Girls Who Don’t Like Sex, and Girls Who Do!

[xxoo]

I have enough of an understanding of the female sex drive. What a lot of women don't seem to understand is how important sex is in an LTR.

 

I agree.

 

On the other side of the coin, a lot of men don't seem to understand how important emotional connection is in a LTR. It is the key to many women's longterm libido. There are a lot of parallels between the ways that men and women are painfully dismissive of each other's intimate needs.

[CarrieT]

But what won't be clear is whether she'll still crave sex later in the relationship because the state of the relationship and the state of her whole life down the road is unknown.

 

This is not a female-only problem and that you guys are dwelling on that aspect is troubling to me.

 

I was in a 10-year relationship where six years into the relationship, I was the one to shut down and not want sex. In retrospect, I see now that it was my deep-set resentment towards my boyfriend not fulfilling other expectations in our relationship; he didn't have his GED or a driver's license when we met and as we approached our forties, he still couldn't drive and was not doing anything to better his life and I began to resent him for it. I didn't know why at the time, but it affected my willingness to want to have sex with him when I didn't respect him.

 

Many years later - after I was out of that relationship - I was in another relationship where the GUY shut down in wanting to have sex with me after about 14 months into our relationship. I stayed in that relationship for another 18 months; begging, cajoling, pleading, etc. to try and figure out why he was no longer interested. It turns out this was his pattern with other relationships as well. There was no way for me to know that after the honeymoon phase of the relationship, I would have a guy who was no longer interested.

 

In know sexual longevity was going to be an issue in establishing a new relationship, I approached it from a different standpoint and believe I have found a solution that works for me. Instead of standard dating sites, I put myself on sex sites (BDSM, actually). I have started a relationship with a man who knows that I want more sex than he does, but by having these LONG-TERM discussions up front, I know that if we settle into a life together where it happens once or twice a week, than that will be acceptable. He won't be an every-day-kind of man but nor will he shut down completely because our relationship was started with a mutual interest in a fetish.

 

I acknowledge that only being at the start of the relationship, I have no way of knowing where we are going to end up long-term, but I can say that we are already talking about it! We believe we are going to be together for the long term (he is already discussing our retirement) and where our sexuality. It is all about communication and the fact that we have both been in sexless relationships and how to not end up there again.

 

I admit that I ended up in a sexless relationship of my own-making by not communicating with my partner. The second time I ended up in a sexless relationship, I could not get my partner to communicate with me and instead of waiting or hoping for it to change, I ended the relationship. How to ensure I don't end up in another sexless relationship is to COMMUNICATE my expectations and desires from the very beginning and beyond the honeymoon phase.

[Dust]

I agree.

 

On the other side of the coin, a lot of men don't seem to understand how important emotional connection is in a LTR. It is the key to many women's longterm libido. There are a lot of parallels between the ways that men and women are painfully dismissive of each other's intimate needs.

 

Oh god emotional connection. Men have very strong emotions just like women. Unlike women we don't enjoy communicating them. It's not good for us. So you go have a good cry for the both of us, and when your don't lets 69! haha no seriously don't give me that emotinal talk. It's disrespectful to try to turn a man into a woman.

[ditzchic]

Oh god emotional connection. Men have very strong emotions just like women. Unlike women we don't enjoy communicating them. It's not good for us. So you go have a good cry for the both of us, and when your don't lets 69! haha no seriously don't give me that emotinal talk. It's disrespectful to try to turn a man into a woman.

 

We get that you guys aren't as emotional as us. But what you guys need to understand is that it's still a need for us. We aren't saying you have to pour your heart out but you have no idea how hot you just listening, really listening, to us makes us. If a man listens to the words coming out of my mouth, nods his head a couple of times and tells me he understands, I want to climb him like a tree. If he completely ignores me, tells me I'm being too emotional or some other bs, I'm apt to want to bang his best friend instead.

[Dust]

I admit that I ended up in a sexless relationship of my own-making by not communicating with my partner. The second time I ended up in a sexless relationship, I could not get my partner to communicate with me and instead of waiting or hoping for it to change, I ended the relationship. How to ensure I don't end up in another sexless relationship is to COMMUNICATE my expectations and desires from the very beginning and beyond the honeymoon phase.

 

Well the first time you were in a sexless relationship did you just want out, but didn't realize it? I guess he should have done you a favor and ended it.

 

Second time you got one of the many men with no sex drive. I do think there are a lot of men like this. Men who have no sex drive or lose it in a LTR. Thing is there are so many women who either don't mind or put up with it you don't here it. Men who have a woman who is shutting them out sexualy is almost imposible to put up with. I mean I feel really bad for the doormats who waste their lives on a woman like this when they do have a sex drive.

