Wow... things really ARE funny

[hopeful4someday]

I thought I should post an update since I spent a good part of last year moping around about my crappy ex. To recap, it was a guy I'd been on-again, off-again with for 5 years and had finally (for reasons unknown) decided I loved and wanted to marry. Except that he didn't want to get married so I thought it would be just fine if we were committed to each other in an unmarried kind of way. When I finally got the nerve up to tell my side of things, he pretty much took the opportunity to destroy me. We'd had an age gap, and he told me he wanted someone older and more divorced than I was. I was a mess.

 

I tried NC and I couldn't do it very well. We txted on holidays. I went out to dinner with him once and sobbed the whole way home because he smelled just like I remembered he smelled and I wanted him more than anything.

 

He asked me out to dinner a while later, and I went, and we chatted and nothing happened.

 

I went to a sporting event and there were some guys there, all of whom I pretty much dismissed on sight because I was still busy pining. There was one who caught my eye but I had a list of reasons why he wouldn't be right, and so I didn't think too long or too hard about it. Afterwards, I went to dinner with the ex, and he told me to bring my stuff if I had work to do. I think he wanted me to come over but didn't quite have the nerve to ask.

 

Except that night I got an email from one of the guys there. I didn't think much of it at first. It was just a quick congratulations on my win and an invitation to do something else with another group if I was interested. I was so I went.

 

It turns out I liked him, a lot. It took me about a month and one last date with someone else to figure it out. We'd somehow started talking all the time, just as friends, and I'd gone out with someone else, come home feeling crappy, and realized as I was falling asleep that I missed him. I missed someone who wasn't my ex, who wasn't even someone I'd ever dated.

 

We hung out the next day and hit it off. We both have some baggage and issues that we're working through, but he is a stellar boyfriend and I'm hopeful that he might eventually be a stellar husband. Everything that I used to have to fight with my ex to get, he gives me because he wants to. We have a ton in common and do a lot of stuff together. He's smart and hot and accepts me for who I am (baggage and reservations included) and I'm smitten.

 

The moral of the story, to me, is that things are how they are and whatever you're going through, you can't REALLY mess it up all that much. I thought I had to go NC or something to end things with my ex, but the truth of it was, painful as our eventual separation was, it was over when it was over. After so many years of being off and on I picked a fight that I knew was permanent, and I knew when I walked out his door that I'd never see his house again. No amount of loneliness could make me want to be intimate with him again. It's true that perhaps having higher standards to begin with or going NC might have made the process go faster, but I suspect that I'd always have wondered how "things could have been." Now I don't wonder because I gave it 110% and ran it straight into the ground. Everything that could have been tried I tried, and everything failed.

 

I'd always also believed that I had to give myself space to forget my ex, so I'd stop comparing other people to him so that someone else could finally win... but it turns out that someone else won despite him. I didn't give myself enough credit. I thought the ex was the best I could do, that I'd have to sacrifice the things I wanted in a man to be able to find one "good enough" to replace him. It turns out I just knew what I liked, knew what I respected in people, and needed enough time to find someone who blew my ex out of the water. They're out there. I never would have believed it until now, but it seems to be true.

 

So this might be mis-posted, but I wanted to share it with everyone who's going through a crappy breakup. I don't know how long this relationship will last, or if it's ever going to turn out to be too good to be true, but I can say that it's been hands down the best time I've had with a partner in my life. Do what you love, follow your interests, and you'll find people out there. And don't worry too much about doing it wrong, because if it's meant to be it's going to work out regardless.

 

That's all.

[Pens55]

That is just the story I needed tonight, thank you!!!!

 

More importantly, Im so happy that you found someone and are enjoying every day as it comes, without worrying about the future...this guy sounds very good for you and I wish you a long happy relationship!

[CaliBabe]

This literally brought me tears of joy!

[dreamingoftigers]

Although when you go from being treated like yesterday's news to finding someone you like that is actually focused on you, you forget about Mr. Ex pretty darn quickly.

 

I married a year after my ex left me at the altar. I met my husband six weeks later.

