NSDNQ Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 okay, disclaimer first: if anyone is still fighting the constant urge to break NC and call/text/e-mail/facebook/smoke signal your ex (you know damn well who you are), please restrain from entering this conversation. this is intended as a thread for those of us who have progressed enough with our own healing that we feel comfortable giving advice to others, to discuss what advice we offer you. So, now that that's out of the way, a question for the really experienced folks out there who have had multiple meaningful breakups and the opportunity of comparing and contrasting the different methods of dealing with it: exactly how useful is NC if the dumpee hasn't accepted its over? maybe I was just really thick headed but it took me 6 or 7 ridiculous attempts at winning my ex back before I really understood the implications of what it all meant. and if I remember correctly attempts 4-7 where against the superb advice of members on this board. I understood the concept but just refused to apply it to what was happening to me. and I've noticed its not an uncommon thread here, a lot of people do the same thing. we tell them "NO CONTACT!" and then they contact. and it never works, and then we sit there and go "we told you so dumbass stop contacting" (not so bluntly but you get the picture) and it just keeps going on in a cycle. some cases are worse than others (guilty) but it seems to always follow that pattern with few exceptions. Maybe we should encourage contact and tell them in advance its not going to work? that way they learn it first hand, and then once it sinks in they'll understand what we're trying to tell them? Could lead to a lot less "what ifs" on the dumpee's end. then again, the whole "what if" aspect could be a psychological response that goes into effect whether or not its vague as hell or cut and dry as night and day. Also I could see how this approach could be a lot more painful, but if that pain could lead to a speedier and more thorough recovery process its worth discussing. interested to see what ya'll think
Philosoraptor Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I disagree. While I agree that people will do what they want to do no matter what. They need to understand that NC is a healing tool and many use it as a method to get their ex back. So when the ex tries to initiate contact they assume their plan has worked and it's smooth sailing from there. What needs to be encouraged in my opinion is what NC means for them. It's a method to pull yourself away from the situation to do important self analysis and finding their path to healing. That path usually contains things like internal forgiveness of both yours and your ex's mistakes. Freeing yourself from grudges usually is one of the hardest things, but is allows and easier path to acceptance. Too many people get hung up on the "why did they leave?" rather than looking at it like "why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?". Not to be angry with the ex, but to build back your self confidence. Two people don't always click forever and they part ways, but you can move on and find more happiness. Many think they will never be as happy but they find out later in life that this breakup is nothing but a temporary pain and that the person they spend the rest of their life with has that mutual unconditional love that will bring them happiness for a lifetime.
sunflower11 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I was the same way as you NSDNQ..I made contact so many times after the BU but he just kept ignoring me. I think your approach might work and I have to agree with you. It doesn't matter how many times people tell you not to contact them, you will still go ahead and do it and for me, well the last time I made contact he hung up on me so that was IT! Since then, 2 months ago, I haven't felt the urge to contact him AT ALL. I think it is best to put your hand in the fire and get burned, than spend days or weeks wondering what will happen if you made contact...because it's not helping you heal at all. You just sit there and obsess over it, how the conversation would go, if he/she would want you back...etc. So rather than have all these thoughts floating around and interfering with your life, just put an end to the urge and contact them and see what happens. Yes, it hurts like hell when it backfires and you don't get what you want, but maybe it is JUST EXACTLY what you need to get over it. At least it worked for me so I support what you said.
cdm369 Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I understand the reasoning behind no contact. My situation is difficult as we have 3 kids together. I know it would be easier but we have to get along and be at a lot of the kids functions together. Any ideas or thoughts. (The girl I was with I was married to for 6 years...we divorced and I thought grew up and tried again after 10 years). See other threads....lol
Author NSDNQ Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 I understand the reasoning behind no contact. My situation is difficult as we have 3 kids together. I know it would be easier but we have to get along and be at a lot of the kids functions together. Any ideas or thoughts. (The girl I was with I was married to for 6 years...we divorced and I thought grew up and tried again after 10 years). See other threads....lol this is why I asked those people seeking advice on no contact or still having urges to break it, to not post in this thread. I don't want the thread to get drawn into individual "what if" scenarios and become an advice column. that's what the rest of this topic area is for. this is for the birds eye view of it, so to speak.
CLS63AMG Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 I did it but not sure if it should really be called "contact" as it was a short note to get some things off my chest because the stubborn biatch walked away. I gave an exit interview of the relationship and felt better for it.
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