imfromhoiland Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 The first mistake: About 9 months or so ago I started dating a very nice, funny, beautiful girl, named Michelle. So what could be the problem? Baggage. She had broken off an engagement probably 3 months prior. I was okay with taking this slow, as she wanted. Four months later, the taking things slow showed absolutely no progression. She had never stayed the night, we never moved really even to second base, and worst of all, I had shared some stuff with her to show my trust in her, but she did not share anything with me. Fast forward. I work with this woman Teresa. We've become good friends, and enjoy hanging out. We live in the same employee housing. About a month ago, Teresa introduced me to her sister Isabel. Izzy was great, quiet, but when she did speak up it was funny. She has a very gentle heart, and is a great girl. We went out to a company get together a month ago, and Isabel was invited. We flirted throughout the night, and as we left, she grabbed my hand and snuggled up to me. I thought this was great, we exchanged numbers, and have been talking on the phone almost every day. The problem here: Izzy and I have never actually gone on a date. She has visited our employee housing several times, but she always has stayed with her sister. She came for the weekend last weekend and I eventually pulled her aside and kind of called her out in a sense. I let her know that I really enjoy her company, but I can't wait another month to go on a freaking date! So I basically said that very soon she needs to tell me when she has a day free and I will come to her and take her out. She explained that she got out of a very abusive relationship, and was having trouble trusting again. I'm trying to be very cautious, as I don't want to go through the same situation again. I like Izzy a lot, but I don't think it's fair to me to keep me waiting to actually kick this thing off. I could see staying with this girl for quite a while. Insights? Thoughts? They're all appreciated.
Author imfromhoiland Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Bump for a misguided young lad.
ditzchic Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 When someone says they aren't ready or don't want a relationship you should believe them. My advice to you would be to move on. You don't have to cut her out of your life completely but there is no clear time line on how long it takes to unpack the baggage from a bad relationship and that isn't your cross to bear. Don't try and date her. Let her get her stuff straight and come to you if/when she is ready. In the meantime live your life as if she isn't in it.
TheFinalWord Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 When someone puts up a blockade to their heart, don't try to knock it down. It never works. I would explain to her that you like her but want to date. Accept nothing else. If you end up being her phone buddy you will fall into the friend zone.
smudge21 Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 If you enjoy being with her, then continue doing so but accept that it may not lead anywhere. She's hinted at that. This urgency to get serious with someone says more about you then it does her. Rather than just simply cutting her out of your life, stay friends. Surely there's no rush here to start dating someone. If something happens between you two then so be it, if not, and you find someone else, then fair enough. As you're not emotionally involved yet, you really have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Despite what you read, men and women can be friends.
Sugarkane Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 It's not a good idea to date someone who's recently broken off an engagement. They'll be on the rebound for sure.
Author imfromhoiland Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 When someone says they aren't ready or don't want a relationship you should believe them. My advice to you would be to move on. You don't have to cut her out of your life completely but there is no clear time line on how long it takes to unpack the baggage from a bad relationship and that isn't your cross to bear. Don't try and date her. Let her get her stuff straight and come to you if/when she is ready. In the meantime live your life as if she isn't in it. That's what I was thinking I was going to do. It does get kind of messy with the "live your life as if she isn't in it" part, because she enjoys coming up to hang out with not only me, but my good friend her sister who I live in the same building with.
ditzchic Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 That's what I was thinking I was going to do. It does get kind of messy with the "live your life as if she isn't in it" part, because she enjoys coming up to hang out with not only me, but my good friend her sister who I live in the same building with. What I mean by that is get over the crush part of it. You don't have to never talk to her or see her again but having a crush on someone who isn't available to you isn't fair to you. That stuff does affect the other aspects of your dating life. You can still be friendly with her but I wouldn't try and be friends with her until you are completely over the crush.
Author imfromhoiland Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 When someone puts up a blockade to their heart, don't try to knock it down. It never works. I would explain to her that you like her but want to date. Accept nothing else. If you end up being her phone buddy you will fall into the friend zone. Yeah, I've figured out that she's built her walls too tall and too thick to get through without some help from her. It's not fair for me to keep chipping away and putting all that effort in and getting nothing. If you enjoy being with her, then continue doing so but accept that it may not lead anywhere. She's hinted at that. This urgency to get serious with someone says more about you then it does her. Rather than just simply cutting her out of your life, stay friends. Surely there's no rush here to start dating someone. If something happens between you two then so be it, if not, and you find someone else, then fair enough. As you're not emotionally involved yet, you really have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Despite what you read, men and women can be friends. I don't think that I really have an urgency to get serious. I don't think that going out on a first date all of a sudden makes things serious! I just want to see a little progress. It's not a good idea to date someone who's recently broken off an engagement. They'll be on the rebound for sure. That was the before girl that I already broke it off with.
