jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Here's the story, I'll make it as quick as I can. I broke up with my long-term fiance of ten years last summer; I had a rebound fling with the most gorgeous man I've ever met, which only lasted about a month. Afterwards, I was devastated and didn't think I'd get over him. well.... One night at a bar, I met this other guy, who I thought yeah he's funny, but he was a little younger than what I usually go for and I thought no more of it. Anyway, I give him my number and he rings me asking to arrange a date. I said yes and thought great, this will give me something to focus on. So... I meet him and end up having the best first date ever with possibly the most passionate kiss in my life. I fell for him instantly, and not just in a physical way like I had done with the previous guy. I fell HARD for this man and since then we had a lot of fun. Anyway... He drops the bombshell that he still isn't over his ex girlfriend. WTF?!? he's been spending every waking moment with me and he's thinking about her!!! I got so narked and decided it was possibly best never to see him again, yeah that lasted like five minutes. So we decide to take things slow... Next date, we sleep together. Best sex ever! Next morning, he freaks! Says he still can't stop thinking about her, everything feels so different. He leaves saying he doesn't know if he'll see me again. I reassured him I could do the friends thing, which he agreed on. Anyway, that night, he calls me again and asks me to spend some time with him and his friends. I agree. Again, we end up getting physical... I left, quite upset, actually cried all the way home, possibly too many emotions going on in my little head. He calls me when I get home and says he is so sorry for messing me around yet again, and he would definitely still like to be friends. So we're doing the whole f'ing friends thing, he calls/texts everyday and we see each other once every couple of weeks, sometimes more and always end up having a great time. He still confides in how hard he finds getting over his ex. He says with me everything is so natural and easy, but he doesn't want me just to be a rebound and screw a potentially great relationship up. I got quite annoyed with him on our last outing and told him I like him but in no terms does that mean I actually want a relationship with him after all this. He said he understands, and that, he doesn't think he could do the friends thing forever as eventually he'll either want more, or I will! He's more than honest with me, he's slightly inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I just think he doesn't know how to handle these situations. But I'm hurt. And I'm confused. I don't want to give him up, I can't, I've tried... I've fallen pretty hard for him. He's 23, and I'm 25
Philosoraptor Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 He's 23, and I'm 25 That sums it up pretty well right there. I read 10 year relationship and I had you pegged in your 30's at least, but you're only my age. Most people at this age are not well rounded enough to have the level of emotional maturity needed to sustain a long term relationship. Most still have no idea what they want out of life nor have their feet truly on the ground with a career path or anything else in life. You're not a rebound girl, you're dating at the age where most either end up in failed marriages or the guys (who statistically mature emotionally at a slower pace) haven't a clue what they want. You would be better off tweaking your people picker and looking for the signs of maturity before letting yourself get attached to someone.
Lucky_One Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Agree with Philoraptor - I thought you must be in mid-30's and this guy was in mid 20's - he's a little younger than you usually go for? You have only "gone for" 3 guys it sounds like, and this is hardly an age gap. When you see him every few weeks, do you have sex with him of some sort or another?
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 no, we no longer have any physical contact with one another... it's strictly just friends. we hug, but i never let it linger and we touch sometimes, but i try to control this as best i can, i try and keep it innocent. the guy i was engaged to was four years older than me and the rebound guy after him was 33, so substantially older yet he was incredibly immature and just a lot of fun, but i did feel attached to him greatly. i just don't want to screw things up with the younger guy as i really, really, really like him. i just feel sooooo drawn to him, and he's so much fun to be with, yet he is sensitive and honest and we have so much in common, yet are different too and it's always interesting. i'm semi settled in my career and he is happy just in the job he has, which pays approximately half of what mine does so i do feel that i'm emotionally more mature than him. i've lived away from home for years whereas he still lives at home but did move out once with friends but found he could no longer afford it. he's not my usual type at all, but yet i love being with him...
salparadise Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 he's slightly inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I just think he doesn't know how to handle these situations. Excuse me... did you just say you're 25 and fresh out of a ten year relationship with a fiance'? Honey child, you need to take a few years to get to know who you are independently of being joined a the hip to a guy. When you get to the point of feeling like you're perfectly comfortable without a relationship, that you are the best friend you've ever had, then you'll probably be ready to for another relationship with the right guy. I am twice your age and if there's one bit of useful wisdom I've acquired in that time, it's that anyone who is fresh out of a serious relationship or who has not completely dissolved all attachment (real or fantasies) to their ex's, is simply not datable. And that includes moi-meme. Otherwise you might as well paint a target on your forehead with a heart in the center.
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 i should mention that his ex gf happened to be the only gf he has EVER had, first everything... they were together for about one year on and off. she ended things with him and it's like he is having trouble accepting it...
