Cypress25 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Perhaps the reason there are more SAH women than men is simply because, women are more suited to the task in general? That the household runs smoother in this way? No. It's because men get lazy and women allow it. If only one person is gainfully employed outside the home, then the other person should do the majority of the housework. That way the labor is almost equally divided: one person is the breadwinner and the other person is the homemaker. However, if both people are gainfully employed outside the home, then they should both take on an equal share of the housework. If both people work full-time, but only one of them does all the housework, that's bullsh*t. I don't know why so many women fall into the trap of doing all the cooking and cleaning in addition to their full-time job, while the men don't help with any of it. It's not because women are more suited to the task. You think men who live alone can't do their own laundry or prepare their own meals? Of course they can. They manage to feed themselves and wash their own clothes, so why would they stop doing it when they move in with their girl? The solution is so simple. Just stop doing his cooking and cleaning. Act like you live alone. Prepare meals for yourself and put only your own clothes in the laundry. If he's hungry, he can prepare his own meals. If he wants clean clothes to wear, he can put them in the laundry. You take care of yourself and let him take care of himself.
g450 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 When I was married it was simple. I did the things she did not like to do like auto work, painting, plumbing etc and she did the things I did not like i.e. washing dishes and cleaning the house. She did used to always complain about my laundry so I solved that problem by doing all my laundry myself. I swear, doing that almost made her mad because it seemed like I took something away from her that she used to use to gripe at me. And for the record, my XW was a big slob. I would come home and could not even walk from the front door to my bedroom bath without stepping on things. All my furniture had unfolded laundry on it (hers) that she would let sit for a week or more. In my current situation my Fiancee lives with me with her two Sons. Its very simple. I do everything like when I was single. If I see something needs attention, I just do it. Thankfully she is a bit more organized than my first wife. She also cooks for her Sons and does their dishes. I will NOT clean up after her Sons or do their laundry etc. I do my own dishes when I cook etc. They clean the guest bathroom and the guest bedroom because they are the ones that use it exclusively. I use the main bathroom and I clean that myself etc. It sounds a bit odd but it works. I do benefit from her cooking though but I figure I pay all the bills so that's one bennie for me. And occasionally I do ask her oldest Son to help with yard work etc. Her youngest one is 13 and is basically useless. Even if you ask him to do something he does it all wrong or just makes things worse. Best thing he can do is just get out of the way. Tried to get him to mow the lawn once and he couldnt even push the mower...it was self propelled LOL. Cant wait for that kid to get to High School so he can move out. Not sure there is emplyment out there for somebody who plays video games 100% of the time though. But who knows. I think this summer I will send him to spend a month or more with his father. Ooops, I am starting to rant?
g450 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) On a side note, there is something I have noticed that a lot of women are guilty of seeing their children as being helpless little lambs who cant help out with household chores. Not trying to be sexist but I see it all the time. Even my XW was guilty of this with my own Son. On the other end of the spectrum I know at least one single father that makes his boys do almost all the chores LOL. There is NO reason for a 13 year old to not know how to wash dishes or operate a washer and a dryer and fold clothes etc. Are you for real? This is one area where me and my Fiancee butt heads sometimes. Anytime I made her 13 year old do anything she would either finish it for him or she would give me a dirty look as if I was overstepping my bounds and she related it to child slave labor or something. The thing is that the kid acts like he cant do anything for himself. I suspect that an "act" is exactly what it is. He know how to manipulate her just like her lazy XH did. I wonder if that's where he learned this from Example, walking two blocks to and from school is too much for him (he is overweight). She would pick up "her baby" every day so he would not get abducted etc. It was almost commical watching a 13 year old struggle with a self powered mower. I swear, I am convinced that he made it look like it was impossible to do in front of his mother. He was whining and even crying at one point and I feel like he was puting on a show for his mom to get her to intervene. Apparenlty his daddy never made him do chores either. Very frustrating. Sorry for going off topic but I had to vent a bit. Edited January 26, 2012 by g450
tigressA Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 BF is the 'provider', and the bulk of my income is going toward my student loan debt so I can pay it off in 5 years. I do all the chores except for his laundry. I do my own laundry maybe once every 2 months because I have so many clothes and I wear a few things (pants/jeans) over and over again, while he does his about once a month or more since he has a substantially smaller wardrobe and he's more of a hygiene freak, so there's hardly a time when it's done collectively. I have time in the mornings to do everything because of my work schedule. BF goes to work early in the morning. We live in a studio so there isn't much time that needs to be spent on cleaning. At the most it takes maybe an hour or so to clean everything (yes, everything). We do the bulk of grocery shopping together on weekends, but if there's something we need during the week I let him know so he can get it after work. I don't really like cooking, and I can't chop things very well, so I always get him to do the chopping, or I use the food processor.
