PoppyLove89 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Okay so as well all know I've been torturing myself; I miss him, I love him, he won't talk to me blah blah blah. Basically, I found out last Wednesday that my ex is in the midst of what can only be described as a rebound. It started mid-December, so a good month and a half after our split (wow, I must have meant sooo much to him! I'm honoured, though I doubt it was for lack of trying that it took just over a month). This girl is 18, a good 6 years younger than him, and nothing like me - not that it matters. Either way, it's needless to say that finding this out made me feel like absolute garbage. Not only was I still hurting, punishing myself and crying but my ex seems to be having the time of his life. The ex who kept me hanging for two weeks after our split claiming "I'm not sure what I want because I love you and I miss you"; doesn't give two hoots about my feelings anymore and probably never will again. Any contact we've had since the split has been negative and spiteful on his part; I've always tried to remain civil. He doesn't seem to understand that just because you're polite to an ex, doesn't mean she thinks you want her back, it just means you respect her as a person and what you two shared together. Perhaps he does hate me, it makes it easier for him to move on but it doesn't make it any easier for me. Either way, it's become apparent to me (with many thanks to others on LS as well as my family) that he is emotionally immature. He feels it necessary to hurt me/hate me/pretend I don't exist in order to move on in life. We've been NC since mid November and only had contact when we've bumped into each other; besides this vicious phone call on Friday night in which he claimed our relationship was fake and that he was just with me because he felt sorry for me. Now here's my question: How do I get my heart back and how do I make it realise that this kebab is no longer the man I fell in love with? My mind is shouting the truth, yet it seems my heart has selective hearing.
geegirl Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 You realize it's not the kebab you thought it was when you start to detach emotionally. And that comes with time/NC. It's normal to idealize and romanticize the kebab even when you know, rationally that the kebab is bad for you. Your heart still loves the kebab and has placed it on a pedestal. But as time moves on and your emotions subside and you are able to slowly regain mental clarity, you will begin to pull him down from where he is and see him for who he is. More thinking rather than feeling. NC is a gift that most don't realize until after they've emerged from the fog. You implement because you want to move on and not to entice or provoke reactions or manipulate outcomes. It is solely implemented because you need to detach. And what you do with this time is also crucial in helping you fill a void that he's now left you with. There is no need to analyze his actions and try to connect his dots. You will never understand his coping skills and why he does what he does. It's easier to accept the break/cope with the pain when you can attach it to a label or a reason. But that's not going to help you because at the end of the day, it's still broken and he's still a kebab. You need to analyze YOU. Your heart and mind with be at war for awhile but one will take over the other in time. Just don't engage in what is causing you turmoil but focus on getting away from it. And that means, going on NC for all the right reasons and staying there.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Thank you, you're right! I shall let time do its thing. I just can't wait for that day in the future when i wake up and realise that I haven't even thought about him or what he's up to. The day I wake up and realise I no longer miss him. That I'll be okay one day should I bump into him and realise I don't have that stomach drop which places us all firmly back at square one. After all, I've lived happily without him before and I can/will live happily without him again! It was only a year of my life, it shouldn't be having this great an affect on me, I've had a longer relationship with my first boyfriend (whom I was with for 3 and a half years) and I've been through way worse in life besides a failed relationship...Move it along, Poppy! Nothing to see here!!!
geegirl Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I just can't wait for that day in the future when i wake up and realise that I haven't even thought about him or what he's up to. The day I wake up and realise I no longer miss him. That I'll be okay one day should I bump into him and realise I don't have that stomach drop which places us all firmly back at square one. After all, I've lived happily without him before and I can/will live happily without him again! It was only a year of my life, it shouldn't be having this great an affect on me, I've had a longer relationship with my first boyfriend (whom I was with for 3 and a half years) and I've been through way worse in life besides a failed relationship...Move it along, Poppy! Nothing to see here!!! That day will come. I never thought it would come for me. I went from believing my life had come to an end to recently bumping into him (and mom always said look your best when you're out because you will never know who you will meet and I looked my "bestest!!!") with his new girlfriend without feeling a hint of anything. We said hello and a couple of plesantries and I actually walked away with a gleeful smile on my face, screaming inside, "Oh my god, I feel nothing, I'm free!" It will come when you see him for the man that he is and that happens when your heart has no control over your thoughts anymore. You lived happily before and you will again. Just as soon as you're over kebabs. You will get there!
