Author misssmartypants Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 It's called a double standard. You're gonna have to deal with it until society decides to change it (before you say it's wrong, men have just as many double standards as women). A man with kids is more dateable if he doesn't have kids living with him. You somehow think it's wrong for to judge a woman based off her profession yet you judge men based on their profession (or lack of one) as well. Not what I am saying. I am saying the majority of teachers with kids are unattractive (especially if they have more than one). The hot teachers are almost always the childless ones. There are many attractive single mothers. However, few attractive single mothers are in the teaching position. I judge a man based on his lack of responsibility taking. I don't care if he's a box stuffer at the Amazon fulfillment warehouse down the road, a bar tender, or a medical Doctor. He just has to have SOMETHING he does to support himself. If a guy got laid off, I wont dismiss him. If he gets laid off constantly - its a problem and I might back away. Your whole thing about teachers and kids and attractive versus unattractive, yeah, you just lost my respect. You don't know me or have a clue what I look like, you don't get to imply that because I have kids and am a teacher I am unattractive.
Woggle Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Hey, now there's an unfilled dating niche! Ladies, if we kill some folks, we'll get dates. Sad, but most likely true. It's true. Allieen Wuernous was just downright scary looking but get some work done and go on a killing spree then the men will be knocking down your door. Ted Bundy used to literally get hundreds of women showing up to court during his trial.
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 jobaba, you're a female? When did this happen?
Author misssmartypants Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 Sorry to derail further... How is it possible to not pay child support? His wages are garnished and if he has no job, he should owe the backsupport if and and when he gets a job and or collects disability/unemployment insurance. I think part of the problem is that you have three children. Seeking a man who has two or three children himself is not an ideal solution. Worst case (and usual) scenario, he's a deadbeat. Best case scenario, you have 5 to 6 kids total to support/visit/care for. That's a handful... I think you should start looking for single men who would date a woman with children. I would and I have. However, it is rare. I won't lie about that... He probably does what my ex does, works undertable jobs for cash or purposely takes minimum wage work so the court sets is as low as it can. I don't really put restrictions like that on who I will or will not date. I am totally up front about having kids and if the guy isn't into it, he can just not approach.
somedude81 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 jobaba, you're a female? When did this happen? Just because he dates single fathers doesn't mean he's a woman
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I judge a man based on his lack of responsibility taking. I don't care if he's a box stuffer at the Amazon fulfillment warehouse down the road, a bar tender, or a medical Doctor. He just has to have SOMETHING he does to support himself. If a guy got laid off, I wont dismiss him. If he gets laid off constantly - its a problem and I might back away. Fair enough. If you're not picky about profession then why are you only meeting unemployed men? Your whole thing about teachers and kids and attractive versus unattractive, yeah, you just lost my respect. I didn't know I had you're respect to begin with. Your post made it sound like you're a bitter manhater. You don't know me or have a clue what I look like, you don't get to imply that because I have kids and am a teacher I am unattractive. Yes, I forgot. You said you're a great catch. I should take your word for it because you say you are.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Sorry to derail further... How is it possible to not pay child support? His wages are garnished and if he has no job, he should owe the backsupport if and and when he gets a job and or collects disability/unemployment insurance. He could give lessons to other wanna be DB's. He remains "unemployed" on the books. Has a job that pays him under the table. Any money he makes goes into the girlfriend's bank account so child support (or the IRS, whom he owes) can't track him. He will never again have a job where he has to pay taxes in order to keep from paying me and the IRS. Straight from the Donkey's mouth. His child support is in arrears, but it means nothing to him since he got a DUI last year and doesn't have a license. His girlfriend and friends drive him around, and he knows they wouldn't give him a license back being in arrears, so he says he's not going to worry about it. Child support has been apprised of this, but without a private detective, i can't do a damn thing about it. I can't afford one. Yet.
thatone Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Ya know, that reminded me how much I miss doing that Sorry for your frustrations. Dating is tough. I gave it a go back in '10 but meh... I can empathize. Once you get past bitter and have given up all hope, it's not so bad. it is pretty fun.
jobaba Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 This is completely off topic, and I apologize but I just wanted to say that being a single mom with an ex husband who doesn't pay child support, and doesn't see his daughter more than one evening a month, I really appreciate the OP's dealbreaker # 2. He probably does what my ex does, works undertable jobs for cash or purposely takes minimum wage work so the court sets is as low as it can. I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but... Right now, you're paying for the mistake of chasing men who you had that physical or emotional attachment to. The men you chose turned out to be total and complete d@uchebags, and I know one of you still has not changed their instincts for attraction. Having multiple children with a deadbeat father will be a large handicap for you guys in finding a good man. If you had chosen more wisely, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe there was a guy you knew back then who wasn't the greatest looking, but was a good man and would have made damn sure his kids didn't starve. Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them... jobaba, you're a female? When did this happen? Lol...
