monkey00 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) I'm making this post due toa small frustration with why things have to go a certain way if a guy wants to be successful with women. I've dated women and have been in R where in a situation if a girl feels taken for granted, or if something (for example a date) doesn't go the way they expected then they may feel unappreciated and write off a perfectly good guy. Most recently I had a first date with a girl at a museum. She was laughing at all my jokes and was playing with her hair. I thought we were having a good time. Near the end of the date We were on the train and it looked like she was thinking and had her fingers touching her lips. I'm not an idiot I can read subtle cues from women. Needless to say I didn't kiss her. Said I'd call her tomorrow or the day after and when her stop came she quickly darted and said bye. She was 22 so I think her nervousness got the best of her. I was attracted to her but feeling a bit jaded for staying out till 4am the night before, so I didn't feel like kissing her. Through the date I did make physical contact like putting my hand around her waist or arm. Anyway I call her the next day and got to her vm. I left a message to call me back. She texted me in a bit saying how she had a good time but didn't feel anything develop. I'm like okay that's cool but I hope we ca be friends and hangout. I'm thinking how silly it was she couldn't give me a second chance to feel it out. Honestly I think she just felt rejected because I didn't make a move. It is abit frustrating when his happens. But I'm going to try something else to get on her good terms again. Edited January 23, 2012 by monkey00
carhill Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Well, if every first date resulted in a life-long marriage you'd only go on one date in your life. To look at it from another angle, her behaviors and mannerisms didn't align 'perfectly' for you to desire to kiss her so, from her perspective, she might feel the same way, e.g. 'why do things have to be perfect with men?'. First date, you had a good time, didn't apparently match up in a synergistic way, next. Life goes on. Hope you enjoyed the museum
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Yeah, it sucks when you unintentionally screw up the first date, causing there never to be a second date. However, I think your date was considerate in breaking it off. She didn't do anything passive-aggressive like not answer your message or blame you for not showing enough interest. She messaged back quickly and broke it off gently. That was cool of her. If you want her back then talk to her. Tell her you didn't get the right signs for intimacy. Tell her you don't usually act like a dumbass with women. Tell her you had a great time and want to make it up with a much better second date.
gaius Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 (edited) Things don't have to perfect with women. How often do you see women on here asking questions like “why hasn't he gotten me one present in the year we've been together?” or “why hasn't he said I love you after six months?”. They are into these guys so they put up with a lot of mistakes and nonsense. You just have to find a girl that's actually into you, which doesn't seem to be the one you're describing. Edited January 23, 2012 by gaius
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Things don't have to perfect with women. How often do you see women on here asking questions like “why hasn't he gotten me one present in the year we've been together?” or “why hasn't he said I love you after six months?”. They are into these guys so they put up with a lot of mistakes and nonsense. You just have to find a girl that's actually into you, which doesn't seem to be the one you're describing. It's possible she was interested in the dude. However, she's one of those women who wants men to force the door. Since he didn't force the door she assumed he wasn't interested or she lost her passion.
ditzchic Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 If she's into you things don't have to be perfect. If she's kinda meh about you you're going to have to try a little harder. But how much effort is worth it for someone that is unsure about you anyway. Don't worry about it. It's just not in the stars with this one.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 OP, your thread title is a bit of an over-reach for what happened. Maybe you were just out of sync with her--she may have not liked you touching her in those ways and was just trying to go with the flow. You shouldn't assume your lack of a kiss was the kiss of doom. I think the biggest "tell" that a kiss is appropriate on the first date is if she holds hands comfortably with you. I've had girls take my arm but not my hand when I tried to maneuver the hands together. I could tell just then that this was her probably getting a nice free night out from me but it wasn't going to end with us connected. The good night kiss was a cheeker and then it was ta- ta. This happens and not everyone is really out there to connect. Secondly, the closer women are to school/college age experience, the more cavalier they are about men usually. To many of them they feel that every guy is dispensable because there's another one just a smile away. This is often true. When females mature and realize that they are not immune from aging, they start to cease being so dismissive over little things and give a guy more of a chance. If your style is just invasive, you'll probably not get anywhere ever. And conversely, if you don't show that you're personally interested after you get good vibes by making a move, you can lose because you seem spineless. It's not a game of "perfection" and it's not that hard. Just don't take things too seriously and make gross generalizations. They are always flawed. Good luck.
