lilyblue Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 "Broke up" 4 months ago (he disappeared without telling me). 4 months ago yesterday was the last time he talked to me - saying his plane had landed. He ended up back with his ex-wife. We weren't together dating that long, but we were friends for years prior to that. He still circles around and around inside my head, rarely stops. I just want my friend back. I know that it's easy to ask why I would want a friend like that, but I miss him as part of my life so much. The times when I'm totally engaged in something else it seems like I will have a thought come out of nowhere about how much happier I'd be or how excited I'd be if I got to spend time with him that night. And then I realize again that he's gone. I've refrained from doing anything "crazy" ever in this whole situation, but sometimes I wish I would have thrown something through his window. I got no more respect by not doing any of those things. I got someone who ignored me and refused to speak with me. I still have such unresolved anger combined with missing him. I just wish it would lessen. I wish I could go back to when we were together. I was so happy.
Dust Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 You were with a married man. It was all lie. But you can have something real. Get out there and live your life. How old are you?
smudge21 Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 You think you want your friend back but that's only your emotions talking right now. You're still so bonded to him that you can't see the truth just yet. Once you've healed or started to heal, you'll be able to see this more clearly and start to see that he's not worth your attention. You call him a friend, yet how many other friends do you have that you'd still want to know if they treated you the same way? I really totally honestly 100% thought that I wanted her friendship above all else, just to get rid of the romantic feelings and go back to how we were. Now things have changed and I can look back over the past year and realise that she's never truly been a friend. Yeah, we got on very well and initially would be there for each other every single day, but that was in the beginning. Once it all ended where was she... just occasionally popping up to say hi, feed her ego a bit, maybe see how I am, but in reality nothing close to a friend. I am still friendly towards her, there's no hate or anger, but she's far from someone I would consider a friend. Now I'm not saying that either of us will never be friends with our exs, but we shouldn't be thinking we can whilst we're still emotionally attached. You're lying to yourself if you think you can ever be friends with an ex so shortly after a relationship break down. I also get the way you feel as she went back to her ex too. You put your heart into someone and they go back to the person they left for you. It feels as if not only were you not good enough, but you weren't even as good as the person they first left. It double hurts, so to speak.
Author lilyblue Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 You were with a married man. It was all lie. But you can have something real. Get out there and live your life. How old are you? No, he was divorced. And I'm early 30's.
Dust Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 No, he was divorced. And I'm early 30's. well little miss early 30's I'm sorry for reading that wrong. My point stands what you had was never real. I mean he's back with the woman he was married to... Means he never truely go over her. You have a big heart to care about some one so much. Now its time to open that heart back up so a man who cares and wants to protect you gets that lovin.
Author lilyblue Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 You think you want your friend back but that's only your emotions talking right now. You're still so bonded to him that you can't see the truth just yet. Once you've healed or started to heal, you'll be able to see this more clearly and start to see that he's not worth your attention. You call him a friend, yet how many other friends do you have that you'd still want to know if they treated you the same way? I really totally honestly 100% thought that I wanted her friendship above all else, just to get rid of the romantic feelings and go back to how we were. Now things have changed and I can look back over the past year and realise that she's never truly been a friend. Yeah, we got on very well and initially would be there for each other every single day, but that was in the beginning. Once it all ended where was she... just occasionally popping up to say hi, feed her ego a bit, maybe see how I am, but in reality nothing close to a friend. I am still friendly towards her, there's no hate or anger, but she's far from someone I would consider a friend. Now I'm not saying that either of us will never be friends with our exs, but we shouldn't be thinking we can whilst we're still emotionally attached. You're lying to yourself if you think you can ever be friends with an ex so shortly after a relationship break down. I also get the way you feel as she went back to her ex too. You put your heart into someone and they go back to the person they left for you. It feels as if not only were you not good enough, but you weren't even as good as the person they first left. It double hurts, so to speak. Thanks Smudge. It'd be nice to unbond. That's not happening easily though. I guess maybe they're happy together but logically it just seems so unlikely on their 3rd try that I think my brain also adds to my heart. I feel like eventually they won't last. Though who knows how long that would be though, and I obviously mentally understand that I can't just sit back and wait. My emotions just don't follow. He's not going to ever talk to me while they're together, that much I know. He didn't leave her for me, but I understand the double hurt. The situation just makes me so mad and sad!
