I want to go 'home'

[LittleTiger]

Glad to hear it!

 

I know exactly what you mean by "home". I hope you find that sense of home again soon

 

Thanks xxoo

 

Actually, I've been thinking about this and it's not entirely true. The first 10 years of our relationship were fine and I supposed I felt safe. The thing is, it was such a long time ago, I hardly remember it!

 

I'm glad you are feeling better...

 

Thanks giotto

 

I'm very glad to hear that your relationship used to feel safe - it would be a real shame never to have felt that way. I don't think 'safe' is quite what I mean though. It's more a feeling of 'this is where I belong', of 'coming home' and just knowing that this is where you are supposed to be and this is the person you're supposed to be with.

 

It does lead to a feeling of safety within the relationship but, for me anyway, there are a million other emotions in there too - peace and tranquility in my soul probably being the most important ones.

 

As you said earlier I think it's a 'back to the womb' feeling - like being cocooned in love.

 

It's very difficult to put into words but, hopefully you have experienced the same at some point (even if you don't remember it).

[giotto]

Thanks xxoo

 

 

 

It's more a feeling of 'this is where I belong', of 'coming home' and just knowing that this is where you are supposed to be and this is the person you're supposed to be with.

 

I meant it like that too...

 

Those 10 years were probably the best of my life (well, and the 3 before that, before I met my wife, when I started "experimenting" with girls and relationships)... unfortunately, I find myself still longing for those times and that's not healthy. I felt "safe" with my parents, but they where quite cold, so it was a kind of hollow security. I would still feel safe at home, back to my roots, though. Well, yes, difficult to punt into words...

[willowthewisp]

Yes, I feel the same, I miss it terribly, but you've probably gathered that!

 

Felt so bad about it yesterday, I couldn't stop crying.

 

I'm still in the house we shared together, it's got to the point I deal ok with living alone, or put up with it, I suppose, but I don't enjoy it. I still struggle with being 'abandoned' 2 1/2 years on, I still envy my ex's gf, and it has another sting, the fact she's an old friend of mine.

 

I envy those who have their partner to turn to every day for company, support, affection etc etc, and I want to be there for my partner also.

 

I have nowhere to call home, in the sense that you mean, that sense of well being and security, someone to turn to, someone you can rely on, someone to share everything with. I miss feeling nurtured, miss feeling togetherness.

 

Which is why I'm trying hard to be self reliant, turning more to work and friends, as I feel I've no choice. I no longer feel anyone (as in a partner) is reliable, I don't feel any r/ship is secure. Being self reliant doesn't make me happy though, but if I don't try then I'll just be even more unhappy.

 

I feel like this too LT and H&H. What you describe LT is exactly what I have been trying to describe in my threads about wanting to find a new relationship, which people seem to be misinterupting as desperation on my part!

 

I don't think we are designed to be alone, to be happy totally alone, if we were non of us would look for a relationship to begin with.

 

I once told my ex after we had had an argument about something and we resolved it and he took me in his arms, that him holding me and the relief that everything was resolved (I thought he was leaving me, he wasn't), I felt like I ad "come home". That is the single one reason why I wanted to marry him. Just knowing that when I was with him I was "home". I guess that is what love is really, it's not about what one person gives to the other or performing to the otehr standards it's about a respect and a deep sense of companionship and reliability.

 

I miss affection, sharing, recieving the care of another, just like you describe H&H and no matter how I look for it, I have been sib=ngle almost 3 years now...no one wants me.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this LT but to be honest I think the dream and the subsequent feelings are telling you something, perhaps this man is not able to provide you with the secruity you need due to the distance? However if you really feel that security when you are with him then I would move heaven and earth to make being with him permanantly a reality, bad economy or not. Easier said then done I know.

[tojaz]

Hi Little Tiger, sorry to hear your having a rough patch.

 

I used to feel like that a lot and at times i still do for a moment, but had a realization one day that kind of put things in perspective. Me and my ex had a silly little tradition when we traveled, we picked up a stone from where ever we happened to be and would bring it home with us, over the years we had amassed a good sized collection in our front yard, to this day i can still tell anyone who asks where each one was plucked from.