[xxoo]

Oh god emotional connection. Men have very strong emotions just like women. Unlike women we don't enjoy communicating them. It's not good for us. So you go have a good cry for the both of us, and when your don't lets 69! haha no seriously don't give me that emotinal talk. It's disrespectful to try to turn a man into a woman.

 

Thanks for demonstrating my point

 

FWIW, I've never seen my H cry. And, like you, he does not have a need to discuss his emotions. He is a pretty typical "guy". His sexual needs are respected (revered!) and very well met.

 

But he also respects MY emotional needs, even though he doesn't understand them or share them. He's a smart man! He knows how to keep his woman happy and naked

[Dust]

Thanks for demonstrating my point

 

FWIW, I've never seen my H cry. And, like you, he does not have a need to discuss his emotions. He is a pretty typical "guy". His sexual needs are respected (revered!) and very well met.

 

But he also respects MY emotional needs, even though he doesn't understand them or share them. He's a smart man! He knows how to keep his woman happy and naked

 

Well I'm glad he's happy. Good for the both of you.

 

But you're living in a fantasy world if you want to blame every low libido women on a man who's not meeting her emotional needs. If she wants to keep being with him it would be in her best interest to have sex with him. Also you could say her emotional needs arn't being met because she frustrated the man with no sex. That excuse goes both ways.

[maybealone]

We get that you guys aren't as emotional as us. But what you guys need to understand is that it's still a need for us. We aren't saying you have to pour your heart out but you have no idea how hot you just listening, really listening, to us makes us. If a man listens to the words coming out of my mouth, nods his head a couple of times and tells me he understands, I want to climb him like a tree. If he completely ignores me, tells me I'm being too emotional or some other bs, I'm apt to want to bang his best friend instead.

 

Exactly! Another thing is feeling desirable. I think men feel desired when their woman wants sex, but a woman might need something more to get to that point -- like being told she looks nice, or having her ass grabbed, or seeing you look her up and down.

[xxoo]

If a man listens to the words coming out of my mouth, nods his head a couple of times and tells me he understands, I want to climb him like a tree.

 

It's so simple, you know?

 

So simple:

 

Give a man sex, and he'll feel warm and loving and caring. He'll even listen to the "emotional crap"

 

Give a woman your caring attention, and she'll give you her body. She'll even 69!

[veggirl]

I mean...how emotionally not there does a guy have to be for a woman to not want sex with him ever? Like, how emotionally needy are "we"...day to day life doesn't evoke so many emotional needs, does it?! It doesn't for me.

 

If you are upset and your BF just stares at you and doesn't give a sh*t, then yeah you should leave him.

 

But, other than an extreme like that, I don't understand the emotional needs not being met. Like they won't even ask about your day or something? Can I get some examples?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Certainly there are women who don't like sex; I'm not arguing that.

 

The tone of this thread, though, with statements like it's "the woman's fault," is bothering me.

 

It could be the woman's fault if the sex life peters out (heh) after the honeymoon phase. It could be the man's fault, and it could be a combination.

 

It is not unusual for a guy in the "courtship" phase to try to impress a woman with his sexual powers, but subside into boring slam, bam thank you ma'am, punctuated by some farting.

 

Not very many women find it stimulating or fulfilling to be treated as a receptacle.

 

OP, you mentioned that you don't care if a woman orgasms or not. That attitude can go a long way towards the weakening of a woman's desire to have sex with you. She might still be wanting sex a LOT if it were more fun …

 

 

Also, if you have an LTR you WILL find out that sexual feelings wax and wane over time, even in a very healthy sexual relationship. Negative feelings towards the other, physical stuff, stress can all erode sexual feelings. Couples who intend to maintain a good sex life over the long haul will need to respect these times without letting them take over. It's not that simple; it's not all about somebody being at fault, often.

 

I advise anyone who is in a ltr with a person who seemed very sexual at first and who then seems to lose interest to try harder to be a good sexual partner before "dumping." Just in case it really isn't all their fault. Keeping a good sex life is the responsibility of both members of a couple.

[zengirl]

I have enough of an understanding of the female sex drive. What a lot of women don't seem to understand is how important sex is in an LTR. I wish it was easier to spot in the early dating phases. I mean even if a woman has been in a 5 year little sex LTR she won't realize it was her fault. If she can atleast realize it was low sex and own up to that my red flag will be there no matter what she blamed it on. The problem is the red flag is hardly a smoking gun.