sweetjasmine Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I notice it in my bf as well - he is a generally good and enthusiastic cook, but really bad about any other sort of household chore. If asked, he does it, but he will never take the initiative to look around and see what needs doing, which items are running out, what arrangements need to be made, etc. Similar situation here, as well. I work full-time, and he works 50-60 hour weeks, so I end up doing more chores. I think that's fair, given his schedule is a swing shift that leaves him drained. He and I both cook at about the same rate since we both like doing it. But I'm the one who sweeps, mops, vacuums, dusts, cleans the bathroom, etc. He'll do the dishes a lot of the time (probably 50/50) and will disinfect the kitchen counters and stove if they get dirty. He also does laundry and tidies up maybe a few times a month. He takes the trash out a bit more often, but we end up trading off on taking out the recycling. I used to be on cat litter duty 90% of the time, but he's been helping more with that. As for grocery shopping, we do that together since we're stuck with just one car. I used to do more of the chores than I do now, and it used to bug me, particularly because back when he was living with his best friend, he used to complain about the guy never doing any chores. He used to complain about how his roommate never cleaned the bathroom and how if it were up to him, he would only clean the toilet twice a year. And here we are, and I'm always the one cleaning the damn thing.
carhill Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 It was almost commical watching a 13 year old struggle with a self powered mower. Kids these days Heck, when I was eleven, I was earning 5-10.00 per week mowing other people's lawns with that power mower and edger. That doesn't seem like much but the year was 1970 and, to me, I was a rich man. Of course, my parents made me pay for maintenance on the items so I learned to do it myself. I sold that equipment back in 2010 for a couple hundred bucks to the tenants now renting my childhood home. Upthread, I totally didn't count my 'chores' as plumber, electrician, carpenter, roofer, mason, car mechanic, machinist, horticulturist, on and on.... then there was God My exW was a damn good cook when she'd do it. I was happy getting a nice meal once in awhile that I didn't have to cook myself.
chelsea2011 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 If I were living with someone, I would definitely work out a fair arrangement when it comes to chores. My guess is that every sitation is different and I like the idea of looking at the whole picture and figure out a fair arrangement from there. Good question.