ditzchic Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 OP, your thread title is a bit of an over-reach for what happened. Maybe you were just out of sync with her--she may have not liked you touching her in those ways and was just trying to go with the flow. You shouldn't assume your lack of a kiss was the kiss of doom. I think the biggest "tell" that a kiss is appropriate on the first date is if she holds hands comfortably with you. I've had girls take my arm but not my hand when I tried to maneuver the hands together. I could tell just then that this was her probably getting a nice free night out from me but it wasn't going to end with us connected. The good night kiss was a cheeker and then it was ta- ta. This happens and not everyone is really out there to connect. Secondly, the closer women are to school/college age experience, the more cavalier they are about men usually. To many of them they feel that every guy is dispensable because there's another one just a smile away. This is often true. When females mature and realize that they are not immune from aging, they start to cease being so dismissive over little things and give a guy more of a chance. If your style is just invasive, you'll probably not get anywhere ever. And conversely, if you don't show that you're personally interested after you get good vibes by making a move, you can lose because you seem spineless. It's not a game of "perfection" and it's not that hard. Just don't take things too seriously and make gross generalizations. They are always flawed. Good luck. Sorry but that's not always true. For me holding hands comes long after a kiss. Hell I do sex before holding hands. Not all women want you to hold their hand. Especially on a first date.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 It's possible she was interested in the dude. However, she's one of those women who wants men to force the door. Since he didn't force the door she assumed he wasn't interested or she lost her passion. No... we're not any different from guys, if we don't feel it, we don't feel it. Let's not try to preach some contradicting theory.... what applies to one gender may well apply to the other. And OP, you don't want to be friends with her. Let's not go down that route when friendship really isn't what you are looking for.
Author monkey00 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 OP, your thread title is a bit of an over-reach for what happened. Maybe you were just out of sync with her--she may have not liked you touching her in those ways and was just trying to go with the flow. You shouldn't assume your lack of a kiss was the kiss of doom. I think the biggest "tell" that a kiss is appropriate on the first date is if she holds hands comfortably with you. I've had girls take my arm but not my hand when I tried to maneuver the hands together. I could tell just then that this was her probably getting a nice free night out from me but it wasn't going to end with us connected. The good night kiss was a cheeker and then it was ta- ta. This happens and not everyone is really out there to connect. Secondly, the closer women are to school/college age experience, the more cavalier they are about men usually. To many of them they feel that every guy is dispensable because there's another one just a smile away. This is often true. When females mature and realize that they are not immune from aging, they start to cease being so dismissive over little things and give a guy more of a chance. If your style is just invasive, you'll probably not get anywhere ever. And conversely, if you don't show that you're personally interested after you get good vibes by making a move, you can lose because you seem spineless. It's not a game of "perfection" and it's not that hard. Just don't take things too seriously and make gross generalizations. They are always flawed. Good luck. That's what I've noticed also about younger women. They do tend to be more dismissive of a guy over little things. Anyway I think holding hands on a first date is a little too clingy for my taste, it would also probably scare off the girl. While I do appreciate her being straightforward with me but I don't like how she was dismissive ( if indeed that was the case). I had a window of opportunity actually when we were looking out the window of the museum after that she was walking really slowly after we left the window and I didn't think much of it. Anyway I have her email, I have a clever way of getting another shot so I hope it works. Maybe you guys are right and I'm reading too much into this. But t doesn't hurt to be an optimist.....or romantic anyway in my case.
Lonely Ronin Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 No... we're not any different from guys, if we don't feel it, we don't feel it. Let's not try to preach some contradicting theory.... what applies to one gender may well apply to the other. I think it was worded poorly, but what I think Oxy was trying to say was that maybe she wasn't feeling it because the OP wasn't aggressive enough. Over the years I have run into a few women like this, but they are very rare.
