TomJerry Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Long story... been in the relationship for 8 years and had to break up for things which were not in control. I feel she has completely moved on...... I am not able to have a closure because I am not sure if she has moved on... and there are lot of contradicting statements/actions from her leaving me confused. When a women says 'you have a special place in my heart which no one else can have' weeks before she getting married to someone else, what does it mean? In the 11 years, there was not one single day we didn't speak - but she gets irritated if I ask why she couldn't mail which hardly takes a second. And this is the first time ever we haven't spoken for 2 weeks - she is getting married and doesn't want to be disturbed. She'll come back and call. - How is it so easy not speaking for 2 weeks while holding a special place? I am just trying to understand what's in her head. Does she *love* this new guy in her life?
Frank13 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I would say she does love the new guy. Women are master manipulators. She loves the new guy but wants you in her life too, ie wanting her cake and eating it too. She tells you these things to keep you on a string. Women like attention. It doesn't matter if they are married or committed to someone, they still will accept any and all attention from other guys. You could also be her backup plan if the marriage thing doesn't work out, but would you want to be the backup for someone who was chosen over you? The fact she doesn't want to email means you aren't worth the effort. Talk is cheap and it is easy to say things to keep a guy hanging on, even if she doesn't mean it. She's with a new guy and has her own life. That is why it is so easy for her not to talk for two weeks. She isn't sitting around doing nothing. Go NC as a test and ignore her if she tries to contact you. See how desperate she gets to contact you. I have a suspicion that she won't.
Author TomJerry Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Thanks Frank, I have tried it before, ignore and not reply.... Some times she get's really desperate and calls/mails me pages but some times she just doesn't care. When I ask her she always has a reason up her sleeve to give it to me and that really hurts me. I just want to know what she wants and not to be in the grey area
Million.to.1 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I feel for you. You do have a special place in her heart. Know that. She is speaking the truth. She means that and only that. It doesn't mean she can be with you. I just read your other post too, and you need to move on. She is marrying someone else. I am sure that she loves you, and i'm sure she wants you to be happy too ... but without her. It must be painful for her to see that you are still not over her and that is why her contact is limited and awkward. She feels guilty and sad. And you can't have a friendship based on that. Your happiness is still wrapped up in her and she can't give you what you want. I really think the best thing for you to do is to stop contacting her until you are really sure that you can see her and not feel like you are now. This may take a long time, and that's ok... I think it would be good for you and would also show respect to her and her new husband to not be needing any form friendship/contact from her for a while. She will understand and you cannot be fearful that this will stop her from caring about you. You need the space for yourself. You never gave yourself the space away from her to truly move on, and this is why it's gone on for so long. This was a long and life changing relationship for both of you and will always mean alot... But you need to let go. Be happy to have had it and seek out new and exciting things for your life like she has. I know that deep down in your heart, in the place that doesn't have an agenda or an ego, you really love her - unconditionally, and you are happy that she is happy. She only wants the same for you. I promise. Now go find it.
Author TomJerry Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Thanks Million to 1, I don't want to sound like fallen, but is this it? If I don't contact her again, will she not want to get back together or even think about me at all? I mean we were together from puberty and we are past 30 now and 6 months back she use to miss me, missing talking to me all this just before she met this guy. I talked her through even when she met him for the first time.... Right from the next day, her priorities changed in a BIG way, I mean it was so evident that she had changed so much.... She flew 1000's of miles and moved to a different country to be with him..... How can a person change so fast? Is this the end?
Million.to.1 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Yes Tom. It's the end. Of course she missed you. Of course she cares about you. But she has moved on with her life now and you need to as well. It doesn't mean she doesn't still care or want you in her life, but as you are, you are no good to her as a friend. She can't let you go, even though it hurts her. You can reconnect with her down the line. When the time is right. When you can be truly be friends. But that is not now, next week, next month or next year even. You need to find yourself and be open to new love coming into your life. You need to see that she is not the only woman who can love you and share a life with you. Right now, contact with her is only holding you back. And it's holding her back too. You need to give yourself the GIFT of space and TIME. No one says is it easy letting go of someone you love, but you don't have to let her go. She is a huge part of of who you are, but right now, seeing and talking with her is not a good thing for you, don't you see? You must be strict with yourself. 6 months, to start, no contact. At all. If you need to write her a brief email explaining you need time away then do that. She will understand. You cannot hold onto the fear of losing her from your life as an excuse to keep holding out in hope that she will wake up one day and want you back. It will be you who will wake up, old and alone. ...and you don't want that. She will understand why you need space and I am sure that she wants nothing more than for you to move on with your life, meet a nice girl and be happy. She will not forget about you...You were important in her life too. You have to give yourself the opportunity for new and wonderful things to happen, and while you are stuck on her being the only love of your life, it never will. Go traveling, move cities... do what you need to do. You need to change and start something fresh in your life, just like she has. I know it's hard, but there is good things coming.. you just have to let them.
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Hrm I responded to your other thread before reading this one. While she has moved on, she either wants to keep you from moving on... or you are asking questions and she is responding to them in a nice way so you don't hate her. Either way, it's not a mature route to go down. But yes, she is gone. Pity her for the action she is taking while with someone else, and pity her new man as I am sure he is not aware of such actions. Either way, you need to start healing and move on from this mess.
Author TomJerry Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 Just to clarify: We broke up 5 years ago and we have remained friends. She was single and I was in a steady relationship.. My GF knew about my EX too.... My Ex and I called it water under the bridge long ago & there is no way we could be together or even have coffee because we are continents apart. All the while, although I was in a relationship and she use to call/mail/text and we use to speak for long hours on the phone. There are so many instances I have cancelled dates with my gf just to talk to her or stayed awake late nights to talk to her because of the time difference - nothing specific.. about friends, college [we have a lot of friends in common]. I feel a huge part of me is missing I guess what I am angry about is that just because she has some one else in her life now, she doesn't have time for me not even a sec, while I always went that extra mile to make her feel better while she was alone. There was love, missing all those words as long as she was single - There is a BIG change in her attitude and priorities. I feel stupid for having been holding back for her. Only when this is happening I realized I love her to death and I have missed the boat and while I could make it work, I looked at all the wrong things in her and broke it. There is no way I will get a second chance with her, I knew it all along but only when this is happening it's like being hit by a train and there is nothing I can do I just hope and pray that I get a second chance.
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