orbiting Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) I open my e-mail inbox and see an e-mail from him. The first thing message from him to me since October, literally (to the very day) 100 days since our last conversation. The subject line is "From the Bottom of My Heart". As I read that subject line alone, I feel as if my heart is going to break. The past 3 and 1/2 months have been a big adjustment as I've tried to forget about him/our 3 year relationship completely and instead focus on bettering myself and my life. And yet, there it is. An e-mail - his name, the subject line - in my inbox. Perhaps the e-mail I've been waiting for, perhaps the e-mail that could just.. somehow give me closure and peace of mind. I'm conflicted, because I don't know whether I should open it or delete it, and in doing so just accept that regardless of what he has to say, it is over between us. Over for good, without looking back. Heart wins over head (sadly enough), and I open it. The anticipation and pit of hopeful sadness in the bottom of my stomach is beyond description. And what did it say, this e-mail entitled "From the Bottom of My Heart"? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. It was spam. Literally one sentence of spam (a link advertising who knows what). In disbelief, I Google -- and get ready for this, because this is the saddest thing I've ever done -- "from the bottom of my heart e-mail spam". And, sure enough, it's true. That (along with "This is a gift for you") is an actual subject line used by random spambots that somehow infiltrate your account and send spam to your contacts. It had nothing to do with him - he didn't write; he still hasn't written and clearly won't in the future. I'm sorry for this insane rant, but I just.. had to get this out somehow. This has somehow managed to colossally ruin my entire day and make me feel so .. I don't even know how to articulate it. I was doing better, I was moving on, I was slowly letting go and I just did not see this coming. Edited January 23, 2012 by orbiting
Twos Company Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 How awful for you, I can imagine all the emotions running through you only to then find it was spam...but 'this too will pass', onwards and upwards.
Frank13 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 How awful. You would rather he didn't send anything and when you saw this you thought it might give you closure and peace of mind. Then it turns out to be spam. The worst of all possibilities.
RonChalant Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Yeah...that blows I can't lie. Ehh, all I can say is keep it moving. One day you'll be able to find the humor in it
Pens55 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 That just blew my mind...I feel for you. Just hoping that somehow this will make you stronger
lilyblue Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I'm sorry It seriously took me 5 minutes to get through your post because after I read "his" subject line my mind wandered to what I would do/think/feel in that situation. I was so wrapped up in that that my heart dropped for you when I continued reading. So sorry. Hang in there.
jquest1280 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I remember that feeling, but it didn't come with a spam mail, it came with an expectation, like, I would see him in a group gathering tonight, and in my imagination, he would say this to me, he would do that, and we would have fun and I would have closure. No such thing happened, and I went home disappointed. After some time I learned to expect to be disappointed, and even laugh at myself or imagine myself knocking my head on a wall, for expecting I would get anything from him. At least YOU were let down by spam mail, not the real person. We're not getting anything, sweetie, so just keep moving forward. One day, you'll be laughing at it as you tell the same story to a good friend.
Author orbiting Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 Thank you very much to everyone who read through this thread and offered feedback - to be honest, I don't even know why I shared what I did, because there's really nothing that can be said or done about this situation anymore. I guess it just got to me because - even despite it having literally been 100 days since we broke up - somewhere within me, I still had some inkling of hope left. Some small wish or feeling that eventually he would say.. something of substance, or even anything at all. I was moving on with my life, I was letting go and trying to forget, but at the same time - I wasn't. Perhaps I felt it was 98% over for me, but not fully, not completely 100%. However (and this is the best part), that isn't the case anymore. After I processed the feelings of yesterday and the unbelievable/ever so slightly sadistic joke the universe seemingly played on me, I woke up this morning with a new perspective; I woke up with the missing 2%. I realised, quite simply, that I just can't do this to myself anymore. I'm not the kind of person that this break up turned me into, and I have no interest in feeling sorry for myself or my situation any longer. I loved him and he loved me, until he no longer did. I could analyse and think about why he hasn't said anything until I'm blue in the face, or I could just .. accept the fact that he hasn't, and live my life. I wholeheartedly wish him all the best in the future, and I genuinely have no residual anger or bitterness about our relationship or its demise -- it's just not worth it. It wouldn't make me feel any better, it wouldn't improve anything in either of our lives - it would just be an unnecessary, messy nuisance, and I don't want that in the slightest when everything can be resolved civilly. If I were you I'd get a new email address. You're right. ... I had been holding on to my e-mail address because I assumed that would be how he would contact me, were he to initiate contact first. Since we ended, a small part of me has been thinking/waiting this entire time for my birthday to arrive (2 weeks from today), thinking that he would at least contact me on that day, if nothing else but to just wish me 'happy birthday'. However, that isn't the case anymore. At this point, I can honestly say that I don't want him to contact me because it would just be .. unnecessary. He hasn't had anything to say this entire time, and I don't really see the point in having some kind of mandated "'happy birthday' ..-'thank you'"-exchange just to be polite/keep up appearances, or something. No need for that. I'm changing my e-mail address, and deleting my old one. At this point, I think I'd much rather indefinitely keep our distance and just nicely go about our own lives without any fuss.
RecordProducer Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 You should be a writer. Seriously. Your post was so engaging, you really know how to bring the reader to feel what you felt. Not too many people can do that. I felt like my heart broke when I read it was spam, that's how powerful your writing is.