Author monkey00 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 And OP, you don't want to be friends with her. Let's not go down that route when friendship really isn't what you are looking for. I don't really mind being friends we do have quite a bit in common. She plays music like me and lives in my neighborhood. I was just thinking of salvaging his if I could. If not it doesn't hurt to make new friends.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Sorry but that's not always true. For me holding hands comes long after a kiss. Hell I do sex before holding hands. Not all women want you to hold their hand. Especially on a first date. You may have taken me a little too literally about "holding hands" or I'm at fault for not making it clear that what I mean is you can tell a lot from touch that tells you whether and what kind of kiss may be in order. The OP mentioned some use of hands that to me sounded potentially invasive or too familiar--twirling someone's hair or w/e. "Holding hands" after you know you're a couple is kind of another story. You don't hold hands the same way on a first date. But your manner of sensitivity with your hands is a very telling part of communication in both directions--to her and from her. One should not take an unwillingness to change from holding an arm to a hand as an instant rejection but it means something--at least it ain't happening all that much personally yet. But if someone already knows you and this is your first date and they take your hand and not your arm, it's usually safe to think this person wants your attention and is hoping for more of it in time.
kaylan Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Things don't have to perfect with women. How often do you see women on here asking questions like “why hasn't he gotten me one present in the year we've been together?” or “why hasn't he said I love you after six months?”. They are into these guys so they put up with a lot of mistakes and nonsense. You just have to find a girl that's actually into you, which doesn't seem to be the one you're describing. ^This. (10 characters needed)
Imajerk17 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) Hard to say. There is a possibility that you "missed the sign" to kiss her and that is what cost you. I have gone on first dates though, where there was a lot of kissing and holding hands but there was no second date. And I have gone on a couple of first dates where "nothing" (e.g., no kiss) happened and yet there were still subsequent dates. Anyway, you ever go on a job interview? Both parties are on their best behavior all the while they are both deciding whether they want to go further with this relationship (another interview, job offer, accept job). Both parties want the other party interested, often while they themselves are unsure about their own interest. They want an offer (or an offer to be accepted) even if they aren't sure whether they would take it (or make the offer). So, how do you get the other party interested? Well, if you act both interesting and interested yourself (even if you aren't sure yet of your own interest), that certainly will help. Maybe that is what happened on your date. The girl acted interested because she wanted you to like her, because even though she wasn't sure (either way) whether she liked you back, she wanted you to be interested, "just in case". Men do this too. Edited January 24, 2012 by Imajerk17
xpaperxcutx Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 (edited) I don't really mind being friends we do have quite a bit in common. She plays music like me and lives in my neighborhood. I was just thinking of salvaging his if I could. If not it doesn't hurt to make new friends. Monkey, I sympathize, but you cannot " salvage" what wasn't there, and you really cannot force a friendship. As a woman, I can tell you right now, men who try to weasel their way into my life usually get ignored. So you can extend that olive branch and you can gain a friend, but realize that " being friends" does not mean you guys are now attached at the hips. Friends in modern day definition means networking. Normally that means having their number saved in your phone developing virtual spider webs. Edited January 24, 2012 by xpaperxcutx
somedude81 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Secondly, the closer women are to school/college age experience, the more cavalier they are about men usually. To many of them they feel that every guy is dispensable because there's another one just a smile away. This is often true. When females mature and realize that they are not immune from aging, they start to cease being so dismissive over little things and give a guy more of a chance. That was my first thought upon reading the title. Women have options, lots of options. Especially that age group. If your style is just invasive, you'll probably not get anywhere ever. And conversely, if you don't show that you're personally interested after you get good vibes by making a move, you can lose because you seem spineless. I've also experienced this. Some girls expect men to act a certain way, and if he doesn't match up to what she thinks a guy should do, you're out. This also ties into the first point, because you're just another guy to her and there are many more waiting their turn in line.
Imajerk17 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 It's why you ought to make a move. If she blows you off and holds it against you (provided you were respectful), she was never interested.
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