Steen719 Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I just don't get it. We were married 22 years..cheated on me in "96 and had a liver transplant in 2010..I took care of him and everything else while he was desperately ill, working as hard as I could, piling up debt...he started up with another old gf. I still don't know what actually happened, but he was "in love" with her and that was enough (well and other crap) for me to divorce him (October 2011). I'll be moving out on Feb. 5th, finally. Anywayyyyy..He is dating (I know, not much different from before) and goes in different parts of the house to talk to her on the phone. He has a weekend planned for Valentine's day for the two of them. He is walking around here like he is just peachy. I just don't get it. I am bereft that my 22 year marriage is gone. He has moved on at the speed of light. I am sad, he is happy. Can someone really be this OK after a long marriage has ended? I understand that he emotionally was detaching anyway, but we are talking a 22 year marriage with a son, a home and many good memories. Surely to God, that would be a little hard! The only sadness I have seen was around Christmas and I felt that he was just feeling sorry for himself. He is "oh poor me' type of fella. I don't know...can't he go somewhere out of the house and call her? Can't he wait until I am out? I wish I knew for sure that I would feel I made the right choice. I am posting because I just wanted to get it out.
health Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Nah, he's not over it. He's in denial. Leave him keep low contact, and move on. See how he'll be begging you back - and you won't take him. You have a new and better life ahead of you, enough is enough!
andyg99 Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 sorry for your pain - Feb 5 is not far away but I'm sure from your point of view it's like 12 months instead of 12 days to go... maybe just stay away as much as possible for the next week and a half, keep busy outside the house and when the 5th comes get out and never look back! we are all better off without partners who do not want us....
dreamingoftigers Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 no way. For men it often hits much later than us. Then they want to come back and to us by then it is ancient history. sometimes it can even take a couple years.
Author Steen719 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Nah, he's not over it. He's in denial. Leave him keep low contact, and move on. See how he'll be begging you back - and you won't take him. You have a new and better life ahead of you, enough is enough! Thank you. I don't think he will be begging me back. He is very prideful and just so happy. But you are right...I will not take him back. I have to believe that I have a better life. It has what has gotten me through. sorry for your pain - Feb 5 is not far away but I'm sure from your point of view it's like 12 months instead of 12 days to go... maybe just stay away as much as possible for the next week and a half, keep busy outside the house and when the 5th comes get out and never look back! we are all better off without partners who do not want us.... Andy..You are so right. It feels like I have been in this place called hell for so long waiting o leave. I am involved in an event as the director and I am going to be busy until the 4th. I was thinking about what you said and maybe I can go to the library and do some work. Since he is dating, there is a chance he might be gone for the weekend. UGH My moving plans are falling apart. My son's friends were going to help and they are unable to now as they are all going somewhere for the weekend. I guess they had it planned for a while and did not stop to check the weekend. My son called me tonight and I cried talking to him. I told him that I did not want to get him involved in any of this and he..Idk..just was so nice, I started crying. Shameful, I should never make this harder on him. SIGH..I know we are better off, I know it in my head. Maybe XH just finds it easier than I do. Nah, he's not over it. He's in denial. Leave him keep low contact, and move on. See how he'll be begging you back - and you won't take him. You have a new and better life ahead of you, enough is enough! Dreaming..I have read your posts, so I know you understand throwing in the towel. I just cannot imagine being able to move on like he has. But, maybe it is as you say and he is denial. I have to say, denial seems like a better place than hell right now. But, maybe he won't heal, either, or the new gf will help him heal. I just don't know. Thanks, you guys.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Denial takes you further into Hell. Then it is harder to get out. Some people get so lost there that they take of residence. I've toured the place enough times in the last three years to know. GF can't "help him heal" if it is the equivalent of putting a bandage on a lung cancer patient.
