Boyfriend doesn't seem like he wants me to go on trip

[Onlyjonley]

My boyfriend is going to see his family in a few weeks before his brother and sister-in-law move to India for their jobs. His brother lives about 5 hours away right now, so my boyfriend is driving down and his parents are flying up from Texas. They are just going to spend time together as a family for 2 or 3 days.

 

When he found out about this little gathering last week, he told me about it and said I was more than welcome to go with him. I told him "Sure, but I don't want to intrude if it's just a family thing." and he said "No, not at all. You can totally come."

 

He didn't mention anything else about it for a few days, so I brought it up again. He said "You can come if you really want to, I just don't know where you'd stay. I can ask." He seemed completely uninterested in me going.

 

I asked him again this morning if he had found out anything about where I'd stay. He responded with "I looked at the email my mom sent me again and it looks like they're only getting 2 hotel rooms. Probably one for them and one for me and I doubt they'd be crazy about us staying the same hotel room." (His parents are old school.)

 

Me: Well, what about your brother's place?

Him: I could see if I could sleep on their couch and you take the hotel room.

Me: Okay. It's not a big deal if not. I just wanted to meet them before they left.

Him: Yeah I'm sorry, I wanted you to meet them, too. Maybe next time.

 

(This was all through text messages this morning)

His last response made it seem like he wasn't even going to try to work out the sleeping situation or attempt to find a place for me to stay. He just seems less than enthused about the idea of me going. I feel like if he really wanted me to go, he'd work something out.

 

1. Why would he invite me in the first place?

2. Am I over analyzing this and making something out of nothing?

3. I plan on discussing it more with him later when I can actually talk to him and when I'm less irritated. When I'm irritated, I tend to bring up things in an accusatory tone and I don't want to do that.

 

I've met his part of his family before. We got along really well. We've even talked about taking a road trip to his hometown this summer to stay at his parents' house. And his brother and sister-in-law were even going to drive up for a couple days earlier this month to meet me and hang out with us. My boy seemed pumped about that. But they had something else come up last minute and weren't able to come.

 

So I'm confused.

[FitChick]

Since you aren't married, you're not part of his family. This looks like a family reunion.

[zengirl]

He probably was good with you coming until he realized the logistics would be difficult. Sounds like it has more to do with his family than it does with you. I would just let it be and stay home, personally.

[carhill]

To me, easy to work out as a team.

 

'Hon, I think I'll get us a hotel room', meaning he and you will procure and occupy one on your own, no connection to his family at all. This sends the message that you are a couple and live life on your own terms, not those dictated by outsiders (to your relationship). If his family frowns upon your cohabitation in a hotel room, that is their prerogative. They're not paying for it. My conscience would be clear.

 

What can you do?

 

At this point, leave this situation alone. Establish a boundary in your mind and, after the trip has concluded, however it works out, communicate it. Give him specific examples of what you want to meet that boundary rather than telling him what he did 'wrong'.

 

As an example, regarding your road trip, you could (example, not advice) say 'I'll be happy to get us a hotel room when we visit your parents this summer. How do you feel about that?'

 

1. Why would he invite me in the first place?

Unknown. Ask him. My guess is he's being polite, at minimum.

2. Am I over analyzing this and making something out of nothing?

If you aren't feeling positive and included, that's a canary in your primary relationship, IMO

3. I plan on discussing it more with him later when I can actually talk to him and when I'm less irritated. When I'm irritated, I tend to bring up things in an accusatory tone and I don't want to do that.

 

Sounds good. Table it for now and see how it goes.

[Onlyjonley]

To me, easy to work out as a team.

 

'Hon, I think I'll get us a hotel room', meaning he and you will procure and occupy one on your own, no connection to his family at all. This sends the message that you are a couple and live life on your own terms, not those dictated by outsiders (to your relationship). If his family frowns upon your cohabitation in a hotel room, that is their prerogative. They're not paying for it. My conscience would be clear.

 

What can you do?

 

At this point, leave this situation alone. Establish a boundary in your mind and, after the trip has concluded, however it works out, communicate it. Give him specific examples of what you want to meet that boundary rather than telling him what he did 'wrong'.

 

As an example, regarding your road trip, you could (example, not advice) say 'I'll be happy to get us a hotel room when we visit your parents this summer. How do you feel about that?'

 

Unknown. Ask him. My guess is he's being polite, at minimum.

