Question for the women about relationships

[TheSingleGuy]

I have a question for the women about dating and relationships and how often they are approached by men.

 

When you enter into an exclusive relationship with a guy, and he's now your boyfriend, do you notice that the number of men that approach you remains static or is there a decline?

 

Say, for example, you are single for three months. And during those three months, let's say, again, just of the sake of example, that over those three months, 6 men ended up asking you for your phone number.

 

Now, at the end of those three months, you started seeing one of them, and he's now your boyfriend. He remains your boyfriend for the next three months. Over those three months of being in a committed, exclusive relationship, will you still have the same number of men ask for your phone number as you had during the preceding three months? Would you still expect to see 6 men, from the earlier example, ask for your phone number during the 3 months of having a boyfriend?

[louise_23]

I have a question for the women about dating and relationships and how often they are approached by men.

 

When you enter into an exclusive relationship with a guy, and he's now your boyfriend, do you notice that the number of men that approach you remains static or is there a decline?

 

Say, for example, you are single for three months. And during those three months, let's say, again, just of the sake of example, that over those three months, 6 men ended up asking you for your phone number.

 

Now, at the end of those three months, you started seeing one of them, and he's now your boyfriend. He remains your boyfriend for the next three months. Over those three months of being in a committed, exclusive relationship, will you still have the same number of men ask for your phone number as you had during the preceding three months? Would you still expect to see 6 men, from the earlier example, ask for your phone number during the 3 months of having a boyfriend?

 

 

i get approached more when im single, but im out more when im single. without a guy.

[TheSingleGuy]

Thanks for the response, Louise. Ok, so, when you are in a committed relationship, you are with the boyfriend a lot. You spend a lot of time together. I get that. Obviously, fewer men are going to approach when you with the boyfriend. That makes perfect sense.

 

But during those times when you are out in society and he is not with you. Do you get approached just as often as if you were single? Are men just as likely to ask for your phone number when you are without him as they were when you were single?

[louise_23]

Thanks for the response, Louise. Ok, so, when you are in a committed relationship, you are with the boyfriend a lot. You spend a lot of time together. I get that. Obviously, fewer men are going to approach when you with the boyfriend. That makes perfect sense.

 

But during those times when you are out in society and he is not with you. Do you get approached just as often as if you were single? Are men just as likely to ask for your phone number when you are without him as they were when you were single?

 

 

actually, no. i must give off a vibe! i generally have less open behaviour when im in a relationship though. less flirty etc.

although i have noticed that sometimes guys want what they cant have and will pursue you because youre in a relationship. challenge, i suppose.

[ditzchic]

I find I get approached more when I am in a relationship. I think it has something to do with the relaxed, easy going, 'I don't care if you're interested' vibe that a woman gives off to men when she's happily attached.

 

But I am a stellar girlfriend. I barely even talk to other dudes when I'm with someone. I think that triggers the competitiveness in a guy though...

[Stung]

As the previous poster mentioned, the rate of getting-hit-on drops when I'm involved largely because much of the time that I'm out socially, I'm with the man I'm involved with. When out alone, the rate of cold approaches seemed to remain static. Obviously the rate of being asked out by guys who already kind of knew me would go down, as they would know I was involved.

 

Once I got married, the rate of cold approaches went down somewhat. Respect for the ring on the finger, I think. Also, even when I am not with my husband I am often with our kids. Still, though, sometimes I am surprised by getting hit on even when I'm wearing my wedding ring and out with my toddler. There's always going to be some guy who doesn't care, who wants to kindle an affair, or who wants to sniff around to see if you're separated or not really married or somehow vulnerable. Or single dads who don't notice the ring and think it would be convenient to hook up with a single mom, I guess.

[Ruby Slippers]

I get hit on more when I'm in a relationship. I think it's because I'm overall happier and more on when I'm in a relationship. In spite of my best efforts to be awesome when on my own, I definitely sparkle more when I have a special guy in my life to impress. I just have this I'm-sexy-and-am-getting-laid confidence that radiates offa me, and that shows.

