I don't deserve the right to be attracted to a woman?

[irc333]

I responded to her response recently. I made her aware that it's unrealistic to fault or judge a man as superficial because he wants to date her. And that can be just the nature of the beast sometimes.

 

She said I made a good point on that. But she said she also has guy friends that wound up acting too quickly in wanting to move on from their friendship , only to wind up lonely and such a habit can cause them issues with women, in general, in the future.....meaning that this would disallow a man to be able to tolerate such behavior with women in the future. Sometimes the guy might regret having dropped said woman as a friend even.

 

That a man can find themselves lonely for immediately dismissing a woman as a friends so quickly.

 

First of all, I did like her as a friend, but the feelings were just there.

 

For one, I have no regrets, I've done this before. And there's no feeling of loniless having done this, like the old saying goes, Men and women are like buses, there's one that comes every 15 mins.

 

I also do have current friendships with women that are indeed healthy.

 

She said she has plenty of male friends interested in her romantically.....friendships, some of which the guys just severed ties with her, "missing out" on what could've been a wonderful friendship. The others, that had a thing for her, stuck around to remain friends indefinitely anyway, regardless of their interest in dating her.

 

The previous male friends, she labeled as superficial.

 

But she was glad that I was able to verbalize where we both stood, and we just don't see eye to eye on that, and she respected that. or weren't on the same level.

 

 

Also, dont' freindships and dating kind of go hand in hand

 

Meaning, you can't date someone that you couldn't be friends with either or wasn't a good friend to you.

Edited January 28, 2012 by irc333

[phineas]

eh, I wouldn't of even responded.

 

However, I leave women on my FB like OP's just so they can see how good a shape i'm getting into & know they screwed up big time. LOL!

[veggirl]

I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

 

Who gives a fk if you unfriended her on FB. I can't believe people would legitimately call someone up to confront them about that. That is pathetic, on her part.

 

I wouldn't remain "friends" with a guy I wanted to date who rejected me.

 

I agree with what you did! and she sounds kinda self-absorbed.

[jobaba]

Uggggh...

 

You can never tell how women will react to this situation.

 

Years ago, I was rejected by a good woman friend and I wanted to cut contact. She insisted I be her friend because she valued me. Today, she is one of my best friends.

 

Recently, I was rejected by another friend, and after I got over the brunt of the heartbreak, I contacted her and said we should be friends. She totally ignored me.

 

All you can do is try your best to be the more mature person and carry on...

[jobaba]

I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

 

Who gives a fk if you unfriended her on FB. I can't believe people would legitimately call someone up to confront them about that. That is pathetic, on her part.

 

I wouldn't remain "friends" with a guy I wanted to date who rejected me.

 

I agree with what you did! and she sounds kinda self-absorbed.

 

That's your ego speaking.

 

I have learned through experience and observation (i.e. I'm OLD) that feelings for LTRs and even ex husbands and wives fade. A good friend could is something that is hard to find.

 

Consider...

[Dust]

If a woman believes that she can be "friends" with a guy just like a girl its not your job to explain it to her.

 

Firstly its best not to approach a woman you are interested in romanticly as a friend. You can't friend your way into a relationship with one of these girls who thinks its ok to have friend dates with men who are just "friends."

 

Second if you have become "friendly" with a girl and decide to persue it romanticly I think you need to be prepared for her to act insulted. It can go either way. Some times you hit on them it doesn't work out you become just friends and hit on them again. Some times you hit on them they want to stay friends you don't and you hit on them again some time later. Some times who knows. Just go with the flow be cool and don't wory about this.

[somedude81]

She said she has plenty of male friends interested in her romantically

I believe that is the key issue.

 

Most women have plenty of guy friends and she knows that they want to be more than friends with her.

 

A man who just wants to be her friend and nothing more is rare, for obvious reasons. So when a platonic guy friend suddenly wants more, she feels that she lost a friend; and in return only getting just another guy who wants her.

 

What I don't understand is why a woman even wants a platonic male friend and prefers that over guys who are interested in her.

 

It's the whole cake eating thing.

[veggirl]

That's your ego speaking.

 

I have learned through experience and observation (i.e. I'm OLD) that feelings for LTRs and even ex husbands and wives fade. A good friend could is something that is hard to find.

 

Consider...

 

Erm, it's actually not my ego speaking. It's my common sense.

 

I'm not too interested in being friends with guys, anyway. I'd rather be friends with other women. And if I am interested romantically in a guy, I would find it extremely difficult to pretend I am not and just be his friend. it would drive me crazy to see him with other women, etc. Why in the world would I welcome that? I have enough friends, I am not interested in approaching or gaining new men as friends, quite franky.

