just-me12 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I will try and make this short as possible. I have had really bad luck with guys my life. I am 20, and recently went on a dating website. I was a bit rudundent at first as a guy messaged me a few times (who was 26), I replied once saying sorry I am really busy at the moment and will get back later, I wasn't really busy and never did get back to him until a month or so later he messaged me again. Just after the new year. We spoke for a few weeks as I was at my hometown getting wisdom teeth out. When I went back home after 2 weeks of talking we met up, both are crazy beach lovers and outdoor people so went for a walk along the beach, was amazing, just got to know each other and an unexpected goodnight kiss. So that was last Tuesday, Saturday night we went out for a drink and went back to his to watch a DVD. Sunday afternoon I went around to his for a few hours and just relaxed as he flew out to Africa for six weeks today. He has very little communication for this six weeks can only contact me, I can't contact him really. So he has my address and said he will send postcards and that. In the last month of getting know him we have instantly clicked, I have never felt like it with any other, he was the one to bring it up that our connection is great, he is willing to wait for sex till I feel comfortable. He has asked me if I could wait the six weeks he is in Africa and I said yes with hesitation, normally I would. Thing is people say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but the no communication thing as well, should I keep hopes or just let it go? I don't want to get hurt nor wait six weeks for him to return to tell me I am not what he was looking for. Although he has told me I am everything he is looking for and I actually trust him, his personality is just one which is honest. He is traveling by himself, and doing safaris and that. Any help on if you think it will/wont work or how to get through the whole I miss talking to him stage would be great
TaraMaiden Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Look try to relax. Don't date anyone else, see just how many postcards you get, and see what happens when he gets back. If it all gels, great. If not - well guess what? At 20, your life's not over..... Just be a little more laid back and see how it swings.... He might be the great love of your life, or just a step of experience along the way...either way, don't over-stress it. Please tell me you're not thinking wedding bells.....right....?
KathyM Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Six weeks is not that long to wait for someone who has potential. Try to stay in contact somehow during that time to keep the connection alive. Hopefully, you can Email or Skype. If that's not possible, maybe exchange letters if that's possible. In any case, if he seems worth waiting for, then agree to wait. Six weeks is not very long to wait.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Look try to relax. Don't date anyone else, see just how many postcards you get, and see what happens when he gets back. If it all gels, great. If not - well guess what? At 20, your life's not over..... Just be a little more laid back and see how it swings.... He might be the great love of your life, or just a step of experience along the way...either way, don't over-stress it. Please tell me you're not thinking wedding bells.....right....? This is great advice. And i understand how hard it is just relax. i can't seem to do it myself in a new relationship. But there is wisdom in making yourself busy with a hobby while he's gone. It'll help take your mind off him for a bit.
Author just-me12 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Thanks guys for quick responses colliejoanie I agree with you! TaraMaiden great advice. No way not wedding bells at all lol. I don't want anything alike till I atleast finish uni which is 4-5 years away. I am trying my best to relax, just the last text I sent him could of been different to 'I worry that with you going and spending time by yourself you will realise at times I can be hard to handle' But I know he is understanding in that way and he has been in relationships and prob realise all women can be at times, just like men are for us. Mind you the few before were myself and him admitting how amazing the last week has been getting to know each other. And KathyM, thank you, in reality to me it seemed a while but someone else saying it isn't put a spin to it for me to see that it isn't all that long to wait definitely as you said if he is worth it and I think he is
KathyM Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Good luck. I hope it works out for you. He sounds like an interesting guy if he's going to Africa.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Ok I hate to be the spoiler, and really I would be all happy go-lucky well....I wasn't a man and didn't know the other side of things so well. Here's the deal; He's 26 and you're 20. That's quite an offset in experience, and trust me even at 26 you know that when you're hitting on a girl that is 20 it's still pretty easy compared to interacting with women your own age, and you know what you're after. Secondly, It's always easy for an older guy to play your strings than a one your own age. I have female cousins your age and I would totally bust a guys balls that was over the age of 22 or 23, because I know how men think and what they learn along the way...it's not much but it's enough,trust me. And guys by 26 are barely learning to how to make it all come together, they're not very advanced but they definitely know shooting low is much easier than getting your balls busted by a woman their age that many don't have quite the skill for yet. I know I'm making this sound technical but let me enlighten you to some knowledge/facts - Older guys have a huge advantage over you, you're 20...not very wise or in control of your emotions, you haven't learned not to touch the iron when it's hot. In fact you probably wouldn't know it till its hit you on the face, and you're still developing your radar for bull**** which trust me this guy