spiderowl Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) Hi, I'm hoping to hear others' views on this because I don't know if it's something I'm doing or if it's them. I do the online dating sites thing but I'm getting increasingly fed up with the way I'm treated by guys. Some guys are just coarse and crude from the start and I drop them as soon as I realise. There seems to be another problem though and I can't tell whether I'm triggering it or if dating sites are just a bad idea. Please let me know what you think. On the rare occasions when I get chatting to a guy who sounds OK, the guy inevitably gets frustrated with me and then changes. I don't flirt online. I don't feel comfortable joking with and teasing a guy I don't know and, in some cases, haven't even seen a picture of. Even if we've chatted online for an hour or so, I don't feel that counts as 'knowing him' and trusting him. It takes time to get to know a person. We may meet in person and find we are not remotely attracted so it seems premature to flirt online with him. I save flirting for when I trust a guy and we are going out with each other, then I feel I can be freer with him without misleading him. I am reserved because I don't want to lead him on or play an online flirting game with a stranger. So what happens is the guy starts to flirt online, being suggestive, innuendo and so on. I tell him I don't flirt online. He seems to say that's ok and then periodically tries again. Eventually, we say goodnight and the next day he wants to chat again but this time the mood has changed and he becomes more dour and more sexually 'up front'. He'll make more obvious references to what we could do together and make comments like how he needs to take his shirt off and how he could give me a massage, a very enjoyable one (wink, wink), that kind of thing. I laugh it off or ignore it. Eventually, he says or does something that can't be ignored and that I feel is sexually aggressive and a very definite statement which implies the conversation is not what he wants and he's making a point. For example, he'll say he's taken his clothes off. At that point, I feel he's getting at me, angry, not the guy I was starting to like, and I have to give up on him as he's not being respectful. I'm not inhibited - when I'm with a guy I'm dating and I trust him, I feel flirting is appropriate. I just don't like this sexual teasing stuff online. I feel if that's what a guy's looking for, he could call a chat line or chat to the kind of woman who's really into that stuff. Why me? So, am I best giving up on online dating altogether? It is a question of having to flirt online and pretending you already know and trust the guy and vice versa? Isn't he just getting his jollies by talking sex online? I'm really fed up with this crap. Whatever happened to respect? Edited January 23, 2012 by spiderowl
colliejoanie Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I have SO been in your situation many times. I wonder if it's because technology has changed so much that people don't feel the need to establish a romantic relationship with others before talking about sex......the internet allows people to forgo what used to be courting. They skip over the niceties and move right to sex. It definitely helps to weed men out, in my opinion. I absolutely will not continue to talk to someone who hasn't met me, or even if we've been on one date and he starts with the sexual inuendos. It shows exactly his intentions of hitting it and quitting it. He's not spending any time getting to know what makes me different from the last girl he slept with. Especially if he hasn't met me, I wonder who the hell else he's throwing that out to? Is it bait.....and whomever bites gets the prize? I think it's completely disrespectful. The first time this happened, I actually liked the guy.....so I told him I thought his "sexting" me after our first date was inappropriate, and to just tone it down. It made me uncomfortable, but I'd like to see him again. His response?? Uhhhh, no thanks.
turt Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I would ignore them right when they start talking like that. I never talk to women like that on dating sites. Of course, I haven't had any success on there yet!
colliejoanie Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Ooops. I didn't mean to send that yet. So it wasn't proof read But I wanted to add that now when it happens, because it happens more often than not, I NEVER respond ever again.
Author spiderowl Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Sadly, the way things are going, it's going to filter all of them out. Even the nicest-sounding guy seems to turn into the guy who's making a point and then, of course, I have no other option but to quit. Most seem to see it as natural to do a bit of flirting online - and I'm not talking about the sleazy types but the ones who sound OK. I get the "Life's too short" excuses. Just when I'm starting to think "this guy seems OK", he changes into yet another online sleaze. I'm really thinking now there is no point thinking I could meet a decent guy online.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Don't give up! I've had two relationships delevop from online dating. Both men were respectful and appropriate. I think it was because they truly were looking for a relationship. Not someone to "bang". Keep looking.