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Just because he dates single fathers doesn't mean he's a woman I coulda sworn I've seen posts by him about dating women. Is he bisexual?
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but... Right now, you're paying for the mistake of chasing men who you had that physical or emotional attachment to. The men you chose turned out to be total and complete d@uchebags, and I know one of you still has not changed their instincts for attraction. Having multiple children with a deadbeat father will be a large handicap for you guys in finding a good man. If you had chosen more wisely, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe there was a guy you knew back then who wasn't the greatest looking, but was a good man and would have made damn sure his kids didn't starve. Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them... Lol... How could that come out any other way the the best possible one??? I'll never call chosing to marry my ex husband a mistake because I have a beautiful little girl. There are countless reasons I'm actually thankful to him. We all make mistakes. And hopefully we learn from them. I sure hope I don't remind someone of their "mistakes" long after the fact. It's not productive, and quite frankly, condesending. But, I'm not mad at you
Author misssmartypants Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but... Right now, you're paying for the mistake of chasing men who you had that physical or emotional attachment to. The men you chose turned out to be total and complete d@uchebags, and I know one of you still has not changed their instincts for attraction. Having multiple children with a deadbeat father will be a large handicap for you guys in finding a good man. If you had chosen more wisely, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe there was a guy you knew back then who wasn't the greatest looking, but was a good man and would have made damn sure his kids didn't starve. Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them... Lol... There is so much wrong with this. Sometimes bad stuff happens. Sometimes people misrepresent themselves. Sometimes people change or develop drug and alcohol habits after they get married. No one asks to be abused and abandoned and no one diserves to be treated badly. Who ever told you that you diserve that was so wrong. Did my ex husband go from being my high school sweetie, the guy I was gonna grow up with and then grow old with to a drug using jackass who regularly forged documents to get jobs, drug us all over the country, stole cars, tags, gas, and goods? Yes he did. When I married him did I know he was going to do that? Of course not! Did I realize what was happening and leave with two babies and the clothes on our backs and nothing more? Yes I did. Since then have I done everything in my power to raise these kids the right way and do right by them and everyone else? Hell yes. Is what I'm going through now "punishment"? no, it isn't. Its frustration. Its a bummer, but it isn't punishment or paying for some terrible thing I did. Life is what it is. People who blame the people going through bad times for their troubles are insensitive and wrong in the head.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 It's true. Allieen Wuernous was just downright scary looking but get some work done and go on a killing spree then the men will be knocking down your door. Ted Bundy used to literally get hundreds of women showing up to court during his trial. Paul Bernardo did as well but when they interviewed many of the girls/women they pretty much claimed that they were really curious to see what this monster of a person was like. I think it was more like a freak show then an expression of attraction but more then likely there were those nuts as well. I think I would have been curious to catch a glimpse of him but I have a pretty strict internal compass on respecting the dead, especially murder victims. For instance at the Thomas Edison home you can go back and see the graves. I just kind of think that after that much time in the ground, I'd want to have the gawking tourists with their dumb jokes etc. Leave me the Hell alone. And yes, I know he's dead and most likely not hanging about etc. But just the same I like to be respectful. With murder victims, surrounding their killer with avknowledgement and attention of that nature is very disrespectful to them IMHO.