 

And like ditzchic, I'm extremely loyal and respectful of my man and my relationship, even if he's nowhere around, or even if we just started dating. An example of this is that I was on a second date with a guy, a salsa dancing date, and other men kept asking me to dance when my date and I were taking a break and having a drink. I only accepted a few invitations to dance, and I checked in with my date to make sure he wasn't bothered by this. I think he found it slightly threatenening, but he was also impressed and a little pumped up that so many dudes were asking for a dance, so he was cool with it. If he'd had a problem with it, I would have had no problem declining the invitations.

[zengirl]

I was always approached by less men when in a relationship, but mostly because I wasn't out and about by myself nearly as often. I'm married now, but I wear my wedding ring in a necklace because I find it very uncomfortable on my hands (I don't know if I have really sensitive fingers or if most people just suffer or what). So, I still get approached sometimes because it's not obvious. When I am wearing the ring on my hands, obviously I don't get approached. But I get approached far, far less than when I was single. About the same amount of cold approaches, probably, but most approaches when I was single weren't totally cold---I'd smile at the guy or whatnot, at least, or I'd be a regular somewhere, etc.

[TheSingleGuy]

I was really hoping to hear more answers like the last one, where women basically don't get hit on or approached unless they're sending out approach invitations, such as eye contact or whatever. But it appears that with many women, they get hit on more after getting a boyfriend.

 

It sounds like, on the average, women get approached with the same frequency, after they have a boyfriend and are out in society without him, as they would if they had no boyfriend at all.

 

This is an issue I am still struggling with tremendously.

 

Somehow, when I was married, I managed to convince myself that because I wasn't hitting on other women, she wasn't being hit on either. I think we humans tend to believe what we want to believe. Just like the parents of a stoner high school kid who refuse to see the bloodshot eyes and droopy eyelids for what they really are.

 

Like an ostrich burying his head in the sand, I, as the boyfriend, try to imagine a world where no else ever approaches my girl.

 

It think it's pretty clear, that until I can see this as a fair arrangement, I have no business having an exclusive girlfriend. My problem, is, in no way can I see this as a fair arrangement. I stop approaching other women but she continues to be approached by other men. In my mind, this simply isn't a fair arrangement.

 

The troubling part of this, is, when the girlfriend is out in society without the boyfriend: At this time, the approaches go back to normal, just as if she never had a boyfriend at all. The "logical" way to fix this is to be with her all the time, to forbid her to have her own life. Obviously, that doesn't work, no woman wants to be controlled to that extent. The real solution is to learn to just deal with it.

 

But at the end of the day, the fact that 70 to 90% of all breakups and divorces are the desire of the woman, and not the man...I think it all boils down to this issue: Men approach women and not the other way around. A woman who was thrilled with her boyfriend some time ago is less thrilled now. Other men approach. Eventually one seems better or more interesting or more (Fill In The Blank). Do the math. It makes sense that women would initiate the break-up/divorce way more often than men. To me, that's logical.

 

Doesn't mean I have to like it. But it seems to be what it is.

[ditzchic]

I was really hoping to hear more answers like the last one, where women basically don't get hit on or approached unless they're sending out approach invitations, such as eye contact or whatever. But it appears that with many women, they get hit on more after getting a boyfriend.

 

It sounds like, on the average, women get approached with the same frequency, after they have a boyfriend and are out in society without him, as they would if they had no boyfriend at all.

 

This is an issue I am still struggling with tremendously.

 

Somehow, when I was married, I managed to convince myself that because I wasn't hitting on other women, she wasn't being hit on either. I think we humans tend to believe what we want to believe. Just like the parents of a stoner high school kid who refuse to see the bloodshot eyes and droopy eyelids for what they really are.

 

Like an ostrich burying his head in the sand, I, as the boyfriend, try to imagine a world where no else ever approaches my girl.

 

It think it's pretty clear, that until I can see this as a fair arrangement, I have no business having an exclusive girlfriend. My problem, is, in no way can I see this as a fair arrangement. I stop approaching other women but she continues to be approached by other men. In my mind, this simply isn't a fair arrangement.

