Mcnulty Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 It's been 3 and a half months. No contact after she went off with my friend with no explanation. Very tough 3 and a half months, trying to accept and understand why it happened, lost my family over their lack of support, i still am on the outside looking in with them, agonising illness that has thankfully gone, close friend just died. I still think about her lots, still miss her, am not angry anymore. I just want to feel like I'm accepting it and getting over it...I don't feel like I am. Haven't saw her....saw her car last week in my supermarket...she lives in another town so got a huge shock...my heart jumped so much...that told me I'm still not over her and it's really troubling me. My question is, how long do you think it will take? We were together for 8 years.
Exit Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 There really are no laws for how this stuff works. There are all sorts of crazy ideas floating around, one of them being 1 month of recovery for each year you were together. So in your case since you were together for a long time that would be 8 months. But I think it's kinda silly to follow guidelines like that. It might just cause you more pain. Maybe you could actually heal sooner than that, but if you have this idea planted in your brain, you'll think to yourself "I'm supposed to give it at least 8 months". The flip side of that is if it takes you longer, you'll think "oh no what's wrong with me I'm supposed to feel better already". There is no timeline unfortunately. If you can manage to find other things to be happy about in life, you'll heal faster. If fate smiles upon you and you end up meeting someone new, you'll get over it faster. If life decides to be rough on you for a few months, you might find yourself still thinking of her. 8 years is a long relationship, I've never had to deal with "letting go" of something that lasted that long. You're handling it very well if you've made it 3 months and aren't trying to contact her or anything. I hope you feel better soon.
WordvAction Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Depends on a lot of factors. Are you still in contact with her? If so, the process will take much longer.
Philosoraptor Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I agree, there is no set time. I've seen people hang onto a few month relationship for years and not heal, and ones with very long relationships be fully healed in a matter of months. It all comes down to how you take care of yourself and what you are doing with the time apart. If you are growing, forgiving, and finding peace... your time to heal will be significantly shorter.
Author Mcnulty Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 Thanks for the replys guys, much appreciated. I am growing a little and forgiving, I am not angry at the betrayal anymore, which feels kind of weird writing. I keep getting caller withheld on my landline and it just sparks my mind off again as that's what she used to do last time we broke up...makes me think about her and miss her again. Having a rough day today, thinking about her. Want to chase her memory out of my psyche, but it isn't going to happen in the near future. My patience is decreasing as time is increasing, I'm missing her terribly and I feel weak for doing this. My friend says, "keep thinking of what she did to you"...I'm trying, but it's so bloody hard....tired of it all, the merry go round games/images of her in my head.
Frank13 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Having a rough day today, thinking about her. Want to chase her memory out of my psyche, but it isn't going to happen in the near future. My patience is decreasing as time is increasing, I'm missing her terribly and I feel weak for doing this. My friend says, "keep thinking of what she did to you"...I'm trying, but it's so bloody hard....tired of it all, the merry go round games/images of her in my head. I am at the same place. I don't want her in my life but I can't get her out of my head. I was happy the first couple weeks of NC and then I started missing her. When I lay down to go to sleep, I try to focus on thoughts other than her but some event or nice time we had will pop into my head and I get wide awake. I don't want her back. I just want her out of my life and head but it isn't happening.
Zaphod B Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) I believe a huge amount of it has to do with your personality. Some hold onto things a lot longer than others. Others are able to brush things off and move on without difficulty. Don't want to scare you but for me it took nearly 2 years. And I'd only been with her a about a month. Crazy huh? Now I'm with a new woman and just found out last week she knows my ex and that my ex is a good friend of her best friend. I'm actually looking forward to showing my ex just how happy I am, just how mistaken she was about me and just what she threw away. Karma's a bitch. Edited February 1, 2012 by Zaphod B
Frank13 Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Don't want to scare you but for me it took nearly 2 years. And I'd only been with her a about a month. Crazy huh? Now I'm with a new woman and just found out last week she knows my ex and that my ex is a good friend of her best friend. I'm actually looking forward to showing my ex just how happy I am, just how mistaken she was about me and just what she threw away. Karma's a bitch. Let us know how that turns out!
RecordProducer Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 Poor thing. I am so sorry about your friend and everything. :(Hang in there, hon. The best is yet to come. My question is, how long do you think it will take? We were together for 8 years.Who knows? May be a year or two, but depends on when you will let go. You may meet Ms. Right next Tuesday and be over your ex the following Monday. A change of scenery always helps.