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 thank you for your advice i've been single though for over six months, and the rebound guy lived over 100 miles away and i wouldn't have classed that as a relationship, and when he made it clear it was either a relationship or nothing, i told him nothing! even though i liked him, i didn't want to be with him as a gf/bf thing; however, this guy i actually do want to be with... i'm quite happy by myself, well least i was, after meeting him, i just want to be with him now
salparadise Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 thank you for your advice i've been single though for over six months, and the rebound guy lived over 100 miles away and i wouldn't have classed that as a relationship, and when he made it clear it was either a relationship or nothing, i told him nothing! even though i liked him, i didn't want to be with him as a gf/bf thing; however, this guy i actually do want to be with... i'm quite happy by myself, well least i was, after meeting him, i just want to be with him now Yes, I understand, but six months is not enough time after a ten-year relationship even for someone older who has been independent before. You have essentially been in a relationship through all of your adolescence and young adult life. You haven't had time to equilibrate much less to mature as an independent adult. My opinion is that, regardless of having feelings for this guy, when he told you that he's not over his ex you should have had the objectivity to realize that you absolutely must cut him loose. Do you really want to be with someone who is thinking about their ex while they're making love to you? Or murmuring her name in his dreams? I think you need to hone your self-preservation skills and now is the appropriate time to do it.
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Do you really want to be with someone who is thinking about their ex while they're making love to you? Or murmuring her name in his dreams?. No, I don't and he said he doesn't want that either, but we're both open to a relationship with one another, just in the future, not now. I completely understand what you're saying and believe me, all my friends keep saying exactly the same thing. I'm trying to keep him in my life as a friend with the prospect of being something more in the future and I'm trying just to get on with my life in general. I'm trying not to consume thoughts of him, but it does happen, especially because we speak/text daily. I'm not desperately after a boyfriend so don't feel like i'm waiting around for him. Argh... I just don't what I'm doing, I just don't want to lose him, and I feel like I'm going to. I feel it's too early on for me to give him any type of ultimatum and think he wouldn't respond well to that anyway. I don't get why he is so strong-minded. Any other guy would just use me for sex but he's refusing to do that, even though I know he fancies me as much as I fancy him. He says he just isn't that guy... he'd rather get to know me on a friend basis. I just don't know what to do... but I don't want to lose him, I know that much
Lucky_One Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 I had a rebound fling with the most gorgeous man I've ever met, which only lasted about a month. Afterwards, I was devastated and didn't think I'd get over him. The rebound guy lived over 100 miles away and i wouldn't have classed that as a relationship, and when he made it clear it was either a relationship or nothing, i told him nothing! even though i liked him, i didn't want to be with him as a gf/bf thing Ok. Make your mind up. Don't go re-writing history, in order to get a different response from posters here. Bottom line, this new guy isn't that into you. He likes you just fine, but there is not enough there to fill his mind up. And typically at your ages, life isn't like a Hollywood movie where he is going to look at you across a crowded bar one night and realize that you, his best friend, are the unrealized answer to all of the unspoken dreams of his heart and loins. If a man has already slept with you and if he doesn't want to continue, if he isn't just 'eat up with you' (to quote my mama), then he isn't going to be. Start backing away from the friendship, and look elsewhere for love. Sorry.
carhill Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 He's more than honest with me, he's slightly inexperienced when it comes to relationships and I just think he doesn't know how to handle these situations. He's a pretty good liar, at least about the inexperienced part. In reality, he's quite practiced. The post reeked of it. Sorry about that.
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 Ok. Make your mind up. Don't go re-writing history, in order to get a different response from posters here. i'm not trying to get different responses at all. i did like him, a lot and i was devastated that it didn't work out, and i know that was partly my fault and i made the decision but it didn't stop me being gutted it was over. but... he wasn't the right guy for me long-term, he was a party animal, worked weekends in a club as a dancer, he just wasn't the type of guy i wanted to be with. the new guy is. but, yeah, you're probably right, well most certainly, he isn't interested me and is just using me to boost his ego or whatever... i already feel pathetic enough for being head over heals for him when that wasn't my intention. maybe i do just need to tell him to f' off but there's something stopping me
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 he isn't experienced at all he only kissed a girl for the first time when he was 22, and that was with his gf! he's soooooo inexperienced, it's shocking!
Lucky_One Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Why in the world would you tell him to f' off? He hasn't done anything wrong. He hasn't treated you shabbily. There's no reason to be hateful towards him. And there's no reason to feel pathetic. You like someone, but he doesn't reciprocate in the same manner. That will happen to you multiple times in your life. It's ok to feel hurt for a time while you heal, but feeling pathetic? Definitions include "contemptuous pity" or "pitifully inferior". There is certainly no reason for that. You have found love before, you will find it again. There is no reason to feel ashamed or to feel inferior to anyone or to feel contempt for yourself.
carhill Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 he isn't experienced at all he only kissed a girl for the first time when he was 22, and that was with his gf! he's soooooo inexperienced, it's shocking! Unless you grew up in his family (like you are his sister) you have no way of knowing anything about his private life with any verifiable certainty. What you have is hearsay. His actions speak volumes. He 'isn't over his girlfriend' but engages in repeated sexual activity with you. Great life lesson. Hope it works out.
