6 months today since the BU. Half a year later and I've been reflecting today...

[fificremefarben]

Forgive me, but most of what follows will just be ramblings that have been going through my head today. Feels good to just write it out. Any insight/thoughts offered would be greatly appreciated though.

 

We had so much history together (friendship and romantic) that I still can't believe he ended it in the cowardly way that he did. It's not bad enough that he lied about why he was breaking up with me, TEXTED me a month later to admit that it had been another woman but that also all i asked of him was to at least explain all of this face-to-face to me so I could attempt to get some closure and he just said that we had nothing to talk about and stopped contacting me/responding to my contact (the last message I sent him, I mean. At no point afterwards did i hound him with texts/calls).

 

How could he just drop the four-year relationship in such a disgusting way and dive immediately into the new one. I'll never understand how someone could have that on their conscience and function normally.

 

Surely if he could behave like that towards the end then he never really cared about me/loved me (despite me thinking that we had the love story of the century, as im sure all first-time lovers do). We just went through so many things together and were each others rocks for so long that I can't quite bring myself to believe that he never cared about me, but his behaviour towards the end and the way he handled everything makes me think that he never gave a ****, that I had it so wrong for 4 years. You couldn't do that to someone that you once cared/loved/respected, even. You just couldn't...

 

 

 

Woooft, felt good to write those thoughts down. They've been swirling round my head all day.

 

To clarify, he's sproven himself to be such a complete t**t that I'm over HIM and the relationship (it's all tainted now and he's not the guy I fell in love with all those years ago), but I am still hurting SO much over what he did and how he did it, I can't even begin to express it. After 6 months this is beginning to worry me. Surely the hurt should be dissipating by now..

 

Anyway, it was good to get all of that out, and thanks to anyone who read it xx

 

full story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t304090/

[Sugarkane]

Hi I can totally relate. Makes a change from all the "I'm good friends with my exes" threads on here. Some people don't deserve that. I don't understand it either. It seems no matter how long you've been with someone, they can still pull The coward BS on you. As if being dumped wasn't bad enough. I don't know. It seems once they're out, they'll do wgatever they can to justify being a complete jerk?

[dicky_fish]

6 months is an interesting milestone isn't it? You should look back through my threads and find my 6 month post - very similar to yours if I remember right. Don't worry about the "shoulds" though. It's your rate of healing, no one elses so take your time to go through what you need to. I hit 8 months this week and I was reduced ro tears over her during my therapy session this week.

[fificremefarben]

Thanks for the thoughts/advice, guys.

 

Dicky fish, do you find that therapy has helped you a lot?

 

It's just the lack of respect after so many years that gets me. I keep thinking one day he'll send at least an apology my way or something. I'm not perfect, but I don't think I deserved what he did to me and the way he did it. Surely if you've been with someone for that long and leave them in a ****ty way you have to feel some level of guilt, right??

[dicky_fish]

Once you find the right therapist then it works wonders.

 

I get the respect thing too, and it's infuriating! It's a maturity thing I guess, I'd imagine when our exes have done a little growing up we'll eventually get that apology, but I'm not holding my breath for getting mine any time soon.

[lilyblue]

Thanks for the thoughts/advice, guys.

 

Dicky fish, do you find that therapy has helped you a lot?

 

It's just the lack of respect after so many years that gets me. I keep thinking one day he'll send at least an apology my way or something. I'm not perfect, but I don't think I deserved what he did to me and the way he did it. Surely if you've been with someone for that long and leave them in a ****ty way you have to feel some level of guilt, right??

 

That is one of the things I struggle with the most too fifi, the complete lack of respect drives me crazy. We have similar stories, although I wasn't in a relationship as long as you were, years of friendship and then left out of the blue for someone else (in my case the ex-wife). I know I shouldn't concern myself with him but I do hope he feels some guilt. Any normal person would right? Maybe eventually we'll get an apology, but reading here with all the exes coming back it also seems like it's getting less and less likely as time goes on. Feels like there's a lot of people saying things like "I finally heard from him" and it's been... 3 weeks for them.

 

Anyway, a little bit of a tangent, sorry. But I do understand how you feel. It's such a disrespectful move on their part and it is really hard to get past that.

[fificremefarben]

Maybe eventually we'll get an apology, but reading here with all the exes coming back it also seems like it's getting less and less likely as time goes on. Feels like there's a lot of people saying things like "I finally heard from him" and it's been... 3 weeks for them.

.

 

I feel exactly the same way! I read these posts of exes getting back in touch after a few weeks and it makes me wonder whether there's a time limit for your ex giving you an apology and if he doesn't/hasn't then he obviously didn't give a crap about what he did.

 

I hope one day the apology/discussion will come but I'm starting to think that if it doesn't come within the first few weeks/months (with the immediate guilt) then it's not coming at all. I wonder if people just sit up one day and realise "Jeez, I was such a...(insert word)". I think that the longer it goes the easier it is to bury those feelings because you don't have to see the person you hurt every day.

 

Euch, this breakup has turned me into a very negative person . I need to get that fixed, lol.

 

It's comforting to know someone is in the same boat, Lily . Just think, this time next year we'll wonder what we were ever so upset about!

 

x

[lilyblue]

I feel exactly the same way! I read these posts of exes getting back in touch after a few weeks and it makes me wonder whether there's a time limit for your ex giving you an apology and if he doesn't/hasn't then he obviously didn't give a crap about what he did.