 

The troubling part of this, is, when the girlfriend is out in society without the boyfriend: At this time, the approaches go back to normal, just as if she never had a boyfriend at all. The "logical" way to fix this is to be with her all the time, to forbid her to have her own life. Obviously, that doesn't work, no woman wants to be controlled to that extent. The real solution is to learn to just deal with it.

 

But at the end of the day, the fact that 70 to 90% of all breakups and divorces are the desire of the woman, and not the man...I think it all boils down to this issue: Men approach women and not the other way around. A woman who was thrilled with her boyfriend some time ago is less thrilled now. Other men approach. Eventually one seems better or more interesting or more (Fill In The Blank). Do the math. It makes sense that women would initiate the break-up/divorce way more often than men. To me, that's logical.

 

Doesn't mean I have to like it. But it seems to be what it is.

 

Yeah you definitely should go nowhere near a serious relationship until you work this issue out. Like a few women have pointed out, just because someone approaches it doesn't mean it means anything to us.

 

Get some confidence man. She's been being approached all along even before she met you and she picked you. That means something. You already beat out a huge chunk of competition by nailing her down. That's somethign to be proud of not scared of.

[Imajerk17]

I was really hoping to hear more answers like the last one, where women basically don't get hit on or approached unless they're sending out approach invitations, such as eye contact or whatever. But it appears that with many women, they get hit on more after getting a boyfriend.

 

It sounds like, on the average, women get approached with the same frequency, after they have a boyfriend and are out in society without him, as they would if they had no boyfriend at all.

 

This is an issue I am still struggling with tremendously.

 

Somehow, when I was married, I managed to convince myself that because I wasn't hitting on other women, she wasn't being hit on either. I think we humans tend to believe what we want to believe. Just like the parents of a stoner high school kid who refuse to see the bloodshot eyes and droopy eyelids for what they really are.

 

Like an ostrich burying his head in the sand, I, as the boyfriend, try to imagine a world where no else ever approaches my girl.

 

It think it's pretty clear, that until I can see this as a fair arrangement, I have no business having an exclusive girlfriend. My problem, is, in no way can I see this as a fair arrangement. I stop approaching other women but she continues to be approached by other men. In my mind, this simply isn't a fair arrangement.

 

The troubling part of this, is, when the girlfriend is out in society without the boyfriend: At this time, the approaches go back to normal, just as if she never had a boyfriend at all. The "logical" way to fix this is to be with her all the time, to forbid her to have her own life. Obviously, that doesn't work, no woman wants to be controlled to that extent. The real solution is to learn to just deal with it.

 

But at the end of the day, the fact that 70 to 90% of all breakups and divorces are the desire of the woman, and not the man...I think it all boils down to this issue: Men approach women and not the other way around. A woman who was thrilled with her boyfriend some time ago is less thrilled now. Other men approach. Eventually one seems better or more interesting or more (Fill In The Blank). Do the math. It makes sense that women would initiate the break-up/divorce way more often than men. To me, that's logical.

 

Doesn't mean I have to like it. But it seems to be what it is.

 

Temptation goes in both directions.

 

I see just as many pretty women out and about when I am in a relationship as when I am single, some of whom, to be blunt and objective here, are even prettier than my girlfriend at the time. And I know that if I were to go over and talk to her, I would have a decent chance of getting her interested--just as much of a chance as I would have were I single.

 

But when I am in a relationship, I don't do that. All that twaddle about connection and feeling a bond and caring about the other person and wanting to be respectful to them and all that.

[FitChick]

When you enter into an exclusive relationship with a guy, and he's now your boyfriend, do you notice that the number of men that approach you remains static or is there a decline?

 

I never notice other men when I'm in an exclusive relationship. Even if I weren't, I'd never give my phone number to a strange man.

[TheSingleGuy]

Well, my issue is like this: As long as she's the girlfriend and I can clearly see that she is totally into me... signs like always being available to see me when I want to see her... never declining sex... things like that... signs... as long as these signs are present, I honestly don't believe she'll give her number out to another guy. I believe a woman who currently feels this way will generally be loyal to her man. Generally.