Feelsgoodman Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Excuse me... did you just say you're 25 and fresh out of a ten year relationship with a fiance'? Honey child, you need to take a few years to get to know who you are independently of being joined a the hip to a guy. When you get to the point of feeling like you're perfectly comfortable without a relationship, that you are the best friend you've ever had, then you'll probably be ready to for another relationship with the right guy. What a stupid thing to say. Just because she spent her youth in a committed relationship instead of slutting it up and spreading herpes (like most young women these days) doesn't mean she's "joined at the hip" to a guy Of all the people in relationships that I know, the ones who have met their partner at a young age tend to be the happiest. Women who adopt the feminist-inspired "girls just want to have fun" mentality and spend their younger years partying and "discovering themselves" end up with a ton of baggage, settle for some guy they don't even like because of their biological clock and pressure from friends and family, divorce several years later, raise their kid in a dysfunctional single parent household, watch retarded shows like Sex and the City to cheer themselves up and spend the rest of their days pretending that this is what they actually wanted out of life.
salparadise Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Feelsgoodman, you are so clueless that your post doesn't deserve a response, but since you are trying to stuff your words into my mouth I'll just say that I disavow all of the interpretations which you have attributed to my post.
Author jean961982 Posted January 23, 2012 Author Posted January 23, 2012 I guess I know where you're both coming from to an extent. I don't feel like I need to be with a man; however, for the right one, I am happy to be in a relationship and the new man I want to be with. Am I just wasting my time? Should I just cut him off? I'm not interested in anyone else; I have been asked out on many dates since splitting with my fiance last summer but I never just readily accept unless I like them. This new guy I like very, very much . He sends me mixed signals though. He texts everyday, sometimes calls, makes an effort to see me, lets me choose the films when we go to the cinema, talks to me for hours underneath the stars, holds me for longer than i deem acceptable for a friend, gets insanely jealous when another guy approached me when we're out. YET He sometimes takes hrs to write back to any messages I send him, he has told me he is still into his ex gf even though he doesn't want to be with her anymore he is finding it difficult to move on, he doesn't see me as often as I'd like.
salparadise Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 No, I don't and he said he doesn't want that either, but we're both open to a relationship with one another, just in the future, not now. I completely understand what you're saying and believe me, all my friends keep saying exactly the same thing. I'm trying to keep him in my life as a friend with the prospect of being something more in the future and I'm trying just to get on with my life in general. I'm trying not to consume thoughts of him, but it does happen, especially because we speak/text daily. I'm not desperately after a boyfriend so don't feel like i'm waiting around for him. Argh... I just don't what I'm doing, I just don't want to lose him, and I feel like I'm going to. I feel it's too early on for me to give him any type of ultimatum and think he wouldn't respond well to that anyway. I don't get why he is so strong-minded. Any other guy would just use me for sex but he's refusing to do that, even though I know he fancies me as much as I fancy him. He says he just isn't that guy... he'd rather get to know me on a friend basis. I just don't know what to do... but I don't want to lose him, I know that much Jean, How can you loose that which you do not have? You're holding on tight––but to what? You say that you're open to a relationship in the future, but not now, and this is a good, healthy perspective, but... then you say "I just don't what I'm doing, I just don't want to lose him, and I feel like I'm going to." Just try and be ok with ambiguity. You can't keep him on layaway. He needs time to get over his ex and you need time just being the unattached you. This will create the possibility of a healthy, wonderful relationship when you're ready, with each other or to whatever will be. The past is but a memory, the future an image in your imagination. The present is real but moments in time are unique and cannot be bottled to be relived some other day. Don't hold on so tightly––relax and be open to the possibilities life brings your way.