 

I hope one day the apology/discussion will come but I'm starting to think that if it doesn't come within the first few weeks/months (with the immediate guilt) then it's not coming at all. I wonder if people just sit up one day and realise "Jeez, I was such a...(insert word)". I think that the longer it goes the easier it is to bury those feelings because you don't have to see the person you hurt every day.

 

Euch, this breakup has turned me into a very negative person . I need to get that fixed, lol.

 

It's comforting to know someone is in the same boat, Lily . Just think, this time next year we'll wonder what we were ever so upset about!

 

x

 

I hope this is better in a year!!

 

I think I posted about another one of my exes on here once or twice, so sorry if this is a repeat (it might have been to you?), but it sometimes helps me to consider this. I was with a guy for a couple years (never really committed relationship, but dating). He moved away, things stayed the same between us for about 6 months. He came to visit, saw me once and then started avoiding me. He went back home and I never heard from him again. Unlike my current ex situation it was never really a great relationship so I thought maybe it was best if I just let him go and I would eventually get over it. 6 months later I was still struggling. Then one day I got a text from him that said he was outside my house and wanted to apologize if I'd let him (keep in mind he had moved 1000 miles away). I was astounded. Eventually I let him come over and he apologized for hours, saying he felt guilty the whole time, thought about me every day, and didn't know how to handle it, and eventually so much time had passed that he felt like he had no idea how to approach me and thought I would be so mad.

 

This was a guy who was never really THAT invested in me and not someone who ever thinks he's wrong, and he came back after a significant amount of time. He didn't want a relationship, he wanted to apologize. We're friends now and everything is fine between us.

 

Not that I would ever feel capable of doing what our exes did to us, but putting yourself in their shoes, do you think you would forget the guilt, or it would grow? I think for me it would grow over time, but I'm not sure.

[fificremefarben]

I hope this is better in a year!!

 

I think I posted about another one of my exes on here once or twice, so sorry if this is a repeat (it might have been to you?), but it sometimes helps me to consider this. I was with a guy for a couple years (never really committed relationship, but dating). He moved away, things stayed the same between us for about 6 months. He came to visit, saw me once and then started avoiding me. He went back home and I never heard from him again. Unlike my current ex situation it was never really a great relationship so I thought maybe it was best if I just let him go and I would eventually get over it. 6 months later I was still struggling. Then one day I got a text from him that said he was outside my house and wanted to apologize if I'd let him (keep in mind he had moved 1000 miles away). I was astounded. Eventually I let him come over and he apologized for hours, saying he felt guilty the whole time, thought about me every day, and didn't know how to handle it, and eventually so much time had passed that he felt like he had no idea how to approach me and thought I would be so mad.

 

This was a guy who was never really THAT invested in me and not someone who ever thinks he's wrong, and he came back after a significant amount of time. He didn't want a relationship, he wanted to apologize. We're friends now and everything is fine between us.

 

Not that I would ever feel capable of doing what our exes did to us, but putting yourself in their shoes, do you think you would forget the guilt, or it would grow? I think for me it would grow over time, but I'm not sure.

 

I hadn't heard that story, Lily, but it does indeed give me some hope .

I'd like to think that, if it was me who was the dumper in my situation, that I'd feel guilty. I suppose that while he's still with the OW he won't acknowledge any of it though, right?

[Sugarkane]

You may never get an apology trust me! Pigs might fly in the mean time. From reading baggagereclaim, they can still be a complete jerk and still blame you Years later.

[I have no title]

You may never get an apology trust me! Pigs might fly in the mean time. From reading baggagereclaim, they can still be a complete jerk and still blame you Years later.

 

That's what I was just about to say...Its been 1.5 year NC with my ex who dumped me for another girl and with whom I have been together for 1.5 year....the break up was really ugly and he behaved like a total ****, but yeah, I haven't heard a single word of apology....seems like those people dont give a single f*** about how much they've hurt us...Im sure they do realize in most cases that they've deeply hurt us, but they are just too damn selfish and egoistical to ever apologize. They only care about themselves, and I am really angry sometimes that I have wasted my love and time for somebody who clearly did not give a f***!

Im completely over it, but just the lack of respect for that person always brings up negative emotions into me, and whenever I speak about him I just can't express myself politely.

[lilyblue]

I agree there is a chance (maybe a very good chance) that it will not happen. But just from my experience, even if it takes a long time, it still might happen. In my current situation nothing bad happened between us, I'm sure he would readily admit that I had nothing to be blamed for. His ex-wife came back, and he made his choice.

 

The ex that came back, he was one of the people I would have picked least likely to ever apologize for anything. My last ex is much less defensive and more self-aware (sad to say after what he did). I just can't believe this will last forever.

 

But fifi, you're right, I do not expect to hear a thing from him while they are still together. It's been made clear that she doesn't want him to have any contact with me.

[sleepykitten]

I can relate to this thread totally. I did get an apology but only because i e mailed and he replied, he said he felt ashamed and almost embarassed at his behaviour to me and he thought I hated him (i had never given him any indication that i had) I think his "apology" was more for his benifit as he kept on about him not being "a bad person" and also it didnt come out of the blue and off his own back, but he is a total coward and has a few issues with admitting and facing up to certain things. Nevertheless, I still analysed the e mail a million times and it brought up more questions etc, so even if you do get an apology/explanation chances are it wont undo any of the hurt or draw a line under it. For me it made me realise more than anything before that I am better without him and it was my lack of self worth and insecurity that kept me clinging on for so long both at the end of the relationship and the months that followed. It probably was the best thing to happen to me as i had alot of issues of my own to face up to and deal with.