misstrendy Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=violet][/color] I am very new to the dating life. I've been divorced and out there now since last September. I started seeing someone I really care about last January. We spend most of my free time together and he makes me feel very happy. He's been in some bad relationships before me, as I obviously have been as well. We relate to each other wonderfully and are best friends. The Issue: he has a complete fear of commitment. At first it really bothered me. But as we talked about it I grew to understand his fears and try to alleviate them. But I still could not get through. He felt he still wanted to see other people. His feelings for me are genuine and heartfelt as mine are for him. He says he cares a lot about me, so to me this would mean...I don't need anyone else. But I'm not sure if I am asking too much, too soon. So I could really get an picture of what his idea of seeing other people was, I asked him for his complete honesty. I said, I want to know when you are going out with someone else. And now for the 1st time, he tells me he has a date. My heart just sunk. I'm not sure how to react. I love this guy, but clearly he's also looking elsewhere. What do I even say??
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 The first thing you need to determine for yourself is whether you feel emotionally comfortable and physically safe being sexually intimate with a man who has numerous sex partners. Giving that part of yourself away won’t inspire any commitment of monogamy from him whatsoever if his heart just isn’t in it. Don’t wear yourself out trying to get him to view relationships in the same way that you do. Neither of you are ‘wrong’… just different. You can express to him how you feel, but don’t expect him to agree. Nor should you surrender your ideals and force yourself to become someone you’re not if it makes you feel uncomfortable in any way. Instead, decide where your boundaries are and stick to them. He will have to respect your point of view as much as he expects you to understand his. If this means going your separate ways, then so be it. I think if you enjoy this man’s friendship and company, then you can still share that aspect of your relationship without sacrificing your morals and that which defines you as a person. You don’t have to have to give away that very precious part of yourself if you feel that gift of intimacy would not be appreciated or reciprocated in the way you have come to expect. If it’s not special to him, then it won’t feel special to you. Date him, hang out with him…do all the things you enjoy doing, but meanwhile leave your heart and mind open for the chance that someone else may come along who will make a more suitable romantic partner for you. He’ll have to accept his place as “just a friend” in your life and be ready to step back and take a second seat to that new man who might come along. Just as you will have to accept that he is romantically interested in other women, as well. I guarantee, once you have drawn your line in the sand and taken full charge over your own life and decisions, you will find absolute relief in the fact that you are not one of the many other women who will have their hearts broken. You will not be subjected to wondering and worrying if/when this guy will finally commit. You will not have given away anything you couldn’t afford to lose, and you will have established a place in his life (as a friend) separate, unique and apart from the many other females who will come and go. And all the while…keeping your dignity and self respect intact. Believe me, when the day comes when you are swept off your feet by another man, your buddy will be back begging for that commitment you once asked him for. Hopefully, by then, you will have gotten over your initial attraction to him and will be ready to move on. I think it is soooooo important that we females learn to love and respect ourselves first and foremost. Each other, second. We are so much more than the sum of our physical parts and our personal power doesn’t rest solely in our sexuality or how physically desirable our male counterparts find us. We have absolute jurisdiction over our own emotional and physical well-being and do not have to “give it all away” to every guy who comes along in our desperate attempt to find love and acceptance. Once more women learn to respect themselves, perhaps more men will learn to respect us.
kk'slove Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 Wow Enigma that was great advice. Misstrendy, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice because I'm going through the same thing. It makes you wonder what they haven't found in you that they would even consider looking some place else, right? Is it possible that they will wake up and realize that they have everything right there already....I don't know but I sure hope so. Can any man explain to us, why you keep looking? Is it because you feel like you might get something better? What is better then someone dealing with your broken hearts and committment phobic issues and still putting the effort and heart in it to stay around and wait? What else can you want?
Author misstrendy Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 Thank you both. Enigma, your words are inspiring! You eloquently state what we all should try to incorporate, self respect and love. And KK, we'll figure it all out in the end. I have strong faith and belief in love and its many wonders and mysteries.
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