 

The problem, is, a long term relationship. Like marriage. There's no way a woman is gonna feel that way forever. That can only last a few years at best. It doesn't last forever. We men, we're generally ok with that. At least, I can be. Women, on the other hand, it's another story. She sees these male options continue to come along with regular frequency. She sees what she is missing. Her husband, because he's not approaching other women, he doesn't see what he's missing.

 

Like I said earlier, it's just not a fair arrangement... at least not in my mind.

[ditzchic]

Well, my issue is like this: As long as she's the girlfriend and I can clearly see that she is totally into me... signs like always being available to see me when I want to see her... never declining sex... things like that... signs... as long as these signs are present, I honestly don't believe she'll give her number out to another guy. I believe a woman who currently feels this way will generally be loyal to her man. Generally.

 

The problem, is, a long term relationship. Like marriage. There's no way a woman is gonna feel that way forever. That can only last a few years at best. It doesn't last forever. We men, we're generally ok with that. At least, I can be. Women, on the other hand, it's another story. She sees these male options continue to come along with regular frequency. She sees what she is missing. Her husband, because he's not approaching other women, he doesn't see what he's missing.

 

Like I said earlier, it's just not a fair arrangement... at least not in my mind.

 

You need to talk to more women. You have some serious unprecedented trust issues. Most normal, well-adjusted women don't act like this. If you are dating and/or marrying attention whores who can't go five minutes without male attention then you may have a problem. But the easy solution is to not date/marry those girls....

 

To say that the only way you would trust a woman is if she were at your every sexual, emotional and physical whim is just a horrible way to be.

[Ruby Slippers]

A woman who was thrilled with her boyfriend some time ago is less thrilled now. Other men approach. Eventually one seems better or more interesting or more (Fill In The Blank). Do the math. It makes sense that women would initiate the break-up/divorce way more often than men. To me, that's logical.

The only time other men caught my interest was when I was in a relationship where we had mismatched sex drives (his much lower), and I was very unsatisfied sexually. I already knew the relationship couldn't last because of this. I was just trying to make it work because he was such a great guy otherwise, and I was young and didn't know what a deal-breaker this really was.

 

In a happy, secure relationship, some other guy would never distract me. If you are in a relationship with a woman of integrity with whom you have a strong bond, outside men are not likely to be a threat.

[Star Gazer]

It think it's pretty clear, that until I can see this as a fair arrangement, I have no business having an exclusive girlfriend. My problem, is, in no way can I see this as a fair arrangement. I stop approaching other women but she continues to be approached by other men. In my mind, this simply isn't a fair arrangement.

 

Yes, it is fair. What's fair is having an agreement about what you each do and can control.

 

She is not approaching men, she is not responding/accepting attention from men, and she cannot control the men who approach her.

 

So long as you both stop approaching or accepting attention from the opposite sex, it absolutely is a fair arrangement.

[Ruby Slippers]

The problem, is, a long term relationship. Like marriage. There's no way a woman is gonna feel that way forever. That can only last a few years at best. It doesn't last forever. We men, we're generally ok with that. At least, I can be. Women, on the other hand, it's another story. She sees these male options continue to come along with regular frequency. She sees what she is missing. Her husband, because he's not approaching other women, he doesn't see what he's missing.

In my experience, for every guy approaching a woman in a relationship, there's a man in a relationship ignoring his woman to masturbate to porn or check out other women/greener grass. This goes both ways.

 

Maintaining the sanctity and excitement of any long-term relationship, even friendships or business partnerships, takes commitment and effort. They aren't just magically great without any effort. Men and women can do dozens of things to keep a romantic relationship spicy and fun, and those who do have the best relationships.

[xxoo]

. She sees these male options continue to come along with regular frequency. She sees what she is missing. Her husband, because he's not approaching other women, he doesn't see what he's missing.

 

I've been married over 15 years...

 

If it makes you feel any better, the times that men have approached me generally make me VERY glad I'm married!

 

And a wedding ring on a man can make him very attractive to single women. No, women don't usually approach men in public, but coworkers can develop crushes, etc...