Feelsgoodman Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Feelsgoodman, you are so clueless that your post doesn't deserve a response, but since you are trying to stuff your words into my mouth I'll just say that I disavow all of the interpretations which you have attributed to my post. "Disavow" my interpretations? You must be some kind of a CNN/Fox News election coverage junkie Your disavowal aside, I think it's pretty clear what you meant. As a 50-something year old single and likely divorced feminist (only a feminist would use an expression like "joined to a man at the hip), you really have no business dishing out relationship advice...honey child
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2012 Posted January 23, 2012 Funny thing I was reading an article last night about why men and women can be friends and I will tell you now the answer is not pretty, but rather shallow. So as a woman who understands you, I can only give you the answers the way a man can. Men and women can stay friends because 1) they want to be with you or if you are already taken, keep the possibility alive that eventually you'll see them as Prince Charming 2) They think you're a good f--k, and if that does happen, they wouldn't turn it down either 3) They're not interested in you but they've slept with you, but they still think you'll make a great friend. 4) They're not interested in you because they meant it when they say they don't want a relationship with you, but you'll still make a good friend and good company. 5) They're not interested in you and don't want to date you but you make a good friend and good company, and they'll keep you around until they meet someone else and they'll get into a relationship with the other person... but guess what? You're still a good friend. And good listener if he ever bothers to tell you about the girl he's dating. So you see, no matter how you put it, want it, excuse it away, you've already gotten your answer: he does not want to be in a relationship with you. Listen to the guy!!!!
salparadise Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 "Disavow" my interpretations? You must be some kind of a CNN/Fox News election coverage junkie Your disavowal aside, I think it's pretty clear what you meant. As a 50-something year old single and likely divorced feminist (only a feminist would use an expression like "joined to a man at the hip), you really have no business dishing out relationship advice...honey child Totally clueless and an a$$hat to boot.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Look Jean, everything you're going through and is happening with these men is extremely typical, to the point where I'm not even really going to get into that because in the end it doesn't really change what you need to do. Also the actions of this guy and the way he has acted and treated you is also very typical, you probably won't think so until you meet someone else who gives the exact same story with exact the same issues, then you might actually realize the pattern. I would forget everything you've experienced with both of these guys, regardless of the details/emotions that continually spin you around in endless circles and really just take some time for yourself and rebuild all the broken pieces inside of you that inherently happens when leaving a very long-term and consistent relationship. You're really not doing any eligible men any favors with your state of mind and emotions as well, there's no way you could be totally ok and clear headed going into a relationship...you're likely otherwise going to end up with very unavailable men or strung along. Oh and to answer your question, that's exactly what you are...a rebound girl for this guy. I hope you like coddling his poor bleeding heart and hearing his rants, so nice of you! Only problem is there's nothing for you in the end out of it! People walk around with these big scars and open wounds and wonder why the find themselves in a mess with someone. It's because you haven't worked enough on yourself and repaired that so you actually have the sensibility, wisdom, confidence and respect for yourself to walk away from ****ty situations you don't belong in! Or else you just reap what you sow, you're not stupid you see the red flags and your woman's intuition tells you what to do...let's just hope you have enough strength to actually follow through with it.
eleanorhurting Posted January 24, 2012 Posted January 24, 2012 Look Jean, everything you're going through and is happening with these men is extremely typical, to the point where I'm not even really going to get into that because in the end it doesn't really change what you need to do. Also the actions of this guy and the way he has acted and treated you is also very typical, you probably won't think so until you meet someone else who gives the exact same story with exact the same issues, then you might actually realize the pattern. I would forget everything you've experienced with both of these guys, regardless of the details/emotions that continually spin you around in endless circles and really just take some time for yourself and rebuild all the broken pieces inside of you that inherently happens when leaving a very long-term and consistent relationship. You're really not doing any eligible men any favors with your state of mind and emotions as well, there's no way you could be totally ok and clear headed going into a relationship...you're likely otherwise going to end up with very unavailable men or strung along. Oh and to answer your question, that's exactly what you are...a rebound girl for this guy. I hope you like coddling his poor bleeding heart and hearing his rants, so nice of you! Only problem is there's nothing for you in the end out of it! People walk around with these big scars and open wounds and wonder why the find themselves in a mess with someone. It's because you haven't worked enough on yourself and repaired that so you actually have the sensibility, wisdom, confidence and respect for yourself to walk away from ****ty situations you don't belong in! Or else you just reap what you sow, you're not stupid you see the red flags and your woman's intuition tells you what to do...let's just hope you have enough strength to actually follow through with it. I wish someone would have told me this a couple of months back. I am you. A year ago. I found myself single for the first time since I was 19 a little over a year ago. And what a lot of heartache I have been through because I was broken and trying to find love again to fix the broken-ness. And I still am to an extent but working on it. Just walk away from this. Soon! It reminds me of the guy I always go on and on about on here that broke my already broken heart last summer. I always refer to him as "el estupido" with my friends lol. The longer you stay, the more it will hurt! Love yourself and walk away. Trust me, it is the best choice i have made in a long time. You will start feeling better about yourself when you start making good choices.
Author jean961982 Posted January 24, 2012 Author Posted January 24, 2012 but, i want to be with this guy; how do i make him see that we're potentially perfect for one each other?! i know he fancies me, he likes me... he must, and last night he sent me a message full of kisses saying he was looking forward to talking to me today tips please
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