Author Steen719 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Dreaming, I have always thought that rebound relationships were an attempt to heal faster, but did not usually work out. I would not want to get involved with someone who recently got divorced, in part, for that very reason. I guess, when it doesn't work out, they want to come back to us? I have thought about this a lot (obviously since I am in it) and I think a person who is willing to cheat and betray the one person who they should be true to, the one who loves them and sticks by them, they maybe just have an element missing or present, however you view it, that makes them able to move on so fast. I mean, evidently they have no problem with cheating, so why not pursue what you wanted when you were married? There are no barriers now...so goodbye past and hello new gf. I cannot even think about dating. But, in order to move on and move every single day, I have to tell myself that things will be better and eventually, I will see that my choice led me a better life.
Steadfast Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Maybe he's punishing you for getting in the way of his 'happiness'. Also, some people get a thrill from being cruel, go to excessive measures to make their point, or enjoy controlling other people's emotions. Like pulling the strings of a puppet. No doubt his illness plays some part, but he cheated before he got sick (correct?) so his brush with mortality might have reinforced those old feelings of 'getting the most' out of life. To lots of men, that's lots of women. Regardless, you can't control it and hard as it is, you might never fully understand it either. He's probably doesn't understand it himself...but it's the vehicle he uses to express himself. Whatever it is or the cause, it isn't love. You are reacting like any normal person who's suffering abuse. Understandable, but a waste of time nonetheless. Only you know why this must be tolerated for two more weeks, but IMO, you'd be doing yourself a huge favor by moving the timetable up a few notches. Move out now and stay with a friend or family member. When you're not there to witness his antics, he won't get the enjoyment of watching your suffer.
Steadfast Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 (edited) dual post removed Edited January 25, 2012 by Steadfast
PegNosePete Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 The thing is, he started his moving on before the breakup. He checked out emotionally from the marriage way before you. He has not moved on faster... he simply got a head start.
carhill Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Can someone really be this OK after a long marriage has ended? Yes, he can. It's part of the same psychology which precipitated the actions in '96 and caused him more recently to 'start up' with an 'old GF' (she must be really old since you've been married 22). Considering the first canary gasped 16 years ago (6 into the M), that's pretty telling. Regardless, IMO, it's in poor form to flaunt one's 'caring less' in front of the partner they apparently are amicably divorcing. The D apparently is done. He could show more discretion. He chooses not to. In a couple weeks it won't matter anymore and genuine grief and healing can continue unfettered by his interruptions. My sympathies. My only suggestion at this point is to plan your 'move out' well and make sure there is no lingering contact or 'forgotten' stuff. Clean and done. Erase. Heal. Good luck.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 i think that the fact that he isn't showing vastly more discretion shows thst he probably still has some weird "I'll show her" thing going on.
Author Steen719 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 No doubt his illness plays some part, but he cheated before he got sick (correct?) so his brush with mortality might have reinforced those old feelings of 'getting the most' out of life. To lots of men, that's lots of women. ^^^^ I think this is true of him. Regardless, you can't control it and hard as it is, you might never fully understand it either. He's probably doesn't understand it himself...but it's the vehicle he uses to express himself. Whatever it is or the cause, it isn't love. You are reacting like any normal person who's suffering abuse. Understandable, but a waste of time nonetheless. Only you know why this must be tolerated for two more weeks, but IMO, you'd be doing yourself a huge favor by moving the timetable up a few notches. Move out now and stay with a friend or family member. When you're not there to witness his antics, he won't get the enjoyment of watching your suffer. I was waiting until Feb. 5th for a couple of reasons. The first is that my son's friends who were going to help me could do it on the weekend and the other thing is that I am the director for a competition on Feb. 4th that is new to