AmberJ Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I've been going out with my boyfriend around 4 months at the most. We're both 21. This is his first actual relationship and he seems to be absolutely in love with the fact that someone likes him. He's already started talking about moving in together and getting married. When he starts talking about these things I don't really know how to reply. I know I should have flat out old him that was too intense when he mentioned it last month, but I was too caught off guard to mutter anything other than "uhh I mean maybe... one day... in the future..." It seems that every conversation we have revolves around how much he loves me, or how he's never been happier before. Our dialogue seems to lack any actual substance because all that he wants to talk about is this infatuation. I want to break up with him but I'm not sure about how to go about it. It's going to blindside him I know and I'm worried about how he's going to take it. Any advice on how to let him down? Thank you.
Exit Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Well it probably wouldn't come as such a blindside to him if you had found a way to address these issues as they were happening. I feel sorry for the guy, it seems unfair that he probably doesn't even know how much this bothers you. I don't think I'll ever figure out how females expect to get what they want when they can't say it out loud. I can understand you felt backed into a corner and didn't know how to respond to him at the exact moment he was saying these things, but as time went by and you found yourself still bothered by it, you could have sat down with him and said "look, talking about that stuff is way too heavy for me right now, I just want to enjoy our relationship for what it is". Maybe he would have understood and thus a relationship wouldn't be going down the drain. Anyways, as far as letting him down, all you can do is tell him how those things made you feel, although now it's a little too late for it to do any good. Tell him exactly what you said here, that he seems infatuated and you never talk about anything else, you never enjoy the moments you share together at face value because he's always talking about 20 years down the line instead of the here and now. Don't make it your priority to "let him down easily", make it your priority to be as honest as you can possibly can. That may not be easy for you, but if he's about to get his heart broken, you can endure a little hardship yourself. It'll pay off for you in the long run anyway, you don't want to earn yourself an ex who contacts you for months saying "you never gave me a reason, I don't understand what happened". Tell him exactly what the problem is and that your feelings have changed. In the future, instead of just identifying what you don't like about other people, try to examine where you may have room for improvement too. Sounds like you could communicate better when something is bothering you and give your partner a fighting chance to make things right before they end up back on the singles market.
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Ah, the first relationship jitters. I remember these totally and went in head over heels as well. We all need to grow, but if you like this person you can encourage his growth before making a decision to leave him. I'd mention how you are quite happy that him having you in his life makes him happy, but these long term decisions still are far away and you would like to get to know him more as a person. This may shock him as he is in lala land right now; so you can assure him it is nothing bad, but the important thing right now to make the relationship last is to get to know each other on a deeper level. If you want to give him a shot, give that a try. He may resist and actually get angry or defensive, he may shake off the jitters and you might have a chance at something. But if he gets angry, you have to make a decision. If you've had enough and want to leave I'd agree that honesty would be the best choice here.
BoredAgain Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I want to break up with him but I'm not sure about how to go about it. It's going to blindside him I know and I'm worried about how he's going to take it. Any advice on how to let him down? Thank you. I can tell you right now, he's not going to take it well. The guy is neck deep in the honeymoon phase, so dumping him is going to be like taking away a junky's pipe. The best thing to do is just be honest and clear, and avoid giving him any false hope. In other words, avoid phrases like, "I just don't feel the spark" or "it's not you, it's me" or "maybe someday our love lives will intersect again" or "let's just try to be friends." That's all cliche, vague, and unhelpful.
BoredAgain Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Ah, the first relationship jitters. I remember these totally and went in head over heels as well. Definitely. I remember being 15 or 16 and totally IN LOVE with my sort-of-girlfriend... and then she totally ripped my heart out. A decade later I can actually laugh at the situation, but I remember how horrible it felt. I still allow myself to go through that honeymoon phase, but I learned to take it with a grain of salt. So when I think, "I know I've only known her for a few months but I can see us growing old together," I keep it to myself and am aware that it's the brain-chemicals talking. Also, I've never been nearly as devastated as I was when I was 16.
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