Author PoppyLove89 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Gosh I can't wait for that day to come!!! I've always been impatient haha! Nothing good can come of Kebabs, they're processed/fake and do your heart no favours - fits him to a T. I hope that by this time next year I'll be wondering what I ever saw in him...though fingers' crossed it comes way, waaay sooner than that!
stitch702 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I know exactly how you feel. My ex was doing something similar to me where she completely ignored me after she broke up with me. Belittled me to my friends and posted some status updates on facebook that I thought were cheap shots. Got into a rebound soon after and was flaunting to everyone as if I never meant anything to her... Break up was messy, but I understand that relationships tend to bring the best and the worst out of all of us. So I didn't harbor any resentment from the break up even if we both said some very hurtful things. What hurt me the most was how she handled the post-break up. I may not have been the best boyfriend ever because I'm not perfect and I do have my faults, but you can't blame the failing of a relationship entirely on me. Then again she is young and we are 6 years a part and she is a bit sheltered so the maturity level varies which is why I dont' really blame her... Anyway, I went into N/C and its almost been about 3 months. I dearly miss her sometimes but i believe it to be the person who she used to be, is whom i'm really missing. The time I took to heal and focus on myself and to spend it with family and friends have made me think so much clearly and I look foward to meeting someone who isn't so emotionally immature. Anyway let's both me and you just keep soldiering on and we'll look back at this one day and be like kebab who?
Author PoppyLove89 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Most definitely! It's weird how two people can be so close yet feel like they never knew each other at all once the break-up has taken place. I guess in a true relationship this could be because you did get to know the real version of your partner and once you break-up, you go back to seeing the 'them' that they present to strangers/acquaintances...I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone else but I know what I mean haha! Like, they put their public mask back on and for some, even knowing they let you get close enough to know the real them is too much to handle - you alone know exactly how to hurt them - I'm guessing this could be why some dumpers become so hateful. But yes, onwards and upwards! If we meant so little to them, in time someone will find us who doesn't just fall out of love when the going gets a little tough! I'm done with Kebabs, where the hell is my steak?!
Exit Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Well you say you're going to let time do its thing so I sincerely hope you will give it a real chance. You need to have time away from any form of his influence. I replied to your last thread and told you I feel like you did a lot of this to yourself. Seeing what he does on Twitter, Facebook, hanging out with his family and getting a nasty phonecall from him, finding out that he is in a relationship with an 18 year old, has any of this made you feel better at all? And are you willing to accept that you probably wouldn't know any of this stuff if you didn't make some sort of effort to find it out? Just think, if from day 1 after the breakup, you chose to just isolate him from the rest of your life, you wouldn't have seen him blocking and unblocking you on Facebook and Twitter, his mom and sister would have invited you out to dinner but you would have politely declined to avoid any drama, and some of your wounds would already be starting to heal. But instead, these wounds kept getting ripped open. I haven't revisited your last thread where I replied, so I don't know if you're staying determined to keep in touch with his family members or if you're realizing that nothing good will come of it, but the choice is yours. Just realize, he didn't call you and tell you "Hah I blocked you on Facebook", and I doubt it was him delivering the information that "hah I'm dating an 18 year old". He isn't reaching out and trying to open your wounds. It's either coming from you or other people involved in the situation, but not him. Please take care of yourself and give yourself a vacation from all these painful sources of information.
Author PoppyLove89 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Well you say you're going to let time do its thing so I sincerely hope you will give it a real chance. You need to have time away from any form of his influence. I replied to your last thread and told you I feel like you did a lot of this to yourself. Seeing what he does on Twitter, Facebook, hanging out with his family and getting a nasty phonecall from him, finding out that he is in a relationship with an 18 year old, has any of this made you feel better at all? And are you willing to accept that you probably wouldn't know any of this stuff if you didn't make some sort of effort to find it out? Just think, if from day 1 after the breakup, you chose to just isolate him from the rest of your life, you wouldn't have seen him blocking and unblocking you on Facebook and Twitter, his mom and sister would have invited you out to dinner but you would have politely declined to avoid any drama, and some of your wounds would already be starting to heal. But instead, these wounds kept getting ripped open. I haven't revisited your last thread where I replied, so I don't know if you're staying determined to keep in touch with his family members or if you're realizing that nothing good will come of it, but the choice is yours. Just realize, he didn't call you and tell you "Hah I blocked you on Facebook", and I doubt it was him delivering the information that "hah I'm dating an 18 year old". He isn't reaching out and trying to open your wounds. It's either coming from you or other people involved in the situation, but not him. Please take care of yourself and give yourself a vacation from all these painful sources of information. Yes you're right. I almost feel like some form of masochist, I can't help myself yet I know I'll always come off feeling worse. What is this? Why am I doing this to myself? It's my first break-up where the guy has walked away and seemingly never meant any feelings he had for me; I guess that's a big factor in it. My first serious boyfriend, whom I was with for three and a half years, never really left the picture until I met this boyfriend; though we hadn't been together in 10 months, we were still on friendly terms. I've never had an ex turn nasty on me for no real reason; even before I saw his family, remember when I mentioned our bump ins? Anyway, yes I am going to abstain from looking at things. I shouldn't be doing this to myself it's not helpful nor healthy for the moving on process. Gosh, I bet break-ups where way easier before the internet haha!
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