 

Nevertheless, each partner should make it their goal to see that their partner isn't "missing" anything. It isn't so impossible to treat each other like a King or Queen. I'm not foolish enough to believe that just any man would treat me as well as my H does. Don't marry a fool

[azsinglegal]

Yeah you definitely should go nowhere near a serious relationship until you work this issue out. Like a few women have pointed out, just because someone approaches it doesn't mean it means anything to us.

 

Get some confidence man. She's been being approached all along even before she met you and she picked you. That means something. You already beat out a huge chunk of competition by nailing her down. That's somethign to be proud of not scared of.

 

Yes, get some confidence....you should be proud men are approaching your woman. It means you have a good catch.

 

Or you could be like an ex of mine....

 

Who was furious whenever a guy approached me. He blamed it on me, said I didn't give out a "vibe" that I had a man. One time at the gym a guy approached me and when I told him about it he flipped out. Got crazy drunk and started yelling at me for not being the kind of woman who could let a man know she had someone just by body language.

 

It caused a huge fight. I had no idea what I was or was not doing. I still don't honestly...LOL

[Cypress25]

Who cares if other men approach your girlfriend/wife when you're not with her? She'll reject them, obviously.

 

Women won't be tempted to cheat just because the opportunity presents itself. If a woman is happy in her current relationship, it won't matter how many other guys hit on her. She'll turn them all down because she has no desire to cheat on her SO.

 

It think it's pretty clear, that until I can see this as a fair arrangement, I have no business having an exclusive girlfriend. My problem, is, in no way can I see this as a fair arrangement. I stop approaching other women but she continues to be approached by other men. In my mind, this simply isn't a fair arrangement.

 

It's not an arrangement. Women don't arrange for men to hit on them when they're out in public. It just happens; they can't control other people. When you're in a relationship, you're not approaching other women and she's not approaching other men. That's fair. And that's the part that you can both control, so that's the only part you need to worry about.

 

Men and women get treated differently when they're out in the world. But we can't control how other people treat us. You just need to stop thinking of it as an "arrangement." Consider how differently men and women get treated at car dealerships. Car salesmen treat men with more respect and offer them better prices because they assume women don't know cars and don't know how to negotiate.

 

Is that fair? No, but a woman can't blame her boyfriend/husband for getting treated better at car dealerships. It's not his fault and he can't control how car salesmen treat him. He doesn't arrange for better treatment at car dealerships, just like women don't arrange for men to hit on them at bars. There is no arrangement, it's not a conspiracy.

[Woggle]

I am not as extreme as him but in many cases a woman's lovey feelings tend to have an expiration date and once those chemicals wear off and an attractive guy is approaching her watch out. His fears are rooted in real issues.

[Cypress25]

We all know you're paranoid and you don't trust women, Woggle. You've had many threads about it. The truth is, a woman's "lovey feelings" don't expire for no reason. If that were true, women would never be able to stay faithful in long-term relationships or marriage. Feelings only expire if your SO stops treating you right. That's no excuse for cheating, but if a girl breaks up with you because you started treating her like crap, you can't really blame her.

[Woggle]

We all know you're paranoid and you don't trust women, Woggle. You've had many threads about it. The truth is, a woman's "lovey feelings" don't expire for no reason. If that were true, women would never be able to stay faithful in long-term relationships or marriage. Feelings only expire if your SO stops treating you right. That's no excuse for cheating, but if a girl breaks up with you because you started treating her like crap, you can't really blame her.

 

It sure seams that many women these days have a problem staying committed for more than a few years and it is not always because a man is mistreating them. I know men who have done nothing but treat her well who got the bomb dropped on them.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am not as extreme as him but in many cases a woman's lovey feelings tend to have an expiration date and once those chemicals wear off and an attractive guy is approaching her watch out. His fears are rooted in real issues.

Yeah, and we all know that once the mating chemicals wear off, men's minds wander, too. This is just human nature. Smart people of integrity -- men and women -- put in the effort to understand these facts and get a grip on them. It's the low-level monkey types who give in to their every impulse and chemical whim that you want to avoid.

[Cypress25]

I know men who have done nothing but treat her well who got the bomb dropped on them.

 

Ha! Is that the man's version of the story?