the University and I am trying to keep an handle on it...not easy with this going on. Now the boys (young men) can't help and I'm not sure if I can find someone else or pay a moving company. If I have a moving company, I might plan to move on the 1st, which would be only a week from tomorrow. I have 2 dogs and I can't take them to a friend's house. I don't have any family here at all or I would have been gone a long time ago. UGH He just says "you divorced me..I am single"..no responsibility. The thing is, he started his moving on before the breakup. He checked out emotionally from the marriage way before you. He has not moved on faster... he simply got a head start. ^^^ What my brother said. Still....it hurts. Yes, he can. It's part of the same psychology which precipitated the actions in '96 and caused him more recently to 'start up' with an 'old GF' (she must be really old since you've been married 22). Considering the first canary gasped 16 years ago (6 into the M), that's pretty telling. The old GF was from 30 years ago. The first one was from around then also. Yes, I had a lot of misgivings after the first time as we were happy, having good sex, had a good life and he still did it. It did give me pause because I thought if he could do this in good times, what will he do in bad times? I believed him when he said it was his mistake and we had a son together, so I chose to stay. In retrospect, maybe not the best move for me, but maybe for my son. No way to tell now and can't change it. Regardless, IMO, it's in poor form to flaunt one's 'caring less' in front of the partner they apparently are amicably divorcing. The D apparently is done. He could show more discretion. He chooses not to. In a couple weeks it won't matter anymore and genuine grief and healing can continue unfettered by his interruptions. My sympathies. Thank you. I think it shows little character on his part. He knows how I am made and knows it bothers me. He just does not care. My only suggestion at this point is to plan your 'move out' well and make sure there is no lingering contact or 'forgotten' stuff. Clean and done. Erase. Heal. Good luck. Yes, I don't think I will contact him. I truly don't. I want to start feeling better. I know any contact with him will prevent that. i think that the fact that he isn't showing vastly more discretion shows thst he probably still has some weird "I'll show her" thing going on. Yes, it could be that. I think he is just a sh*t. Although he could be saying (by doing this) that she did this and he will show me...yeah, maybe you are right. He never has taken much responsibility for anything he has done, so this is not any different. Thanks everyone. I am generally confident, caring, in control and optimistic. This has kicked my butt. I know one thing. When I start feeling better, I will be so grateful for it, just so damned grateful.
Author Steen719 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Another thread about 'the other partner' when we don't know anything about him/her. This is all about the poster. Well, yeah, duh! Grow up. Why do you tolerate a jerk like this. You were married to him for 22 years but are asking us to explain his behavior? You were there the last 22 years!! Hopefully his liver transplant had nothing to do with the lifestyle (alcohol, drugs) he practiced. If so, you are even more pathetic tolerating this A-hole over the years. Two weeks to go. Best if these last weeks scar your brain like electric-shock therapy. Hopefully you'll emerge with better judgrement skills in life when it comes to picking a mate. Well, I have posted my story and you obviously did not read it. He had hep c, not drug abuse or alcohol related. Thank you for your supportive answer. I doubt you could find anyone to tolerate your crappy attitude for 22 months, let alone 22 years. Not everyone runs at the first sign of trouble. Some people actually have a commitment to their marriage and when children are involved, try to make a decision they think would also be the best for them. Do me a favor and don't answer anything I post. I already have one ahole I am dealing with.
worldgonewrong Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I just don't get it. I am bereft that my 22 year marriage is gone. He has moved on at the speed of light. I am sad, he is happy. Can someone really be this OK after a long marriage has ended? I understand that he emotionally was detaching anyway, but we are talking a 22 year marriage with a son, a home and many good memories. Surely to God, that would be a little hard! Yup. I can totally relate to every word.
Author Steen719 Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Yup. I can totally relate to every word. I know, World...I'm sure you can relate all too well. I am grateful my son is grown. I can only imagine how hard it would be with minor children and trying to manage the issues you are.
