Viking Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 (edited) So, I am wondering about if you're dating someone who doesn't have the same educational background as you. I have two bachelors degrees and a certificate to teach English, and I'm proud that I finished university and am educated. I am starting to date a girl who went straight from high school into the work world and hasn't really pursued an education. I met her at the doctor's office I go to, but she's a receptionist. Has anyone found it a big deal or difficult to date someone who has not gone to school or is not on the same "level"? I am not trying to be judgmental, but I don't know if I should stick to my own "kind" or if dating someone who didn't go to college or really doesn't have much of a desire to do so has a downside. I never really talked with my last girlfriend about "deeper" stuff to be honest. I have other friends I discuss philosophy, politics, etc with. Sometimes I feel hindered by the disparities in our backgrounds. I am rather open and she is shy but somewhat open. I like her, but am just kind of torn. Thanks for your advice. Edited January 27, 2012 by Viking
Emilia Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I have a Bachelors degree in science and my job is cerebral but I tend to date men who are quite pragmatic and practical rather than intellectual - although the combination of the two is very cool! There are a lot of people who are bright, have a lot of common sense and generally take an interest in the world around them but who are not university educated. There are also plenty of others with MSc or PhD who are too nerdy/geeky/idealilstic because they have spent a lot of their lives 'institutionalised' and make annoying dating partners. So it depends on what matters to you really.
kaylan Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Well OP, personally, for me, I am more attracted to a girl whos on my level. In my experience women who have gone to school can usually converse with me more intellectually than others. This isnt a cut and dry rule though, but just on average I can have more intellectual conversations with someone whos been through higher education. Be it politics, religion, social issues, existentialism, philosophy, etc. I like taking about those things and would love that in a girlfriend. Also her education shows me shes ambitious and I find that attractive. A girl who wants more for herself than the typical, is very attractive to me. My ex was an english and psych major when we met...then she decided she wanted to study law and that won massive cool points from me. I just dig chicks who break out of the mold and do big things. Not to say being a receptionist isnt fine, but Im just more drawn girls who want to maximize their potential. You know?, a chick who sees more for herself then a typically lower level female job. If this gal can talk to you about the things you like, then have at it. Shes been consistently working and if shes independent and lives within her means, then she sounds ok to me. I do know how you feel though about being torn. I like a girl whos driven and confident, because I am myself. Hell, if this chick wanted to move up the reception or assistant ladder and do that job at a well paying firm, Id find that super attractive. I just like a driven attitude, never settling. I made a thread about this not too long ago...that it seems more dudes are starting to take a womans status into account when it comes to attraction. Not really because of her "level" itself, but also because that level has a certain type of personality attached to it that the guy finds attractive. Basically, like attracts like.
Philosoraptor Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 It doesn't matter to me how far they made it in school. I've met total dipwads with very high degrees. I want someone who can keep up with me intellectually. I know people with degrees, and some who never finished high school that I very much enjoy speaking with.
Professor X Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 But you are being judgmental. And besides, a Bachelor degree doesn't mean you're wise or smart it only truly means that you were willing to give x years of your life to expand your knowledge in a particular field. As a person with B.Sc, and a certificate from MS for .NET programming I can assure you I still value street wisdom more than my own education. And Emilia is right, there are plenty of each, if you wanna frame her as "stupid" only cause she never went to university, so be it, but know that by doing so, you've doomed the RS with her.