If you aren't feeling positive and included, that's a canary in your primary relationship, IMO

 

 

Sounds good. Table it for now and see how it goes.

 

There's no way he'd get a hotel room with me. He respects his parents immensely and wouldn't go against their wishes on a trip they planned, which is fine with me. If we were to go visit my parents, I'd feel the same way. That's not my issue with the whole thing.

 

And yes, I'm thinking he was just being polite and that's the reason he invited me. Or maybe as zengirl stated, he hadn't thought about the details of the trip beforehand.

 

I just feel that now that I'm such a big part of his life, he'd want me at something like that. I know I would want him to come with me to a family function.

[maysj18]

There's no way he'd get a hotel room with me. He respects his parents immensely and wouldn't go against their wishes on a trip they planned, which is fine with me. If we were to go visit my parents, I'd feel the same way. That's not my issue with the whole thing.

 

And yes, I'm thinking he was just being polite and that's the reason he invited me. Or maybe as zengirl stated, he hadn't thought about the details of the trip beforehand.

 

I just feel that now that I'm such a big part of his life, he'd want me at something like that. I know I would want him to come with me to a family function.

 

His brother is moving to a different country and I'm sure he wants to spend every minute he can with him and his sister in law. While you being there probably wouldn't be a hassle, it would still change the nature of the visit.

 

Where he invited you at first then later backed out I bet his brother said something to him. Maybe when he told his brother he invited you, his brother gave him a hard time since he's moving so far away.

[veggirl]

After perusing your other threads about this guy, I just get a meh vibe about this whole relationship. He just doesn't seem that into it and it seems like these small-ish (but kinda large when you combine them all!) issues pop up with frequency.

 

If he knew his fam was so "old school" surely he considered sleeping arrangements before inviting you? I mean, who wouldn't when they know it is an overnight trip. Is he that clueless? And couldn't you have your own room or share a room with 2 beds?

 

I don't know, something rubs me the wrong way.

 

I would be bothered by this.

[Onlyjonley]

His brother is moving to a different country and I'm sure he wants to spend every minute he can with him and his sister in law. While you being there probably wouldn't be a hassle, it would still change the nature of the visit.

 

Where he invited you at first then later backed out I bet his brother said something to him. Maybe when he told his brother he invited you, his brother gave him a hard time since he's moving so far away.

 

That's definitely not the reason why. As I mentioned above, his brother and SIL have been asking to meet me and had planned to come up for a weekend earlier this month before something else came up.

[Onlyjonley]

After perusing your other threads about this guy, I just get a meh vibe about this whole relationship. He just doesn't seem that into it and it seems like these small-ish (but kinda large when you combine them all!) issues pop up with frequency.

 

If he knew his fam was so "old school" surely he considered sleeping arrangements before inviting you? I mean, who wouldn't when they know it is an overnight trip. Is he that clueless? And couldn't you have your own room or share a room with 2 beds?

 

I don't know, something rubs me the wrong way.

 

I would be bothered by this.

 

I may portray him in that light in the few threads I've posted but our relationship is far from meh. He is wonderful and does so much for me in so many ways, and I feel incredibly lucky. Any issues we have had, he has gone above and beyond to work on them.

[veggirl]

I may portray him in that light in the few threads I've posted but our relationship is far from meh. He is wonderful and does so much for me in so many ways, and I feel incredibly lucky. Any issues we have had, he has gone above and beyond to work on them.

 

Fair enough. Hopefully he does the same thing this time, then.

[thatone]

i would still be leery of a person you're dating/living with/whatever who will exclude you to appease his mother.

 

i'm sorry, but that's not normal. and yeah i know a lot of people do it, they're not normal either.

 

what happens when you're 2 or 3 years down the line talking about marriage and kids and his mother still doesn't approve of you? what happens if he gets in trouble with career or money and has to fall back on his parents for help and they complain about you as a condition of their help?

 

i've been in your situation with ex gfs. none of them turned out well. the way i see it, i'm a grown man, my parents' ideas have no bearing on me whatsoever. if i want their advice i'll ask for it, otherwise nothing i do is their business if i don't want it to be.

[Onlyjonley]

i would still be leery of a person you're dating/living with/whatever who will exclude you to appease his mother.

 

i'm sorry, but that's not normal. and yeah i know a lot of people do it, they're not normal either.