 

About a year ago, long after the split, I was working in the yard and come across them, and although they had been there all that time, this time it hit me hard and I remember thinking a lot of the same thoughts your thinking right now... then i looked around, and I was home.

 

I know your not talking literal sense LT, and although I didn't know it at the time, neither was I. I could honestly say to myself that i was still the same guy she had married, The same things were important to me, I still felt the same way as I always had about life, marriage, etc. even if I have a new perspective on a lot of things, at my Core I was still "Home" she was the one that was absent. That would have been true regardless if I had no clue where she was or if she had walked up that instant.

 

I do miss my marriage, I do miss my wife, but they say "home" is where the heart is, and although still battered and bruised its still right here with me. Even if I could try again, it wouldn't feel like home.

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar - an unconscious yearning for a lost life - especially years later under times of stress? If you have, how did you deal with it?

 

Yes, I have experienced it. Over the last 3-1/2 years I've had three such dreams and they shook me to my core. So vivid. It's more difficult than say, something that might happen or be mentioned during the course of the day because one can 'defend' themselves. But not in sleep. You're defenseless!

 

I woke each time with a deep sense of dread and loss, keenly aware that the real nightmare was the reality that I was waking to. This is even more profound, because I had dreams of losing her when we were together. I never really mentioned it, but I'm sure she wondered why I awoke smothering her with kisses, hugs and deep appreciation. Who knew?

 

The subconscious is a powerful, powerful thing. When it happened I didn't fight the emotions, I rode them out...usually with the help of a cigarette, some cool night air and maybe the rare shot of Jack. I loved her. She was my sweetheart and the mother of my kids, which I also love deeply. She wanted someone else and I have accepted that. Maybe she dreams about him and wakes feeling the same way. Who knows?

 

The best, most helpful reality is the very thing tojaz mentioned. Even if she came back, it wouldn't be the same...if for no other reason that I'm not the same person anymore. I have a new love, a new life and new interests.

 

My mind is remembering my life, and that's ok. It's a part of me no one can take it away. Why deny it? Why fight it? Then again, one must get over it.

[RecordProducer]

I think abandonment by a spouse must be one of the most difficult situations to deal with.

Abandoned by two spouses here! Super-hard but luckily each marriage lasted 3 years and each was so bad, they actually did me a favor. In fact, I wouldn't have been in the US had my first ex not dumped me. And I was so sad when he left! Nonetheless, it's an agony in the first couple years; for some people it may last even longer.

 

I don't long for my ex, but do long for that safety that marriage provides - or is supposed to provide. I despise when people say you have to be happy with yourself first and then find someone else. While you can interpret the "happy with yourself" in many philosophical ways, people suggest that a partner should only add to your life. Really??? No, a dish washer adds to my life. Or a car or a flat-screen TV. If a man means so little to the "happy with herself" woman, then why does she even bother finding a man? If a man doesn't make your whole world, your 200% happiness as opposed to 5% happiness without a man, then why bother? Why work on a relationship, why compromise, why tolerate and forgive a man? I don't go to counseling with my car or compromise with my dish washer - they're extremely obedient and they would never dump me for another woman.

 

So, people admit that relationships are worth eating some shyt - why? Because they're important. NOT the men (or the women). The relationship. I don't care who I am in a relationship with, I just want it to be someone that I will like and will make me happy, right? Much like your ex-H left you after 14 years of marriage because it was more convenient and novel to be with the new woman. A romantic relationship is a symbiosis in which when one partner becomes useless to the other one, the entire symbiosis dies (if you remember this from biology).

 

I very much need a union with a man to feel happy. And apart from good health for all the people I love, I really just want happiness in love. And I am not sure I will ever have that.

 

'Safe place' describes perfectly what me and my ex had for 18 years.

Did you feel like this when you were married or is it possible that you're getting too nostalgic and the good times seem to overshadow the bad times?

 

Realistically, I don't think it's something I'll have again.

Oh, why do you say that?

I grew up and I'm a big and strong man.

