kourix Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 my dad passed away last night in the hospital due to complications from surgery. i wasn't very close to him after he left us, but i was there, holding his hand when he passed away. i was upset, afterall he was my dad. and i've been broken up with X since november, recently i texted him again to get help with French, thinking i was over it and could handle us being friends - i think i was, and still am, in denial. no matter, what happened was that he, after some back and forth, said he wouldn't mind us meeting up again and would let me know when he was free since i told him i wasn't free right then when he wanted to meet. this was sometime earlier this week, on tuesday. my dad got complications on wednesday, and he passed on thursday night. i know, me and X aren't really considered friends, but i wanted comfort, particularly from him. i texted my close friends too (i didn't see the need to inform everyone, just the people close to me), and then at around 11pm, i texted him. i simply said "hello". usually he'd reply. this time, he didn't. he still hasn't. it's 12.30am Saturday now, and he hasn't responded, although judging from whatsapp's timeline, he's read my message. this is the first time he hasn't replied to me. i don't mean to be paranoid, but i can tell he's avoiding me, or don't wish to speak to me, because previously, when we were dating, or even when he came running back the first time, he would reply me within 15 mins, if not immediately. he's always with his phone, so this is something out of the ordinary. and i don't stalk him, but this has made me feel like a stalker, like he actually doesn't want me in his life, and finds me annoying. but i guess this is fate. a friend of mine told me - everything happens for a reason. when he brought up with his girlfriend and she chose to find him on the one day that he was busy and couldn't see her and she was left waiting for over an hour outside his house - he told me, "this would have never happened on any other day. i would have gone running to her, but on this day, i couldn't make it." it's fate. i don't know why i simply said hello. i texted everyone else with the news immediately. "he's gone." or "hey, my dad's passed on.", stuff like that. i guess with X, because he wasn't someone close, i didn't want to text him with the news out of the blue, something in me just made me want to reach out to him and see if he'd even want to speak to me, before telling him something big like this. but he didn't, so i didn't tell him, and i don't have any intention to if he never speaks to me again. some say i shouldn't have even bothered messaging him because we aren't even really friends, and never started out as friends. but i just didn't want it to be awkward if he did ask me out when he was free, and i would mention "oh my dad just passed away", as if it wasn't a big deal. it was, and seeing that there was a chance we might hang out soon, i felt he was someone who should know about it, and yes, a part of me wanted him to show his concern. i wanted him to offer a meetup to console me, i wanted him to be the one who hugged me. but he simply ignored me. and all i'm telling myself is, it's fate. and i feel like a loser, talking to someone who doesn't want to talk to me, and all i can hope for is this, like what a friend of mine said; "i hope he doesn't contact you ever again for your sake." because she knows if he messages me, i'd reply. and the weird thing is, i've had deeper relations with other people, and i've never been this kind of girl. i left with my dignity, even with a relationship that lasted two years. but with him, i keep trying, and we dated for like a month-ish, and was together for like a couple of weeks before he decided he "didn't really want a rs after all". and he's hurt me not once, but thrice and is till wanted to be friends with him. but if he doesn't message me ever, i won't contact him again, not after me saying "hello" and not getting a response. maybe it's childish, maybe it's stupid, but that's the way i am. i reached out and if he chooses not to reply, i'm taking as him not wanting anything to do with me, and i'll be okay. i wanted revenge in the past, i wanted to seduce him, and if i still did, i'd be insistent, but not anymore. sometimes you just have to learn to let go. it's fate. and i hope he never contacts me again.
geegirl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Kourix. I hope you find the support from friends and family during this difficult time rather than reaching out to those that have failed you. You need positive people around you now. I believe you have to start taking accountability for your own actions. This is the man that you dated for only two months and you stated: 1) douchey 2) never made you feel safe 3) once said, "I miss you...a little." 4) you know has no care for you 5) only wanted sex French lessons was just your way of trying to rope him back into your life. Let's be honest. Why do we always expect care and kindness from people that have consistently exhibited poor behaviors? You want him to care for you so badly that you hoped the severity of your pain (losing your father) would somehow ignite some sort of validation or acknowledgement from him. Find it from those that truly care and love you. Stop seeking it from those that cannot give it to you. Your self-esteem is so low that it is seeking attention of any form. Don't place responsibility on him to cease contacting you. It's your responsibility to take care of you. You can keep on with this cycle or you can break it. Just realize it is no one else's fault but yours if you continue down this route.
Recommended Posts