zengirl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 For me, it's always been about priorities, not intelligence. It's not about whether you could converse or be on the same level -- certainly there are a lot of dummies out there with Bachelors and you can become smart and have deep conversations with just a public library card, frankly. What a Bachelors says to me is that someone has prioritized education AT LEAST to the point to get a bare minimum degree (and that's what it is to me, really) for potentially working with their mind. It also says that the person can complete at least something, which for my generation and younger seems to be a challenge in and of itself (many more people go to college these days, but the stats continue to create an ever-growing gap between those who go and those who finish). It speaks to setting a goal and completing it. That's worthwhile, and it's really the most worthwhile thing most employers see in it too---now an Ed. Cert. like you have is also a degree that comes with some assessment of the skills you'd use in that context, and some B.A. and B.S. degrees carry that, but many more are just an assessment of basic skills and follow through. It was always important to me to marry someone who prioritized education and had those characteristics, so I generally only dated men who'd gotten a college degree. I have a Masters and am working on a PhD, so I guess Hubby and I aren't exactly "even" in education, but I know he does value it and a Bachelors is just so easy to get these days that you'd really have to not care about education to get one IMO. That said, I don't think it would particularly hinder a relationship for one partner to have a Bachelors and the other not to. It's all about the priorities each person has and wants in a mate; I did not necessarily seek a mate who has ALL the same priorities as me. Education was just one I wanted to share, which always made sense to me since it was probably the largest theme in my life (I'm one of the first in my family to go to college and worked towards it since grade school when we had no money for it -- I got major scholarships, I went back for my Masters to become a teacher, I measure years in school years (i.e. my year begins in August!) still, I felt a need and drive to go for the PhD, and I now run an educational foundation. Clearly, education matters to me. A LOT. But even I think it's silly to assume someone couldn't have 'deep' conversations because they don't have that degree, just as many people who have degrees are still bubbleheads!
GoodOnPaper Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Has anyone found it a big deal or difficult to date someone who has not gone to school or is not on the same "level"? I have a PhD and my wife has a Bachelors that took her several years to complete because she had to work full-time to pay her way through. It's not important that she doesn't understand as many technical details as I do about some subjects. What is important is that we both have the same philosophy about the importance of education and that she seems to admire and respect my level of education. When I was single, I was very interested in finding someone at my education level. Unfortunately, I found this to be the prevailing attitude among women pursuing PhDs in my area of science (substitute "PhD" for "Bachelors"): I have a Bachelors degree in science and my job is cerebral but I tend to date men who are quite pragmatic and practical rather than intellectual So don't be surprised if it's difficult to find interested women at your education level -- they may be looking for "opposites-attract" relationships. I recall chiseled blue-collar types and free-spirit artist/musician types being considered the most desirable by the female PhD candidates in my program.
tigressA Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 (edited) If you like her and appreciate what she does bring to the relationship, forget about her lack of college experience. If you can't forget about it, then you need to just dump her and let her find someone who will give her the respect, appreciation and love she should be getting instead of behind-the-back criticism and judgment for 'falling short' in your eyes. I honestly don't harbor a whole lot of respect for people who do this--they say certain things are so important for a SO to have, and once they find someone who doesn't meet that particular standard, instead of being okay with it and accepting it they just can't let that supposed shortcoming go. If you're going to date people who don't meet your standards, don't freaking judge them for not doing so. Edited January 27, 2012 by tigressA
GoodOnPaper Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I honestly don't harbor a whole lot of respect for people who do this--they say certain things are so important for a SO to have, and once they find someone who doesn't meet that particular standard, instead of being okay with it and accepting it they just can't let that supposed shortcoming go. We don't know if the OP asked her out with reservations already in mind or if he's becoming more aware of his preference for college experience because he's started to date her. Either way, I'd cut him some slack -- if this issue is really a problem, it will resolve itself because the relationship won't work for long. No big deal.
denise_xo Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I want to be with someone that I can discuss politics, philosophy, psychology etc with, and with someone who values learning, because that's very important for me and I'd like compatibility in that respect. If those qualities comes in someone without higher education, that's fine. It's about attitude and qualities, not certificates. Some level of street wise is important, too.