Mm... I want you to adopt me and take me home.

Go home if you think it will help.

 

You're soooo missing the topic!

 

 

It's more difficult than say, something that might happen or be mentioned during the course of the day because one can 'defend' themselves. But not in sleep. You're defenseless!

Interesting thought! We also defend ourselves from our own thoughts during the day. Too bad we don't remember all our dreams and even more too bad that dreams are so messy and don't make much sense. I wish we had wonderful dreams, like 8 hours of pure happiness: love, great sex, wealth, joy after joy... You go to work so you can pay the bills, eat, shower, and most of all have a place to sleep and dream.

 

The subconscious is a powerful, powerful thing. When it happened I didn't fight the emotions, I rode them out...usually with the help of a cigarette, some cool night air and maybe the rare shot of Jack.

What do you mean rode them out? How do you stop your thoughts? Or do you just think for a while?

I have a new love, a new life and new interests.

If you're in love with someone else, then it's easy to forget the ex. Don't you think? Edited February 13, 2012 by RecordProducer

[HeavenOrHell]

I felt like that from the first time I met him, so did he, felt it for 18 years, we only ever had 2 arguments in all that time, we were so at ease together. I neglected him him in the end, hence the break up, we're still close friends, always will be, we know we can always count on each other for support when we have problems.

Our break up was incredibly painful for both of us, but never any dislike or hate for each other, no rowing at all during the break up, just love, regret, sadness, and a huge respect for each other, we made the break up as easy for each other as we could.

 

It will be 3 years in July since we split, not sure I'll ever fully recover from it, I mean how do you lose the love of your life and get over it, people often say you'll go on to meet someone you're more suited to, but in my case that's not actually likely or possible, I love my current partner though, of course, or I wouldn't be with him.

 

 

 

 

 

Did you feel like this when you were married or is it possible that you're getting too nostalgic and the good times seem to overshadow the bad times?

 

[Steadfast]

Interesting thought! We also defend ourselves from our own thoughts during the day. Too bad we don't remember all our dreams and even more too bad that dreams are so messy and don't make much sense. I wish we had wonderful dreams, like 8 hours of pure happiness: love, great sex, wealth, joy after joy... You go to work so you can pay the bills, eat, shower, and most of all have a place to sleep and dream.

 

It is what it is. I saw the last one coming from a mile away because I was moving and was forced to go through miles and piles of crap in the house, trying to decide what to throw away and what to keep. Lots of old photos...which made me remember things we'd done that I'd completely forgotten about. Good thing I was far enough along to absorb it!

 

The point about 'defending' ourselves mentally is probably key. When this stuff hits us subconsciously there is no defense. You take it for what it is.

 

What do you mean rode them out? How do you stop your thoughts? Or do you just think for a while?

 

First, I try to figure out what happened to cause the dream, then console myself by remembering that dreaming about her isn't a sign of weakness or need. The best way to describe it is self-coaching; I retrace the events that led to this point and conclude -again- that I did everything in my power to keep it from happening. It is then, in the darkness of night, that I'm grateful I wasn't mean, bitter or vengeful. Bottom line? It's probably not healthy to 'push it away' so I process it until it stops hurting.

 

If you're in love with someone else, then it's easy to forget the ex. Don't you think?

 

Great question. I don't know about everyone else but IMO, if you loved someone -truly loved- there is no replacing them. The relationship I am in now is completely different than my marriage, which was 16-years long. I love my girl with a different part of my heart...and, as I said before, I'm a different person now. I guard my heart more closely.

 

I'm glad you asked, because I've wanted to express this to willow in several of her threads. IMO, we all carry our 'battle scars' into the next relationship, and we should! The recovery from those injuries was hard earned. The trick is not holding your love interest to your ex's standards of failure. The heart is an amazing thing RP, its capacity to love and endure is awesome. But it needs the maintenance of patience and understanding.

[LittleTiger]

I do miss my marriage, I do miss my wife, but they say "home" is where the heart is, and although still battered and bruised its still right here with me. Even if I could try again, it wouldn't feel like home.