Queen Zenobia Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but... Right now, you're paying for the mistake of chasing men who you had that physical or emotional attachment to. The men you chose turned out to be total and complete d@uchebags, and I know one of you still has not changed their instincts for attraction. Having multiple children with a deadbeat father will be a large handicap for you guys in finding a good man. If you had chosen more wisely, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe there was a guy you knew back then who wasn't the greatest looking, but was a good man and would have made damn sure his kids didn't starve. Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them... This opinion won't be getting you a lot of sensitivity points, but you make a very good point here. Obviously those men should pay their child support, but at the same time when you play the game sometimes you get burnt. Yeah sure, there are exceptions, but they are the rarity, not the norm.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but... Right now, you're paying for the mistake of chasing men who you had that physical or emotional attachment to. The men you chose turned out to be total and complete d@uchebags, and I know one of you still has not changed their instincts for attraction. Having multiple children with a deadbeat father will be a large handicap for you guys in finding a good man. If you had chosen more wisely, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe there was a guy you knew back then who wasn't the greatest looking, but was a good man and would have made damn sure his kids didn't starve. Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them... Lol... I used to be judgmental about people like this and divorce etc. In fact when I married my husband I thought "why don't those other foolish women watch for the signs. Why didn't they make sure he doesn't have a roving eye or a lack of empathy or responsibility." I was a fool like many many others. They say that "deep down you know who they really are" or that "there are signs." There simply weren't. My husband was the most determined, kind man I had ever experienced being with. He was not a standardly physically attractive guy but I loved his feel, eyes and hair. I grew to live them much more as time went on. We bought and paid for a home in the first two years together. My husband hid his separate life so well that I might not have ever known about it had their not been a series of strange and coincidental events when I was eight months pregnant with our daughter. Each revelation has grown more shocking and disturbing. That home we had is gone now, our business shut down. More debt then I care to calculate and he currently is living in the back of his car. I am quite sure that he has spent the weekend on another bender. I think I am being punished for what he hid from me, not because I vainly, selfishly sought out the shiniest diamond in the rough to assauge my young ego 6 years ago when we married. It makes me doubt ever getting involved with anyone, but I probably will as the years go by and this fades.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 This opinion won't be getting you a lot of sensitivity points, but you make a very good point here. Obviously those men should pay their child support, but at the same time when you play the game sometimes you get burnt. Yeah sure, there are exceptions, but they are the rarity, not the norm. What, exactly is VERY good point??? Did we "deserve" what we got? Really? None of you have any idea if my ex husband was "bad boy" when I met him. You're assuming. I guess I don't understand what you mean here......
FitChick Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Did I realize what was happening and leave with two babies and the clothes on our backs and nothing more? Yes I did. So why did you go on to have another child by him?
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but... Right now, you're paying for the mistake of chasing men who you had that physical or emotional attachment to. The men you chose turned out to be total and complete d@uchebags, and I know one of you still has not changed their instincts for attraction. Having multiple children with a deadbeat father will be a large handicap for you guys in finding a good man. If you had chosen more wisely, then you wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe there was a guy you knew back then who wasn't the greatest looking, but was a good man and would have made damn sure his kids didn't starve. Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them... Lol... Aside from myself, I'm sure many other guys what you've said. However, we didn't say this because we knew it would be taken wrong. The fact that you peppered it with phrases like "I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but..." and "Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them..." implies that you were pretty damn certain this was gonna be taken the wrong way. There are so many single mothers who will say, "My baby daddy is a deadbeat and he's the worst father in the whole wide world," but the fact is that these women had their kids. So what does that say about them? A single mother is a red flag because she begs the question, "If you're so great, why didn't your dude wanna stick around with you after you popped out his kid?"
Queen Zenobia Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 What, exactly is VERY good point??? Did we "deserve" what we got? Really? None of you have any idea if my ex husband was "bad boy" when I met him. You're assuming. I guess I don't understand what you mean here...... I don't know you, so I have no idea about your particular situation. But, in general when someone marries or settles down with someone who ends up being considerably less than ideal in terms of character it can be an indicator that someone's "people picker" was off when they chose that person. Settling down with someone is an investment, not just about "love" (although emotions do play a role to be sure). Marrying the sexy guy who works at Jiffy Lube or at various odd jobs simply because he tickles your fancy is not wise. Meanwhile the slightly nerdy engineering student who was just a bit socially awkward might have been a better choice. Again though, I don't know if that was the case for you or anyone else posting in this topic, but it is something that happens often enough for jobaba to have made what I deemed a "good point".