[leoc1973]

I think I am exactly where the OP is. I was pining over my ex for a long time. I must have gone on dates with 20 other women. Then out of nowhere a highschool friend said hi to me on facebook told me she always had a crush on me and we have pretty much been dating ever since. She absolutely takes my breath away. I hardly think about the ex at all anymore.

 

Am I in a honeymoon phase? Maybe. But right now I am completely happy and I almost feel that I couldn't feel any better about a woman. She is so much like me its scary. I mean really scary. Its been 2 months and I don't see it getting any worse. I don't know how the honeymoon phase works but I am enjoying the ride. Does it all come crashing down? or gradually? I guess we will see. I think I took enough time to heal so I am not sure if the feelings I feel are real or if I have transfered them from the ex or however it works.

 

I am in love again tho. It might be too fast to fall in love but we will see. I was in the same place as the OP as far as my self esteem. I thought she was too good for me but now I realize that I can pretty much have anyone I want if you had told me that a year ago I would have laughed.

 

If things don't work out with the new people then hopefully we will be in a place where that bond with the ex is broken. Funny thing is my ex is magically as if she knows making contact with me again. Its creepy I haven't talked to her in 4 months and the same day that me and the new girl exchanged I love you's for the first time my ex sent me a text like 20 minutes later. I don't know if the odds on something like that are like hitting the lottery but it seems to always happen. she asked if I was seeing anyone if I was happy all that other stuff. I didn't even reply. She had 9 months to come back now I really feel kind of indifferent. Is it real? like I said I don't know but I will definitely be on here again if it falls apart sharing my experience.

 

Florescent I hope you are wrong about the OP but just like her I am still on love shack so you might be onto something. I will let ya know tho if you were right and also OP let us know how things turn out in a month or 2! Good luck! it sounds like you have been through a lot with your ex. You probably deserve some happiness and no one should ever be FWB for 4 years.

[hopeful4someday]

Wow... I haven't been back since I posted. I'm in class, bored, cleaning my bookmarks tonight and realized I'd left a stray here and thought I'd poke back here to see whatever came of this.

 

You guys are harsh! Geez.

 

So here's an update - things are awesome, my boyfriend rocks, and the initial excitement has faded some. Yes - I still see him as a potential future husband (otherwise I wouldn't be dating - period). Our families and friends are unanimously supportive, we have tons of fun and share a lot of hobbies and preferences, and generally all is right in the world. We are growing into the relationship and it is going well.

 

I'm normally skeptical of falling in love fast too. But sometimes it feels right, and things click and you match in ways that you've never matched with anyone before. You can make each other laugh so hard over stupid stuff that it hurts, and you're not just lovers, but good friends who really, truly care about each other. I'm not saying it's not going to go down in flames sometime in the future, but I think it's the real deal and not just a rebound. Might he change his mind in a few months? Maybe. Might I? Maybe. But there's no sense in living in fear of what could happen instead of letting what will be be. I'm not going to turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm going to put my best foot forward, not make any major life decisions too fast, and act in good faith that this man might be the one I spend the rest of my life with. If we're meant to be together, there IS no rush because we have the rest of our lives to share. That doesn't mean I didn't fall in love with him fast. It doesn't mean I didn't "break the rules". But here's the thing -- the rules are stupid. If someone can prove to me, empirically, that the factors that influence mating are all fully conscious (they aren't), I'll follow the rules. Until then, I'm going to follow my heart, and I think my heart is right on this one.

 