Author orbiting Posted January 25, 2012 Author Posted January 25, 2012 You should be a writer. Seriously. Your post was so engaging, you really know how to bring the reader to feel what you felt. Not too many people can do that. I felt like my heart broke when I read it was spam, that's how powerful your writing is. Thank you very kindly, that's a wonderful compliment. (I'm actually a science student, so it's a nice surprise to see that I've managed to retain some literacy skills..) To be honest, I really appreciate it when any one of you take time out of your day to read something I've posted and to offer advice/support; I think that writing something semi-coherent is really the least I can do for you.
Phateless Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I open my e-mail inbox and see an e-mail from him. The first thing message from him to me since October, literally (to the very day) 100 days since our last conversation. The subject line is "From the Bottom of My Heart". As I read that subject line alone, I feel as if my heart is going to break. The past 3 and 1/2 months have been a big adjustment as I've tried to forget about him/our 3 year relationship completely and instead focus on bettering myself and my life. And yet, there it is. An e-mail - his name, the subject line - in my inbox. Perhaps the e-mail I've been waiting for, perhaps the e-mail that could just.. somehow give me closure and peace of mind. I'm conflicted, because I don't know whether I should open it or delete it, and in doing so just accept that regardless of what he has to say, it is over between us. Over for good, without looking back. Heart wins over head (sadly enough), and I open it. The anticipation and pit of hopeful sadness in the bottom of my stomach is beyond description. And what did it say, this e-mail entitled "From the Bottom of My Heart"? .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. It was spam. Literally one sentence of spam (a link advertising who knows what). In disbelief, I Google -- and get ready for this, because this is the saddest thing I've ever done -- "from the bottom of my heart e-mail spam". And, sure enough, it's true. That (along with "This is a gift for you") is an actual subject line used by random spambots that somehow infiltrate your account and send spam to your contacts. It had nothing to do with him - he didn't write; he still hasn't written and clearly won't in the future. I'm sorry for this insane rant, but I just.. had to get this out somehow. This has somehow managed to colossally ruin my entire day and make me feel so .. I don't even know how to articulate it. I was doing better, I was moving on, I was slowly letting go and I just did not see this coming. So sorry to hear that... Frankly you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't actually read an email from him. Consider this a reminder of how much damage he can still do. Take some time and continue to heal.
RecordProducer Posted January 25, 2012 Posted January 25, 2012 I remember that feeling, but it didn't come with a spam mail, it came with an expectation, like, I would see him in a group gathering tonight, and in my imagination, he would say this to me, he would do that, and we would have fun and I would have closure. No such thing happened, and I went home disappointed. After some time I learned to expect to be disappointed, and even laugh at myself or imagine myself knocking my head on a wall, for expecting I would get anything from him. At least YOU were let down by spam mail, not the real person. We're not getting anything, sweetie, so just keep moving forward. One day, you'll be laughing at it as you tell the same story to a good friend.Great post. I can relate to that disappointment. I thought of my ex asthe Murphy's law: if there was a bad option, he'd choose that one. Thank you very kindly, that's a wonderful compliment. (I'm actually a science student, so it's a nice surprise to see that I've managed to retain some literacy skills..) To be honest, I really appreciate it when any one of you take time out of your day to read something I've posted and to offer advice/support; I think that writing something semi-coherent is really the least I can do for you.It's not about coherency and literacy skills, it's the style that engages the mind and makes you travel to the writer's state of mind.
CopingGal Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 You're right. ... I had been holding on to my e-mail address because I assumed that would be how he would contact me, were he to initiate contact first. Since we ended, a small part of me has been thinking/waiting this entire time for my birthday to arrive (2 weeks from today), thinking that he would at least contact me on that day, if nothing else but to just wish me 'happy birthday'. However, that isn't the case anymore. At this point, I can honestly say that I don't want him to contact me because it would just be .. unnecessary. He hasn't had anything to say this entire time, and I don't really see the point in having some kind of mandated "'happy birthday' ..-'thank you'"-exchange just to be polite/keep up appearances, or something. No need for that. I'm changing my e-mail address, and deleting my old one. At this point, I think I'd much rather indefinitely keep our distance and just nicely go about our own lives without any fuss. When I left my ex, I closed my main email address. I tried to close the second email address but I couldn't. It will only close if I don't go to it for 90 days, so I blocked him on that email address. I also blocked him on facebook. I think about going to his facebook page every day, but I do not. I don't know how, but I find the strength not to go there. I don't want him back....well I do, but only if he had a complete personality overhaul and through extreme, intensive mental therapy was finally able to realize that complusive lying, controlling, cheating, and using women are big no-nos. I am glad I don't know what's going on in his extremely dysfunctional life.
shayla Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 I got an email like this...only reason I opened it is because my father had just died and I thought it was a condolence. Wow, maybe he does have some decency in him way down deep. NOPE. An email with a virus attached to it. At the time I was so hurt and pissed off that the only time he contacted me was to send me a virus, burying my best friend wasn't enough for me to endure. I realized later that he didn't send it himself, but my email address had no business being on his list any more, and even now it still bothers me. It did turn out for the best in the end, but for a while it took me back to square one and I never thought I'd climb out of the hole of grief and loss. I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sucks. But now you know that you can and will get through this.
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