Author Els Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Thanks for the feedback, guys. I don't live with my boyfriend but if I ever do, I'm going to have to show him how to properly clean. He lives with 2 other guys now and their house is disgusting. He will tell me they cleaned up the kitchen and there will still be stinkin grease all over the stove, food on the floor and crud on the counters. I guess he thinks loading the dishwasher and clearing off the counters is clean. I also have to clean his bathroom every couple weeks or it won't get done. I probably shouldn't give into that but I use it so much anyway. Boys. Ooookay, this does seem a little extreme. I was referring mostly to couples living together, and in such cases it's common for them to 'get each other's stuff' and do the cleaning for each other. But cleaning a guy's house when we're not even living together is really not something I'd ever do, barring exceptional circumstances. I have been doing my own laundry since I was 10, and my parents both did their own laundry, so I would find it very odd for anyone to do my laundry. I don't think I'd LET hubby wash my clothes! I don't expect him to learn how to properly care for them. But that brings us to a good point: Is it fair to expect someone to do something that's more difficult than what they'd have to do for themselves just because you have more difficult chores/higher standards/etc? I think it depends what standards they'd set for themselves --- i.e. perhaps true slobs, of either gender, could be expected to do a bit more than they need. And maybe neat freaks, of either gender, need to get over themselves a little about these things; at the end of your life, will you really wish you spent more time ironing or scrubbing? But most people, in the reasonable range, who didn't 'hide' their standards or habits from their SO before they cohabitated, I think should be accepted as they are to a degree. Now that doesn't mean you cannot express your preferences, and perhaps there will be a bit of compromise, but I, personally, have no problem doing a bit more work if I care more about it. And I have no problem telling hubby I'm too swamped to do something if it's not bothering me but is bothering him. If he expected me to do half the cooking, and cook the kind of meals he wants when I don't give two figs, I know I'd feel put upon. That said, if he's sick or overextended or something, I'm happy to go the extra mile because that's just what you do. As to wearing a shirt for weeks. . . I'd put that in slob territory. I've never dated a guy who did stuff like that or lived in a disaster zone. Hubby leaves books all over the apartment, and I don't put them away, but he never really makes big messes or anything. All very good points. I think compromise is a good way of settling this, but both people have to be willing to compromise. For example, there are some dishes that the bf really enjoys eating, but that frankly involve so much work compared to the meals I usually make, that I can't be bothered to do them most of the time. He tells me that I really don't need to, and when he feels like it, he will just insist on cooking for us when he wants those dishes. Occasionally I do make them for him, but mostly on special occasions. I am generally the fussier one when it comes to cleanliness and getting organized and getting paperwork done on time, though... stuff like that. I am fairly normal - he does fall within the realm of 'messy bachelor', though he has been changing his clothes more often at my request. With as great a guy as he is in other aspects though, I really am not wont to fault him for a bit of slobbiness. I mean, judging from the responses of some of the other guys on this forum, he should be insisting on me paying 50% of everything and watching coldly as I eat bread and butter 3 times a day anyhow. I suppose that when I do get a full-time job and if this becomes a problem in that case, we could get a housekeeper as xxoo suggests. BF is the 'provider', and the bulk of my income is going toward my student loan debt so I can pay it off in 5 years. I do all the chores except for his laundry. I do my own laundry maybe once every 2 months because I have so many clothes and I wear a few things (pants/jeans) over and over again, while he does his about once a month or more since he has a substantially smaller wardrobe and he's more of a hygiene freak, so there's hardly a time when it's done collectively. I don't mean to nitpick on you, TA, I really don't, but I was under the impression that you and your BF slashed groceries, rent, and bills 50/50 when they come?
tigressA Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 I don't mean to nitpick on you, TA, I really don't, but I was under the impression that you and your BF slashed groceries, rent, and bills 50/50 when they come? Knew that was coming. Things change.
Star Gazer Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 BF is the 'provider', and the bulk of my income is going toward my student loan debt so I can pay it off in 5 years. What do you contribute financially? Even with my ex being the provider, I was still contributing, just not to monthly bills, but other things for our home since there were so many rooms to furnish and decorate.
