Jam3s Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Hi all, Just a background of the situation. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 months and did not meet (however concrete plans to do so were in place this month). Over the course of that 4 months we pretty much video and voice chatted bi nightly and texted every day and in that time there were some downers where she hurt me (her best friend made a move on her and she kissed him back, he also touched her which she accepted until realising what she was doing and stopped) however with lots of promises etc etc we stayed together because we were a good match. 3 weeks ago she landed a bombshell on me, told me this whole time she had been in a relationship with that very guy and she did not know why she did not break up with him for me since she loves me and wants to be with me yadda yadda yadda. After that I ended the relationship. Come forward a week and she contacted me to tell me it was all a lie with the reason for the lie being that she was told by her doctor she would not be able to have children and knowing I do want a family she felt she could not give me what I want and instead of explaining that with me upfront she told the lie about being with someone else because it was the only way she KNEW I would not want to be with her since telling me the truth would have meant I would have supported her and been there for her (which I would, she knew I was all for adoption anyway). Now this only made me more angry and I told her I wished to cease contact, she hurt me so much with that initial lie about being with someone else and although she says it was for me (and I would realise that when I got to have a family of my own apparently) I feel it was actually for her, because why would you hurt someone as much as she did me if you genuinely did it for them? A week on and she is sending lots of messages pleading me to talk to her etc, I eventually give in to just hear her out. She doesn't really say much more than I already knew, that she was sorry for hurting me and when I said I wished to cease contact because I felt she needed to let go of my and get over it she questioned if I ever loved her and when I told her that I no longer do she said that I must not have ever done so (honestly, the way she hurt me I really did lose the feelings I had, if that is normal I don't know). Now my worry is this. She says she can get over "us" but she can't get over me, as in she "needs me" in her life because I was the best thing to ever happen to her and I make her happy. Presumably she means as friends, however I really feel like she is holding onto this hope I will take her back, which in itself makes no sense given her intentions in fabricating the lie in the first place. She is also moving to my city permanently in 2 months, I KNOW she will want to meet and hang out as well and she has stated her desires to do so down the line. I sent her one last email explaining that I wish to cease all contact until I feel ready and until I feel enough time has passed for her to have moved on because I believe her keeping on wanting to talk to me and contact me will never enable her to get over it and that worries me for when she is living here. Am I doing the right thing by wanting no contact at all and ignoring her attempts to contact me? Realised I wrote a boring essay but I guess I would like an opinion on whether I am acting appropriately or not.
Author Jam3s Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Really appreciate you taking your time to help Fluorescent, those posts actually helped me more than I honestly thought this would. Your second post covers my exact fears. I am scared of being hurt again and with her insecurities I honestly believe it would continue to happen. On multiple occasions when she was feeling down she would tell me that I deserved better, that I could do better than her and I really tried so so hard to get her to believe me when I said I wanted her, that to me "better" did not exist because what she offered me made me happy, and I meant that, but it seemed to go through on ear and out the other and it almost became like a broken record. Unfortunately she has dealt with some terrible boyfriends in the past and I do not know what it would take for her to believe and trust that she does deserve to be happy but honestly I can't see anything else but me getting dragged down and hurt as she attempts to continually battle that and to me she needs to fight that on her own and within herself. As time moves forward and I am overcoming the hurt and quite honestly the disbelief of it all I am able to see it more from her perspective with regards to her actions, wrong as they were, but I can't trust similar situations wouldn't happen again and that is my biggest fear and reason for not wanting to go back. We did have a final conversation on the weekend and I let her have her say uninterrupted like I had mine and she got out what she needed to say, by the end she was relaxed and she sent a nice email more or less stating she wished to be friends in the future, she also does recognise her issues and I really do hope for her sake she can work towards rectifying those because even if she can't have a relationship with me I hope she can have a happy one with someone else.
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Lies to cover up lies to cover up lies? How do you know she is not still lying to you? It seems that not a truthful word has come from her mouth (or, keyboard). I would NC her. She sounds like an immature game player. If her story about not being able to have kids is true then it is sad but that is no excuse for her atrocious behaviour.
Author Jam3s Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Pete, I don't doubt her story about the inability to have kids, I have known about a particular issue she has been facing and the fact it could lead to that which is also why in the past I made it clear I would be happy to adopt if we did go down that path together and she was not able to have children, it is still a mystery to me why she seemingly ignored that with her reasoning to get out, but I think that may have pointed back to her insecurities and feeling inadequate in general, and the children was perhaps the easiest way for her to justify her motives. All I know is, she needs to work on her insecurities and self doubt and I cannot help with that, she has to do it under her own strength. And you are certainly correct about the breadcrumbs analogy Fluorescent, it has been my concern each time she contacts me, I simply need to hold firm and ignore when she does reach out and I have clearly expressed that and the reasoning around it to her. It is hard, but this is life.
veggirl Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 First of all, that is WAY too much drama for a 4 month long relationship. She sounds like a pathological liar, how do you even know her latest story is true? It probably isn't! They just keep getting more and more fanatical. Next she'll HAVE to talk to you because she is dying of some severe illness! You should go NC. Block / delete her. She will find a new guy to mess with soon enough. Honestly how can you believe anything she has EVER told you after all those lies? :sick:
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