DeusExMachina Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Recently, a friend of mine expressed to me that she wants our relationship to become physical; moreover, a friends with benefits relationship. I would like to know some basic ground rules we should establish to help ensure the survival of the friendship(not that it's even possible) when things change in our lives that the FWB ends. I truly value the friendship we have built up over the past few months and am a bit apprehensive since this may totally destroy the friendship. Back story if it helps with what rules I should apply: We meet about 14+ years ago in college and were in an FWB relationship. After a few weeks I started to develop feelings for her and started to get scared. At the time I was 19 and she was 18 with a 1 year old daughter, I was not sure i could handle the kid at 19 and bailed on her. She obviously had feelings for me and was very hurt by it, which I always have felt bad over. We went our separate ways and never saw each other again for the past 14 years. During that time I got married and had 2 beautiful girls and just recently got divorced. My ex and I grew apart over the past 2 years and the divorce was a mutual decision. I rejoined the dating world dated for a bit and randomly came across her on Facebook. We eventually went on a date. I had not expectations for the date other then to catch up and apologize for being an coward 14 years earlier. It turned out to be the single most amazing date I had ever been on. She told me that it was amazing for her as well. I've learned that she was in an 11 year semi-long distance relationship that she put an end to permanently in December of last year after being devastated by finding out her ex had a completely separate relationship in the other city he worked out of. We made out in the beginning, but when I expressed my feelings toward her she told me she saw me as "just a friend." I no longer pushed that and just enjoyed my time hanging out with her as a friend. I would only communicate with her if she initiated the conversation. She continued to want to go on "dates" and told me how much fun she had with me and how wonderful I am. Just before Christmas she seemed to really "open up" to me emotionally and I felt I should test the waters again. After another amazing "date" I went for the kiss and was turned down nicely. I was very embarrassed, but she didn't seem to phased by it and even invited me over with her and her family on Christmas Eve. When she asked to come over to watch a movie at my place and she expressed that she want us to be FWB, I was floored to say the least. I learned that she wanted to kiss me when she turned me down. but was afraid I would think we would be in a relationship then. She said she doesn't want a relationship now since her last relationship was very oppressive and she is re-discovering herself. She said she is worried that she will hurt me. She also said the following day about the same subject that she is very scared... I kind of get the feeling that she really is the one scared of being hurt. I've been in a few FWB in the past and they always end up with her becoming very emotionally invested and a little messy afterwards. I'm kind of hoping she does and it leads to more then a FWB relationship. I'm not one to obsess or get attached easily, but I have stronger feelings for her then just a friendship; however, I'm not afraid of being hurt. I know that is the wrong reason to start a FWB relationship, but I also have my physical needs and I really am one who enjoys lots of sex. My intentions are dual purposed. Any constructive comments or suggestions are greatly welcomed, thx!
salparadise Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 You're developing feelings for each other, she says she doesn't want a relationship and holds you at arms length, you are inclined to want more already, and out of the blue she offers a FWB arrangement... I don't think it can end well to be honest. If you're already getting attached and start sleeping with her that will pretty much have you locked in emotionally, and with her in control of the whole deal and being free to date others, etc. If I were you I'd play this hand very carefully so as not to loose the potential that exists to get what you want. You really don't want to end up just having to accept whatever scraps she's willing to toss your way even if it does mean getting laid. You need to bring her along slowly, keep her wanting more as well. If she gets you exactly where she wants you on this deal she may loose interest.