[Shaun-Dro]

Yeah, she needs to find gay men or something. I have no problem starting off in general as friends with women...but there just might be that ONE I'll take a shine, too, that I may just want more than that.

 

If she has a problem with that, she needs to reassess her way of thinking.

 

 

She stopped being MY legitimate friend, when she was unresponsive to me since we had last spent time together.

 

With women, the best way to deal with them is to let your intentions be known from the get so they don't feel as if you snuck up on them. I'm not sure if you did this or not?

[jobaba]

Erm, it's actually not my ego speaking. It's my common sense.

 

I'm not too interested in being friends with guys, anyway. I'd rather be friends with other women. And if I am interested romantically in a guy, I would find it extremely difficult to pretend I am not and just be his friend. it would drive me crazy to see him with other women, etc. Why in the world would I welcome that? I have enough friends, I am not interested in approaching or gaining new men as friends, quite franky.

 

It's pretty funny actually.

 

From your avatar and handle, I'm picturing you as a hippiesh, liberal, vegetarian hipsterish girl. Yoko Ono, Zooey Daschenal. Girls like that always have male friends.

 

I can't really see how one doesn't have friends from the opposite sex. For one ... if anyone ever goes through graduate school, it is impossible to get through without having 'friends' of the opposite sex.

 

I used to hang out with guys every single weekend when I was in my teens and early 20s. Just a freakin c@ckfest every single weekend. It got the point where it was so lame.

 

But to each his own...

Edited January 28, 2012 by jobaba

[jobaba]

I believe that is the key issue.

 

Most women have plenty of guy friends and she knows that they want to be more than friends with her.

 

A man who just wants to be her friend and nothing more is rare, for obvious reasons. So when a platonic guy friend suddenly wants more, she feels that she lost a friend; and in return only getting just another guy who wants her.

 

What I don't understand is why a woman even wants a platonic male friend and prefers that over guys who are interested in her.

 

It's the whole cake eating thing.

 

Everybody needs something in their life to complain about.

 

For guys like you and I, it's not being able to get a woman and getting friendzoned by women we get to know intently.

 

For the OP's friend her gripe is that she can't get men to stay friends with her because she is too attractive. Griping about that takes a certain degree of audacity within itself.

 

But her reaction to the OP's actions are somewhere between divaish and downright non-human selfish.

 

Everybody is allowed to grieve and do weird stuff after getting rejected. Including cutting all contact. For anybody who can't sympathize with that ... you're selfish and hearltess...

[Cypress25]

What I don't understand is why a woman even wants a platonic male friend and prefers that over guys who are interested in her.

 

She doesn't prefer platonic male friends over guys who are interested in her, she just prefers to be interested in the guys who are interested in her. If she's not interested in them, she figures there's no harm in just being friends. Men and women can actually have great friendships, but not if one of them is harboring an obsessive attraction.

 

Personally, I've always had more guy friends than girl friends. I get along better with guys, they're easier to be with, more fun to hang out with. Girls tend to be catty and manipulative with each other, not to mention all the vicious gossip they engage in. In general, guys are more laid-back and easygoing. It's never been a problem for me. Most of my guy friends never hit on me. The ones who did, I turned them down nicely, they respected it, and life went on. They eventually started dating other girls, and we remained friends.

 

Maybe the reason we were able to remain friends is because they didn't keep trying to hit on me. They didn't cling to false hope that I might change my mind someday, and they didn't let their attraction to me take over their lives. They just added me to their group of friends and directed their romantic interests elsewhere.

 

Being friends with a girl you have a crush on doesn't have to be a big deal. It's only a big deal if you keep pining for her. I've been friends with guys that I had a crush on. I couldn't date them for whatever reason (they were already taken, they weren't interested, etc) but that didn't ruin the friendship. I just knew that they were unavailable to me and I got over it, and learned to see them as just friends. If you can't manage to do that, then I guess you should never be friends with someone you're attracted to.

[Ross MwcFan]

Recently, I had a woman severe ties with me....why? Because she found out that I wanted to date her, and not be her friend. She found this to be quite superficial,that a man can't be just friends with her, and fault him for asking her out or finding a romantic interest in her.

 

You know, the kind of human behavior that let our planet go forth and populate itself?

 

This got me wondering, have SOME women reached a WHOLE new level of thinking this way? Seriously?

 

The way she is thinking is normal.

 

She saw you as a friend, yet you didn't want to be friends with her. So why would she stick around, why would someone continue to hang out with a person who didn't want to be friends with them?

