TheyCallMeBruce Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Hey everyone, it's been a while. So I don't really know what to do about this situation: I met this girl, we'll call her Kate, almost six years ago. We remained friends because she dated a friend of mine for a while (that ended years ago and he's married now). Well, I recently moved away from my hometown, and she's now my neighbor. We hung out about a month ago, and we were drinking and snuggling on the couch. I thought I saw an opening (I should mention that this girl is extremely attractive), and tried to kiss her. She demurred, and said it was too weird, so I dropped it and that was that. Everything was still cool, and we chat and we made plans to go see a movie this coming Monday. Last night, I was bored, sitting on the couch. I texted her to see what she was up to. She was about to make some dinner, and invited me over to partake. I told her I'd already eaten dinner, but she said come over anyway to hang out, I said sure. I head over. We're hanging out, and I find myself snuggling with her on the couch, watching TV and chatting. Meanwhile, I'm lazily rubbing her side, and she's doing the same to my knee. I think nothing of it, other than it feels nice. As Colbert Report is wrapping up, I'm thinking about heading home, as I have work in the morning. She looks at me and say "OK, if we're going to do this, it's going to be in the dark, and you can't kiss me; that would be weird." Now, I should point out that I don't know what the **** she's talking about. She stands up and says "You have a choice. You can go right or left." Now, off to the right is the front door, and the left is where her bedroom is. Obviously I follow her to her bedroom. Obviously. Thing is, I still don't know what's going on. She's ruled out kissing! What the hell does that leave? So I sit down on her bed, and she turns off the lights and straddles me. And then starts taking off her cloths. And then mine. And, long story short, we end up having sex. But she was SERIOUS about the no kissing! Even during the sex, she wouldn't let me kiss her. Afterwards, we snuggle in her bed for about ten minutes, and she kicks me out and send me home. I haven't talked to her yet today. I want to, but I don't know what the hell to say. I've never been with a girl who refused to kiss, and I don't know what this means. Does it mean that she's only interested in sex? Does it mean that it was a one-time thing? Is this going to happen again when we hang out on Monday? I'm incredibly confused! Help!
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) It means she's into casual sex, but she doesn't want to mislead you into thinking she loves you or is even into you to any great degree. She's horny, but wanted to keep her distance. Because she can separate sex from love--which usually guys have an easier time with than girls--kissing for her is her symbol of intimacy, and she wanted to avoid intimacy in the current state of your relationship. Doesn't necessarily mean anything other than that from the way you described it. She may be open to doing it more, she may be open to a more serious relationship. If you want her to be your girlfriend, just try stepping up the intimacy, affection, and attention as much as you can until she's fine with you kissing her. If she keeps avoiding kissing for weeks or months, she sees you as a friend with benefits and not relationship material. If you really like her and want to be less uncertain whether she thinks you're relationship material, you'll have to ask her. Edited January 26, 2012 by EnigmaticClarity
salparadise Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 But she was SERIOUS about the no kissing! Even during the sex, she wouldn't let me kiss her. [...] Afterwards, we snuggle in her bed for about ten minutes, and she kicks me out and send me home. Sounds like to me picked up the wrong size batteries and didn't want to run back out to the store! Obviously she wanted sex without the intimacy. Next time take your handcuffs, ball gag, rope and pulleys and see just how far she'd like to go with this anonymous thing. Just don't take any fresh batteries or bananas. I think the serious answer is probably that she's afraid to love for fear of loosing control. The fact that she climbed on you took the initiative tends to support that notion. Control is usually compensation for fear.
ditzchic Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 She just wants sex and nothing more. I wouldn't think it's just a one time thing if she already made other plans with you. She's probably down for a f*ck buddy type thing. It's pretty obvious she wants no intimacy and her mind seems made up on that. I wouldn't try and pursue anything more than sex with her. She doesn't seem open to it at all.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Hookers don't kiss their clients either. You may have noticed that I quoted Pretty Woman with the thread title. I assumed that this was the case. I don't know what I want, but I do know that I feel incredibly conflicted, and that I don't know what to do at this moment. I want to talk to her or something, but I have no idea what I'd say.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 She just wants sex and nothing more. I wouldn't think it's just a one time thing if she already made other plans with you. She's probably down for a f*ck buddy type thing. It's pretty obvious she wants no intimacy and her mind seems made up on that. I wouldn't try and pursue anything more than sex with her. She doesn't seem open to it at all. I should note that Monday's plans were made before last night occurred. We've been planning this for a while. It's a special event at my local movie theater, and it's a nerdy thing that we're both into.