has by now The younger they are, the easier it is to sweep someone off their feet without a doubt. And a lot of experiences...emotionally and just in general have a much greater impact on you than someone at his age who maybe experienced this two to three times by now. He's already been down that road emotionally and mentally (and no I won't believe that what he has told you about his past, I'm a guy remember?) This might not be the first time you kicked sand on the beach and had a "romantic" experience but i can pretty much assure you that he has (in fact he probably planned on it) - Him going on a long-term trip to Africa alone without no contact sounds very fishy to me. I've just came back from a trip to Europe and I can guarantee you there are a lot of ways to communicate with someone if they want to. - He is just as likely and willing to meet someone abroad and hook up with them then come back and spin the record with you again. - Men around this age especially as independent to people as he sounds don't typically have patience...they just know you are younger and they might have to wait around since you'll be apprehensive and they'll know how much you'll ::swooooon:: respect and appreciate the fact that they re willing to be oh so patient. Bottom line: It's a bad deal for you, regardless of how mature you feel there are many things you just cannot learn from experience. Get into the dating world with someone who is going to experience life's beginnings in terms of real relationships and the mechanics, and many other things with someone closer on your level. Because you will very likely get burned, and If he's so independent right now how eager do you really think he is looking for getting into a cozy, tied-down relationship? You'll just want more and he'll be gone somewhere else. The experience alone makes it a horrible idea in my book, you haven't learned anything yet...this guy has the potential to really sweep you and burn you (just like many guys who have two rocks to rub together at his age) and I don't think your ready for it. Date somewhere your age, gain experience while men still have their naivety and innocence instead of figured out the game and how to pull the strings. I'm a bigger hopeless romantic than probably any guy I've ever met, so don't think I'm bashing "love" but there's a lot more to it than that....and THAT you won't understand until later on down the road. Look at many women on here that are much older than you seeking advice...learn from others, take your time, trust your instincts and your gut, or you'll be played like a fool and trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces after you've been broken and it seems like there are just some pieces that you can't find ever again to put back inside of you...trust me, you want to be wiser than to let it get that far, love is a much deeper thing than walking on the beach and watching some DVD's as his place with a few promises so be careful. Edited January 24, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
KathyM Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Well, my husband is 6 1/2 years older than me. I married him when I was 19 and he had just turned 26. Worked out well for us. We've been married for many years, and are very happy. So it really depends on the person. Some women are more emotionally mature by the time they are late teens, early 20s. Some men are not the opportunist jerks that some would have you believe. No reason you can't see where this relationship goes.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Well, my husband is 6 1/2 years older than me. I married him when I was 19 and he had just turned 26. Worked out well for us. We've been married for many years, and are very happy. So it really depends on the person. Some women are more emotionally mature by the time they are late teens, early 20s. Some men are not the opportunist jerks that some would have you believe. No reason you can't see where this relationship goes. You think he wasn't an opportunist because married you? Also I've known far too many married men to just believe your "very happy claim", just because she is "emotional mature" (which honestly is a sham because that takes experience not nature) or assumed you were succesful just because you ended up getting married (which always seems to be the claim as If that's a stamp for eternity regardless of whether he cheats and you get divorced 4 years from now). And did your future husband go to Africa for six weeks without contacting you right after he met you? You might have marriage experience marrying at 19, but I think that would make your dating experience close to none. No no no though, roll the dice like I did because it worked for me!
TaraMaiden Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 ....And I'm 5 years older than my husband.... how does that work, then?
Author just-me12 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Ok I hate to be the spoiler, and really I would be all happy go-lucky well....I wasn't a man and didn't know the other side of things so well. Here's the deal; He's 26 and you're 20. That's quite an offset in experience, and trust me even at 26 you know that when you're hitting on a girl that is 20 it's still pretty easy compared to interacting with women your own age, and you know what you're after. Secondly, It's always easy for an older guy to play your strings than a one your own age. I have female cousins your age and I would totally bust a guys balls that was over the age of 22 or 23, because I know how men think and what they learn along the way...it's not much but it's enough,trust me. And guys by 26 are barely learning to how to make it all come together, they're not very advanced but they definitely know shooting low is much easier than getting your balls busted by a woman their age that many don't have quite the skill for yet. I know I'm making this sound technical but let me enlighten you to some knowledge/facts - Older guys have a huge advantage over you, you're 20...not very wise or in control of your emotions, you haven't learned not to touch the iron when it's hot. In fact you probably wouldn't know