 

Thanks Tojaz, I understand what you're saying and, yes, my home is still my home, even without my ex. To be honest I wouldn't want him back now if he begged me - there would be no comfort in his arms so what would be the point? Besides which I'm in love with someone else! I don't think I'm craving my ex or even that marriage which, frankly, wasn't great, just the sense of having someone always on my side and by my side.

 

Unfortunately, as much as people talk about being happy alone, I think that's a load of BS that is used to get unhappy single people make the most of being alone. Lets face it, for most of us 'alone' is not a good place to be and that feeling of safety and belonging is something we all crave. It's a feeling I have only experienced with my exH and my kiwi man.

 

If home is where the heart is then my 'home' is now in New Zealand and circumstances prevent me from being there often enough so the foundations of that 'home' have become very unstable.

 

The good news is I have rebooked my trip and I'll be with my kiwi man in just over 14 days. If that feeling of coming 'home' is still as strong as it was, even after everything we've been through then, since he can't move here, as Willow says, I will have to move heaven and earth to be with him full time.

[LittleTiger]

I had dreams of losing her when we were together.

 

That's interesting, so did I, and I told him. Definitely my subconscious trying to tell me something since, despite his assurances at the time, he left about a year later.

 

The best, most helpful reality is the very thing tojaz mentioned. Even if she came back, it wouldn't be the same...if for no other reason that I'm not the same person anymore. I have a new love, a new life and new interests.

 

While this is certainly true, it's that lost feeling I'm talking about. It's not the person that we want back, it's the feeling. Once you have experienced it, it's really hard to live without it. Presumably you have found that feeling again with your new love? As have I - if only I could cement it somehow I would feel secure again.

[LittleTiger]

I don't long for my ex, but do long for that safety that marriage provides - or is supposed to provide. I despise when people say you have to be happy with yourself first and then find someone else. While you can interpret the "happy with yourself" in many philosophical ways, people suggest that a partner should only add to your life. Really??? No, a dish washer adds to my life. Or a car or a flat-screen TV. If a man means so little to the "happy with herself" woman, then why does she even bother finding a man? If a man doesn't make your whole world, your 200% happiness as opposed to 5% happiness without a man, then why bother? Why work on a relationship, why compromise, why tolerate and forgive a man? I don't go to counseling with my car or compromise with my dish washer - they're extremely obedient and they would never dump me for another woman.

 

I have to agree.

 

So, people admit that relationships are worth eating some shyt - why? Because they're important. NOT the men (or the women). The relationship. I don't care who I am in a relationship with, I just want it to be someone that I will like and will make me happy, right? Much like your ex-H left you after 14 years of marriage because it was more convenient and novel to be with the new woman. A romantic relationship is a symbiosis in which when one partner becomes useless to the other one, the entire symbiosis dies (if you remember this from biology).

 

I agree with most of this too although I do care very much who I'm in a relationship with. That's kind of the whole point of what I'm saying. If I don't get that particular feeling of being 'home' when I'm in his arms, then I'm with the wrong man.

 

I very much need a union with a man to feel happy. And apart from good health for all the people I love, I really just want happiness in love. And I am not sure I will ever have that.

 

Same here and I'm not ashamed of it. Without a man, not only am I missing that 'home' feeling, I also have to do without intimacy, sex (not interested in casual sex) and someone to share all the best and the worst times with, a close friend and companion and a warm body to cuddle up to at night. Anyone who tries to tell me there is something in this world that beats a loving romantic relationship is 'cuckoo' in my opinion.

 

If you're in love with someone else, then it's easy to forget the ex. Don't you think?

 

I'm not sure it's quite that simple. Each person is unique and holds a different place in our hearts. I am in love with someone else now but I won't forget the good parts of what I had with my ex. It's definitely the lost security of my marriage that comes back to haunt me though. Funny really considering that it obviously wasn't as safe and secure as I thought.

[Steadfast]

That's interesting, so did I, and I told him. Definitely my subconscious trying to tell me something since, despite his assurances at the time, he left about a year later.

