soulm8 Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Either I have an overactive imagination or my ex-husband has been trying to 'punish' me ever since I chose to divorce him. The only reason we have a 50/50 arrangement is because I had to fight for it with a lawyer. It was a nasty divorce, which nearly cost me our children. Here's some background in point form: - We were together since '94; I was 21, he was 25 (bankrupt). We married in '98. Divorce was final in 2008. - I sought marriage counselling for close to a year (2005-06); he attended for approximately 2 months before I couldn't 'try' any longer. We amicably agree to split our assets 50/50. - Suddenly he felt entitled to sole custody of our children, but would grant me visitation: all hell broke loose. - My lawyer advised me to move out of the familial home with the children: full on legal battle ensued. - He accused me of child abuse and withdrew the children from school while I was at work. - 50/50 arrangement was agreed upon through Supreme Court. The familial home was sold and we split the asset 50/50. - Several months later, we're getting along amicably and spending time as a family - He's spent a lot of his money (he was never good with it), and I'm saving to buy again. We decide to reconcile and buy together - Several months later, he gets laid off and makes no effort to find work. We agree we should go through with the divorce, and re-split our assets. I buy him out of the property (at market value) - He immediately moves in with a girlfriend who has sole custody of 4 children. Shortly after the divoce is final, he asks me to consider moving the children to the same school as his girlfriends' children; I agree - I sell my house (and get very little back) to move closer to my childrens' school and realize the area is expensive, even for renting. - His relationship ends and he moves to a rental which is not walking distance to the school. - I live as close to the school as possible so I no longer require daycare expenses, and offer my ex before and after school access as a cost savings over daycare. - Several months later, I mention that it would greatly help if he could contribute a reasonable amount towards my rent - so I can stay close to the school in this expensive area. He offers to pay $200 monthly (half of what he would typically have to spend on daycare). - He has yet to pay $200 monthly; he gives me $40 here, $60 there -- I cannot count on this money. - The last time he saw me, he told me, "I'll have some money for you next pay day"... but he's said that before, and he owes me $240. (Not to mention the $3k in child support he has never paid). - My daughter has told us that she'd like to live with me full-time. My son would like to live with his dad full-time, and continue going to the current school. - Their dad has been looking at houses in the area we lived before the divorce. He refuses to "split the kids up" and claims I'm just playing games. - My son wants to live with me full-time if his dad moves back to the area we came from. If you were me, what would you do? - Put your foot down and tell the ex that he needs to start paying regularly or he needs to get daycare lined up? - Keep tracking what he owes me and use that against him should I need to when/if I see a lawyer? - Move to a more affordable area and use daycare? (to hell with him) - Enough of this bull and go see a lawyer already?
Dust Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 You caused a lot of the problems by buying property togather with this guy durring the getting back togather period. Then moving out to an expensive area on a whim because of some women he just started dating. Go to the lawyer and get a child suport plan in place if you want. You said he doesn't have a job though so you may end up owing him. You know what to do. No great solution. You'll have to pick the best of the bad solutions. Do whats best for yourself and kids.
carhill Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 What does the divorce decree and custody agreement stipulate? Have those stipulations been met, save for the child support situation? Where I live, there is a public agency called DCSS which facilitates and enforces child support orders. Anything like that where you are? Since children are involved and it appears the parties aren't readily cooperative, I'd keep it legal and enforceable. Is there a stipulation in the divorce agreement/decree regarding remedies arising from breaches and their attendant legal fees?
Author soulm8 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Thanks Dust. Buying with him again, was definitely a huge mistake. It was my naive way of showing him and our families that I was 100% in... I also wanted to "tie up" our money before he had none left. The move wasn't a complete whim. We'd discussed that once I sold the house, we agreed that this general area is where we'd like to have our children grow up. I just never realized it would be so expensive on one income. As for the unemployment, that was back in 2007 until just before the divorce was final ... he's been working steadily since. I've always hated confrontation but I'm growing tired of being so nice to this guy.
Dust Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 It's a shtty situation for both of you. Just show the guy respect but realize you have to respect yourself. You know what to do. Just go do it!
Author soulm8 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 (edited) What does the divorce decree and custody agreement stipulate? Have those stipulations been met, save for the child support situation? Where I live, there is a public agency called DCSS which facilitates and enforces child support orders. Anything like that where you are? Since children are involved and it appears the parties aren't readily cooperative, I'd keep it legal and enforceable. Is there a stipulation in the divorce agreement/decree regarding remedies arising from breaches and their attendant legal fees? Well, he was to pay $70 per month and has never done so. The 'daycare' expense was a verbal agreement we came to back in May 2011. Yes, child support is a serious issue. I just haven't pursued it... yet. I'm very bad for procastinating confrontation. I distinctly remember conversations we had with his older brother regarding his custody and child support issues. He went to great lengths to avoid support and trash talk his ex wife. The divorce paperwork also states the children may decide where they want to live at any time. I remember thinking it was rather odd of him to leave that open like that. I suspected he'd try to deny either of our kids from living with me full-time, and I chose to not draw any attention to that clause. Edited January 25, 2012 by soulm8
Author soulm8 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 It's a shtty situation for both of you. Just show the guy respect but realize you have to respect yourself. You know what to do. Just go do it! Hmmm, really? I've done nothing but show him respect Dust. I'm starting to feel like he's laughing at how 'respectful' I've been.