 

I think our point was that lessened sex or sex draining from a relationship is more often a SYMPTOM of the problem than the whole problem. Granted, a lack of sex in the relationship then causes additional problems, much like symptoms of an illness do, but the better way to treat a symptom is to treat the actual problem, which is not that the woman doesn't like sex in many cases (might be in some, but those are not going to be those hard-to-spot ones). Granted, some problems cannot be solved, which is why when the sex dries up, the relationship often ends a little while afterwards as well. The lack of sex didn't end the relationship in those cases; it usually merely signaled its end. If that makes sense.

 

Our point was that lessened sex often comes from other issues in the relationship.

 

I think they're in great denial of the situation. You can't really talk about it. "We don't have sex" "I know" "Why?" "I don't know" Thats about the best case scenario. Better then a yelling match of "You just want sex!" "I need to feel loved."

 

I think it's far more complicated than that. And it is a difficult thing to talk about. If someone isn't craving intimacy (and not just once and awhile or for a spell when they're particularly stressed or sick or something) in their relationship anymore, something is wrong, but it's sometimes hard to confront that and it's even harder --- as this conversation evidences --- for the other party to understand it.

 

To you, if you'd just have sex, everything would be fine, but she needs things to be fine before she can have sex. It's a Catch-22, as posters above have been saying.

 

I guess you just have to live each day one at a time. The thing is even if I lost my sexual appetite my hope is that if I enjoyed the companionship of some one who still loved sex and I loved them I would do what was in my power. Many of these women do nothing. Not that they should have too. It's there right to be that way. As its my right to leave the relationship. I would leave regardless of mariage or children. I'm not saying I'm going to abandon the person. What I'm saying is I'd break up as kindly as possible for the reason of wanting to date other people.

 

I think our point was there is, generally, a way to fix the problem by confronting and addressing issues within the relationship, nurturing the relationship, and keeping the loving connection strong, thus nurturing the sexual connection and keeping it open. It wasn't meant to say, "stick around with no sex," but rather point out HOW to keep your relationship filled with sex and to point out that it is both partners responsibilities not just to want sex but to keep the other partner happy and loved enough to keep that intimate connection open!

 

This is not a female-only problem and that you guys are dwelling on that aspect is troubling to me.

 

This is very true. Men can feel disconnected and not want sex sometimes as well. It's rarer that men express their disconnection this way but not unheard of!

 

Oh god emotional connection. Men have very strong emotions just like women. Unlike women we don't enjoy communicating them. It's not good for us. So you go have a good cry for the both of us, and when your don't lets 69! haha no seriously don't give me that emotinal talk. It's disrespectful to try to turn a man into a woman.

 

Most women don't want to go off and have a good cry alone. We also don't need you to cry about things either. What we need (and what many men like and need too, frankly) is a partner to share our emotional burdens and connect to us in an emotional way. I would go even farther than those posters above who say men should just "do it" to keep the relationship strong. I think men who are truly good at relationships and with a woman who's right for them and meeting their needs WANT to nurture that emotional connection, just as women who are truly good at relationships and are with a man that's right for them and meeting their needs WANT to nurture the sexual connection. It goes both ways.

[xxoo]

Can I get some examples?

 

It can be so many things....I read a lot of examples here on LS.

 

It can just be the guy who does what he wants, regardless of what his partner will feel. And if she brings it up, it is dismissed as "nagging".

 

Of course, these are usually complex relationships, and some of the "nagging" accusation may be earned.

 

A lot of couples assume this is normal, and maybe it is if "normal" is "what most couples do". They carry on, all the while resentments are building on both sides.....fueling the negative cycle, and the negative stereotypes about women and men.

[zengirl]

I mean...how emotionally not there does a guy have to be for a woman to not want sex with him ever? Like, how emotionally needy are "we"...day to day life doesn't evoke so many emotional needs, does it?! It doesn't for me.

 

If you are upset and your BF just stares at you and doesn't give a sh*t, then yeah you should leave him.

 

But, other than an extreme like that, I don't understand the emotional needs not being met. Like they won't even ask about your day or something? Can I get some examples?

 

I think it's more about the health of the relationship. I mean, right before a breakup, for me, sex has always waned. Maybe it was me pulling back, maybe him, but it waned. That doesn't mean every time sex wanes, I broke up with someone or it was time to break up! But that naturally happens, and I think even in still-good relationships it can happen when you're not in balance with each other emotionally.

 

It's funny because a lot of men (not ALL men; my H wouldn't want to, for instance) can still desire sex with someone when they're angry with them, and many women (not ALL women) feel the exact opposite. Some of this is socialized, and some of it's biological (oxy, particularly).