debtman Posted January 27, 2012 Posted January 27, 2012 Steen719, I know exactly how you feel. My stbx was dating OM while I was still living at home, talking/texting/chatting with him all the time, walking around happy and smiling, completely un-mindful of my feelings, the kids, etc. She was SO sure that she found the answer to all her problems. A new guy that put her up on a pedestal, had some money, was SO interested in everything she had to say, etc. I can't tell you how many emails she sent me about how great they got along, how much they agreed on everything from parenting to relationships, etc. Our 10 year relationship, 7 year marriage and 2 kids were tossed aside for greener grass. 8 months later, they were broken up and she started talking reconciliation. By that time I had discovered that I didn't need her for my happiness. And I realized that she and OM had done me a HUGE favor. I didn't need to be in a relationship with a cheater, someone who can toss my feelings aside, who was always looking for something better, who wasn't willing to put in the work that it would take to try to fix the problem. 18 months later. I'm happier than I've been in years. My life is fulfilling. My relationship with my kids is amazing. I'm dating someone who I really seem to connect with (but being cautious and taking my time). And, I managed to be civil enough with my stbx that we can still talk, stay focused on the kids and be nice to each other... So, remember, you're in a temporary situation...you're in what's probably the most painful, most difficult part, but it WILL get better. Stay focused on you, don't let him draw you into arguments, etc. He doesn't deserve your emotions and he doesn't deserve you... Good luck and keep posting...
Author Steen719 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Posted January 27, 2012 Steen719, I know exactly how you feel. My stbx was dating OM while I was still living at home, talking/texting/chatting with him all the time, walking around happy and smiling, completely un-mindful of my feelings, the kids, etc. She was SO sure that she found the answer to all her problems. A new guy that put her up on a pedestal, had some money, was SO interested in everything she had to say, etc. I can't tell you how many emails she sent me about how great they got along, how much they agreed on everything from parenting to relationships, etc. Our 10 year relationship, 7 year marriage and 2 kids were tossed aside for greener grass. 8 months later, they were broken up and she started talking reconciliation. By that time I had discovered that I didn't need her for my happiness. And I realized that she and OM had done me a HUGE favor. I didn't need to be in a relationship with a cheater, someone who can toss my feelings aside, who was always looking for something better, who wasn't willing to put in the work that it would take to try to fix the problem. 18 months later. I'm happier than I've been in years. My life is fulfilling. My relationship with my kids is amazing. I'm dating someone who I really seem to connect with (but being cautious and taking my time). And, I managed to be civil enough with my stbx that we can still talk, stay focused on the kids and be nice to each other... So, remember, you're in a temporary situation...you're in what's probably the most painful, most difficult part, but it WILL get better. Stay focused on you, don't let him draw you into arguments, etc. He doesn't deserve your emotions and he doesn't deserve you... Good luck and keep posting... You do know I mean! It is hard, right? Especially when you are not the type of person who moves on so easily...because we (you and I) were committed to the marriage, so we are behind in moving on when it happens. I really am so happy for you. I think it is wonderful that you are happy. And also...selfishly, I think I can be there, too, with some time and work. The good news is that I am moving tomorrow! XH left yesterday and didn't tell me that he was going away until Tuesday. I went into the library and saw that his medication was gone until next Wednesday (pill keeper). I called him and asked him if he was gone and he said yes, it was none of my concern. That's fine, but if I didn't know he was gone, I would have thought something had happened to him; accident, some incident d/t liver transplant or something. His total disregard for me was appalling, after all I have done for him! (I know I should not be surprised) Anyway, a friend..a dear friend..asked her husband and he drummed up 4 guys (he works on a military base) and I changed my move in date until tomorrow, signed my lease, rented a storage unit (stuff won't fit and I need to go through crap to get rid of it), got the truck ready for tomorrow and I will be gone when he gets back. So, on to the new life. Scared and hopeful all at the same time. Thanks, Debtman. it is sure nice to see someone come through on the other side a happier person.
