I'm making teenager mistakes at 28.

[Hibou]

I'm approaching 30, and I've never had a boyfriend. After I hit about 21, I wasn't really even interested in dating. I had hookups now and then, and a crush here and there, but men weren't really a big part of my life. I liked it that way.

 

This summer, I met a guy at a company picnic. We went home for a sordid fling, but walked around my neighborhood talking the whole next day. We both agreed that day that we felt like this was something special. I fell hard and fast!

 

He was literally JUST breaking up with a girlfriend, so obviously it wasn't a good time for him to get into anything. We gradually started spending a lot of time together, and I didn't really feel like we had to rush anything. We were enjoying each other.

 

Then I started noticing the drinking. I've spent enough time around addicts to know one when I see one, and slamming 3-4 beers in the morning just to feel normal is not OK. I didn't notice the volume he was consuming at first because he was sneaking drinks here and there, and he never seemed drunk.

 

Long story short, he started to pull away when I started to show concern. He listened to me spilling my guts out and showed a lot of concern and insight, but would never let me reciprocate that. We both agreed after having been dating for 5 months that he needed space. His spin on it was "I need time to process my breakup", which I'm sure is true, but I think he just wanted to be able to self-destruct in solitude. We stopped communication.

 

I lost my job last month, and when he found out, he surprised me by coming over immediately. He listened to what I had to say, and gave me a pep talk about my gifts as a journalist and how I can start developing them (he's a writer and his family is in publishing). He practically filled out my Unemployment Insurance application for me, washed my dishes, swept my floor, made me laugh, and was basically a fantastic friend.

 

That got my hopes up that he was doing better, and that in no time we'd be friends again (if not madly in love). It turns out that he's still drinking heavily and has been seeing other women. How could I have been so stupid?

 

I just don't get it. First he's pushing me away and ignoring me, then he'll come through for me and hit a home run. I either feel like I'm really special to him, or like I'm totally disposable.

 

I'll be seeing him in a couple of days, and I have so many feelings that I don't even know which ones will come out. I'm excited to see him again, disgusted with myself for being excited, broken-hearted that he gave me up to lead what seems like an empty life, furious that he was reckless with my emotions, and sick with worry for him. I always go back to disgusted with myself, though, because I fell in love (for the first time, at age 28) and got my heart broken without really having gotten a relationship out of it.

 

What do I do? Try to play it cool and just be casual friends like he wants? Try and help him so if and when he decides to get help, he has support? Or, should I just walk away?

[Philosoraptor]

I think you need to back off and give him plenty of time to heal. He bounced from her to you, as many do, and odds are he is avoiding the emotional fallout by hopping into something with you.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if the drinking issue is one that aided into the ending of his last relationship and when it came up again it was too close for comfort.

 

I would tell him you will be able to continue with him after he takes time to heal from his past relationship. Odds are he either pushes you very hard, or leaves and jumps onto someone else.

[Ajax]

I don't think you're making teenager mistakes. Human ones maybe, but not teenager ones.

 

As you realize, this man needs to get his stuff together before he can be in a healthy relationship. It's that or nothing.

 

As for yourself, you're 28. What do you want from life? You mentioned that you never really had a boyfriend before this man and were content with that. Why was this the case? Do you want a long term relationship in the future? Marriage? Family? Or no?

 

How about professionally? I'm sorry you lost your job. I'm also 28 and only working part time. I know it's rough having your career in limbo. But what do you ideally want to do? What kind of career do you see yourself with? Would you relocate?

 

I think that a lot of times when relationships fail, one of the things people have a hard time doing is seeing the way forward. When mine failed over a year ago, I lost my direction. I didn't know what to do, and so my future looked pretty bleak. Once I got my bearings and regained my focus, I was still heartbroken, but at least moving forward again.

 

I think it would be a good idea to do some thinking and soul searching as to what you want. Once you do, you may see that the future is just as bright, if not brighter, without this man. Not to say that what you feel for him doesn't matter, just that there may be someone or something better for you on your horizon.

[Frank13]

I think the main problem here is his drinking. Three or four beers in the morning? The guy is a drunkard. It is only going to get worse. All the other stuff is the least of your problems. Be glad this never developed into a relationship.

 

I say walk away from this one.