Stung Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 In previous live-in situations, I have experienced being the provider, and splitting everything 50/50, depending on the variables of each circumstance. When I was the provider, my boyfriend at that time did a lot of the household stuff, but we had roommates who also pitched in on the common areas so the load was pretty light and scheduled by committee. He did do all of the cooking and grocery shopping. Currently, my husband--who already made a good deal more money than me, and worked longer hours--is the family provider, financially. When we had our son, we agreed that I would stop working and concentrate on the family for a while. When our son turned two, he started going to preschool part-time and I started working again, but on a freelance basis. Basically I work on my projects in the mornings, and then I pick up the little guy at noon. I also get my SD on our days, take her to her martial arts and music classes. She's with us 50% of the time. I do the day-to-day house and kid stuff, making the kids' lunches and checking homework, doing dishes and laundry, sweeping, cleaning the kitchen, taking care of the pets. I vacuum and mop. I consider most of the cleaning to be drudgery, but it's gotta get done. In the garden, I do the watering, the planting and transplanting--I do enjoy that. I regularly edit things for my husband. I manage our rental units and deal with the tenants and paperwork. I maintain our calendar/schedule. I deal with the dry cleaning. I'm the one who gets up at night when our son has a nightmare, and I wake the kids up and get them ready for school in the mornings and make everybody breakfast. I go to the farmer's market a couple of times a week for fresh produce. I do all of the shopping for the kids' clothes, school stuff, etc. I organize their birthday and holiday stuff and handle most of their health appointments. I volunteer at their schools. My husband deals with most of the financial stuff, takes out the garbage and recycling every week, drives the kids to school in the mornings, mows the lawn. He pitches in when we do bigger cleaning jobs every few weeks, he's a more thorough scrubber than I am. He's a technology guy and he sets up, fixes, maintains all our tech. He often picks up groceries on his way home. If anybody needs anything ironed, he irons it (this happens rarely as we tend to dress pretty casually). He does all the car maintenance for both cars. I make all of the breakfast and lunches during the week, but we split dinners. Nights when he's going to be home early enough--and he makes a point of that at least 2x during the week--he usually cooks. I'm a decent simple cook, but it's not something I really enjoy, whereas he finds cooking kind of relaxing and creative. He also does almost all of the cooking on the weekends. He often gets up early on the weekends to let me sleep in while he spends some Daddy time with the kids, and sometimes on those days either he or SD will surprise me with breakfast in bed (she also enjoys cooking--my husband is teaching her and she's probably going to be better than me before too long). We just bought a house and we're both doing some handyman type stuff. He's better at fixing or assembling things than I am--more mechanical-minded. He does some light carpentry. I'm the one who sands, stains, refinishes, paints, decorates. I can also lay tile, but this house hasn't required that. Come to think of it, almost all of the people I've been in relationships with have cooked, and been better at it than me. Most of my friends are also foodies, some of them professionally. It seems to be a quality I subconsciously seek to surround myself with.
musemaj11 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 A real woman takes care of all the household chores.
musemaj11 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 No. It's because men get lazy and women allow it. If only one person is gainfully employed outside the home, then the other person should do the majority of the housework. That way the labor is almost equally divided: one person is the breadwinner and the other person is the homemaker. However, if both people are gainfully employed outside the home, then they should both take on an equal share of the housework. If both people work full-time, but only one of them does all the housework, that's bullsh*t. I don't know why so many women fall into the trap of doing all the cooking and cleaning in addition to their full-time job, while the men don't help with any of it. It's not because women are more suited to the task. You think men who live alone can't do their own laundry or prepare their own meals? Of course they can. They manage to feed themselves and wash their own clothes, so why would they stop doing it when they move in with their girl? The solution is so simple. Just stop doing his cooking and cleaning. Act like you live alone. Prepare meals for yourself and put only your own clothes in the laundry. If he's hungry, he can prepare his own meals. If he wants clean clothes to wear, he can put them in the laundry. You take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. You are going to live a spinster life.
kaylan Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 A real woman takes care of all the household chores. A real man knows how to take care of himself and clean up after himself.Its 2011 bro, time to grow up.
musemaj11 Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 A real man knows how to take care of himself and clean up after himself.Its 2011 bro, time to grow up. Just because I want someone whom I spend money on to clean up after me, doesnt mean I dont know how to do that myself.
kaylan Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 Just because I want someone whom I spend money on to clean up after me, doesnt mean I dont know how to do that myself. Come on dude. Cleaning up after someone doesnt make a female a "real" woman. Just say you want a maid, since thats someone you spend money on who cleans up after you.
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