Author Mcnulty Posted February 19, 2012 Author Posted February 19, 2012 I have met someone, she's lovely, pretty and v down to earth, unlike my ex, but, I'm distancing myself from her at times. I really like her, but dont think that spark is there for me. I dont want to lead her on, but really the thought of being alone with my thoughts of the ex haunting my head and my dreams is scaring me. That's selfish I know. Once again today i pull into the supermarket carpark and her car is there, my heart jumps and the lame person i am, i drove away. Why would she be down here...she lives right next to same supermarket 10 miles away in another town...just unsettles me and makes me realize I'm stuck at the moment and not over her by a long shot...getting annoyed with myself for remaining stagnant and not able to move on.
Mr Scorpio Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 I wouldn't go so far as to say that you are stagnant. Afterall, you have met a new person whom you admire. That is more than a lot of people would be doing a mere three months after an eight-year relationship. As for your heart jumping when you see her car? That isn't your fault, it is reflexive. You're only human afterall, right?
Bito Posted February 20, 2012 Posted February 20, 2012 Does the new girl your seeing know of your situation? I would make it clear to her that you are not emotionally ready for another committed relationship. I understand this may be difficult to do considering you fear being alone. However, that does not give you the right to use someone as an emotional crutch to help you move on. The hard way is usually the best way...
Author Mcnulty Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 I agree with you Bitto. It ended and it was my fault, because of my mindset. She deserves better and I wish her the best. Back to being on my own. I've spent the whole day on my own, tried to keep busy. I have to give myself time to heal...alone.
Frank13 Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 Once again today i pull into the supermarket carpark and her car is there, my heart jumps and the lame person i am, i drove away. Why would she be down here...she lives right next to same supermarket 10 miles away in another town...just unsettles me and makes me realize I'm stuck at the moment and not over her by a long shot...getting annoyed with myself for remaining stagnant and not able to move on. You are not lame for driving away. I would have done the same thing. Seeing her would set you back. You did the smart thing. Are you sure it is her car? Do you think maybe she works there? Kind of odd you have seen it twice with her living next to the same supermarket 10 miles away.
Author Mcnulty Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 Yes, it's her car. No she doesn't work there. Either she's there twice to rub my nose in and is with my ex friend still, or she is...I dont know, plays with my head though. Haven't physically saw her in 4 months with her living in another town. I still love her and am not even angry at the betrayal anymore...dont know if that's classed as healing or not.
sweetheart5381 Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I believe a huge amount of it has to do with your personality. Some hold onto things a lot longer than others. Others are able to brush things off and move on without difficulty. Don't want to scare you but for me it took nearly 2 years. And I'd only been with her a about a month. Crazy huh? Now I'm with a new woman and just found out last week she knows my ex and that my ex is a good friend of her best friend. I'm actually looking forward to showing my ex just how happy I am, just how mistaken she was about me and just what she threw away. Karma's a bitch. I agree, each person is different. I also think the level of intimacy that you felt with the other also plays a huge part as well as knowing why the relationship ended. I was with my ex for about 8 months commitedly, not a long time to most but I allowed him to see the deepest parts of me (I opened up as he pursued me for several months before I would go out on a date with him). I allowed myself to be the most vulnerable with him compared to any other partner - 2 previous long term relationships before, 8 yrs and 5 yrs. In each of those previous relationships I worked to keep it healthy and happy til they were just no longer viable. I moved on quickly after them, was ready to move on after only a few months, likely because I was satisfied that I did what I could to make it work and I kept them at a distance to a certain degree. (I learned too that I caused probs in these relationships because of said distance... I learned a valuable lesson in these breakups) In my current case, I think it will take longer for me, as my intimacy level was much higher and he broke up with me out of anger that I didnt give him "space", rather than having a concrete reason to break up other than "I dont know what I want... I need space". When you don't have a chance to understand why it ended it can be very difficult to move on. Still a work in progress for me. To me, the deeper the intimacy and a good understanding of why it ended will determine how long it takes to get over it and move on.
Old Flame Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Who gets over ex's? I never have. I just keep moving forward. I miss all my ex's that left me. I feel it when I bump into them or see them from a distance. If someone doesn't want to be with you, why cry about it. why would you waste a tear on someone who doesn't want you? I wouldn't want to be with any of my ex's because i don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want me. I wouldn't expect anyone to be with me that I didn't want.
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