it till its hit you on the face, and you're still developing your radar for bull**** which trust me this guy has by now The younger they are, the easier it is to sweep someone off their feet without a doubt. And a lot of experiences...emotionally and just in general have a much greater impact on you than someone at his age who maybe experienced this two to three times by now. He's already been down that road emotionally and mentally (and no I won't believe that what he has told you about his past, I'm a guy remember?) This might not be the first time you kicked sand on the beach and had a "romantic" experience but i can pretty much assure you that he has (in fact he probably planned on it) - Him going on a long-term trip to Africa alone without no contact sounds very fishy to me. I've just came back from a trip to Europe and I can guarantee you there are a lot of ways to communicate with someone if they want to. - He is just as likely and willing to meet someone abroad and hook up with them then come back and spin the record with you again. - Men around this age especially as independent to people as he sounds don't typically have patience...they just know you are younger and they might have to wait around since you'll be apprehensive and they'll know how much you'll ::swooooon:: respect and appreciate the fact that they re willing to be oh so patient. Bottom line: It's a bad deal for you, regardless of how mature you feel there are many things you just cannot learn from experience. Get into the dating world with someone who is going to experience life's beginnings in terms of real relationships and the mechanics, and many other things with someone closer on your level. Because you will very likely get burned, and If he's so independent right now how eager do you really think he is looking for getting into a cozy, tied-down relationship? You'll just want more and he'll be gone somewhere else. The experience alone makes it a horrible idea in my book, you haven't learned anything yet...this guy has the potential to really sweep you and burn you (just like many guys who have two rocks to rub together at his age) and I don't think your ready for it. Date somewhere your age, gain experience while men still have their naivety and innocence instead of figured out the game and how to pull the strings. I'm a bigger hopeless romantic than probably any guy I've ever met, so don't think I'm bashing "love" but there's a lot more to it than that....and THAT you won't understand until later on down the road. Look at many women on here that are much older than you seeking advice...learn from others, take your time, trust your instincts and your gut, or you'll be played like a fool and trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces after you've been broken and it seems like there are just some pieces that you can't find ever again to put back inside of you...trust me, you want to be wiser than to let it get that far, love is a much deeper thing than walking on the beach and watching some DVD's as his place with a few promises so be careful. Okay I understand your advice and where you are coming from. And Yes I would agree with you if, I hadn't faced what I have in my life, I am very well developed in my mind in dating, I have my own reasons why and believe this very much so. I have experienced more then what most over the age of 50 have and come out of it a much better person. You have not sat in on our conversations though, you were not the guy that approached me, I know you are just giving your side of the advice, though I believe if I had told you all the do right down to rock bottom, you knew both of our personalities, I believe you may change your mind. Another thing I should mention is that he has mentioned me to his sister saying he has started seeing me and that we have plans for me to meet them on his return and his nephew. I do appreciate your advice, and a males perspective very much so thank you. I believe it is good advice very much so. Though I also believe I am matured much more then people my age due to what I have been through. I will take what you have said into consideration though. And leave it with hopes that he does contact me but understanding if he doesn't.
KathyM Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 You think he wasn't an opportunist because married you? Also I've known far too many married men to just believe your "very happy claim", just because she is "emotional mature" (which honestly is a sham because that takes experience not nature) or assumed you were succesful just because you ended up getting married (which always seems to be the claim as If that's a stamp for eternity regardless of whether he cheats and you get divorced 4 years from now). And did your future husband go to Africa for six weeks without contacting you right after he met you? You might have marriage experience marrying at 19, but I think that would make your dating experience close to none. No no no though, roll the dice like I did because it worked for me! I think I know my husband pretty well by now. We've been married a long time. No, he's not an opportunist. Maturity is not an age, it's a mindset. Some people are more mature at 20 than others are at 30. Just depends on the person. (Btw, I've been married many years, and we are middle aged now, so I'd say our marriage has proven itself over time). And I had been dating since 14 years old, and had two serious bfs at 17 and 18 before meeting my husband and dating him for 18 months before marrying the guy, so I do have a fair amount of dating experience. The guy may be going to a remote area of Africa where he is not able to contact a person. He probably has planned the trip well before meeting the OP. I don't see any reason to hold that trip against him. Sometimes you have to take a chance in life. Six years is not that big of a difference. I'm not suggesting that she marry the guy. That would take a lot of getting to know the person and finding out if he is relationship material. I'm just suggesting she not throw out any possibility of getting to know him just because he's taking a trip that he probably planned a long time ago.