Author Steen719 Posted February 1, 2012 Author Posted February 1, 2012 Well, I moved on Saturday and am in my own place. I have boxes all around me still, as I am working on the project for this weekend, so I will getting settled later. I slept good every night until last night when I had dreams that my XH and I were talking about getting back together but he was still seeing other women, one after another. I woke up a little depressed. However, compared to the days I sat crying all day long or felt paralyzed by sadness, I am feeling better. I'm hoping I feel better each day, but I know I have a long way to go. I expected XH to be mad that I moved while he was gone, but when he called (I did not answer), his voicemail was about some tax business. He called again and I did not answer, but sent him an email. I guess he was ready for me to move. Now his life can go on with the other woman he has installed in his life. Wish me luck. I am hoping and praying my life gets better. This sure has been hard.
jaymz Posted February 1, 2012 Posted February 1, 2012 It should do, your head is in the right place and your moving forward. Dreams are horrible, I havent had an ex dream for a little while but I know how unsettling it is. Once you get a few mor hurdles done, life can only get better. Onwards and upwards!
Author Steen719 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 It should do, your head is in the right place and your moving forward. Dreams are horrible, I havent had an ex dream for a little while but I know how unsettling it is. Once you get a few mor hurdles done, life can only get better. Onwards and upwards! Thanks, Jaymz. I haven't had a get back together dream in a while...they stink! I am hoping I move forward, even if it in small increments..just so long as it is forward. I don't know if I would wish this on my worst enemy, even XH.
beenburned Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 Steen, It's good to hear that you have moved into your new place. I'm sure when you have time to unpack all the boxes ,the place will feel more like home. Keep us updated!
Author Steen719 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Posted February 2, 2012 Thank you, beenburned. XH back in town and saying he will change locks on doors. It is my house, too. He thought I was moving this coming weekend. I left the power, water and internet/TV on for him. The first two will be off in my name on Friday and the other he has to determine if he wants it or not. I mean, really, I did not have to do this. He is getting what he wanted...he was miserable for 13 years (his words), he felt that he was in prison (his words), he was not in love with me (his words) and he loved XXX (his words), who he is not with because she is married. He should not be the one who is mad, it should be me. I am too accommodating, always trying to do the freaking right thing, even for someone who treats me like he has. More dreams last night, not much sleep, sick this morning. UGH!! I just want to make it through this weekend and then I can take it easy.
worldgonewrong Posted February 2, 2012 Posted February 2, 2012 He is getting what he wanted...he was miserable for 13 years (his words), he felt that he was in prison (his words), he was not in love with me (his words) and he loved XXX (his words), who he is not with because she is married. He should not be the one who is mad, it should be me. I am too accommodating, always trying to do the freaking right thing, even for someone who treats me like he has. Oh Steen, this sh_t is so sadly textbook. I could have written this same thing verbatim (minus the admission, if any, of who she loved). What gets me is the continual anger/rudeness/passive-aggressive behavior when you keep giving, giving, giving and demonstrating you're a good person, worthy of loving and being loved. My theory: it's anger and self-disgust projected OUTWARD.
Author Steen719 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Posted February 3, 2012 Oh Steen, this sh_t is so sadly textbook. I could have written this same thing verbatim (minus the admission, if any, of who she loved). What gets me is the continual anger/rudeness/passive-aggressive behavior when you keep giving, giving, giving and demonstrating you're a good person, worthy of loving and being loved. My theory: it's anger and self-disgust projected OUTWARD. Hey World. He only admitted that he and OW had told each other they loved the other because I detected and knew who he was talking to. I bluffed him out of a lot of information. He thought I knew more than I did, but I found out enough to find out more. After he said he was going to change the locks, I wrote him and said why would you do that? The next email said "I don't know where you are coming from. I am not mad and don't have an attitude". WHAT? I didn't even bother to answer him. He is still trying to manipulate me and I'm gone. My son will get my stuff if need be. I don't know if he is disgusted with himself. He seems so OK with moving on with a new life, much like Debtman described his XW. My XH can't have the one he thought (still could) he wants. She is married and her H did not know about them. I guess she saw what happened in our marriage and decided she didn't want him that bad. So, he looked on FB, found another old friend (not sure if she was an old gf or not) and now he is with her. He is like that old song "love the one your with", I guess, as long as it's not your wife. Oh well, I did what I had to do and now I will also get better, even if it takes me a while.
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