 

When she began cheating (at that stage just talking and meeting, I believe) I was having trouble sleeping. Something was wrong, but I had no idea what. I was unsettled. I told her. She said I was stressed. When I asked if everything was ok, she said "Don't be silly." I'm changed forever.

 

I'm not one for the 'woo-woo' stuff either. Not my style. Subconsciously, I was picking something up. Strange how strong a person's intuition can be.

 

While this is certainly true, it's that lost feeling I'm talking about. It's not the person that we want back, it's the feeling. Once you have experienced it, it's really hard to live without it.

 

Lost, or loss? I felt loss, not lost after those dreams...a sense of great loss.

 

Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ashamed that I loved her and at times like that, miss what I once had. But, it's more than that. I'm a man, and my ego was crushed. It's hard to fight off the feelings of hate, abandonment and the emptiness experienced because I cared for and protected her. Can you grasp the confusion from wondering and worrying about her, yet knowing I shouldn't care? It's hard to explain...a guy thing.

 

Presumably you have found that feeling again with your new love?

 

I have not. I was a father of four, had two businesses, a wife, a house...I was the provider and protector. My GF has her own house (that she bought with her ex) and two young teens. I'm a visitor. It's totally different.

 

She loves me, and knows how to show that. I'm a different person. Nothing is the same. I am happy though...independent, but terrified of marriage.

 

I despise when people say you have to be happy with yourself first and then find someone else. While you can interpret the "happy with yourself" in many philosophical ways, people suggest that a partner should only add to your life. Really???

 

Really RP. I take it one day at a time. I will not hold my GF to the failed standards of my ex, but life has taught me that everything can change with one telephone call. For all I know it will end tomorrow...or never. I'll only know how long it lasts when one of us is dead, or otherwise ends it. Am I jaded? Spoiled for love? Probably. I guard my heart. Home is where I am.

[LittleTiger]

When she began cheating (at that stage just talking and meeting, I believe) I was having trouble sleeping. Something was wrong, but I had no idea what. I was unsettled. I told her. She said I was stressed. When I asked if everything was ok, she said "Don't be silly." I'm changed forever.

 

I'm not one for the 'woo-woo' stuff either. Not my style. Subconsciously, I was picking something up. Strange how strong a person's intuition can be.

 

I think human senses are far more developed than we realise. If people listened to their intuition more often, they may find life ran a little more smoothly. Who knows?

 

Lost, or loss? I felt loss, not lost after those dreams...a sense of great loss.

 

Sorry, I guess I didn't make myself clear - what I meant is 'the feeling' I had when I was with my husband has been lost. So, yes, it's a sense of loss - the loss of that special feeling. (Was that any better-I'm not sure?)

 

That said, I do also feel lost without a partner to love - I feel as though I don't belong anywhere - hence wanting to go 'home'.

 

Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ashamed that I loved her and at times like that, miss what I once had. But, it's more than that. I'm a man, and my ego was crushed. It's hard to fight off the feelings of hate, abandonment and the emptiness experienced because I cared for and protected her. Can you grasp the confusion from wondering and worrying about her, yet knowing I shouldn't care? It's hard to explain...a guy thing.

 

That makes perfect sense - why would you be ashamed and why shouldn't you miss something so special?

 

I think women experience the crushed ego too. "Why am I not good enough but she is?" or even "Why would he rather be alone than with me?" In either case it's a massive blow to the self-esteem.

 

There seems to be an additional element in terms of being the provider and protector for you (and also other men?) which perhaps women don't experience, although I know I have been confused at times by my concern that my ex is happy and not in any emotional pain (crazy considering what he did) - I think it's just that men and women 'love' in different ways.

 

I have not. I was a father of four, had two businesses, a wife, a house...I was the provider and protector. My GF has her own house (that she bought with her ex) and two young teens. I'm a visitor. It's totally different.

 

Again, I think I have failed to explain myself properly or maybe it's another example of the differences between men and women and their differing needs within a relationship. When I'm in the arms of my kiwi man I feel at 'home', regardless of where we are - my home, his home, my country, his country or another country altogether.

 

As Tojaz said, if 'home is where the heart is' then my home is in his arms wherever that happens to be.