 

But there are any number of parameters and changes. Still, the positive feelings (love/gratefulness/connection/excitement) toward your partner go a long way to creating sexual interest and resentment/anger/sadness goes a long way to chipping away at it.

 

The tone of this thread, though, with statements like it's "the woman's fault," is bothering me.

 

It could be the woman's fault if the sex life peters out (heh) after the honeymoon phase. It could be the man's fault, and it could be a combination.

 

It is not unusual for a guy in the "courtship" phase to try to impress a woman with his sexual powers, but subside into boring slam, bam thank you ma'am, punctuated by some farting.

 

Not very many women find it stimulating or fulfilling to be treated as a receptacle.

 

OP, you mentioned that you don't care if a woman orgasms or not. That attitude can go a long way towards the weakening of a woman's desire to have sex with you. She might still be wanting sex a LOT if it were more fun …

 

Right. Sex as something I do just to make a guy happy doesn't sound like much fun, honestly. And I love sex! But my H definitely does his part (granted, we're still in the honeymoon phase!) on an emotional and sexual level to keep me happy.

 

Also, if you have an LTR you WILL find out that sexual feelings wax and wane over time, even in a very healthy sexual relationship. Negative feelings towards the other, physical stuff, stress can all erode sexual feelings. Couples who intend to maintain a good sex life over the long haul will need to respect these times without letting them take over. It's not that simple; it's not all about somebody being at fault, often.

 

A very good point and kind of what I was trying (not as adeptly) to say.

[ditzchic]

Most women don't want to go off and have a good cry alone. We also don't need you to cry about things either. What we need (and what many men like and need too, frankly) is a partner to share our emotional burdens and connect to us in an emotional way. I would go even farther than those posters above who say men should just "do it" to keep the relationship strong. I think men who are truly good at relationships and with a woman who's right for them and meeting their needs WANT to nurture that emotional connection, just as women who are truly good at relationships and are with a man that's right for them and meeting their needs WANT to nurture the sexual connection. It goes both ways.

 

I think this is key. For most women, sex isn't hard to come by. Finding someone to fulfill the emotional needs isn't so easy. That's our prime need we'd like fulfilled from a relationship.

 

For men, sex isn't so easy to come by. They have to work at it. That's their prime need needed filling.

 

In a successful LTR both parties are willing and able to fulfill the others needs. Without the proper communication and effort put in by both parties the relationship is doomed. Women get bitter their men aren't listening. They stop putting out. Men get bitter the sex dried up. They stop listening. Chaos ensues. Big fiery crash and burn.

[Saxis]

I love crazy women. For me the real downer is anoying women. Like women who have headaches when you want to have sex... anoying!

 

I got lucky! My girl pretty much came out with "I need sex every day!" when we first started dating. And if she gets a headache, she's hauling me off to the bedroom to get that tension relieved!

 

In a successful LTR both parties are willing and able to fulfill the others needs. Without the proper communication and effort put in by both parties the relationship is doomed. Women get bitter their men aren't listening. They stop putting out. Men get bitter the sex dried up. They stop listening. Chaos ensues. Big fiery crash and burn.

 

I'll bet this is the case for 90% of LTRs with a lousy sex life...

[Dust]

I feel many girls here are completly missing the mark when they bring up emotions and start to blame the guy for little to no sex.

[ditzchic]

I feel many girls here are completly missing the mark when they bring up emotions and start to blame the guy for little to no sex.

 

I think you're missing the mark when you think no sex is always a woman's fault. Most women love sex just the same, if not more than men. If the sex in a relationship is unfulfilling both parties are to blame, usually. In the instances where the blame can be placed on one specific partner it's probably a 50-50 shot as to whether it's the male or female to blame. Of course, men make a bigger deal out of the sexual aspect of a relationship so it's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the oil...

[Dust]

I think you're missing the mark when you think no sex is always a woman's fault. Most women love sex just the same, if not more than men. If the sex in a relationship is unfulfilling both parties are to blame, usually. In the instances where the blame can be placed on one specific partner it's probably a 50-50 shot as to whether it's the male or female to blame. Of course, men make a bigger deal out of the sexual aspect of a relationship so it's a case of the squeaky wheel getting the oil...

 

I never said it was their fault. In fact I said thats who they are and it can't be changed just like there are men that way. I'm not blaming any one I just don't want that kind of person as my partner.

 

Like Carrie said she had a bf who had no drive in life. Didn't even want a license. Is that his fault... I mean some would say yes. But why should he have to drive... and why should carrie have to date him if she no longer wanted sex... so they broke up. Then she ended with a man who didn't like sex in LTR. It happens. This is what the thread is about. So stop pertending some ones emotions arn't being met and if they were sudenly all women would want lots of sex. Many women out there exist who find it a chore to have sex as little as regularly once a week. True story. You could be the kindest most compasionate person in the world and that wouldn't change a thing.