Author lilyblue Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 well little miss early 30's I'm sorry for reading that wrong. My point stands what you had was never real. I mean he's back with the woman he was married to... Means he never truely go over her. You have a big heart to care about some one so much. Now its time to open that heart back up so a man who cares and wants to protect you gets that lovin. I guess only he knows if it was real. Seems pointless to go back out there. If I couldn't trust this person who I had such a history with, what stops anyone that I meet from doing something awful?
shayla Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Oh no! Everyone is not that way, I promise you! Just because the two of you were friends before the relationship, it doesn't mean that he was trustworthy then suddenly turned...and even if that was the case, all men are not this way! My marriage was horribly abusive, you cannot even imagine. I divorced him 18 years ago and have been in two relationships since then. My ex hurt me real bad, the one that brought me here last year. But I knew then and I know now that all men aren't the way he was. There is no way that I will let any one mans actions keep me from living and loving again. You may not be able to go back there, but you can move forward and meet someone else. Here's hoping that you do just that.
geegirl Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Seems pointless to go back out there. If I couldn't trust this person who I had such a history with, what stops anyone that I meet from doing something awful? There's never a guarantee that you will never get hurt again. It's called life. You can live or you can hide. It's these lessons that teach you to be wiser and stronger in your next endeavors. With every fall, you get back up a little more resilient than you were last. You're jaded because you are hurt. When your heart is healed, you will want to open up again to the prospect of falling in love.
M2155 Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 You're not going to forget about him or magically stop thinking about him. You need to work on how you think about him though. The fairy tale you have in mind about how happy you would be with him is just that, you're so convinced after a month it would of stayed that way and you really don't know. Yes it's unfortunate you didn't get to see how far you could go together, but you're also very fortunate you didn't waste years on him! I dont know about you getting your "friend" back, you don't see/feel for a friend this way, and when you cross that relationship line things are never the same (and you would be jealous of his ex-wife anyway). At any rate, you may not be able to not think about him, and he may be a decent guy at the core, but you really have to work on accepting that he is different from how you think and remember him.
Author lilyblue Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 Oh no! Everyone is not that way, I promise you! Just because the two of you were friends before the relationship, it doesn't mean that he was trustworthy then suddenly turned...and even if that was the case, all men are not this way! My marriage was horribly abusive, you cannot even imagine. I divorced him 18 years ago and have been in two relationships since then. My ex hurt me real bad, the one that brought me here last year. But I knew then and I know now that all men aren't the way he was. There is no way that I will let any one mans actions keep me from living and loving again. You may not be able to go back there, but you can move forward and meet someone else. Here's hoping that you do just that. You have a very inspiring attitude Shayla. Thanks for your response. I haven't quite found the resiliency that you seem to have, and clearly you have been through worse than I have. How do you even trust anyone when things have gone so badly in the past?
Author lilyblue Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 There's never a guarantee that you will never get hurt again. It's called life. You can live or you can hide. It's these lessons that teach you to be wiser and stronger in your next endeavors. With every fall, you get back up a little more resilient than you were last. You're jaded because you are hurt. When your heart is healed, you will want to open up again to the prospect of falling in love. Thanks geegirl. I think it might be a little easier if there was a lesson to be had here. I've tried to find one from the time things went bad, but I'm honestly not sure what I could have done differently, or what I should learn from this. There's not much to take from this that I can use to better myself.
Author lilyblue Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 You're not going to forget about him or magically stop thinking about him. You need to work on how you think about him though. The fairy tale you have in mind about how happy you would be with him is just that, you're so convinced after a month it would of stayed that way and you really don't know. Yes it's unfortunate you didn't get to see how far you could go together, but you're also very fortunate you didn't waste years on him! I dont know about you getting your "friend" back, you don't see/feel for a friend this way, and when you cross that relationship line things are never the same (and you would be jealous of his ex-wife anyway). At any rate, you may not be able to not think about him, and he may be a decent guy at the core, but you really have to work on accepting that he is different from how you think and remember him. This is something I struggle with too. If I think about him in a good light, I'm really sad that we're not together and/or that he's not in my life in some capacity. If I think about him negatively then I feel SO stupid for believing him/being with him/missing him/wasting time even on being his friend. Yes in some ways it's good that we didn't get years into a relationship and he did this to me, but I feel stupid that I wasted years of friendship on someone who would do this to me. Why did I ever spend all that time on him, being excited to spend time with him, when he would do this to me?
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