[giotto]

It's the feeling of belonging...

[trippi1432]

IMO, we all carry our 'battle scars' into the next relationship, and we should! The recovery from those injuries was hard earned. The trick is not holding your love interest to your ex's standards of failure. The heart is an amazing thing RP, its capacity to love and endure is awesome. But it needs the maintenance of patience and understanding.

 

I feel this post is very profound, I've stated in various posts here on LS that our hearts are huge and we can go on to love again, but it's how we love again that changes and that does come from the experience of prior love.

 

Battle scars can run deep, and one that I will always carry from my first marriage (and why my second exH knew he could not come back) is infidelity. It rates right up there with abandonment and typically that is what follows, no matter who chooses to end the relationship. There has to be a strong, strong foundation to the relationship that both people recognize to overcome those obstacles. Even within that, the scope of feeling "home" within the relationship changes because the relationship either gets redefined or becomes stronger, as I am sure those who have survived infidelity might add.

 

I can understand where you are at LT, it's when you feel at peace...not just about safety and security, but an inner peace where it feels everything in the world is finally right, where you can have confidence in how you feel and how someone else feels about you, where your feelings are cared and for and matter to another person. It's trust.....not a trust of faithfulness, but a trusting that someone thinks enough about you to be mindful of your heart. Unfortunately, that was something that I never felt in 15 years with my exH, hateful words and actions always crushed it. I hold my exH as a standard of what I will never accept in my life again; however, I do not feel that every man is like him, I know they aren't.

 

I would have to say that I felt this briefly with my first exH, it was a very short marriage, and I was not able to get that feeling back once he was unfaithful. Perhaps that is why he was unfaithful again....and again...then perhaps we were just too young. I do know today, that is something that he has not felt with anyone else, and something that he misses in his life. Some people say you can always go 'home' again, but that is not always the case.

 

When I'm in the arms of my kiwi man I feel at 'home', regardless of where we are - my home, his home, my country, his country or another country altogether.

 

As Tojaz said, if 'home is where the heart is' then my home is in his arms wherever that happens to be.

 

That feeling of 'home' LT is not measured by where one hangs their hat, I feel you are correct in this statement above. It is something that is enduring when two people have this feeling for each other, a deep consideration that the material is insignificant because they can weather any storm. It's a feeling that regardless where you are, the feeling of 'home' will always be there.

 

The hard part, I would surmise, in an LDR is keeping that feeling when you are apart. I think that feeling of 'home' is within us, but is also dependent on how another treats us. It can be forgiving to an extent, but once broken, hard to get back...which is why it's been stated here that even having that sense with an ex, we would not go back to them or take them back....that feeling has changed just as we have changed.

 

I was the provider and protector. My GF has her own house (that she bought with her ex) and two young teens. I'm a visitor. It's totally different.

 

She loves me, and knows how to show that. I'm a different person. Nothing is the same. I am happy though...independent, but terrified of marriage.

Really RP.

 

I take it one day at a time. I will not hold my GF to the failed standards of my ex, but life has taught me that everything can change with one telephone call. For all I know it will end tomorrow...or never. I'll only know how long it lasts when one of us is dead, or otherwise ends it. Am I jaded? Spoiled for love? Probably. I guard my heart. Home is where I am.

 

Steadfast, I'm so sorry to hear this, but this is what happens when our feeling of 'home' has been disrupted. When this feeling is alive within us, we don't feel like a 'visitor' in the home of the person we love.

 

Even though we do not hold them to the failed standards of our ex, and we see them in their own light without comparison, just as our hearts are huge and we can love again the right person will has the capacity to give that sense of 'home' once our hearts are not so guarded. A hard thing to come by as it is not just what another person makes us feel, or gives to us, but within us as well to feel.

 

LT - If that feeling is there for the both of you, then exploring a way to cement it by being together permanently is expected. I would ask myself, do I still feel this feeling when I am without him as much as I am with him. When we truly feel 'home', we carry that feeling with us because we know that the person we love would not do anything to hurt us without us and they know that too. The distance is a hard factor and a difficult gap to bridge. I hope your trip goes well .