Dust Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 OP I'm going to echo what other posters have already said. You've been tainted by having a deadbeat baby daddy in your life. For me to hear a woman say she has kids would be a deal breaker. I'm not trying to be rude just honest. I'd consider it if she was a widow... but even then I'm not sure. As for women taking in a dead beat... Thats why I laugh every time certain posters here claim you need to have skills, money, fame to get women. You just have to like women and be willing to chase. There will always be women for these deadbeats and this has made me lose respect for people in general.
Author misssmartypants Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 So why did you go on to have another child by him? I was pregnant when I left. For a total of three. When things started getting bad they got bad fast. I left him. His threatening to kill me was kinda the last straw.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Aside from myself, I'm sure many other guys what you've said. However, we didn't say this because we knew it would be taken wrong. The fact that you peppered it with phrases like "I REALLY, REALLY hate to say this. I'm sure you gals are good people, but..." and "Again, I mean this in the best possible way. We all have to pay for our mistakes in life. I have made mistakes too, and am paying for them..." implies that you were pretty damn certain this was gonna be taken the wrong way. There are so many single mothers who will say, "My baby daddy is a deadbeat and he's the worst father in the whole wide world," but the fact is that these women had their kids. So what does that say about them? A single mother is a red flag because she begs the question, "If you're so great, why didn't your dude wanna stick around with you after you popped out his kid?" Actually, this isn't even worth my response, so I edited it and deleted it. Edited January 24, 2012 by colliejoanie
dreamingoftigers Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Seriously, the people who think they have it figured all out on how to spot what someone is going to be like in 5, 10, 20 years are the ones who will probably get very burned. I wouldn't worry about what a single, unmarried, young man has to state about having to completely restart life with child(ren) when the person that was supposed to spend the rest of his life with you developed emotional, mental or character problems. We are the ones who stuck by our kids and protected them and continue to provide for them. I am curious what their situation will be in 5, 10, 20 years. Whether they will be married and have children, whether those marriages will last etc.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I don't know you, so I have no idea about your particular situation. But, in general when someone marries or settles down with someone who ends up being considerably less than ideal in terms of character it can be an indicator that someone's "people picker" was off when they chose that person. Settling down with someone is an investment, not just about "love" (although emotions do play a role to be sure). Marrying the sexy guy who works at Jiffy Lube or at various odd jobs simply because he tickles your fancy is not wise. Meanwhile the slightly nerdy engineering student who was just a bit socially awkward might have been a better choice. Again though, I don't know if that was the case for you or anyone else posting in this topic, but it is something that happens often enough for jobaba to have made what I deemed a "good point". Hmmm. Ok. And no, this isn't the case with me and my ex husband. I really think it's a shame that people (I'm assuming never married, with no children) judge single moms so harshly and lump them into the same pot. But it's a battle I'll never win.
jobaba Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Did my ex husband go from being my high school sweetie, the guy I was gonna grow up with and then grow old with to a drug using jackass who regularly forged documents to get jobs, drug us all over the country, stole cars, tags, gas, and goods? Yes he did. When I married him did I know he was going to do that? Of course not! Did I realize what was happening and leave with two babies and the clothes on our backs and nothing more? Yes I did. Since then have I done everything in my power to raise these kids the right way and do right by them and everyone else? Hell yes. There simply weren't. My husband was the most determined, kind man I had ever experienced being with. He was not a standardly physically attractive guy but I loved his feel, eyes and hair. I grew to live them much more as time went on. We bought and paid for a home in the first two years together. It's true. I assumed a lot. Like Queenie, I have no idea how you met these men. Sometimes people change. His child support is in arrears, but it means nothing to him since he got a DUI last year and doesn't have a license. His girlfriend and friends drive him around, and he knows they wouldn't give him a license back being in arrears, so he says he's not going to worry about it. Man, and the guy still has a girlfriend? Meanwhile there's good guys left and right who cannot get laid for the life of them. Irony of life. Like I said before, I assumed a lot, probably. If you gals chose those men for reasons other then what I listed, there's no reason to be offended. But I could introduce you to a few guys tomorrow that I would give a <1% chance of into turning into deadbeat dads. I'd bet everything I had on it. They might not be great looking or suave or manly, but their values and sense of responsibility are rock solid. Just speaking in general. But I stick with the paying for mistakes in life tidbit. Our lives are a result of our actions after a certain point.
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