be, women like to see the best in the men they are with but it's not always the case...even If he's sweet, kind, caring and all that crap to you...he might not have been that way If you had...chubby fingers. All in all I think you're safe, I'm a pretty picky guy myself and you're not on that line where a guy is going to be "hmm she's cute but I don't know If she's cute enough to my gf...I might just hide her in the closet most of the time" so i wouldn't worry about it No, you're right, and I definitely don't think he feels that way. There have been multiple times when his colllege buddies were in town and I offered that he could hang out with them without me if he wanted some quality girlfriend-free time with them...he would always say something like "Nah, you'll fit right in, you like all the same stuff we do..." (by which he means beer, music, and hockey ) "...and besides, I like to show you off!" So you're right; in that regard I'm not worried. Your previous paragraph is more what I'm worried about - that he's more shallow than I initially realized. But I guess everyone has their preferences.
gaius Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 I once stopped dating a chick (2 dates) after she admitted she was a Red Sox fan. That just wasn't acceptable to me in any way. Some women just too good for you huh?
DontWorryBHappy Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Well the way I see it is, "shallow" could very well mean the same thing as "having very clear preferences about physical attractiveness". My boyfriend is sweet, caring, attentive, and talks a lot about all the non-physical things he loves about me... but when prompted, he'll admit that he thought "wow, she's very sexy" when he first met me.. that he noticed my "amazing legs" and whatnot. Now this is a guy who doesn't openly talk about all those physical appearance preferences (and yours doesn't either... honestly it sounds like he just felt comfortable with you and let it slip). But often times whatever they're not saying, they're definitely thinking it.
RecordProducer Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Should this be a red flag?Not at all. He was using simple pretexts to ditch the girls he didn't really like. Just like employers can fire an employee forbeing late 5 minutes while the truth is they weren't happywith the employee's performance. I ditched my first BF because he didn't want to help me with house chores and because he gave money to his parents to fix their heater (yeah!) - those were my immediate reasons. Only when I started dating the next person, a year later, did I realize what trash the ex-BF was and that I definitely dumped him for more than the house chores (not to mention that giving money to his parents was actually a noble deed). Not all people can articulate their emotions with specificity. Remember the movie "The War of Roses" where the wife tells the husband that she can't look at him eat,she hates everything he does...? Because she didn't love him anymore. Just keep in mind, if he ever leaves you because you have a filling in your wisdom tooth - it means more than that!
Dust Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 At this point I have to repeat stuff other people wrote. But maybe it will help hammer it home. You are both a cool girl and a sexy girl. Now you're coolness might add to your sexyness and vice versa. No need to break it down. If some one is a loser their big nose or puffy cheeks may start bothering you. If you like some one you'll love their freckles or what ever might have bothered you otherwise. So it's like that. You must drive some of the women here crazy being young and beautiful dating the MD and looking for problems... I know you drive the men here crazy! Don't worry, be happy!
jobaba Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 OP, I'll be honest here. You questioning your boyfriend's judgement on this topic is very admirable of you 'in my eyes'. Most people wouldn't even consider dismissing people for minor physical traits shallow. Let's face it. Everybody does things differently. For me, to reject a woman because she had sausage fingers. Yes, that's incredibly shallow in my opinion. I don't get many chances and I'm not going let something like that be a dealbreaker. If a woman that I was dating told me that she had rejected this and that guy he was ugly this and ugly that, I wouldn't date her. But that's me. Non-shallowness is a top requirement of mine. But everybody does things differently based on how their dating life has been. And I think the majority of the responses here reflect that.
turt Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 He probably didn't like the girl that much to begin with and the fingers were just the last thing he didn't like.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 Kiss and Makeup, I am assuming that's you in your Avatar and you are really beautiful. With that said, and twistedily this is suppose to make you feel better, even pretty girls get dumped. HOWEVER, this is a good thing. It tells us that no matter your looks, at the end of the day, what keeps people together are other things. I know for myself that I have been turned on by men that were not stereotypically handsome..heck, even sometimes what others might consider unattractive. But there was a chemistry there that couldn't be denied. Other times I was turned off by really hot men. Didn't feel a thing for them. Sometimes a man's unflattering body things could be more endearing because they were part of who he was. Attraction and Chemistry are funny things. Your boyfriend is with you because he clearly likes you emotionally and physically. The French use the word "jolie laide" meaning "unconventional beauty". There is a belief that a woman is made beautiful because of her unconventional features. That is, if you feel you have any. Although I do think you are really pretty regardless.
RecordProducer Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 (edited) I don't get many chances and I'm not going let something like that be a dealbreaker. Hm... this made me think of something else: maybe your BF is trying to pump up the "price of his stocks" (his value as a man) by showing you that he can choose among all girls and reject or dump a girl because of a minor thing - because he is so perfect, so he can afford it. By telling you how picky he is he keeps you on your toes and makes you feel insecure about him, which puts him in control over you and gives him the upper hand in the relationship. Proof: you became concerned and nervous about your looks and whether you're good enough for him. Only you know whether this is a possibility, but if you think it is, then it stems from nothing but his own insecurity, emotional instability and his love for you, i.e. fear that you would leave him. Edited January 29, 2012 by RecordProducer
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