thatone Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 The first mistake: About 9 months or so ago I started dating a very nice, funny, beautiful girl, named Michelle. So what could be the problem? Baggage. She had broken off an engagement probably 3 months prior. I was okay with taking this slow, as she wanted. Four months later, the taking things slow showed absolutely no progression. She had never stayed the night, we never moved really even to second base, and worst of all, I had shared some stuff with her to show my trust in her, but she did not share anything with me. Fast forward. I work with this woman Teresa. We've become good friends, and enjoy hanging out. We live in the same employee housing. About a month ago, Teresa introduced me to her sister Isabel. Izzy was great, quiet, but when she did speak up it was funny. She has a very gentle heart, and is a great girl. We went out to a company get together a month ago, and Isabel was invited. We flirted throughout the night, and as we left, she grabbed my hand and snuggled up to me. I thought this was great, we exchanged numbers, and have been talking on the phone almost every day. The problem here: Izzy and I have never actually gone on a date. She has visited our employee housing several times, but she always has stayed with her sister. She came for the weekend last weekend and I eventually pulled her aside and kind of called her out in a sense. I let her know that I really enjoy her company, but I can't wait another month to go on a freaking date! So I basically said that very soon she needs to tell me when she has a day free and I will come to her and take her out. She explained that she got out of a very abusive relationship, and was having trouble trusting again. I'm trying to be very cautious, as I don't want to go through the same situation again. I like Izzy a lot, but I don't think it's fair to me to keep me waiting to actually kick this thing off. I could see staying with this girl for quite a while. Insights? Thoughts? They're all appreciated. and despite what women will tell you about how great and noble your actions are, cautious/slow is not what they want, it just sounds like a good idea to them. so it won't get you anywhere, stop being that way. stop being cautious/slow. when a girl you're attracted to grabs you and starts physically flirting/touching/whatever, you need to start escalating that right then and there, and on a consistent basis thereafter. you learned a good lesson with the months of no sex with the first one, a lesson that every man has learned. never give a single woman the benefit of the doubt about what they're saying. saying doesn't mean anything, doing does. let them use you for your time/attention, and that's exactly what they'll do. be more assertive/aggressive. it'll work. you'll get sex more. when you start getting it more you won't be so hung up on it, it'll be just another thing and you'll have a much clearer head about these women you meet.
Emilia Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I know men, especially younger ones, are worried about coming across too aggressive or creepy or eager but a lot of women go a little weak at the knees when a guy communicates his sexual attraction clearly (a lot won't admit to it but when they fancy a man, they do go weak at the knees). Don't try to be their friend, don't try to go slow (if you don't want it that way yourself), don't enable flakiness with some misguided 'niceness'. Don't be passive basically. If you fancy a girl, make it very clear to her that you want to date her and that you want to have sex with her when all good and ready. All the charismatic, charming men I know who do well with women are cheeky and they tease. Sure they get slapped down from time to time but they also get laid by women who have fire in their belly If a girl isn't ready for a date, immediately move on. Anyone that used to be in an abusive relationship you don't want to be involved with, trust me.
thatone Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 yeah, exactly. to clarify further, the ones who don't admit to it in my opinion often don't even know they're leading you on. they're so wrapped up in their own feelings they aren't even considering yours, imfromhoiland. but that doesn't change the fact that if they wanted companionship without sex they could get that from a dog or their girl friends. they like men just as you like women. so go after what you want, you'll find that a lot of women will respond to that exactly how you want them to.
Emilia Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 to clarify further, the ones who don't admit to it in my opinion often don't even know they're leading you on. they're so wrapped up in their own feelings they aren't even considering yours, imfromhoiland. True. Especially if the man is a little on the quieter, more passive side.
thatone Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 True. Especially if the man is a little on the quieter, more passive side. at which point they'll go talk to every other woman they are friends/family with about him, who will all tell her what they want and they think, not what he wants and he thinks because they don't know him and can't possibly know. the end result is more failed short relationships, more frustration, more disappointment.
FitChick Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 When someone says they aren't ready or don't want a relationship you should believe them. True, but sometimes people think they are ready but find out bv dating that they really aren't. The trick is to recognize that. I don't date men separated or divorced for less than two years because I've learned from hard experience that they are not ready for anything serious. I don't want to waste their time or mine. I also know that I need a lot of time to heal and regroup after a breakup and never date during those periods.
ditzchic Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 True, but sometimes people think they are ready but find out bv dating that they really aren't. The trick is to recognize that. I don't date men separated or divorced for less than two years because I've learned from hard experience that they are not ready for anything serious. I don't want to waste their time or mine. I also know that I need a lot of time to heal and regroup after a breakup and never date during those periods. I am the same way. I need a really long time to fully get over an ex (a problem in itself) so I never hop into anything too serious with someone else too quickly. And I've also realized that even though someone has been broken up for awhile that doesn't always mean they are fully over it if you are the next person they get serious with. The last guy I dated broke up with his girlfriend of a year a full year before we met but he still had issues with her. I was totally his rebound because I was the first person he tried to seriously date after her. The point is you can never really be sure that someone is completely ready and willing for a relationship. But when they tell you they aren't, it's certain they aren't.
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