ditzchic Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 (edited) I have a bachelor's degree and have seriously been considering going back for a Master's and Doctorate eventually. I'm also the type that takes night classes on occassion at our local community classes when they are offering something I find interesting. Learning and being driven to learn new things is kind of a passion of mine. I won't say that someone that doesn't hold the same degrees or have the same outlook as I is a deal breaker but I've found that I'm much more compatible with the guys that generally do. I only ever date one guy who had no kind of after high school education. But he was a really smart guy and knew how to fix or build anything. I didn't judge him on his lack of education but he also ended up working in fast food instead of pursuing his passions that he was really great at. It ultimately didn't work out. But I've also dated guys that have held a ton of degrees who looked at the degrees like they were just pieces of paper. They had no meaning behind them. That was also a turn off. For me I think it's more about the passion a person has to live and learn from life. Lots of guys that have degrees but are still lazy, have no dreams, no visions and are content to sit at home on the couch. While there are guys who never went to school that have a real passion and drive for their job. They want to be the best they can at what they love. That passion is more what I look for. I don't want to get stuck with another guy texting me endlessly about how bored he is sitting at home playing video games and messing around on facebook while I'm at a class learning about something that really interests me. Edited January 27, 2012 by ditzchic
jerbear Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Well it depends on the person and conversations. I would not date a high school dropout to stay home nor a Ivy advance degree workaholic either. I've dated mostly college graduates and many are now MS/PhDs. They are no different than those with HS/BS & certifcation/certifications. They still have needs, wants, goals, put their shoes on the same way as everyone does. It comes down to priorities and circumstances that time. It is really their goals in life, who are they now, and what they want to be when they grow up.
carhill Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I would hazard a guess that I'm one of the very few men here who does not have a college degree. So far, of my LTR's and M, the ladies ran 50/50. Two were degree holders, one a CPA and the other a internal medicine MD, one was like in the OP, a lady who went to work from high school, got married, had two kids and divorced in her 30's, and my exW, who, like myself, attended college but did not graduate and was/is a fellow business owner. Personally, in romantic relationships, I haven't found education/credentials to be a marked factor, though I'm sure they are in the modern job market and perhaps in areas of social structure. The younger generations likely have their unique perspective. My life came about as the result of a CPA marrying a farm girl with an eighth grade education. In marriage, and in life, they were equals and depended on each other for their respective strengths. To me, that's what a healthy interdependent relationship is about.
tigressA Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I never really talked with my last girlfriend about "deeper" stuff to be honest. I have other friends I discuss philosophy, politics, etc with. Sometimes I feel hindered by the disparities in our backgrounds. I am rather open and she is shy but somewhat open. I like her, but am just kind of torn. Thanks for your advice. If you never talked with your last girlfriend about 'deeper' things that apparently, you think only college-educated people can, why are you holding a lack of a college education against this girl? And have you tried discussing things that interest you with your current girlfriend, or have you just assumed that because she has only a high-school diploma she's incapable and you haven't even bothered? What, exactly, is it about the difference between your backgrounds that is hindering you?
Dust Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I could care less what degree or lack of degree a woman has. Show me a woman who lives at home and never finished hs yet can still make me go wild for her and I won't give a fck. Seriously some of the stupidest people I've met have been the most educated. It's a piece of paper you got for doing a bunch of standarized bull**** involving multiple choice and memorization of essay structures. Just enjoy her if she's pretty and cute and brings that into your life. Who gives a fck if she has a bachelors or any other degree. She probably make more money then most college graduates... and if she's in debt atleast she can declare bankruptcy.
musemaj11 Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 To me education level in a woman is just like education level in a job applicant in the eyes of an employer. I mean despite not having a university degree himself, Bill Gates still requires people who work for him to have degrees. Of course a degree doesnt guarantee someone to be intelligent, but it is an undeniable fact that a university graduate is a lot more likely to be more knowledgeable and open minded than someone with little education.
thatone Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 you and me both carhill, so there's at least 2 of us. i just didn't like the structure of college. i read every day, have since i was 6 or 7 years old. i'm more of that 'street smarts, go figure it out and get it done' type person that professor x is talking about. i didn't like other people telling me what i was supposed to learn and what i was supposed to know. what if they're wrong? then i've effectively paid someone for bad advice. and i disagree musemaj11, from my experience with younger people fresh out of college, that often translates into a cocky kid who really doesn't know sh*t about sh*t, but is slightly more annoying because he thinks he does.
zengirl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 If you never talked with your last girlfriend about 'deeper' things that apparently, you think only college-educated people can, why are you holding a lack of a college education against this girl? And have you tried discussing things that interest you with your current girlfriend, or have you just assumed that because she has only a high-school diploma she's incapable and you haven't even bothered? What, exactly, is it about the difference between your backgrounds that is hindering you? Whoa, I think the guy is just asking questions. It doesn't seem like he's ever thought about this before, and this is a newer relationship. He's a young guy trying to figure things out. I think you're overreacting a tad here!