 

The reason why she cut ties with you wasn't because you wanted to date her.

Edited January 28, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[irc333]

With women, the best way to deal with them is to let your intentions be known from the get so they don't feel as if you snuck up on them. I'm not sure if you did this or not?

 

 

Define "Get go"

 

Too soon, means you're too forward, to slow....you're friendzoned.

 

I have a male friend of mine that actually prefers to familiarize himself with all women in a more group-like social setting. Apparently, he sees it as a way to not make any sudden moves, because she's heard these ladies talk about men that try to get their phone # in the first conversation, and he kind of chuckles at the failures these men have made, while he's acquired many female friends phone # over the periods of months he's been hanging out with them.

 

He doesn't even ask them out on "dates" technically. He just asks them to ...how he says

 

"There's this event in town, and it's a pretty fun event, where you do this and this." And he continues you should refer to it as a "fun" activity that both you and her can enjoy and have "fun" times together

 

He overuses the word "fun" and runs that term into the ground constantly when he talksa bout spending time with a woman.

 

He likes being known as the "fun" guy in circle of friends, too....and suggests I should feel the same way. That way, if a woman sees you're having a good time, that WILL in itself, be attractive to a woman.

 

True? Yes...no??

 

He said they like the fact he never "hits" on them.

[carhill]

This got me wondering, have SOME women reached a WHOLE new level of thinking this way? Seriously?

 

Nothing new to me. I've got anecdotes all the way back into the 1970's.

 

Even though the methodology sounds a bit harsh, in actuality, compared to the emotional vampires, she did you a favor.

 

TBH, after decades of being forced to make snap judgments (is she attractive or not; do I ask her out in ten seconds or not) about people in this realm, I'm happy to have retired. Life is so much better now.

 

I'll have to search LS to find anecdotes from women who've 'gotten to know' a man whom at first wasn't attractive to them and how continued contact with that man caused their feelings to change at some point and how that went. I'm sure it'll be interesting reading.

 

Good luck OP; I don't envy you.

[MGD3]

Sigh

 

Men get offended when a woman just wants to be friends with a guy.

 

Women get offended when a man just wants to date her.

 

Agreed. In general men should be straight up from the start about dating with a woman but even then you gotta be careful not to scare her off making yourself too obvious, easy to get, thirsty, and stay mysterious. Lace it but don't chase it some famous emcee said it best! F%$# it, focus on your own happiness and get stronger as a masculine male and forget women for awhile.

[veggirl]

It's pretty funny actually.

 

From your avatar and handle, I'm picturing you as a hippiesh, liberal, vegetarian hipsterish girl. Yoko Ono, Zooey Daschenal. Girls like that always have male friends.

 

I can't really see how one doesn't have friends from the opposite sex. For one ... if anyone ever goes through graduate school, it is impossible to get through without having 'friends' of the opposite sex.

 

I used to hang out with guys every single weekend when I was in my teens and early 20s. Just a freakin c@ckfest every single weekend. It got the point where it was so lame.

 

But to each his own...

 

Vegetarian- yes. Hippie- it's been said about me

 

I don't have any close male friends. I didn't go through grad school, either.

 

I'm not really interested in hanging out with guys as friends. I don't find I connect the way I want to as friends with them. If I connected platonically and had a great friendship with a guy- cool. But if it wasn't completely platonic on my end and I wanted more, then it just seems I'd be hurt by continuing a friendship when a friendship isn't what I want from him.

[counterman]

Define "Get go"

 

Too soon, means you're too forward, to slow....you're friendzoned.

 

I have a male friend of mine that actually prefers to familiarize himself with all women in a more group-like social setting. Apparently, he sees it as a way to not make any sudden moves, because she's heard these ladies talk about men that try to get their phone # in the first conversation, and he kind of chuckles at the failures these men have made, while he's acquired many female friends phone # over the periods of months he's been hanging out with them.

 

He doesn't even ask them out on "dates" technically. He just asks them to ...how he says

 

"There's this event in town, and it's a pretty fun event, where you do this and this." And he continues you should refer to it as a "fun" activity that both you and her can enjoy and have "fun" times together

 

He overuses the word "fun" and runs that term into the ground constantly when he talksa bout spending time with a woman.

 

He likes being known as the "fun" guy in circle of friends, too....and suggests I should feel the same way. That way, if a woman sees you're having a good time, that WILL in itself, be attractive to a woman.

 

True? Yes...no??

 

He said they like the fact he never "hits" on them.