Author just-me12 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 I think I know my husband pretty well by now. We've been married a long time. No, he's not an opportunist. Maturity is not an age, it's a mindset. Some people are more mature at 20 than others are at 30. Just depends on the person. (Btw, I've been married many years, and we are middle aged now, so I'd say our marriage has proven itself over time). And I had been dating since 14 years old, and had two serious bfs at 17 and 18 before meeting my husband and dating him for 18 months before marrying the guy, so I do have a fair amount of dating experience. The guy may be going to a remote area of Africa where he is not able to contact a person. He probably has planned the trip well before meeting the OP. I don't see any reason to hold that trip against him. Sometimes you have to take a chance in life. Six years is not that big of a difference. I'm not suggesting that she marry the guy. That would take a lot of getting to know the person and finding out if he is relationship material. I'm just suggesting she not throw out any possibility of getting to know him just because he's taking a trip that he probably planned a long time ago. You are correct in saying he has had this planned for a long time, So to ninjapjamas I mean six weeks in south Africa can not be planned in a month right? It is his trip of a lifetime, and in remote areas I do not believe he will find anyone to hook up with over there, if he were partying in USA or Europe for 6 weeks then I would be more free to knowing it was a fling. But it is different, as you said maturity is a mindset. He asked me if I could wait six weeks for him before we even met, he was not willing to meet me unless I could. Not all guys are about sex and hitting on younger people. I believe he isn't though as I said before with you advice and a guys perspective I will take it into account
Sugarkane Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I have to agree with Pajamas. When I was 19 I went out with a 26 year old. I was innocent and naive and he wasn't. It didn't end well. He said he wanted a relationship, yet he dumped me coz I didn't have sex on the first date. Well actions speak louder than words, thats for sure.
Author just-me12 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 I have to agree with Pajamas. When I was 19 I went out with a 26 year old. I was innocent and naive and he wasn't. It didn't end well. He said he wanted a relationship, yet he dumped me coz I didn't have sex on the first date. Well actions speak louder than words, thats for sure. How long did you guys date? Also had you had much experiance in dating and life in general?
Sugarkane Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 How long did you guys date? Also had you had much experiance in dating and life in general? He was a co worker [first and last time I do that] but I didn't know him well. As I was 19 I had hardly any experience, I have alot more now. I just completely can't stand it how guys straight out like this. Why say you want a relationship, if all you want is sex? Why lie about it for? There's nothing I hate more. I wanted a relationship and more than empty sex, so I was glad it didn't work out with this guy. What also turned me off was that he had a kid too, I didn't know this until later. From you bet it- not a relationship but casual sex. At 19 I didn't know how to handle dating someone with a kid.
TaraMaiden Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Predicting something like this is like putting your faith in all the furore surrounding the Mayan calendar.... I propose we all practice what we've advised the OP.... Wait and see, but don't put all your eggs into one basket....
Sugarkane Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 The irony is if that guy would've waited for me and god forbid- actually dated me, got to know me and became my bf I would've done anything for him. Men are really dumb like that. That's his loss.
Author just-me12 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 I think what I have to put it down to is, hope for the best but expect the worst, don't live day by day next to the mail box, keep busy with my life, uni work, gym and everything I enjoy doing. As cliche as it may sound if it is meant to be it will be. I am not saying I will not wait for him, nor am I saying I will drop everything to do so, just that if he doesn't realise the great person I am someone else is out there ready to and it is his loss. Thanks guys for your advice, really appreciated and both sides enabled me to see a clearer picture
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Just-me12...I grew up extremely fast, matured very quickly and always related to people much older than mine. My parents divorced when I was a teen, I lived with about 8 different families, didn't go to college right after school but I was trying to get my life together by working my ass off and trying to create at least some sense of "stability" and didn't spend a lot of time being a young, and naive teenager. On top of that I've always had a great deal of common sense, I went to private schools when I was a kid and asked all the hard questions you weren't supposed to ask or weren't taken kindly to that I should just have "faith" The reason I mention this is because I don't care how mature you think you are at your age, I can guarantee you, you won't be anywhere close to where you will be at 26...especially if you're not the random idiot. I've grown exponentially compared to when I was your age and even though at the time I thought I knew my **** I underestimated the value of knowledge from experience. You can read and understand something all you want and think you know the deal, but once you go through it you'll see how naive you really are about things. Kathy is the kind of person that is going to tell you what you're going to want to hear, although her situation has no impact on yours as you're a completely different person and in this day and age for most people the **** hits the fan sooner or later. Anyway I don't mean to carry on the conversation and I know you're a smart and mature woman for your age, but don't let yourself play you for a fool by thinking you know too much or can compare or determine your success by someone elses relationship. Plus I know what men think that don't tell their wives and what they really think and have done, just like when you get with a group of girls and spew all those stories and share experiences (if you're one of those) you think the husband or boyfriends know all about that? lol, not likely, and it's probably for the best!
KathyM Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 Age is a number, and doesn't equate to a guy who's only interested in sex. I know a young man, 26 years old right now, who is a single, wonderful guy and who is celebate. My husband had sexual experience at his older age, but he was very respectful of the fact that I had standards and morals, and he decided it was worth pursuing a relationship with me regardless. I know a lot of men, actually, in their mid 20s, who would not pressure you to have sex. Just because a guy is a certain age doesn't mean he's going to be a douchebag and force you to do something you don't want to do. And it's not going to mean he will expect something of you that you aren't ready to do either. So what I'm saying is, judge the man and not according to his age, unless he's in a totally different age bracket than you. Then, obviously, he would not be a match. Six years is not that much.
Recommended Posts