Author spiderowl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 That's a nice thought, colliejoanie, but there comes a point when it's proving too painful to continue. I should have learned by now that the kind of guy I like is rarely found online. The whole thing is very demoralising.
veggirl Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 How about skipping the hour long chats until you have met and determined if there is a mutual attraction? A couple of emails, photos (if not public), and then coffee.
turt Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 That's a nice thought, colliejoanie, but there comes a point when it's proving too painful to continue. I should have learned by now that the kind of guy I like is rarely found online. The whole thing is very demoralising. It seems like the whole online thing is like that and I'm male. I'm also staying on there since it's worth a try.
Author spiderowl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 How about skipping the hour long chats until you have met and determined if there is a mutual attraction? A couple of emails, photos (if not public), and then coffee. Because I won't meet anyone until I have at least some idea that he's not a weirdo and we are on the same wavelength. There's no point meeting otherwise. I don't think it's wrong to chat to someone you are thinking of meeting. If they find chatting a problem, they won't be right for me anyway as I need someone who can communicate.
Author spiderowl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 It seems like the whole online thing is like that and I'm male. I'm also staying on there since it's worth a try. If you can talk to a woman without there always being innuendo and without calling her 'babe' or 'hun', you will be in demand! I just don't get why guys feel they have to behave so disrespectfully. I do wonder if they are being brainwashed by the PUAs to think that if they are not scoring on day one, then the woman is trying to cheat them. Something is seriously amiss anyway.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 How about skipping the hour long chats until you have met and determined if there is a mutual attraction? A couple of emails, photos (if not public), and then coffee. OP never said anything about hour long chats, I don't think......I surely don't have hour long chats with these guys. Unfortunately, it happens almost immediately. But, if she is having hour long chats and they turn inappropriate, I'd say it's a good thing she had hour long chats, so she could find out the intentions of the guy.
misssmartypants Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I think there are just a lot of really rude, crude men on the dating sites. I suspect many of them are looking to cheat on a wife or long term girlfriend and so they just hit up any woman they find remotely attractive for sex. Its disgusting. I've used dating sites on and off for five years. One boyfriend. uncountable offers of sex or that pointless innuendo that it supposed to be cute, but really isn't. I am seriously considering quitting the whole game. Its pointless, expensive, and makes me feel awful about myself, my life, my choices.
colliejoanie Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Sorry, I just reread OP's post. I see where she is having hour long chats.....I don't think that's a bad thing though.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Well I'm a man, and I have done online dating off and on for a number of years. Although currently I'm just looking for friends, so generally I spend more time talking to people than actually meeting in person. When I'm dating or at least looking for a relationship I'm more proactive I guess you could say in meeting sooner rather than later but I'm never in a hurry to get to know someone first regardless. Anyway the point is in at least my experience women bring up sex 90 percent of the time in conversation, and If I do It's usually in a light joking manner or maybe we crossed a topic that deemed that kind of relevant to the conversation which was not anticipated or manipulated into being talked about...after all we're all grown adults It's not forbidden to talk about sex I think it's like anything else it has to be respectful and consensual. Also a lot of older women can be quite aggressive and make plenty of innuendos in which many cases I don't really find appealing...If anything I'm quite turned off by overly aggressive women when I don't even know them. I'm not desperate for sex or getting laid! I would just be clear about it maybe in the beginning If you keep having that problem? I guess for me it's different...since of course men are all sex hungry monsters (even though I'm more sexual than most men and don't say a 1/4 of the **** they say or most of the dumb **** they do)...but instead of it just being a clear sign that this isn't the type of person for you then maybe like most women you could either expect or accept the behavior or tell em off? Guess that's your call. Edited January 24, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
xpaperxcutx Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Dating sites help you filter out the casual sex and chance encounters but they're never 100% full proof. In fact most guys do the old wanting a relationship trick just to bypass the email restrictions. If you have to ask who's at fault, it's a 50-50 thing between you and them. First of all, men who behave like this are those looking to get into your pants and they will try to test boundaries. When you encounter such behaviour you either shoot them down politely or you say sayonara. Of course, as women we're always more forgiving which means we're silently giving them the go head to pull something again. Second, save online chatting for friends. Ims are very impersonal and in my opinion a step down from emails. Do you really have the time to spend in front of a computer all day? If he's not asking you for your number to call or text, then you go and pick another fish from the litter. Third, online dating should be associated with fun. Since both genders have their pick of thousands of profiles, you're going to have distinguish yourself from the rest- in a classy way of course. There's light flirting and then there's explicit flirting. When I flirt I often resort to nicknames I give them, like Mr. Nightowl ( for a cop I know), etc. it's cute and endearing. However if conversations starts involving words like penises, vaginas and/ or threesomes you expertly change the topic. Men who gets the hint never bring it up again ( until they're dating you exclusively). Those who do, you NEXT them.