FitChick Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 She had a long distance relationship for eleven years and found it too oppressive? This woman has problems. Sounds like she needs to be in control. I hope you've had a vasectomy.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) Yeah she definitely seems to have some serious issues, she could either be pushing you away because of abandonment, fear of emotional attachment, or maybe she just knows emotionally she isn't there yet or will ever be. It's a difficult hand for you to play in a sense because her emotions and issues are going to take some time to decipher but they definitely huge. I'm sure you have your own baggage however to a degree but prob not on her level. If you do engage in a FWB with her (honestly I think that's going to be near impossible for you to avoid) then enjoy the present moment with her but don't let your emotions gravitate to the level of where you start creating problems or demanding more because she isn't giving or investing in enough back. I wouldn't turn this into a dramatic situation even though by you engaging with her sexually is just about guaranteed. I think all you can do is apply damage control and do your best to stop when things feel overbearing. Oh and the Rules: - Don't spend too much "quality" time together - Avoid deeply emotional conversations - Avoid conversation about life and the future - Avoid spending a lot of time w her family and friends - Maintain your own separate life and keep a comfortable different - be independent - Keep it simple and positive - Don't pressure her for a relationship or whether she's having a change of heart - Know when to walk away Personally I'd just understand she is a very damaged woman and has many issues from that, and I wouldn't want to attribute to that by bringing myself into her life and adding more drama. But then again I'm someone who is capable of compartmentalizing and guarding my emotions, like most people who have been through a lot in their lives I just do it a consistently high level, and that's what you may need for this. You have to always think about her, care about her more than yourself. Edited January 26, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
Author DeusExMachina Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 She had a long distance relationship for eleven years and found it too oppressive? This woman has problems. Sounds like she needs to be in control. I hope you've had a vasectomy. I believe i said semi-long distance more of bouncing between 2 cities, but its a bit more complicated then that considering the length of the relationship.
Author DeusExMachina Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Yeah she definitely seems to have some serious issues, she could either be pushing you away because of abandonment, fear of emotional attachment, or maybe she just knows emotionally she isn't there yet or will ever be. It's a difficult hand for you to play in a sense because her emotions and issues are going to take some time to decipher but they definitely huge. I'm sure you have your own baggage however to a degree but prob not on her level. If you do engage in a FWB with her (honestly I think that's going to be near impossible for you to avoid) then enjoy the present moment with her but don't let your emotions gravitate to the level of where you start creating problems or demanding more because she isn't giving or investing in enough back. I wouldn't turn this into a dramatic situation even though by you engaging with her sexually is just about guaranteed. I think all you can do is apply damage control and do your best to stop when things feel overbearing. Oh and the Rules: - Don't spend too much "quality" time together - Avoid deeply emotional conversations - Avoid conversation about life and the future - Avoid spending a lot of time w her family and friends - Maintain your own separate life and keep a comfortable different - be independent - Keep it simple and positive - Don't pressure her for a relationship or whether she's having a change of heart - Know when to walk away Personally I'd just understand she is a very damaged woman and has many issues from that, and I wouldn't want to attribute to that by bringing myself into her life and adding more drama. But then again I'm someone who is capable of compartmentalizing and guarding my emotions, like most people who have been through a lot in their lives I just do it a consistently high level, and that's what you may need for this. You have to always think about her, care about her more than yourself. Thx Ninja. Like you I've been good at separating emotions from decision making most of my life. One of the benefits and issues of being of a rational mind set. I would be lying if emotion never clouded my judgement.
Author DeusExMachina Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 You're developing feelings for each other, she says she doesn't want a relationship and holds you at arms length, you are inclined to want more already, and out of the blue she offers a FWB arrangement... I don't think it can end well to be honest. If you're already getting attached and start sleeping with her that will pretty much have you locked in emotionally, and with her in control of the whole deal and being free to date others, etc. If I were you I'd play this hand very carefully so as not to loose the potential that exists to get what you want. You really don't want to end up just having to accept whatever scraps she's willing to toss your way even if it does mean getting laid. You need to bring her along slowly, keep her wanting more as well. If she gets you exactly where she wants you on this deal she may loose interest. I don't know how much slower we can go... we've been "dating" since May of last year. I do see you point and I never considered it from that point of view. All may previous FWB ended a bit messy, but I have to say I'm still friends with all of the ones I'm still in contact with... including my ex wife
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