 

It depends. If it's forced, as in you have to put in effort to appear to have fun and it's not your natural style, it may not work and I've seen guys who try this to be the fun guy and fail miserably because they're just not that. However, it's possible to change your mindset to this and work at it, just really enjoy hanging out.

 

A few years back, I've had several girls interested in me without me asking them out. I didn't focus on having fun, in fact I didn't even think of asking them out because we enjoyed hanging so much. I realised they were interested in me when they started striking conversations regularly and asking me out. I find that in a situation like that with mutual friends around, they get to see more of my personality and that's a more accurate illustration of me compared to a first impression made my a cold approach. The important thing was I was never labelled a 'friend' by these particular girls but if they weren't attracted to me, then I would be a 'friend' if that makes sense. Also, they never knew where they stood with me; I was a challenge and always flirted and teased them, I was interacting with other girls as well, so I wasn't pouring my time into one girl. When girls see you in your natural element, interacting with others and enjoying yourself, you have social proof as well. No one wants to be around a guy who's a downer.

 

However, when you see an attractive girl on the street or somewhere, you have no other way then to strike up a conversation with her and get her number to hopefully meet up again later or you could ask her out then and there. Some girls do not like this, some don't mind, YMMV.

 

I had an instant where I was friends with a girl for many months before we started dating. It was a feeling out each other period for us but we both knew we were attracted to each other.

 

I've seen instances where the attraction was only one-sided and friendship didn't help the girl become more attracted to the guy. I've also seen cases where the guy was head-over heels for the girl and after several years of being friends, she grows to like him.

 

So yeah, it's not black and white but most important thing I think is that you're true to yourself in what you want and to make sure that you are actually enjoying yourself. You could try tagging along with your friend and hanging out with these girls and seeing the dynamic. I'm guessing it would be 'fun'. Also, if you're enjoying cold-approaching girls, continue to do so. One mistake I've made a few times was not make my interest clear enough and going for what I want.

[irc333]

That's a pretty example of what I think how my male friend compares to what you've been doing.

 

He was even invited out by a female friend to join her and one other guy friend and some women 3-women/2-men ratio. For out boating. They just had fun skiing together, swimming, and laughing.

 

That's all they did, but he just built up a reputation of being viewed as a guy that can be himself, without even throwing in a flirtatious comment.

 

He'll ask a woman out, but it won't be a "date", persee though.

 

He's even a part of the German Society group that gets together once a month at a German restaurant for food and socializing.

 

He's not a casanova, but ...you know I haven't asked him if most of the women actually found him attractive or not.

 

I feel like asking him, "Doesn't being put in the friendzone frustrate you sometimes?" I feel like he might be the few men that would say no to that. lol

 

 

 

 

 

It depends. If it's forced, as in you have to put in effort to appear to have fun and it's not your natural style, it may not work and I've seen guys who try this to be the fun guy and fail miserably because they're just not that. However, it's possible to change your mindset to this and work at it, just really enjoy hanging out.

 

A few years back, I've had several girls interested in me without me asking them out. I didn't focus on having fun, in fact I didn't even think of asking them out because we enjoyed hanging so much. I realised they were interested in me when they started striking conversations regularly and asking me out. I find that in a situation like that with mutual friends around, they get to see more of my personality and that's a more accurate illustration of me compared to a first impression made my a cold approach. The important thing was I was never labelled a 'friend' by these particular girls but if they weren't attracted to me, then I would be a 'friend' if that makes sense. Also, they never knew where they stood with me; I was a challenge and always flirted and teased them, I was interacting with other girls as well, so I wasn't pouring my time into one girl. When girls see you in your natural element, interacting with others and enjoying yourself, you have social proof as well. No one wants to be around a guy who's a downer.

 

However, when you see an attractive girl on the street or somewhere, you have no other way then to strike up a conversation with her and get her number to hopefully meet up again later or you could ask her out then and there. Some girls do not like this, some don't mind, YMMV.

 

I had an instant where I was friends with a girl for many months before we started dating. It was a feeling out each other period for us but we both knew we were attracted to each other.

 

I've seen instances where the attraction was only one-sided and friendship didn't help the girl become more attracted to the guy. I've also seen cases where the guy was head-over heels for the girl and after several years of being friends, she grows to like him.

 

So yeah, it's not black and white but most important thing I think is that you're true to yourself in what you want and to make sure that you are actually enjoying yourself. You could try tagging along with your friend and hanging out with these girls and seeing the dynamic. I'm guessing it would be 'fun'. Also, if you're enjoying cold-approaching girls, continue to do so. One mistake I've made a few times was not make my interest clear enough and going for what I want.