ditzchic Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 You may have noticed that I quoted Pretty Woman with the thread title. I assumed that this was the case. I don't know what I want, but I do know that I feel incredibly conflicted, and that I don't know what to do at this moment. I want to talk to her or something, but I have no idea what I'd say. If you are really this conflicted I think you should forget this ever happened and move on. Fast. Refusing to kiss someone is pretty extreme. Her mind is made up that she isn't attracted to you that way. You're in for some major heartbreak if you try and pursue this and develop an attachment or feelings for her.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I say you NEVER try to kiss her. SHe needs to come around, she needs to feel like youre not pressuring her for anything. Thats the only way she will want to find reasons to kiss you. Let her try, you dont try to kiss her from now on. But heres the long run problem, if she isnt attracted to you enough to want to kiss you, she probably will never fall for you. So make sure you keep your heart locked up and never give it to her, until she gives you hers first.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 She just wants sex and nothing more. I wouldn't think it's just a one time thing if she already made other plans with you. She's probably down for a f*ck buddy type thing. It's pretty obvious she wants no intimacy and her mind seems made up on that. I wouldn't try and pursue anything more than sex with her. She doesn't seem open to it at all. Why would you say she's not open to a relationship and her mind is made up? I didn't notice any specific evidence of that in his description.
ditzchic Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Why would you say she's not open to a relationship and her mind is made up? I didn't notice any specific evidence of that in his description. Because refusing to kiss someone is a total extreme. He kissed her once she stopped him and straight up refuses to do it again. It's a clear cut indicator that she isn't into him. She's not attracted to him in a romantic way. But yet she had sex with him. She's using him to fulfill that need. Plus she presented him with a choice. Walk out the door or f*ck me on my terms of me using you as a f*ck stick only. If she were open to more possibilities she wouldn't have presented herself that way. I'm ashamed to admit, but when I was younger and dumber I was this girl once. I had a f*ck buddy who I refused to kiss. It was after a bad breakup. I had no feelings for him, barely even a physical attraction and honestly he creeped me out a bit. But he was willing, ready and great in bed so I used him to fulfill that need. There was absolutely zero chance of anything developing and it was safe. That was the only reason I even started with it in the first place. There was no kissing because there was no attraction. I didn't feel comfortable kissing someone I wasn't attracted to. I'm betting dollars to donuts it's the same with this girl.
mitchell Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Very odd. Perhaps this really is a barrier to intimacy. How about oral sex? Did she let you go down on her? Did she go down on you??
Eddie Edirol Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Because refusing to kiss someone is a total extreme. He kissed her once she stopped him and straight up refuses to do it again. It's a clear cut indicator that she isn't into him. She's not attracted to him in a romantic way. But yet she had sex with him. She's using him to fulfill that need. Plus she presented him with a choice. Walk out the door or f*ck me on my terms of me using you as a f*ck stick only. If she were open to more possibilities she wouldn't have presented herself that way. I'm ashamed to admit, but when I was younger and dumber I was this girl once. I had a f*ck buddy who I refused to kiss. It was after a bad breakup. I had no feelings for him, barely even a physical attraction and honestly he creeped me out a bit. But he was willing, ready and great in bed so I used him to fulfill that need. There was absolutely zero chance of anything developing and it was safe. That was the only reason I even started with it in the first place. There was no kissing because there was no attraction. I didn't feel comfortable kissing someone I wasn't attracted to. I'm betting dollars to donuts it's the same with this girl. Not only that she made sure the lights were off so she couldnt see him. Probably so she could fantasize about someone else. Maybe her ex.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Because refusing to kiss someone is a total extreme. He kissed her once she stopped him and straight up refuses to do it again. It's a clear cut indicator that she isn't into him. She's not attracted to him in a romantic way. But yet she had sex with him. She's using him to fulfill that need. Plus she presented him with a choice. Walk out the door or f*ck me on my terms of me using you as a f*ck stick only. If she were open to more possibilities she wouldn't have presented herself that way. I'm ashamed to admit, but when I was younger and dumber I was this girl once. I had a f*ck buddy who I refused to kiss. It was after a bad breakup. I had no feelings for him, barely even a physical attraction and honestly he creeped me out a bit. But he was willing, ready and great in bed so I used him to fulfill that need. There was absolutely zero chance of anything developing and it was safe. That was the only reason I even started with it in the first place. There was no kissing because there was no attraction. I didn't feel comfortable kissing someone I wasn't attracted to. I'm betting dollars to donuts it's the same with this girl. That's great feedback for the OP, you could be right. I'd look for evidence of this during the next meet, drop as many hints to see if that's her mindset, and if it is, sort of mentally move on, and if you like, continue letting her use you as a ****stick.