Dust Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Hmmm, really? I've done nothing but show him respect Dust. I'm starting to feel like he's laughing at how 'respectful' I've been. Showing respect doesn't mean just doing what you think will make him happy. It also means having enough respect for yourself to do what is best for you and your children.
Author soulm8 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Good point. Yes. I've tried to do what's best for the children ahead of myself. I tend to overlook 'me' until it's too late... oops.
carhill Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I think it's time to get a quote on tidying things up legally; at least a thorough review of the decree and supporting orders. From that point, formulate a plan of action and a planB and planC. In this economy, every move counts IMO. My divorce taught me the value of getting competent legal advice and how such advice can actually help avoid legal fees by promoting a positive win-win environment. Prior it was just using a lawyer for boring business and personal stuff with little emotion involved. Great lesson. IMO, leave all avenues of amicable resolution open but prepare some whoop ass as a hard boundary, especially in the area of child support and custody arrangements. Do not allow him to avoid payment and grow arrears. Re-negotiate the order, if possible and desired, but get it enforced. Be sure to (or have your lawyer) examine the decree for remedies/apportionment if/when in breach. Such stipulations can, if extant and if he is in breach, cause him to be ordered to pay for legal and other fees incurred by you to remedy the breach. That's a significant point. Anything verbally agreed to of a material nature (like the childcare expense), get it in writing and signed. Organize your end of things as much as possible to cut down on billable hours. Good luck
Author soulm8 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 I think it's time to get a quote on tidying things up legally; at least a thorough review of the decree and supporting orders. From that point, formulate a plan of action and a planB and planC. In this economy, every move counts IMO. My divorce taught me the value of getting competent legal advice and how such advice can actually help avoid legal fees by promoting a positive win-win environment. Prior it was just using a lawyer for boring business and personal stuff with little emotion involved. Great lesson. IMO, leave all avenues of amicable resolution open but prepare some whoop ass as a hard boundary, especially in the area of child support and custody arrangements. Do not allow him to avoid payment and grow arrears. Re-negotiate the order, if possible and desired, but get it enforced. Be sure to (or have your lawyer) examine the decree for remedies/apportionment if/when in breach. Such stipulations can, if extant and if he is in breach, cause him to be ordered to pay for legal and other fees incurred by you to remedy the breach. That's a significant point. Anything verbally agreed to of a material nature (like the childcare expense), get it in writing and signed. Organize your end of things as much as possible to cut down on billable hours. Good luck Thank you Carhill I was afraid of that! Damn. I so didn't want to have to see a lawyer. I know you're right however, and will make it a point to get everything reviewed and updated. After our initial (nasty) custody battle with large legal fees, we opted for do-it-yourself documentation with limited legal advice based on implementing what we had originally settled. Time to dig out all the paperwork and prepare for the teenage years. Your 'significant point' is duly noted!
Author soulm8 Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 Just venting... I had the opportunity to speak with my exH today, and requested that he get daycare lined up for the kids if he couldn't pay. His immediate response was, "What will you tell the kids?" Stunned by his blantant attempt to manipulate me, I asked him to clarify what he thinks I'd need to tell the kids. The nerve! I gave him a piece of my mind - reminding him that if it weren't for this arrangement, he'd be paying double for daycare. I don't get it. Why do I have to be the "bad guy" to get his attention? Why is it so easy for him to try to twist everything against me? He'll be leaving some money for me tomorrow when he picks the kids up for "his week" Because it was payday on Friday.
andyg99 Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 Here's some background in point form: - We were together since '94; I was 21, he was 25 (bankrupt). We married in '98. Divorce was final in 2008. there's the problem right there ^^^^ your kids may suffer financially beacuse the man you chose to have a family with is irresponsible when it comes to $$$... I thnk the bottom line is that you have to do the best you can for them and accept whatever $$ he throws your way... sorry to hear about your troubles
Author soulm8 Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 I thnk the bottom line is that you have to do the best you can for them and accept whatever $$ he throws your way... sorry to hear about your troubles You're right. I believe that's why I've been so forgiving and "understanding". My whole mantra has been, 'I made my bed... now I have to lay in it." Hindsight is 20/20.
Shane Jimison Posted February 14, 2012 Posted February 14, 2012 This situation doesn't seem favorable for any one of you. You need to take some decisions of your own.
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