Exit Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 (edited) After a decent period of total NC, you request to see the ex, and get a somewhat vague response agreeing to it. You made no mention of intending it to be just a friendly casual meetup, nor did you exactly make it clear that you want to discuss the relationship. You think it's a fair assumption that the ex knows why you asked for contact and knows that there is an interest in discussing the relationship, but can't be 100% certain that this is understood. The ex didn't elaborate on the agreement, didn't say anything like "sure I'll stop by if it's just a friendly visit", they just plainly said yes we can see each other soon. (Making the original NC-breaking request less vague would have avoided this problem, but time-travel is not one of the options here, so too late to go back and modify the initial request...) Do you... preemptively clarify your intentions, saying that you weren't just interested in a casual meetup but would like to discuss the relationship and what happened to it, and if the ex was only planning on a casual visit, that it probably wouldn't be a good idea and would only set you back. The benefit: clarifying your intentions & avoiding potential hurt feelings by showing up to a meeting only to find out that there was a misunderstanding on the purpose of said meeting. The downfall: Putting too much pressure on the situation before it even happens, ex backs out because you're already asking about where things are headed before you even catch up, end up finding out that the meeting probably shouldn't happen. Or do you... go with the whole "aloof/cool" act that is recommended many times in situations where contact is reestablished after some time apart. Agree to meet up and worry about the details later. Throw on a smile, discuss what each other has been up to. Test the waters and try to gauge if it's safe to discuss any real details, otherwise sticking to casual topics and possibly agreeing to talk again soon. The benefit: Getting some actual face time with the person, not undoing the ex's acceptance to talk by loading the situation with too much pressure ahead of time, hopefully being able to talk about some things. The downfall: the ex shows up in a "friendly" mood, realizing there's not a mutual interest in discussing the relationship, finding out that the meeting was not a great idea, and possibly going through a moderate setback to your progress because you've seen this persons face again and found out they were just interested in catching up. Edited January 25, 2012 by Exit
Philosoraptor Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 If you are not ready for just a friendly visit then you should clarify your intentions. If she does not comply then don't see her. What are you hoping to discuss?
chados Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 sounds like your following these "get ex back books", if you decide to see her, which i wont recommend if theres a chance you'll get hurt. then just play it cool and talk to the ex as a friend. if the ex wants you back you'll probably notice. if the attraction is gone, there isnt really that much you can do except be the best you can be. the best way to get someone back is to move on, and maybe after lets say 6 months if YOU still want the realtionship back, then maybe. dont rush things cause it rarely lasts. although i agree with the above poster.
flitzanu Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 honestly, if you got a "vague response agreeing" to meeting you, i'd say 90% chance she will cancel last minute and has zero intentions of even meeting you. she agreed just to get you to shutup or to go away. if she wanted to see you, don't you think she would actually say "yes" or agree with no objection rather than making it very clear she doesn't want to?
Lis007 Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 What about just catching up and keeping things nice and light hearted and fun... remember when you first met... You need to rebuild your relationship so big decisions can't be made in the first meeting anyway its too much pressure for both of you.
olivec Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Don't do it man its only gunna end badly for you trust me. I'm sure you already have a idea in your mind of how you want this meeting with your ex to play out. Thing is we all have. But guess what 99% of the time it never goes the way you want it to. So do yourself a favor and move on from this person right now because its never gunna be the same as it once was. its best to start fresh with someone new and learn from your past mistakes .
Author Exit Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Haha no I'm not literally following those "get your ex" back ideas although I guess briefly reading over my post it does sound like it with the whole "do NC for a while and then when you meet up try to act indifferent" etc etc. I already know what my true response to the question is, I would rather avoid as much unnecessary BS as possible by clarifying what it is I wanted to talk about, rather than have to "play the game" of meeting up and trying to see where things go. But I know my methods don't necessarily appeal to the rest of the world. I haven't said anything back yet and I may just let it go. Probably not a great idea anyway. I broke NC under the influence of a few drinks a while back and as the days went by I was ready to accept that I wasn't going to get a response and just forget about it. But as things tend to go sometimes, I was slowly starting to move on and accept that I wasn't going to hear anything, and then that's when the contact popped up.
Graceful Posted January 26, 2012 Posted January 26, 2012 (edited) I would rather avoid as much unnecessary BS as possible by clarifying what it is I wanted to talk about, rather than have to "play the game" of meeting up and trying to see where things go. But I know my methods don't necessarily appeal to the rest of the world. Treat your ex the way you'd want to be treated. Follow your own advice. If your ex called you and wanted to see you, if you asked why, would you go if she: Was wishy washy about the reason? OR said she didn't have a reason, just asked out of the blue because she missed you? Said she didn't know? Said she wanted to discuss reconciliation, but hopefully not in a pressured way? Missed you and hoped seeing you could put you on the friendship track? Wanted the money you owed her. :laugh: Well, you get the idea. I would not see an ex (and I don't need to see my ex ever again, he's history and I shoved him down a chute ) unless I knew why he wanted to see me ahead of time. Your ex is your ex. Not a friend any longer. No relationship exists between you. So if you want to make a move for a get together, say what you want so she'll know. Be prepared for her to rebuff you, say okay but not show up, or any number of other hurtful outcomes. If you feel the positive will outweigh any potential negatives that could come from asking, then go ahead. If not, and the hurt will outweigh any good, I'd keep those plans to myself if I were you, and go back to NC and know a good thing when you have one. Your peace and healing -- don't trade those in for just nuthin, you know what I mean? As for me, back into my rabbit hole. Nice. Take care. Edited January 26, 2012 by Graceful
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