[LittleTiger]

It's the feeling of belonging...

 

That's the one

 

I think most of us understand the 'feeling' but putting it into words is very difficult - all the more so because each of us values different aspects of that feeling more highly.

 

We had a long phone conversation the other day about our situation and the unbelievably rough time we've had this year. He said one sentence that really summed it up for me:

 

'I just want you to remember LT that I always have your back'.

 

That's it, in a nutshell! Someone who is on my side and by my side, no matter what. We just have to work on the 'by my side' part and we're sorted!

[LittleTiger]

I can understand where you are at LT, it's when you feel at peace...not just about safety and security, but an inner peace where it feels everything in the world is finally right, where you can have confidence in how you feel and how someone else feels about you, where your feelings are cared and for and matter to another person. It's trust.....not a trust of faithfulness, but a trusting that someone thinks enough about you to be mindful of your heart.

 

.................

 

That feeling of 'home' LT is not measured by where one hangs their hat, I feel you are correct in this statement above. It is something that is enduring when two people have this feeling for each other, a deep consideration that the material is insignificant because they can weather any storm. It's a feeling that regardless where you are, the feeling of 'home' will always be there.

 

Both great descriptions trippi. The only thing I would addto that is the feeling of being loved and accepted for who you are - warts and all!

 

The hard part, I would surmise, in an LDR is keeping that feeling when you are apart. I think that feeling of 'home' is within us, but is also dependent on how another treats us. It can be forgiving to an extent, but once broken, hard to get back...which is why it's been stated here that even having that sense with an ex, we would not go back to them or take them back....that feeling has changed just as we have changed.

 

There is no doubt that long periods of separation can challenge a relationship to it's limit. Bad behaviour and even hurtful behaviour can surface all too easily under times of significant stress. When you cannot physically be present for someone it takes its' toll but, provided the trust remains, I believe the relationship and the feeling of 'home' can survive.

 

In the case of abandonment or infidelity the trust has been lost and that is why most people can't, or don't want to, go back.

 

LT - If that feeling is there for the both of you, then exploring a way to cement it by being together permanently is expected. I would ask myself, do I still feel this feeling when I am without him as much as I am with him. When we truly feel 'home', we carry that feeling with us because we know that the person we love would not do anything to hurt us without us and they know that too. The distance is a hard factor and a difficult gap to bridge. I hope your trip goes well .

 

Thanks trippi .

 

I think the difficulties we've had lately and the stress we've both been under has led to that feeling of 'home' getting buried under all the 'bad stuff'. I have to admit that it all but disappeared in recent months and lack of physical contact creates a stress all of its' own. Hence my dreaming about my old life. However, the fact that we are both still hanging in there and determined to find a solution tells me that our bond is solid. I have felt like giving up so many times but that feeling of being 'home' with him is too precious to let go. We still yearn to be in one another's arms so, fingers crossed, we will find a way.

[Steadfast]

Steadfast, I'm so sorry to hear this, but this is what happens when our feeling of 'home' has been disrupted. When this feeling is alive within us, we don't feel like a 'visitor' in the home of the person we love.

 

I appreciate your thoughts and well wishes tripp, but believe me when I say that I'm fine. It's not fair to my beautiful girlfriend or myself to try and 'replace' what I had by inserting her into the frame. What I had is gone, but what I have has the potential to be just as meaningful. Do I miss being a husband and a dad in a house full of kids? Yes. But the reality is they would have grown anyway, and they really love their father. Life changes whether we want it to or not.

 

I used to think that home was wherever she was. I told her that once, after we split and her response was indifferent. That made me sad. In time, I realized that the home I had made...I had made myself. I was home. Just the other day my daughter came by and I fixed her supper. In between gobbling bites she said, "There's nothing better than coming home".

 

She didn't grow up there, but I was there. That made it home to her.

[giotto]

That's the one

 

I think most of us understand the 'feeling' but putting it into words is very difficult - all the more so because each of us values different aspects of that feeling more highly.