 

what happens when you're 2 or 3 years down the line talking about marriage and kids and his mother still doesn't approve of you? what happens if he gets in trouble with career or money and has to fall back on his parents for help and they complain about you as a condition of their help?

 

i've been in your situation with ex gfs. none of them turned out well. the way i see it, i'm a grown man, my parents' ideas have no bearing on me whatsoever. if i want their advice i'll ask for it, otherwise nothing i do is their business if i don't want it to be.

 

Wait, what?

 

I never said his mom didn't approve of me. We have a good relationship and I like her a lot. She has invited me to visit on different occasions.

 

Again ... not the issue here.

[Onlyjonley]

My boyfriend texted me a little bit ago. I was going to wait to talk to him about it when we could talk face-to-face or on the phone, but I couldn't help it. So I brought the issue up and told him the vibe I was getting from him.

 

After a couple questions, he responded with "I didn't mean for it to sound that way at all, though you are right, that is probably how it came off. I still am definitely going to talk to my mom about it because I definitely do want you to come along! I'll let you know what she says."

[Star Gazer]

He probably was good with you coming until he realized the logistics would be difficult. Sounds like it has more to do with his family than it does with you. I would just let it be and stay home, personally.

 

Seconded.

 

 

...

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think logistics were apart of it but If his family is conservative and you're not married they probably don't see the need for you to come along on this kind of a trip...this is a "family" event...not about the new gf or what not being around that could here nor there in the future.

 

I'm sure the family (his mom or dad) probably didn't anticipate you coming and once he ran it by them they probably didn't approve of it much...not yet anyway.

 

It sounds like the guy is serious about you but I'm not sure why'd you press the issue...so he invited you in the first place and is obviously pulling out? do you really need it broken down to you to take a hint? Or will you pry until he tells you the real reason that you may like which is why he may be beating around the bush in the first place.

 

I personally don't think you belong on this trip for this occasion and I think he made a mistake by inviting you to it. Primarily because of the circumstances and people you have not already met.

[thatone]

Wait, what?

 

I never said his mom didn't approve of me. We have a good relationship and I like her a lot. She has invited me to visit on different occasions.

 

Again ... not the issue here.

 

religious people can convince themselves of anything.

 

if you're not religious, consider that.

 

i've heard some pretty crazy stories about religious exes.

 

bottom line, religious people's magic man in the sky is always above you. if that is manifested through his parents, that means his parents are always above you.

 

it's worth considering/talking about.

[Frank13]

The clue here (actually the obvious thing) is that he wanted you to come telling you that you can "totally come". Then he changed to the opposite.

 

Here is what it sounds like to me. He wanted you to come. Then he was informed that his ex or some other girl he likes would be there. So now he doesn't want you to come. Not saying this is the case, but it is something like this.

[Onlyjonley]

I think logistics were apart of it but If his family is conservative and you're not married they probably don't see the need for you to come along on this kind of a trip...this is a "family" event...not about the new gf or what not being around that could here nor there in the future.

 

I'm sure the family (his mom or dad) probably didn't anticipate you coming and once he ran it by them they probably didn't approve of it much...not yet anyway.

 

It sounds like the guy is serious about you but I'm not sure why'd you press the issue...so he invited you in the first place and is obviously pulling out? do you really need it broken down to you to take a hint? Or will you pry until he tells you the real reason that you may like which is why he may be beating around the bush in the first place.

 

I personally don't think you belong on this trip for this occasion and I think he made a mistake by inviting you to it. Primarily because of the circumstances and people you have not already met.

 

I appreciate the feedback. And I'm open to all opinions on this ....as long as it makes sense....

 

But as I stated above, his mom has tried to get me to come to multiple family functions in the last 9 months we've been together. His family flew up to visit him in November (parents, siblings, grandparents) and they invited me to everything while they were here. And she is the one that suggested we plan a trip to bf's hometown this summer. I don't think them not wanting me there is the issue.

 

As far as pressing the issue, I believe in honest & open communication with my boyfriend. If something is bothering me, I'm going to ask him about it.

[Onlyjonley]

The clue here (actually the obvious thing) is that he wanted you to come telling you that you can "totally come". Then he changed to the opposite.

 

Here is what it sounds like to me. He wanted you to come. Then he was informed that his ex or some other girl he likes would be there. So now he doesn't want you to come. Not saying this is the case, but it is something like this.

 

LOL ... I'm going to guess you have some major trust issues.