maybealone Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 For me, education has never really mattered. I think what mattered more to me was compatibility when it comes to ambition. I'd rather be relatively equally matched in what we want out of life, work wise, than what we accomplished in high school or college. All I can say is that if it is an issue, don't try to pretend it's not. I have a bachelor's degree and my husband has a master's, but it was not until many years into the marriage that he told me that it really bothers him that I only have a bachelor's.
tigressA Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Whoa, I think the guy is just asking questions. It doesn't seem like he's ever thought about this before, and this is a newer relationship. He's a young guy trying to figure things out. I think you're overreacting a tad here! Am I really? He said himself right in his OP that he feels 'hindered' by the differences. I'm asking him why that's the case. If he feels strongly enough about it to feel hindered, there must be a reason behind it.
GoodOnPaper Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Am I really? He said himself right in his OP that he feels 'hindered' by the differences. I'm asking him why that's the case. If he feels strongly enough about it to feel hindered, there must be a reason behind it. Why can't this just be a "preference"? That's what we guys are told when we struggle to attract women -- there is nothing we can do if we don't fall within their supposedly-subjective "preferences".
denise_xo Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Am I really? He said himself right in his OP that he feels 'hindered' by the differences. I'm asking him why that's the case. If he feels strongly enough about it to feel hindered, there must be a reason behind it. We can feel hindered by all kinds of differences in a relationship - social background, economic backgrounds/ current differences in income, differences in cultural backgrounds, and so on - and educational difference is one of them. Looking down upon others for their differences is one thing (which I obviously don't condone), but to expect that you might not be compatible because of one difference or another is quite normal, I think. We all seek a partner that we consider 'compatible' in certain key areas we've decided are important for us.
musemaj11 Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 you and me both carhill, so there's at least 2 of us. i just didn't like the structure of college. i read every day, have since i was 6 or 7 years old. i'm more of that 'street smarts, go figure it out and get it done' type person that professor x is talking about. i didn't like other people telling me what i was supposed to learn and what i was supposed to know. what if they're wrong? then i've effectively paid someone for bad advice. and i disagree musemaj11, from my experience with younger people fresh out of college, that often translates into a cocky kid who really doesn't know sh*t about sh*t, but is slightly more annoying because he thinks he does. You dont have a degree, do you?
aj22one Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 So, I am wondering about if you're dating someone who doesn't have the same educational background as you. I have two bachelors degrees and a certificate to teach English, and I'm proud that I finished university and am educated. I am starting to date a girl who went straight from high school into the work world and hasn't really pursued an education. I met her at the doctor's office I go to, but she's a receptionist. Has anyone found it a big deal or difficult to date someone who has not gone to school or is not on the same "level"? I am not trying to be judgmental, but I don't know if I should stick to my own "kind" or if dating someone who didn't go to college or really doesn't have much of a desire to do so has a downside. I never really talked with my last girlfriend about "deeper" stuff to be honest. I have other friends I discuss philosophy, politics, etc with. Sometimes I feel hindered by the disparities in our backgrounds. I am rather open and she is shy but somewhat open. I like her, but am just kind of torn. Thanks for your advice. So...have you tried talking to her about "deeper" stuff? With all the resources available these days (books, the internet) a lot of people who didn't go to college have access to a lot of good educational resources. You could just play it by ear. Personally, I've never dated a girl who wasn't either in college or had already graduated. Of course finding someone around here without a college education is pretty difficult. And I've dated some very educated people who have said some pretty ridiculous and off the wall things (one said "war is good for the economy" and another thought the Ottoman Empire still existed). So you just never know.
tigressA Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Why can't this just be a "preference"? That's what we guys are told when we struggle to attract women -- there is nothing we can do if we don't fall within their supposedly-subjective "preferences". That's my whole point--if it is a preference and an important one, why is the OP even dating this girl? If having gone to college is so important for him to have in a mate then he should let this girl go, or if he still likes her enough to continue dating her, forget about her lack of education beyond high school and accept her the way she is. It's total and complete douchebaggery to continue dating her and meanwhile, continue to complain that she doesn't meet his preference.
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