[Janesays]

I'm a very highly sexed woman with a strong libido. And when I was married, my sex life went to crap. Why? Because my ex-husband quit treating me like a woman. Instead, he started treating me like a roommate.

 

Have you ever asked your significant other, "Hey, you want to do it?" in the same tone of voice you'd ask her if she wants to order a pizza? Then, no it's no wonder why she doesn't want to! There's no greater turn off.

 

Women need to feel desired. Unfortunately, sometimes when a guy has you locked up, suddenly you get less. Less romance. Less compliments. Less making out. Less caresses. Less intense stares. Less foreplay. Less everything. And you wonder why you get less sex.

 

If you want to keep your woman's sex drive up, how about you continue to treat her like a WOMAN? If you treat her like a best friend with boobs, she'll start to act like a best friend with boobs. Sex for women is mostly mental, so if you quit stimulating her mentally, THAT'S when things go to crap.

[Dust]

I'm a very highly sexed woman with a strong libido. And when I was married, my sex life went to crap. Why? Because my ex-husband quit treating me like a woman. Instead, he started treating me like a roommate.

 

Have you ever asked your significant other, "Hey, you want to do it?" in the same tone of voice you'd ask her if she wants to order a pizza? Then, no it's no wonder why she doesn't want to! There's no greater turn off.

 

Women need to feel desired. Unfortunately, sometimes when a guy has you locked up, suddenly you get less. Less romance. Less compliments. Less making out. Less caresses. Less intense stares. Less foreplay. Less everything. And you wonder why you get less sex.

 

If you want to keep your woman's sex drive up, how about you continue to treat her like a WOMAN? If you treat her like a best friend with boobs, she'll start to act like a best friend with boobs. Sex for women is mostly mental, so if you quit stimulating her mentally, THAT'S when things go to crap.

 

Uhhh yet again another jaded woman who can't except the facts. Maybe you were being treated like a roommate and it would have been very simple to get you having regular sex again on a regular basis. But a lot of women will not have regular sex as little as once a week. Fact. Doesn't matter if you bring her roses and and write her poems every day. Face the facts and stop living in your fantasy world. Also take some responsibility for the situation you described.

[Janesays]

Also take some responsibility for the situation you described.

 

I will not. Especially considering he's had that same, exact issue with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN he's ever been with. And I've NEVER had that issue with any other man.

[veggirl]

I'm a very highly sexed woman with a strong libido. And when I was married, my sex life went to crap. Why? Because my ex-husband quit treating me like a woman. Instead, he started treating me like a roommate.

 

Have you ever asked your significant other, "Hey, you want to do it?" in the same tone of voice you'd ask her if she wants to order a pizza? Then, no it's no wonder why she doesn't want to! There's no greater turn off.

 

Women need to feel desired. Unfortunately, sometimes when a guy has you locked up, suddenly you get less. Less romance. Less compliments. Less making out. Less caresses. Less intense stares. Less foreplay. Less everything. And you wonder why you get less sex.

 

If you want to keep your woman's sex drive up, how about you continue to treat her like a WOMAN? If you treat her like a best friend with boobs, she'll start to act like a best friend with boobs. Sex for women is mostly mental, so if you quit stimulating her mentally, THAT'S when things go to crap.

 

But...it could be said in the exact opposite way as well. Treat your man like a man, give him sex, and he will be more likely to give you emotional support.

 

I mean, the argument seems to be women need emotional support to want to have sex.

 

And if the opposite is true? that men need to sex to want to engage in emotional support, then what?

[Dust]

But...it could be said in the exact opposite way as well. Treat your man like a man, give him sex, and he will be more likely to give you emotional support.

 

I mean, the argument seems to be women need emotional support to want to have sex.

 

And if the opposite is true? that men need to sex to want to engage in emotional support, then what?

 

I'm not even sure she knows what she's talking about. She wants to believe every no sex situation a man experiences stems from a woman being mistreated. How does she explain it when it happens to a woman which we've confirmed it does happen...

[ditzchic]

But...it could be said in the exact opposite way as well. Treat your man like a man, give him sex, and he will be more likely to give you emotional support.

 

I mean, the argument seems to be women need emotional support to want to have sex.

 

And if the opposite is true? that men need to sex to want to engage in emotional support, then what?

 

Considering that most modern relationships start with sex pretty quickly and before there is love and emotional support between the two partners, I would say it looks like most evolved women are aware of what it takes...