EnigmaticClarity Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Not only that she made sure the lights were off so she couldnt see him. Probably so she could fantasize about someone else. Maybe her ex. Possible--he should keep that in mind, but a high number of women prefer lights off no matter who they're with, so it's extremely circumstantial.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Very odd. Perhaps this really is a barrier to intimacy. How about oral sex? Did she let you go down on her? Did she go down on you?? I went down on her and she was all about it. I went right from that to intercourse, so I don't know if she would have gone down on me. Not only that she made sure the lights were off so she couldnt see him. Probably so she could fantasize about someone else. Maybe her ex. This did occur to me, but she kept moaning my name, so I don't think that was the issue.
Eddie Edirol Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 This did occur to me, but she kept moaning my name, so I don't think that was the issue. Well thats quite a twist... Hey FitChick, did you call out the name of the guy you refused to kiss and had sex with in your younger days? I honestly dont know if calling out the name is an intimacy thing, or if it can be disconnected. I wonder if she was doing it for your benefit more than hers.
ditzchic Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Well thats quite a twist... Hey FitChick, did you call out the name of the guy you refused to kiss and had sex with in your younger days? I honestly dont know if calling out the name is an intimacy thing, or if it can be disconnected. I wonder if she was doing it for your benefit more than hers. It wasn't fitchick. It was me!! We don't want to accuse fitchick of being as whorish as I was. lol. That is indeed weird that she was calling out your name a lot. I can recall once or twice when I moaned his name while he was going down on me particularly well but it definitely wasn't a huge deal. I didn't do it all the time and if I did it certainly wasn't a trigger for me as I really can't recall doing it for a specific reason (we are talking about 5 or so years ago). I don't really think calling out someone's name is necessarily a sign of intimacy as I've done it with guys I wasn't really that connected with just as a way to spice things up a bit. I even used the wrong name once. I called him by a shortened version of his name that I forgot he hated. lol. But if she was doing it a lot and it seemed like a 'thing' there could be something to it. Or she could have been doing it for your benefit. But if you were strictly just dick for her she wouldn't care so much about your benefit... Just be careful with this one, Bruce. I think if you get too invested in it there is a really good possibility you'll get burned.
Star Gazer Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 You may have noticed that I quoted Pretty Woman with the thread title. Yup. You already called it. She is not interested in sharing any level of emotion with you. There's nothing to discuss.
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Thing is, I'd be cool with just being FWBs, but I don't know how to promote this.
silvermercy Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) It's easy to see what's going on. Just reverse the situation: Say it was a man refusing to kiss the girl during sex. What would most of the answers be for the girl (who wants a relationship but not a FWB situation)? Most possibly of the "Run Forest, run!" type. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean the reverse doesn't happen. You were her booty call that night. She took the initiative and control in everything. As to why she asked for a dark room it's probably because she a) fantasized about someone else and/or b) didn't want to establish an emotional connection with you by looking at your face expressions. (I think the latter is most possible). If you're OK with FWB, then all you have to do is ask her straight what she thinks. I doubt she'll take offense given all that. But just because you're male and think you can separate emotions more easily than women, doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful. (You may even get sidetracked from meeting the girl of your dreams while having a FWB situation. So good luck). Edited January 26, 2012 by silvermercy
Author TheyCallMeBruce Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 I'll report back after our date on Monday.
cerridwen Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 I'll report back after our date on Monday. At what time? I want to be here.
turt Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Am I the only one thinking another reason for it? Maybe she has something she doesn't want to give to you...
Shaun-Dro Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Because refusing to kiss someone is a total extreme. He kissed her once she stopped him and straight up refuses to do it again. It's a clear cut indicator that she isn't into him. She's not attracted to him in a romantic way. But yet she had sex with him. She's using him to fulfill that need. Plus she presented him with a choice. Walk out the door or f*ck me on my terms of me using you as a f*ck stick only. If she were open to more possibilities she wouldn't have presented herself that way. I'm ashamed to admit, but when I was younger and dumber I was this girl once. I had a f*ck buddy who I refused to kiss. It was after a bad breakup. I had no feelings for him, barely even a physical attraction and honestly he creeped me out a bit. But he was willing, ready and great in bed so I used him to fulfill that need. There was absolutely zero chance of anything developing and it was safe. That was the only reason I even started with it in the first place. There was no kissing because there was no attraction. I didn't feel comfortable kissing someone I wasn't attracted to. I'm betting dollars to donuts it's the same with this girl. I've had situations with women where I just went straight to kissing all on their neck, so not kissing the lips didn't matter to me. A guy has to kiss on something of the woman's body to get him worked up to have sex, right?
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