Author spiderowl Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 I would just be clear about it maybe in the beginning If you keep having that problem? I agree with you that we are adults and there is no reason not to talk about sex but I make it clear I don't like innuendo and don't flirt, but it makes no difference. They laugh it off, restrain themselves for a short while and then start again. I start liking a guy and then he seems to decide he's had enough of not chatting about his favourite subject and then starts the stupid innuendos, testing the ground. When I don't respond to that or say I don't feel comfortable with it, they do it all the more and then do something more blatant. It's as if they've decided there is no point continuing. Fair enough, if they want sex now and don't want to get to know a woman first, then it's best they push off, but it's just sad that so many guys seem like this. I guess the problem is that online we are all objects not people and so guys are behaving as if that's the case. It's no wonder they get frustrated with women online. They are shooting themselves in the foot.
veggirl Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Well, if you want to have lots of talk-time before actually meeting, then why not keep it to emails or have phone conversations? If they get sexual on chats, they will likely do the same over text. So why not just do emails / phone calls until you meet and cut out the chatting?
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Men typically act like this because they have a limited conversational skills, have bad intentions obviously and don't want to waste much of their time to getting laid. But these men are easy to spot, what you're expecting is these men to become men that are looking for no more than sex to acting like they want relationships. That's why eventually they're going to start breaking down and the act will come down. However I think it's important to express your expectations and what you're looking for to a degree, so you don't burn a guy who happens to throw out a innuendo innocently and gets judged for you because you feel a different way about that content...especially when most people flirt and make innuendos pretty casually. But that doesn't mean it won't stop these guys from still coming at you or trying it, you just gotta cut your losses right away and move on.
carhill Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 OP, IMO, set a boundary for both time and behavior where you will either continue or discontinue. Example (not advice): 'If we chat for an hour, get along great and he doesn't ask me out on a date, I discontinue contact' You pick your boundary parameters and stick with them. Triage potentials according to your boundaries and summarily dismiss those who don't pass muster. As an example, you say you do not like to flirt sexually online. Fair enough. If a man does this, set your boundary, e.g. 'I don't feel comfortable with this conversation'. If he continues, erase him. Etc, Etc. I would say that, of all the potentials which present themselves, if you constantly find yourself up against your boundary ropes, take a look at how you triage potentials. It's highly unlikely every man who approaches you is this way. Your choices are involved in this process too. Good luck.
Emilia Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I think using IM is not a good way to get to know a stranger. It's instant so it creates a false sense of intimacy but at the same time it's quite impersonal and I can see how some people would allow their boundaries to loosen as a result. OP, if you want to screen out men before you meet them exchange a couple of emails first and then move on to the phone. There will be lots of guys who will not be prepared to do this and will insist on IM. This should be your first filter.
Author spiderowl Posted January 26, 2012 Author Posted January 26, 2012 Thanks for all your good ideas and thoughts. Maybe I should express boundaries sooner. I think I do but maybe I'm not clear enough. I get put off at the IM stage usually. I'll just give up on guys, solves everything!
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