BTW, Fluorescent, it's "sixth sense", not "six sense", and something tells me you have a bug up your butt about your own baggage moreso than any psychic powers. Let go, go find someone who makes you happy (or at least happy enough to not criticize everyone else!) and be happy. Trust me, it's a lot more fun than nitpicking other people's relationships. If you really want to know why I was with my ex for so long, it was because I chose him as the lesser of two evils. My past boyfriends had been clingy, stalkery, and suicidal when I wanted to leave them. I'd actually never even wanted to be with them, but I'd somehow ended up in it (mostly because I was always hesitant to say no, and/or I wanted to "help" them - haha) and once I was in I couldn't get out. I never had to worry about that with my ex. He had absolutely no potential to become physically violent towards me and that was my top priority at the time. It's not like I thought everything was happy and great in the time we were together. We were off and on and it was clear that my feelings were stronger than his -- but that's what I was comfortable with at the time. He was safe, and I wanted something safe. I was more comfortable being hurt emotionally than running the risk of being hurt physically. He was also physically attractive, interesting to me as a person, and someone with whom I had great physical chemistry -- factors which kept me coming around and what led to my deeper feelings for him. I'm grateful that he was in my life, that it finally ended as badly as it did. Otherwise, I think I'd still be afraid to take risks and let myself be loved without fearing for my safety. My experience with him finally pushed me to a point where I was willing to accept that many men can handle rejection without becoming violent, regardless of what I had experienced in adolescence and young adulthood, and that if I screened my dates appropriately, I could likely nip trouble in the bud. I also learned that I didn't have to settle for "nice guys" who I didn't find attractive or have any chemistry with. That's the back story. You can be as cynical as you want, but the bottom line is that I am confident that I'm at the point where I'm emotionally ready to (a) take care of myself and my own needs, and (b) be a good partner to the right person.

 

I probably won't be back here, at least not in the foreseeable future, but I wish everyone the best of luck. Don't be haters.

Edited March 21, 2012 by hopeful4someday

[hopeful4someday]

Have some downtime and thought I'd pay this place a visit and see how it was going.

 

Update: I'm married to the "rebound". We share a lot of the same values, we are honest with each other, and we connect on a natural level that I can't really explain. So far so good!

[tikay00]

I think I am exactly where the OP is. I was pining over my ex for a long time. I must have gone on dates with 20 other women. Then out of nowhere a highschool friend said hi to me on facebook told me she always had a crush on me and we have pretty much been dating ever since. She absolutely takes my breath away. I hardly think about the ex at all anymore.

 

Am I in a honeymoon phase? Maybe. But right now I am completely happy and I almost feel that I couldn't feel any better about a woman. She is so much like me its scary. I mean really scary. Its been 2 months and I don't see it getting any worse. I don't know how the honeymoon phase works but I am enjoying the ride. Does it all come crashing down? or gradually? I guess we will see. I think I took enough time to heal so I am not sure if the feelings I feel are real or if I have transfered them from the ex or however it works.

 

I am in love again tho. It might be too fast to fall in love but we will see. I was in the same place as the OP as far as my self esteem. I thought she was too good for me but now I realize that I can pretty much have anyone I want if you had told me that a year ago I would have laughed.

 

If things don't work out with the new people then hopefully we will be in a place where that bond with the ex is broken. Funny thing is my ex is magically as if she knows making contact with me again. Its creepy I haven't talked to her in 4 months and the same day that me and the new girl exchanged I love you's for the first time my ex sent me a text like 20 minutes later. I don't know if the odds on something like that are like hitting the lottery but it seems to always happen. she asked if I was seeing anyone if I was happy all that other stuff. I didn't even reply. She had 9 months to come back now I really feel kind of indifferent. Is it real? like I said I don't know but I will definitely be on here again if it falls apart sharing my experience.

 

Florescent I hope you are wrong about the OP but just like her I am still on love shack so you might be onto something. I will let ya know tho if you were right and also OP let us know how things turn out in a month or 2! Good luck! it sounds like you have been through a lot with your ex. You probably deserve some happiness and no one should ever be FWB for 4 years.

 

Who cares? The important part is you're over your ex.

[Light Breeze]

Have some downtime and thought I'd pay this place a visit and see how it was going.

 

Update: I'm married to the "rebound". We share a lot of the same values, we are honest with each other, and we connect on a natural level that I can't really explain. So far so good!

 

Wow! Congratulations and hope you stay strong together. I hope I get to be happy too in the future, although it looks bleak now.

 

Just o e question though, are you finally really over your ex?

[hopeful4someday]

Wow! Congratulations and hope you stay strong together. I hope I get to be happy too in the future, although it looks bleak now.

 

Just o e question though, are you finally really over your ex?

 

Yes. I don't think about him unless something in particular reminds me (which doesn't happen often), and I don't remember him with any particular fondness or have any desire to get back together with him. If anything, I wish I would have wised up and ended it much sooner. Life is way too short to spend with people who leave you doubting yourself and feeling like crap. Go have fun and do what YOU love and everything will work out.