 

We had a long phone conversation the other day about our situation and the unbelievably rough time we've had this year. He said one sentence that really summed it up for me:

 

'I just want you to remember LT that I always have your back'.

 

That's it, in a nutshell! Someone who is on my side and by my side, no matter what. We just have to work on the 'by my side' part and we're sorted!

 

and that's why I find it so hard to give it up...

[LittleTiger]

and that's why I find it so hard to give it up...

 

If that's what you feel you have giotto, then I completely understand!

 

I never got the impression from you, in the past, that you felt such solidity in your marriage but, if you do, then no wonder you're sticking around - even without the sex.

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel at home with my current partner, just can't see a future now he can't move, and I can't give up my life here for the foreseeable, but how do you give up when you feel they're the right person for you. It's like a form of torture when the person you love is out of your reach because you live in different countries. I want him by my side.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm a woman, and my ego was crushed when my ex left me after 8 years, it's equally crushing whether you're male or female, the abandonment and emptiness is the same. I cared for him and he cared for me, I know exactly the confusion of worrying about him and yet knowing it wasn't my 'job' to worry about him, or take care of him anymore, especially as he suffered with depression, I couldn't just stop caring.

He didn't cheat on me at least, but he did have a crush on an old friend of mine who he's now with, he never acted on it, as he wanted to be with me, but when I neglected him the last few years and then she came back on the scene at the same time he was trying to work out whether we could work things out or not (my fault, I left it too late to change) the last few months, I knew he'd finally end up with her after we split.

 

I now believe no r/ship is solid, there are no guarantees.

 

 

When she began cheating (at that stage just talking and meeting, I believe) I was having trouble sleeping. Something was wrong, but I had no idea what. I was unsettled. I told her. She said I was stressed. When I asked if everything was ok, she said "Don't be silly." I'm changed forever.

 

I'm not one for the 'woo-woo' stuff either. Not my style. Subconsciously, I was picking something up. Strange how strong a person's intuition can be.

 

 

 

Lost, or loss? I felt loss, not lost after those dreams...a sense of great loss.

 

Look, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ashamed that I loved her and at times like that, miss what I once had. But, it's more than that. I'm a man, and my ego was crushed. It's hard to fight off the feelings of hate, abandonment and the emptiness experienced because I cared for and protected her. Can you grasp the confusion from wondering and worrying about her, yet knowing I shouldn't care? It's hard to explain...a guy thing.

 

 

 

I have not. I was a father of four, had two businesses, a wife, a house...I was the provider and protector. My GF has her own house (that she bought with her ex) and two young teens. I'm a visitor. It's totally different.

 

She loves me, and knows how to show that. I'm a different person. Nothing is the same. I am happy though...independent, but terrified of marriage.

 

 

 

Really RP. I take it one day at a time. I will not hold my GF to the failed standards of my ex, but life has taught me that everything can change with one telephone call. For all I know it will end tomorrow...or never. I'll only know how long it lasts when one of us is dead, or otherwise ends it. Am I jaded? Spoiled for love? Probably. I guard my heart. Home is where I am.

[giotto]

If that's what you feel you have giotto, then I completely understand!

 

I never got the impression from you, in the past, that you felt such solidity in your marriage but, if you do, then no wonder you're sticking around - even without the sex.

 

I love the feeling of being a family and in a family... it's a very safe harbour and I find comfort in it when things get tough... not that anybody knows this...

[willowthewisp]

Imagine then that you cannot even get so much as a date, let alone a relationship...welcome to my world. It will be 3 years in a couple of weeks that my ex left and I am alone. All I am ever told is that I need to be happy with myself and he will appear as if by magic....lol erm, yeah right!

 

Sorry, thread jacking, its just I understand this, I understand this feeling of belonging of feeling home and I miss it so very very much and knowing that I cannot even get a simple date...well the thought of never feeling this again...

[LittleTiger]

I love the feeling of being a family and in a family... it's a very safe harbour and I find comfort in it when things get tough... not that anybody knows this...

 

That's wonderful giotto - you're very lucky. I never had that 'family' safe harbour thing.

 

If your family is so important to you though, it seems a terrible shame that they don't know it.